M*A*S*H*
Military Alda Softens Hearts
The Sopranos
“Congratulations,” she said. “You’ve all made the choir. And I just know this is going to be our greatest year ever.”
Mad Men
“You’re not really that mad at me, are you?” she asked them. The men thought about it.
“No,” one of them said. She smiled in relief. “We could never stay really mad at you.”
They really weren’t very mad men after all. It was just a name.
Doctor Who
“Sorry, which doctor?” Tim asked. “I’m afraid I didn’t catch the name.”
“Me,” one of the doctors said, extending his hand. “Doctor Bennington. I’m the doctor you were looking for.”
“Oh, terrific,” Tim said. “Solved that mystery, I guessed.”
They both laughed, not because it was a particularly funny joke, but because they were just getting to know each other, and wanted to make the other person feel comfortable and relaxed.
The Good Wife
“One more thing,” he said. “I’ve got to call C –”
“I want ahead and did that for you while you were in the shower,” his wife said. “You seemed really busy and stressed out, so I thought I would take that off your list of things to do.”
“Wow,” he said. “What a good wife.”
She really was a good wife.
Babylon 5
“Oh, I think you must be looking for Babylon 4,” she said. “This is Babylon 5.”
“Oh, you’re right,” he said. “Sorry to bother you.”
“No trouble at all,” she said. “Good luck.”
Deadwood
“Well, it’s mostly dead wood,” he said.
“Is that bad?” he asked anxiously.
“Not if you’re trying to build the biggest bonfire this town has ever seen,” he said, which they were.
It was the biggest bonfire that town had ever seen.
NYPD Blue
“Would you call it sea blue?” he asked. “I’d call it more of an NYPD blue.”
“I guess I can see it that way,” he said. “Sure, it’s a little bit of both.”
Either way, they decided to buy it.
Friday Night Lights
“Don’t be fooled by the name,” Tami said. “The lights come on every night, as long as you use the light switch.”
The Wire
“There are three kinds of wire. There’s what you have, which is garbage – and you can see where that’s gotten you. There’s bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there’s copper, which is the only wire I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.” He sure knew a lot about wire, which was good, for an electrician.
Tags: probably, television
definitely an underrated Moonstruck quote!
As soon as I saw it I got excited. I just rewatched that last week and may watch it again tonight with my knitting, tea, and cat because I’m Cher before the makeover without a good job or living rent free.
GOD. WHAT HAVE I DONE.
But I love that movie.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE I NOW HAVE TO WATCH IT TONIGHT!
My god what a movie though! I need some sage advice from Olympia Dukakis, always.
Oh man, I would be so happy to have Olympia Dukakis constantly giving me sage advice.
“Do you love him? Oh, God, that’s too bad.”
Also, the grandpa. THE GRANDPA. He’s my other favorite.
And man do I miss 80s/90s Nicholas Cage. He was weirdly wonderful.
Old man. You give those dogs one more piece of my food. And I’ll kick ya. Till you’re dead.
“I just want you to know no matter what you do, you’re gonna die, just like everybody else.”
I AM SAVING THAT ONE FOR USE
…SOMEDAY.
I flipped. I love that movie so much.
True story: Moonstruck is my father’s favorite movie. He is an old-school, baby-boomer, blue collar Man who looooves a Cher movie. It tickles me to no end.
The woman understood. The man wanted to be cheap, but the woman saw that Omar was right.
He had such a head for knowing. He knew everything.
They’ll certainly need an awful lot of luck, if they’re looking for Babylon 4.
“No trouble at all,” she said. “Good luck.”
Zathras left, and Ivanova breathed a sigh of relief. That’s the last thing I needed today, she thought.
😀 !!!
Well if God said it, Babylon 4 must be out there somewhere.
True Detective
“Hi, is this the detectives’ office?”
“No ma’am, we’re the false detectives. We’re like the first line of the defense for the real, or true, detectives.”
“Oh.”
“One of us always lies, and one of us always tells the truth…”
Two and a Half Men:
“OH MY GOD WHO CUT OFF BOB’S LEGS?”
This is making me laugh so much right now.
Six Feet Under
The hole was too big. He should not have dug down so far.
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
It was another beautiful day, just as it had been for the past ten years. Dennis decided to have another picnic.
Orphan Black
It was a shame that Sirius’s parents had died suddenly. Fortunately, the Potters would be able to take him in.
Orange Is The New Black
“I can’t explain it!” said Piper, looking at the crayons. “This crayon says ‘black’ on it, but it looks orange!”
lollin’ HARD at Orphan Black
For Orange is the New Black, I was expecting a follow-up to Orphan Black–James Potter starts spending all of his time with his new best friend, Funny Orange.
Hilarious Orange would be a more fitting Potterverse name.
Hilarious Orange actually sounds not too far off from Advanced Potion-Making author Libatius Borage.
the doctor who one was amazing. i love your “described by someone who has never seen/read them” series so much.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians
the kardashian family was the fastest family in town. every morning they would stretch on their front lawns, getting ready for that day’s run. they invited all their neighbours to join them, but it was hard, because the kardashians were very fast runners. it was no big deal though–sometimes kylie and kris would have circled all the way around the block only to find their neighbours huffing and puffing at the corner. they would all laugh. it was so much fun keeping up with the kardashians.
Moonlighting
sometimes they were clowns, sometimes they were acrobats, sometimes they were baristas or apprentices or volunteer librarians–but they were always having fun. it was very exciting to have so many different jobs.
