Yesterday: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend.
1. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would never run out of slouchy blazers and carefully tailored men’s shirts to borrow. “Just take one,” she’d say, with a sigh of mock exasperation. “You’re always wearing my stuff anyway.”
2. She’d have her own strange way of ordering things in coffee shops as a result of having grown up with having things brought to her by assistants. That’s not the way she wanted things to be; it’s just a reality of being an actress. “I’ll have the big coffee,” she’ll say, and you’ll start giggling irresistibly, not because you think less of her for it, but because you’ve never heard that particular turn of phrase before and somehow it makes you love her slightly more. “What?” she’ll say, turning to you but unable to conceal the grin spreading itself over her mouth. “I want the big coffee!”
“I want you to have to the big coffee too, babe,” you’ll say as you wrap your arms around her and move towards the counter together. “Two of the big coffees, please,” you’ll tell the cashier.
3. A few weeks into your relationship, you’d start getting friendly, studiedly casual texts from Evan Rachel Wood and Raven-Symoné and Katherine Moennig and Angel Haze and Clea Duvall and Ellen Page. “Have you told your friends about us?” you’d ask, and she’d pretend not to hear you.
“We’re just really glad to see Stewart happy,” Clea would text you. “Do you guys want to stop by for a dinner party tomorrow? It will be exactly like the one Bette and Tina threw in season three, with all the garden lanterns and none of the fighting or butch-phobia.”
4. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would be the only person in the world who knew how often she really smiled.
5. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, every one of your exes would start angling for invitations to weekend brunch. But Kristen doesn’t do weekend brunch.
“It’s just such a production for like, eight-dollar ham slices and not even that great French toast,” she’d say, before wrapping her legs around you. “Just stay in bed with me. I’ll make you brunch.”
“You can’t cook,” you’d remind her. “You can barely even order coffee.”
“I used to live next door to a guy who was a short-order cook in Koreatown,” she’d say. “On nights I couldn’t sleep, he’d show me how to make omelettes, poached eggs. I learned a bunch of shit from him.”
“Baaabe,” you’d say. “You couldn’t sleep? I’m so sorry.”
“Fuck off,” she’d say, and walk towards the kitchen in a pair of boxer briefs. “I’m making you eggs.”
6. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she’d never correct your pronunciation of words you’d read but never heard spoken aloud before. She’d never pretend to have read something she hadn’t, either.
7. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would never make you go to Coachella with her. “I know festivals aren’t your thing,” she’d say, and she’d mean it. “I want you to spend the weekend with your friends. Doing something you like to do.” Kristen Stewart would never succumb to the lesbian urge to merge. She would admire you for needing space, and she would give it to you.
8. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would not encourage you to get matching haircuts. “I like that you’re your own person,” she’d say. But she would still let you borrow her motorcycle boots.
9. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would introduce you to Joan Jett like she was introducing you to her mom. “Are you ready?” she’d ask twenty minutes before she was supposed to leave. “I really don’t want to be late for this. Do you want me to go bring the car around?”
You’d poke your head out from behind the bedroom door. “If you went to go bring the car around, we’d be twenty minutes late, because every woman in Los Angeles would be trying to tear the flannel off of you.”
“I’m just really excited for you to meet her,” Kristen would say.
“I know,” you’d say.
“I don’t want anyone to tear the flannel off of me but you,” she’d say.
“I know,” you’d say. “Now let me finish getting dressed. Go sit down.” And she would. And Joan Jett would love you.
10. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would always humor you when you wanted to read particularly gory passages aloud in bed from the medical mystery non-fiction books you like.
“I don’t mind,” she’d say. “Yeah, let me hear another one.”
Tags: kristen stewart, relationships
“If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would be the only person in the world who knew how often she really smiled.”
MY HEART JUST BROKE.
I was just about to post a similar thing.
I have very few opinions on Kristen Stewart, but that was really sweet.
11. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend you’d be the luckiest girl on the planet.
This is the only kind of “first person fanfiction where ‘fill-in-the-blank celebrity’ is your boyfriend/girlfriend!!” that I want to read.
WRITTEN BY TOAST EDITORS WITH HEARTBREAKING DETAIL….if you need me, I’ll be dead.
The only kind of second person subjunctive fanfiction I want to read at all
my face is the heart eyes emoji
the crying one, to be honest
I need to go faint.
Yes, a fainting couch would be quite handy right now.
If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she’d lay you out on the couch with a cold compress to help you recover, but she’d still (gently, lovingly) tease you about your fainting spell for a week.
