Our vampires are so different. They’re so different, our vampires. Sunlight can’t kill them. They don’t sleep in coffins. They don’t live forever. Crosses and garlic don’t affect them. You can see them in a mirror. And they don’t sparkle. Our vampires don’t need blood to survive. They don’t even like the taste of blood, that’s how different our vampires are from the vampires you’re thinking of, those other, different vampires. They love going to church and they take baths in holy water. Our vampires are nothing like what you’d expect. You were expecting a bunch of pale hotties who only come out at night and live off of human or animal blood, I bet. That’s so typical, that you would expect that.
Well, allow me to subvert your expectations. Our vampires are so different that they’re actually Yorkshire Terriers. Surprised, right? In all your narrow-minded assumptions about what a vampire “can” and “can’t” be, I’ll bet you just went ahead and figured that a mythological race of undead bloodsuckers can’t be regular Yorkshire Terriers, part of the Toy Terrier section of the Terrier Group as defined by the Fédération Cynologique Internationale, didn’t you?
Well, you guessed wrong.
Welcome to Yorkshire Terrier High, where, yeah, you guessed it, all the students are vampires, which means all of the students are Yorkshire Terriers. No, they’re not drinking human blood; they’re barking whenever the doorbell rings and developing ACL issues at an early age. Did I just blow your freaking mind?
Over there? Those are the Royals. They’re the most popular, beautiful vampires in school, and you do not want to mess with them. They rule this place. Also, due to their unusual small jaws, their teeth can become crowded and often don’t fall out naturally, so their dental bills are insane.
Yes, they can walk on holy ground. They can walk on any ground, as long as it’s fairly level and you keep them on-leash.
God, it makes me want to throw up and die, how different our vampires are. Forget everything you thought you knew from books and movies where vampires are “humanoid in appearance” and “generally not covered in fur” and “capable of speech” and “bipedal.” Get used to our world, The Dark World: a world secretly ruled by vampires that generally don’t live longer than twelve years, particularly the ones that weigh less than three pounds, and are prone to debilitating, species-specific ailments like distichiasis, hydrocephalus, hypoplasia of dens, Legg–Calvé–Perthes syndrome, luxating patella, portosystemic shunt, retinal dysplasia, tracheal collapse, and bladder stones. Sure, they need to be invited into your home before they can come in, but that’s just because they can’t reach the doorknob. They’re too small, and they don’t have hands. Because they’re vampires.
Tags: don’t worry there will be another post about the movie vampire academy today, i got a lot of this information from the wikipedia page on yorkshire terriers and also from watching vampire academy, our vampires are different, this post was inspired by vampire academy, vampires, yorkshire terriers
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I watched Under the Gunn the other night, and there was a competition inspired by Vampire Academy and Tim Gunn looked like he wanted to kill himself, the poor dear.
Also, this was hilarious.
my friend’s brother Blake is on there! They have edited him to be the epitome of condescending gay male stereotypes.
I sometimes want to invent an app called “Reality Star” that analyzes all your social media accounts and then presents the worst possible/most marketable version of yourself so you’d know how you’d be presented on a reality television program.
That would be great.
TIM GUNN: POSSIBLY A VAMPIRE HIMSELF? DISCUSS.
tagline: “Their bite… is worse than their bark.”
Can they cross running water?
Only if it’s very VERY shallow. Their legs are rather short.
Or if there is a bridge. Or if someone carries them.
Butbutbut they’re not rabbits? With red eyes? That leave curiously discoloured vegetable products around the house? CONTROVERSIAL, ORTBERG.
A++ for Bunnicula reference, the only vampire I have ever cared about
BUNNICULA!!
When I saw the trailer for this movie, I was all ready to cry “Simpsons did it first!” (“Transylvania Prep,” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Book_Job) but apparently the first Vampire Academy book came out in 2007. Oh well.
But when will we get a crossover featuring lovable transfer student Bunnicula?
Oh, sure, they’re SO different. But you’re still telling us about them in English, and not Terrierese, or even Woofish. But they are cute widdle vampires, yes they are!
So my grandmother, once she moved away from the farm with it’s requisite large dogs, always had a Yorkie. Always named Penny. One Penny would die, the next Penny would come on the scene.
(Oh wait! Maybe it was the same Penny all along?)
One day Penny went outside on her own & didn’t return. Then we found her, eviscerated, on our driveway. The neighbor said a hawk had swooped down and snatched up what he thought was a squirrel, and we guess it ate Penny’s guts then dropped her back approx where she’d been snatched from.
