Our vampires are so different. They’re so different, our vampires. Sunlight can’t kill them. They don’t sleep in coffins. They don’t live forever. Crosses and garlic don’t affect them. You can see them in a mirror. And they don’t sparkle. Our vampires don’t need blood to survive. They don’t even like the taste of blood, that’s how different our vampires are from the vampires you’re thinking of, those other, different vampires. They love going to church and they take baths in holy water. Our vampires are nothing like what you’d expect. You were expecting a bunch of pale hotties who only come out at night and live off of human or animal blood, I bet. That’s so typical, that you would expect that.
Well, allow me to subvert your expectations. Our vampires are so different that they’re actually Yorkshire Terriers. Surprised, right? In all your narrow-minded assumptions about what a vampire “can” and “can’t” be, I’ll bet you just went ahead and figured that a mythological race of undead bloodsuckers can’t be regular Yorkshire Terriers, part of the Toy Terrier section of the Terrier Group as defined by the Fédération Cynologique Internationale, didn’t you?
Well, you guessed wrong.
Welcome to Yorkshire Terrier High, where, yeah, you guessed it, all the students are vampires, which means all of the students are Yorkshire Terriers. No, they’re not drinking human blood; they’re barking whenever the doorbell rings and developing ACL issues at an early age. Did I just blow your freaking mind?
Over there? Those are the Royals. They’re the most popular, beautiful vampires in school, and you do not want to mess with them. They rule this place. Also, due to their unusual small jaws, their teeth can become crowded and often don’t fall out naturally, so their dental bills are insane.
Yes, they can walk on holy ground. They can walk on any ground, as long as it’s fairly level and you keep them on-leash.
God, it makes me want to throw up and die, how different our vampires are. Forget everything you thought you knew from books and movies where vampires are “humanoid in appearance” and “generally not covered in fur” and “capable of speech” and “bipedal.” Get used to our world, The Dark World: a world secretly ruled by vampires that generally don’t live longer than twelve years, particularly the ones that weigh less than three pounds, and are prone to debilitating, species-specific ailments like distichiasis, hydrocephalus, hypoplasia of dens, Legg–Calvé–Perthes syndrome, luxating patella, portosystemic shunt, retinal dysplasia, tracheal collapse, and bladder stones. Sure, they need to be invited into your home before they can come in, but that’s just because they can’t reach the doorknob. They’re too small, and they don’t have hands. Because they’re vampires.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.