I love this. But when I look deep down in my heart and look back at my relationships, I’d be more: If Kristen Stewart Was Your Ex-GFs Girlfriend
I love the secret message found in the overlap of the Channing Tatum-Kristen Stewart ideal partner Venn diagram is: “Don’t man/woman/person-splain books to your partner / Don’t try to act like you’re smarter than your partner”
Not a lesbian but now I want to date KStew. Also, this article needs to contine for, like, ever! I need thousands of more “If KStew were your girlfriend”
Okay Stanley Tucci may be my fantasy husband but Kristen Stewart is definitely my new girlfriend. And since I think Stan would throw an excellent dinner party, I’m pretty well covered food-wise.
I just had a conversation about celebrities you’d befriend if they were your seatmate on a long flight – Stanley Tucci was my instant #1 choice. He just seems so good at being around other humans! In a genuine and interesting way! And has great stories! Ugh, Stanley Tucci. <3
I bet he throws an AMAZING dinner party and is an excellent fantasy boyfriend.
Yes! That would be perfect. I bet he’d have fancy caramels and insist on sharing, and give you the number for his masseuse. Just a delightful person.
sometimes spaghetti likes to be alone!
I was thinking more of him circa Julie & Julia, but you’ve reminded me to rewatch Big Night, so thank you 🙂
I have his cookbook. I love the Tucci.
Stop making me want another relationship, Mallory/Nicole! I’m doing just fine as a single person! *stomps off*
“Fuck off,” she’d say, and walk towards the kitchen in a pair of boxer briefs. “I’m making you eggs.”
BAAAAAAAAABE. *swoons.*
Don’t sweat the Jett.
Jodie, on the other hand….
These are heartbreaking and I honestly can’t pinpoint just why.
I felt exactly the same way and couldn’t quite verbalize it. just the tragedy of how perfect things are in our heads in a way they never will be in the real world, I guess.
I just want her to have a nice normal liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife and be happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, is part of it.
this list just renewed my lease on gay
KStew is actually known to be a good cook. *heart eyes*
“I want you to have to the big coffee too, babe,” you’ll say as you wrap your arms around her and move towards the counter together. “Two of the big coffees, please,” you’ll tell the cashier.
This is pretty much everything I’ve ever wanted out of a relationship.
“I’ll have the big coffee,” she’ll say, and you’ll start giggling irresistibly, not because you think less of her for it, but because you’ve never heard that particular turn of phrase before and somehow it makes you love her slightly more. “What?” she’ll say, turning to you but unable to conceal the grin spreading itself over her mouth. “I want the big coffee!”
Ahhhh that smile. THAT SMILE. I can see it so clearly, and it’s just the best.
A couple of weeks ago a friend said he wasn’t a big fan of hers and I felt unaccountably defensive and knew it was only because of Mallory. Now this! Thanks for giving me a weird crush on someone I have only seen on screen for like fifteen minutes. My husband is never going to understand this one. Thank goodness he’s totally cool with my thing for Milla Jovovich (“your Russian girlfriend” “she’s Ukrainian!”).
That friend could turn around on KStew! I did! I used to think pfffffffft about her because HEY INTERNALIZED SEXISM LIKE WHOA, then I realized how refreshing it is to see a young female actor who isn’t all smiles every time the cameras flash (which, for her, must be every time she’s outside her home) and, boom, that switch flicked.
Of course, as always with celebrities, I don’t know if I get her, but I get how valuable the image she represents can be.
A picture of KStew turned up as an incidental photo on The Daily Show yesterday, as the cover girl of “Give No Fucks” magazine, and I thought, “Yeah, TDS staff, you get it.”
She was born in Ukraine [USSR] but considers herself to be Russian… Just FYI
I wasn’t a fan until I saw the Jenny Lewis video and then I was like, “ohhhhhhhh”
Thank you for introducing me to this video.
omg the eggs. MY eggs sat up and I’m p. damn straight.
Saaaaaaame
I just got even gayer
I didn’t think it was possible but I think I leveled up
If nobody was your girlfriend/boyfriend because you are asexual, toast articles these days are a little indecipherable, like maybe are they written in a secret code that I don’t know but everyone else does?
EDIT: like maybe can i learn how to be straight if i reread these?? idk would like to know
Nah, these articles are not a teaching tool. They can only resonate with something that’s already within you, and if you don’t care for romantic relationships, there’s no chord for them to strike. You do you, Floridagal. 🙂
There is a distinct lack of Stewart gif on here, let me help.
Look at these! How can anyone complain that she doesn’t smile? She’s smiling in almost every image here.
The tension arises, of course, because she’s smiling a small, seemingly earnest, internal smile of true pleasure or amusement or even discomfort. She’s smiling her smile. It’s not aimed outward in a search for approval or as a tool of media seduction*. It’s for her, and young women in the public eye aren’t expected to save anything for themselves.
