Tip 1:
Kitties and puppies should have comfortable feet. Four of them! Even on sexy Halloween night! Make sure their costume doesn’t have heels that are too high—even if your cat has calico legs that go all the way up in her Katy Purry costume. Your cat can’t say thank you for it, but if you move your cat’s jaw and mumble “thank you,” it is almost the same thing!
Tip 2:
Just like it is for women, Halloween is a night for your cat or dog to show off their money-makers – spayed or not spayed or even full of 6-8 babies! But when helping to pick out your furry friend’s outfit, remember that October is a chilly month. So here is a safety tip: make sure that at least two-thirds of your pet’s nipples are covered. It doesn’t matter which two-thirds, it could be the front nipples, the back nipples, the left nipples, or the right nipples. Just cover two-thirds of their pink or brown nipples and your Halloween will be purr-fect!
Tip 3:
Make a big bang this Halloween with your pet’s costume, but not by giving them a loaded weapon. This year make sure to take all the ammunition out of the Glock 26 handgun your ginger cat is using to be Black Widow from The Avengers. Your Halloween will be safer, and the attention will go to where it should: your cat’s oiled up cleavage in that latex bustier! Extra tip: remember to cut a hole below the tale of your cat’s latex body suit, so she can defecate cleanly and femininely into the litter box of her choosing — otherwise she may be a literal party pooper and risk infection around her anus as she sweats in the latex. MEOW!
Tip 4:
Watch what you put in that sexy, wet, hairy mouth! No eating pumpkins on Halloween night. Even though pumpkins won’t kill your cats or dogs, it will make their G.I. track bark. Remember the old adage: What doesn’t kill your beagle will make it too bloated to slip into its sexy Baby outfit — sexy Baby from the 1990s family-favorite sitcom: Dinosaurs. Not the mama! Just Sir Barksalot dressed up as sexy Baby!
Tip 5:
Finally, make sure your pet wants to wear the outfit you put it in. This is for you and your animal companion’s safety. Halloween would be ruined if you force them into a sexy burn victim/sexy Freddy Krueger costume that makes them want to scratch their eyes out and your eyes, too. That could be ruff. Unless they scratch your eyes out in a sexy way! And sexy is what Halloween is all about—don’t let your pets forget!
Clarification:
For safety, when covering nipples cover the entire nipple to equal 2/3 of all nipples, not 2/3 of each nipple.
*
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: advice, animals, artwork, costumes, halloween, humor, julia mccloy, matt lubchansky
Related Posts
No One In Medieval Europe Knew What A Deer Looked Like
Thanks For The Heads-Up On The Los Angeles-Specific Subterranean Lizard People
Today I Learned About The Anti-Vaccinating Dog Movement
Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form
The Queen of Low Self-Esteem: A Cartoon
I’m Off To Utah Today, Please Enjoy This “Ritual Animal Disguise” Category From Wikipedia In My Absence (Don’t Worry, It’s Horrifying)
Is this where we talk about dog costumes that are sexy AND racist?
<a href=”https://twitter.com/ilikemints/status/520035321355194368″ target=”_blank”>https://twitter.com/ilikemints/status/520035321355194368
And anatomically inaccurate. That’s totally not where dogs’ boobs are.
This is where we express our live for figgie, now and forever.
The title of this had me laughing in seconds and the rest of it did not disappoint!
I would pay real money to see someone put my cat in a latex bodysuit without losing a limb. Once I touched her paw by accident and she screeched at me and then hissed and ran up the stairs like her tail was on fire. She’s…..oh, let’s go with “moody,” shall we?
But she is a blackish tortie so she’s already in costume for Halloween, I figure. The fat spotted white calico can be in costume as a cow.
I cannot handle this, it’s too good.
I really, really, really, want a costume for my cat. I stuck her in a bow tie sixth months ago and she never even tried to take it off (it’s still on!! with a tiny velcro fastener only!). So I think she’s ready for some sweater big-leagues. My apartment gets cold, so it’s the kind thing to do. right? God a little tiny cosby sweater on her would be amazing.
May I suggest:
oh my god! I was more thinking the Babe the Blue Ox or Davy Crockett ones I saw on etsy. This one would be very unpleasant for me, since her greatest desire in life is to literally fuse her body to my face/neck via violent, ecstatic rolling. Spines not good.
I put a nice brown braided belt on my cat recently, where a belt should go, and he never took it off. It kind of fell off eventually. It really did have a slimming effect.
My parents’ grande dame of a black cat, who is ancient and very friendly, once wore a little golden bow for well over a year. It came attached to a packet of Christmas cookies with a twistie tie, and I re-attached it to her collar. She didn’t even try to scratch/bite it off – she knew she looked good.
Every time we put my cat in a costume, he backs up endlessly until the costume is off. That’s his strategy for dealing with untenable stuff: back up steadily until things are no longer terrible.
It is not a bad life plan. He backed out of a cone of shame once, lord knows how.
Also it means that we have about ten seconds to photograph him in costume before he backs into a corner under the bed.
I think my new coping strategy will also be will be to back up steadily until things are no longer terrible. I may back myself up all the way across the state, but it’ll be worth it.
I love this article a whole lot, also. It made me feel uncomfortable, and realize how much I’d normalized, and laugh.
I think my new coping strategy will also be will be to back up steadily until things are no longer terrible. I may back myself up all the way across the state, but it'll be worth it.
Oh god, the pictures are amazing.
This was completely disturbing but also completely hilarious.
I’m now going to share it with everyone I know, with a straight face and somber tone.
My cat is wearing a Marshawn Lynch jersey this year, because the Buffalo Bills website had child-sized Marshawn Lynch jerseys for $5. He doesn’t play for them anymore, it’s fine, the cat doesn’t either.
How fortuitous! I just came across this photo and now I have a completely acceptable outlet to share it in.