This has always been disturbing (it happened when Grandmother & Penny were living with us in the suburbs), but now I’m guessing the hawk was some sort of guardian hawk, intent on protecting the ignorant humans who’d taken in this vile creature, and I’m grateful.
Grandmother never did get another Penny after that one.
(I may or may not throw myself in the path of a passing Yorkie to deal with my shame at apostrophizing “its”.)
“Welcome to Yorkshire Terrier High, where, yeah, you guessed it, all the students are vampires, which means all of the students are Yorkshire Terriers”
Bless you.
Me, with small lover jaw with crowded front teeth= Surprise Vampire!
That’s my takeaway.
I’ll be vampiring around checking my ACL all day.
Does this mean werewolves are actually tabby cats? Because YES PLEASE MORE.
my ridiculous tabby werewolf Klaas-Jan would agree.
What is the minimum threshold for vampire-ness?
Those are trolls, not vampires.
Just wait until you read my sexy/angsty YA Trolls franchise. Everything you think you know about trolls? WRONG. Take all that mythological baggage you think you know about trolls and throw it out, because I’ve got an absolute shitload of overly complicated, just-as-arbitrary mythological baggage to pile on ’em.
TROLLS. In this world, they don’t have a problem with billy goats. But they can’t guard bridges without express permission from the Secret Troll Council which is currently being secretly controlled by Ogres.
sexy trolls
Sexy and sensitive. Take, for instance, this excerpt from my novel TROLL BOYFRIEND
::Lisel and her troll boyfriend approach a bridge::
Troll Boyfriend: “Lisel, I cannot allow you to cross this bridge!”
Lisel: “But why? Is it because you are… a Troll?! I knew this would never work!”
Troll Boyfriend: “No, look! It has iced over and I am afraid you will slip and injure the ankle you already injured in science class because you are clumsy, yet beautiful to me.”
Lisel: “Oh, Troll Boyfriend! May you protect me always, just as your people have protected the Bridge to the Hidden Kingdom of Trollvania for centuries, despite its complicated politics and warring factions that you have explained to me multiple times already.”
I AM NOT EVEN JOKING START WRITING IT NOW.
RIGHT NOW.
#sixseasonsandamovie, or whatever the YA novel-series-to-movie-trilogy version of that is.
I’m on it!
#threebooksandamoviethatstarsshailenewoodleybutunderperformsattheboxoffice
ps don’t forget to throw in some weird sex thing, a la “I cannot have sex with you for my penis will destroy you like our lovemaking will destroy this headboard,” or “here is some really poorly written actually abusive wannabe BDSM.”
“What will my parent’s think?”
“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”
*credits roll*
HUGE APPLAUSE
yes yes this is all good ::furiously jots down ‘something about destructive troll penises’ on grocery list::
Uncultured high school friends: “God, Lisel, stop trolling us!”
Lisel: “That is a slur!”
Oh yes this will be an entire subplot. Also Troll Boyfriend will get angry at Lisel for owning the LORD OF THE RINGS movie trilogy which is “violently anti-Troll.”
!!!
😀 😀 😀
Happened! http://www.amazon.com/Ascend-Trylle-Novel-Amanda-…
Mermaids, too. And boy are those mermaids not quite like what you thought mermaids were. Those are myths the mermaids want you to believe.
Is there banshee YA or harpy YA?
WRITE IT WRITE IT
(my response to everything in this thread.)
I mean, harpies are basically really mean freegans… so yea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harpy
I could totally write something where a bunch of anti-capitalist harpies are just *totally* into re-appropriating food from bankers. With their foot talons.
This reminded me of a segment from the Wikipedia article on chihuahuas, which has sadly since been changed:
“Chihuahuas are prone to eye infections or eye injury due to their large, round, protruding eyes and their relatively low ground clearance.”
Mallory, I like you quite a bit. But I resent this post for throwing shade at (on?) Vampire Academy.
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
(I’ll be doing this all night.)
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
Luxating patella.
(I'll be doing this all night.)
The only Yorkie I have ever known well was definitely a vampire.
Blade III actually had real honest to god vampire Yorkies! Also Parker Posey.
Blade III actually had real honest to god vampire Yorkies! Also Parker Posey.
Yorkshire Terrier High sounds like a very terrifying (and cute) place!