*edited to add: or even as a display of professionalism or media savvy, and of course there are plenty of other reasons people in the public eye smile big smiles; I’m not trying to trample on other young female actors who smile more broadly. But KStew gets trampled plenty for using an everyday range of expressions because we’re so used to Big Hollywood Smiles.
Please continue this thread of KStew gifs I love them and I want them all.
God the first two
WHAT IS HAPPENING AM I GAY NOW
OMG that second gif is amazing ! First there is no smile, then it’s all smile, and I am completely hypnotized trying to figure out the transition. It’s perfection.
This is a precious precious gift.
This is my everything
This is such an elaborate and detailed fantasy, I approve so much.
I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would be like if Kristen Stewart were my girlfriend. My brain cannot comprehend such glory – there’s just a blank space filled with screaming. Like in the Bible when people encountered angels and their eyes and ears explode. Exactly like that, but also my internal organs turn to lava.
“I can’t tell if it’s your general flat affect, or if you’re not that mad…”
If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would never have to deal with harassment. “So are you two dykes?” a catcaller might say, and KStew would vaporize him with her gaze like Roald Dahl’s Grand High Witch. “Get a salad, fatty!” some swole douche would yell as you enjoyed a sandwich, and he would simply cease to exist. “Smile for me, baby!” an idiot might tell you as you took a walk, and her vengeance would surpass human comprehension.
This is one of the hottest things I have ever read (up there near the top with this article)
and walk towards the kitchen in a pair of boxer briefs
Lordy lordy
I finished #5 and the feelings I was getting from this were so intense, I had to take a break. Okay, to #6 I go.
Rachel Maddow next, if you’re taking requests.
She made me a cocktail once and I was ready to leave my boyfriend.
!!!
this is better than every celebrity story I have
My husband and I would both leave each other for her. Odds are in my favor.
If Rachel Maddow were your girlfriend, she would make you signature vintage-inspired cocktails with punny names and entreat you to go fishing with her and probably at the very least bring back a bass for you if you weren’t into the fishing thing but might be interested in eating freshly caught fish.
If Rachel Maddow were your girlfriend, she would sometimes text you pictures of people or things from the MSNBC office and you’d tell her snapchat would be easier, but she doesn’t really like downloading extra apps.
If Rachel Maddow were your girlfriend, you would walk your lab together on weekend afternoons.
(I met her once after a talk she gave and she introduced herself /to me/ like WHO ARE YOU RACHEL MADDOW, HOW ARE YOU SO PERFECT)
If Rachel Maddow were your girlfriend, you would walk your lab together on weekend afternoons.
I misread that as “walk to your lab together” and immediately my brain filled in the rest: “Yes, in this reality, I am a mad scientist and my girlfriend Rachel Maddow supports me in my quest for world domination, yes, of course, perf.”
I support this fantasy. Tell me more.
I DIDN’T KNOW I WANTED THIS BUT NOW I WON’T BE COMPLETE WITHOUT IT
I know I’m late to the party, but this might hold you over: http://jezebel.com/5963346/your-imaginary-girlfri…
Before the Toast, I never thought about Kristen Stewart one way or the other.
After the Toast, I would gladly leave my heterosexual life behind forever to live in this post.
Mallory’s claims of being a witch are v. true, guys.
this entire site has convinced me to come out to my friends and family as bi, and zero people were surprised.
My experience has been similar.
OMG, right? I was vaguely aware of her in a disinterested kind of way. ‘That Twilight girl’, I thought.
The Toast and tumblr gifs have taught me the error of my ways.
I’m not quite ready to leave my current life behind forever (um, hi, spouse, if you’re reading this! love you!) but it is distinctly true that due to this site I am aware in previously unheard of ways of KStew’s many, many charms.
What if Kristen Stewart was my girlfriend AND ALSO Channing Tatum was my boyfriend?
This please.
oh, the threesomes we’d have
I actually feel like they’d get along surprisingly well?? like they wouldn’t be dating each other as well, but they’d have a cute sibling-like relationship. I feel like on nights you had to work late you’d come home to find them playing video games with each other
okay, i read this and said “oh my god” and then laughed and accidentally spilled my drink all over the place because, oh my god, coming home late to find them playing video games together. oh.
no you can’t just say things like this, i need a warning
i don’t even like channing tatum
YISS
I could adjudicate their press-up competitions and have a never-ending supply of open-sided vest tops to steal. Yes please.
Tbh, most of my feelings about Kristen Stewart aren’t even about Kristen Stewart. They’re about all the people who feel entitled to command her emotional state, and don’t acknowledge how fucked up that is. The more they beat on her, the more I want to buy her soup and binge-watch Arrested Development with her until the world gets distracted by whatever nonsense James Franco is up to.
But you know… dating could be cool, too.
