Five Tips for a Safe and Sexy Halloween for Your Cat or Dog -The Toast

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Tip 1:

Kitties and puppies should have comfortable feet. Four of them! Even on sexy Halloween night! Make sure their costume doesn’t have heels that are too high—even if your cat has calico legs that go all the way up in her Katy Purry costume. Your cat can’t say thank you for it, but if you move your cat’s jaw and mumble “thank you,” it is almost the same thing!


Tip 2:

Just like it is for women, Halloween is a night for your cat or dog to show off their money-makers – spayed or not spayed or even full of 6-8 babies!  But when helping to pick out your furry friend’s outfit, remember that October is a chilly month. So here is a safety tip: make sure that at least two-thirds of your pet’s nipples are covered. It doesn’t matter which two-thirds, it could be the front nipples, the back nipples, the left nipples, or the right nipples. Just cover two-thirds of their pink or brown nipples and your Halloween will be purr-fect!

Tip 3:

Make a big bang this Halloween with your pet’s costume, but not by giving them a loaded weapon. This year make sure to take all the ammunition out of the Glock 26 handgun your ginger cat is using to be Black Widow from The Avengers. Your Halloween will be safer, and the attention will go to where it should: your cat’s oiled up cleavage in that latex bustier! Extra tip: remember to cut a hole below the tale of your cat’s latex body suit, so she can defecate cleanly and femininely into the litter box of her choosing — otherwise she may be a literal party pooper and risk infection around her anus as she sweats in the latex. MEOW!

Tip 4:

Watch what you put in that sexy, wet, hairy mouth! No eating pumpkins on Halloween night. Even though pumpkins won’t kill your cats or dogs, it will make their G.I. track bark. Remember the old adage: What doesn’t kill your beagle will make it too bloated to slip into its sexy Baby outfit — sexy Baby from the 1990s family-favorite sitcom: Dinosaurs. Not the mama! Just Sir Barksalot dressed up as sexy Baby!


Tip 5:

Finally, make sure your pet wants to wear the outfit you put it in. This is for you and your animal companion’s safety. Halloween would be ruined if you force them into a sexy burn victim/sexy Freddy Krueger costume that makes them want to scratch their eyes out and your eyes, too. That could be ruff. Unless they scratch your eyes out in a sexy way! And sexy is what Halloween is all about—don’t let your pets forget!


For safety, when covering nipples cover the entire nipple to equal 2/3 of all nipples, not 2/3 of each nipple.


Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

Julia McCloy is a writer working in Memphis. Her work has appeared on McSweeney's Internet Tendency. She prefers laughing to pretty much anything.

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