Last year, when we were looking for the goth tech who would eventually become our beloved Maria, I think I went through about thirty applications, had four or five pleasant phone calls with possible applicants, and responded to everyone who applied in an hour or two.
Currently I have 720 applications in my inbox. I am overwhelmed with emails and with love for this many weirdos who want to work with us. After 3:00 PST this afternoon, The Toast will be closed to further applications (because I have 720 applications in my inbox), so be sure to fling your resume at us in the next few hours if you’ve been delaying for any reason.
I know how unbelievably tense it feels, waiting to hear back from someone after you’ve applied for a job, and I want you to know I’m going to do my best to go through the applications thoughtfully and respond in as timely a fashion as I possibly can. Soon you will have a new mistress, terrible and beautiful as the sun.
(Confidential to Nick: Can we hire everyone? Like, everyone has the job for one week a year, or we pay everyone 1/720th of the original salary we were planning on offering? I’m open to suggestions.)
Tags: anyone who takes the term “mistress” as evidence that we will not hire a male employee should know i call everyone mistress, hiring, i’m sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, meta, the toast
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Wait, so potential applicants (for I applied immediately) only have an hour to send their resume? But there are four hours until 3 PM PST. Do you mean 3 PM Eastern?
Also the vocabulary of this headline makes me very happy. INGRESS!!
this post was originally going to go up later! FIXING NOW
I wish we could hire everyone and give them a million dollars each. I LOVE YOU GOOFS
You don’t have to hire me. You can just give me a million dollars. I know, I know, I’m so selfless.
We are the most selfless. I will also take payment in the form of a lifetime supply of internet and chocolate mint ice cream. And a pony.
i’m ok with this plan.
I am okay being told how heartbroken you are that you cannot hire me, but that you will continue to publish my writing and whisper nice things about me behind my back.
I’m following Mallory’s story about not-coffee with the Bustle dude. Praying for the day when you can hire Bryan Greenberg to be your secretary and have him bring your staff coffee and cocktails in a demeaning outfit. #professionalmisandry
I want a full-length post about that not-coffee situation. #humantable
SECONDED
YES. Because I was outside doing outside things and I missed the whole thing. Actually, I missed a lot of things which was maybe not all that bad really.
For a second, I thought this was going to be the Mr. Burns entry in the Simpsons series and I got really excited.
You there! Fill it up with petroleum distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!
I’m sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix.
Deceleratrix is an inherently sexist term and I will not stand for it.
Also, where are the Burns-O’s?
The toast just seems like a great place to work!
I join my fellow applicants in polite and slightly gnawing anticipation, and wish you all the best of luck. Should one of you get this job and not me, I promise to be pleased for you and to keep my bitter exclamations private.
I’m banking on Mallory and Nicole surreptitiously employing the War Games method of applicant selection. The only way to get the job is to have not applied! If so, I’m a shoe-in!
I’m glad that I haven’t applied so that I can enjoy the selection process without anxiety and be happy with whoever is hired!
(Which is not to say that all applicants are necessarily anxious, jealousy-ridden monsters, just that I am in this sort of scenario.)
no it’s fine i’m an anxious jealousy-ridden monster
I did not apply because I had a feeling the submissions would be very numerous and all far, far more qualified than me, but I definitely am pleased there were THIS numerous! Good luck, potential Toasties! (soft bread? fresh bread? I like fresh bread in general and as this metaphor in particular)
I did not apply because I would be a TERRIBLE Bert, so I am with you! GOOD LUCK, you rising loafs!
I’m deeply grateful that the first time I really looked inside and asked myself “Are you an Ernie or a Bert?” it was in an environment where Berts were desired and cherished. Otherwise, that might have been a shattering realization.
UGH *loaves*.
See, I’m an ideas man. I’ll leave the copy-editing to others.
In my first post-college interview the hiring lady told me that 2,500 people had applied. It was a part time, minimum wage position. Recession!
D: D: D:
I have not applied, as I have a job I like and live in the UK. But, as someone who works daily with people looking for jobs, THANK YOU for updating your applicants like this- as depressing as it is to know you are one of hundreds, its better to know what’s going on while you are waiting than just be frustrated with no information.