“Kristen Stewart would never succumb to the lesbian urge to merge”
SO CRUCIAL ugh
If Kristen Stewart was your girlfriend she’d give you a motorcycle for your birthday even though you don’t know how to drive it, and she’d tell you “That’s ok, you know, just park it in the loft. We can just use it to take silly pictures with.” But you’d never post those pictures on the cloud.
between this and just watching camp x-ray…these are pretty much my last words. bye
Did I hallucinate it or was she the cover model on a fake magazine (NO F*$CKS GIVEN) cover on last night’s Daily Show? If it wasn’t her, thinking it was made the gag even better because that is definitely her resting face’s thesis statement.
It totally was totally her.
YES and I screamed “KSTEW!” aloud.
That’s it. I’m done. Dead.
If Mallory and K-Stew don’t make out at least ONCE before I die then it is irrefutable proof of the godlessness of the universe.
Fun fact: when I worked at Starbucks, this couple came into the store a lot. They’re just the cutest, and I’m glad we’re friends on FB as a result of my time at Starbucks.
Edit: this is re: EB’s comment about the big coffee thing being everything they’ve ever wanted out of a relationship.
also if KStew was your girlfriend you could introduce her to GOOD books and take turns reading to each other from Ali Liebegott or Eileen Myles while you burn her Bukowski and Kerouac in a new moon ritual cleansing her library of alcoholic misogyny. It would be beautiful.
You could drive to the ocean, stay in a cute cottage, and fling her copy of “The Old Man and the Sea” into the sea!
oh, mallory, i am no kristen stewart but this makes me want to be *your* girlfriend.
If k stew were my girlfriend and was all of that, I’d put a ring on it so quick.
Sadly if Kristen Stewart was my girlfriend, people would be asking her if I’m her mother.
I am filled with restless longings
Oh boy, thanks for the enormous crush I’ll never be able to explain to anyone. “The chick from Twlight?” people will ask me. “The lip-bitey one?” I’m going to spend the next two weeks telling people to fuck off and doodling hearts in my Trapper Keeper. 🙁
I am a straight middle aged woman who hated the Twilight movies and now I really wish I was dating Kristen Stewart. That’s good writing for you.
Damn, I’ve been wondering (again) if I’m really straight and this post may have just answered the question.
You weave a tale like no other, regardless of the format. Even for me, as a straight male, you continue to make this fan fiction work for me…not that you need it, but kudos!
““I don’t want anyone to tear the flannel off of me but you,” she’d say.” FUCK
Right before Valentine’s Day.
(emoji of person slamming face into pillow, crying, cursing relationships, and giving in to The Futility of It All)
” If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would never make you go to Coachella with her.”
See, that’s one of the most off-putting things about OkCupid profiles. “What if I don’t *want* to do all this stuff (all the time), it’s all she’s talking about!” I definitely don’t want to see more than three bands, maximum, at any time.
Or go hiking every day.
" If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she would never make you go to Coachella with her."
See, that's one of the most off-putting things about OkCupid profiles. "What if I don't *want* to do all this stuff (all the time), it's all she's talking about!" I definitely don't want to see more than three bands, maximum, at any time.
Or go hiking every day.
i’m hiding my head in my hands with how much this piece has affected me!!!!! kristen please i’m at work!!!!!
i'm hiding my head in my hands with how much this piece has affected me!!!!! kristen please i'm at work!!!!!
Kristen Stewart apparently has a lot in common with my actual girlfriend. Now I’m conflicted.
……I'm overwraught, I need to lie down.
You are her new assistant – just walking together from the car to a diner. She's meeting someone for brunch and she lets you tag along because she can. A fat pap with a camera lens inversely proportional to his dick yells out an unkind word or two in reference to your girth (sure you are butch, what's a girl gonna do?). She stops in her tracks. Comes over to you, unclips the top button of your jeans. Your jeans were already loose enough, but she's making her point. She wraps her sylphlike arm around your waist, drops her hand in the back of your jeans. You drape your arm over her shoulder and swagger into the diner. The middle aged men can't take the shots for their vacuous magazines, hands too shaky.
I think I cried a little bit.
I really wish Kristen Stewart was my girlfriend :’)
Can you please, please, please continue this? I think I just need a hundred more and that not even gonna be enough… Btw, when a read the number 9… God, I was fucking shocked, that’s exac what I want in life Kristen being my girlfriend introducing me to Joan Jett as if she were her mother.
Just seeing this, i love it tremendously.
“6. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, she’d never correct your pronunciation of words you’d read but never heard spoken aloud before. She’d never pretend to have read something she hadn’t, either.”
THIS. I now want to date KStew based solely on this comment, because she’d be my dream girl. My friend mocked me the other day because I didn’t pronounce “bough” correctly. Like, really?
This is still one of the best ones.