Thank you so much for the updates on this job posting, Mallory; I was running behind all week after a medical crisis, and I would have been heartbroken to miss the shift in deadline. I’m sure you’re getting stacks of glowingly qualified applicants, and I’m thrilled to be among them.
There is literally no other job opening for which I would have skipped my painkillers to refresh my CV and write a cover letter (relatively) clearheaded. I know that’s true because there’s another rare and beautiful position — a brief but exciting temporary weekend research project that doesn’t conflict with your terms, she added oh so casually — with a deadline later in the week and I’m perfectly happy recovering a bit before I start that application. THE TOAST WAITS FOR NO OPIATES.
Whoever does land this plum spot is both fortunate and well-deserving; I wish us all luck!
“THE TOAST WAITS FOR NO OPIATES” –> next t-shirt?
(Opiates high-five from a girl futzing around on The Toast while saying “hell no” to a migraine.)
OPIATES HIGH-FIVE
I went right back on the dosing schedule after I sent my application. A) Oooow. B) Worth it.
I hope you feel better soon!
I have sent you a resume mostly for your own amusement — by which I mean you asked for a physicist to apply (for a given definition of “asked”), and so you got a physicist. Clearly you wish to employ someone who has wonderful qualifications in theoretical astrophysics and experimental neutrino physics???
(No. No one thinks these are good job qualifications, including actual neutrino physicists.)
But: yes. Do let me know if you find it entertaining?
Yeah I was thinking about sending a resume mostly so they could be like “our applicant pool included poets, witches, and STEM PhDs” so I’m glad somebody did.
I love that y’all are posting about the application deadline and thus, presumably, actually looking through all the applications received up until that point… instead of quickly scanning through the apps received in the first hour and never updating that the position has been filled, which I had come to assume was the industry norm nowadays.
if I apply and am not accepted, what are you going to do with the blood, urine and hair samples?
They will be growing the next crop of employees from scratch.
I just love working at Veridian Dynamics!
This needs more likes. All of you, binge watch Better Off Ted and then like this, plz.
it is so very comforting to know that some day, there will be another version of me, composed of my very own pee, succeeding
[I just love this so much, jabbing the little thumbs-up was not going to cut it. Bravo]
Totally applied. Good luck, friends (actually I’m more of a well-wisher in that I don’t wish you any specific harm).
I think one week a year is a bit scanty but could you do a kind of Winter Editor, Summer Editor thing? I forget how this goes really but I think in the shortest, coldest day of the year the Oak Editor slays the Holly Editor and then when sun is high in June she is trampled down by a boar in the sacred meadow, with the buzzing of the bees all around. then you get yourself a new pair of fresh editors for the next season. I calculate that you could keep this going for a good 300 some years with the applicant pool you’ve got now, provided that none of us die of natural causes first. for my part, I promise not to.
This cracked me up, esp as I’m reading bits of The Golden Bough at the moment for my thesis.
Please hire queenofbithynia.
Don’t forget the ancient crown of horn and the dryad dance. Those are important parts of the ceremony!
I can’t tell if wishing that I had applied just so that I would get a response from Mallory is dirtbag-material
Don't forget the ancient crown of horn and the dryad dance. Those are important parts of the ceremony!
This needs more likes. All of you, binge watch Better Off Ted and then like this, plz.
and the staff will constantly drop napkins on the ground for him to pick up in the manner of Partiton-Beyonce
I think a lot of us applied because – well because duh, dream job, but also because we want even a “nope” from our dark and terrible Queen.
I am so sad. I wasn’t monitoring the front page for updates, I took the deadline on the original “We’re hiring” page as an official deadline, I took some extra time to make my application as good as I could make it because OH GOSH MY DREAM JOB, and then it turned out I was too late because the deadline got changed. BRB, time to self-soothe with a delicious jug of laudanum.
I want to punch all the things. And really by “all the things,” what I mean is “my own face, for the rest of eternity.”