Remington Steele
it was the largest steel producer on the outskirts of town. mr. remington, the owner, thought it would be funny to add an “e” to the end of steel, to make it seem more old-fashioned. everyone who passed the factory had a good laugh. it made them very happy to be in on the joke.
But what if the homeless crack addicts keep stealing the copper wire you’re trying to put in your row house because there are no social services for them in this broken American city?????
M*A*S*H = ACCURATE
Came down here to post this exact thing.
Game of Thrones: “It’s like musical chairs, but we just use really fancy looking chairs!”
Breaking Bad: “I’m so sorry, Mr. White! The mug just slipped out of my hands!”
*camera slides down and focuses on a mug that has the word ‘Bad’ on it*
“JESSE!”
Birds fly to the stars. I guess.
One of my best friends made a hundred new themes for tv shows based on a similar premise. I think you guys will enjoy them, they’re great. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y78sJelMl1E&l…
The X-Files
“I can’t find Mr. Xavier’s reports in here. Where are the X files?”
“There aren’t enough X named patients to merit their own drawer, so we’ve merged them with Y and Z.”
“Good thinking.”
Oh my god, look how small his neck is.
“You remember 13 Dead End Drive?”
“Not really.”
“It was like Clue combined with Mouse Trap. So the game board was a mansion, and you and the other players were a bunch of people vying for an inheritance or something, and you could murder your rivals by luring their token under a falling chandelier or a toppling suit of armor or what have you.”
“Oh, right! That one. I think my friend’s sister had it. I was going to play it with them once, but the trap door thingy broke during set-up, so we just pulled out Monopoly instead.”
“I’m not at all surprised. Dead End Drive was a shoddy job all the way through production, and I should know: I wrote the design document. My original proposal layed out an in-depth simulation of Quattrocento politics, with the players taking charge of the Medicis, Borgias, Gonzagas, Orsinis, and Sforzas. They would engage in marriages and duels, treaties and vendettas, assassinations and assignations, all with a view to claiming the thrones of Lombardy, Naples, and the Papacy. I actually represented the thrones in game with plastic models – that’s the part that Milton Bradley liked. So they bought the idea, replaced the name and theme, added the armor and chandeliers and trick staircases. The factory was having trouble casting the thrones on budget, so they finally took them out in order to ship the game before Christmas.”
“Wow, tough break. Just out of curiosity: what was going to be your name for the game with the big fancy chairs?”
“Bellum Omnium Contra Omnes.”
Would play, for real.
A lot of people really were looking for Bablyon 4, right? It’s been a while, but I think that was the station that mysteriously disappeared and turned out to have traveled back in time…?
Yes. This is how we can all tell that Mallory has totally seen B5, and is trolling us all, just as she does with textile misidentification.
Sense8
“Really, if you take into account nonhuman animals, it’s a different story. Sharks can detect electrical disturbances in the water, birds migrate in alignment with magnetic fields… It’s just anthropocentric to insist there are only five senses.”
Iron Chef
“I’ll take over grilling duties if it storms today,” she smiled kindly at the toque-wearing robot.
Hannibal
“Sire! The Romans refuse to back down from their plans to destroy our empire!”
The military commander frowned. “They leave us no choice,” he said. “Let slip the elephants of war. We are crossing the Alps.”
Would rather watch this, to be honest.
I WOULD WATCH THE HECK OUT OF THIS IT IS NOT FOR JESTING.
“That anthropology course sure was enlightening.”
“Yes, who would’ve thought there are so many ways of being human?”
“I’m sorry, sir, that wing of the hospital is only for very high-ranking officers. That’s the general hospital. You want the colonel hospital.”
I don’t know, that sums up a major plot in Babylon 5 pretty well.
Orphan Black:
“Ugh, Archer, can you explain just *how* your turtlenecks can be different shads of black?”, Lana implored.
“C’mon, Lana,” Archer said. “There’s Coal Black, Midnight Black, Leather Black…”
“Orphan Black,” Cheryl suggested.
“And just why would something be called ‘Orphan Black’?” Cyril inquired, not really wanting to know the answer.
“Oh you know,” Cheryl chimed matter-of-factly. “Like how orphans will invariably grow up bitterly resenting their lack of parental structure which will turn their little souls into inescapable black pits.”
.
Everyone is silent for several seconds.
“Jesus Christ,” Pam says between fistfuls of donuts
You sir are amazing
Oh, Mallory, you have such a head for knowing.
Say what you will about Babylon 5, but it was amazing how the show’s creators turned the simple premise of a telephone exchange operator into the funniest, spiciest sitcom of the 1950s. It’s hard to believe that they got some of those jokes past the censors.
“Hi, I’m Gilligan, and this is my island.”
–no, that was basically the show, wasn’t it.
“My name’s Starsky, and this is Hutch.”
–dang, this is harder than I thought…
“We certainly are a bunch… of Bradys.”
FUCK
Visiting my brother in Cambridge, I was very disappointed that “8 Out of 10 Cats” featured no felines whatsoever.
Um. . .
Game of Thrones?
“Musical chairs is much more fun when you have thrones instead of folding chairs,” exclaimed Nancy.
“Yes,” Rod agreed. “And fortunately we have enough so that after we finish that game, we can all sit in our thrones and play Monopoly.”
Firefly:
A nature documentary narrated by Richard Attenborough
Castle:
A Michael Palin-hosted tour of old European places of residence.
The Walking Dead:
“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to come in on Saturday…”
Deadwood
Copy Chief: For fuck’s sake Seth, this sentence has more deadwood than California in a drought! Get your head in the game or you’re out of here!
Seth: I’ll make sure this copy’s tighter than the butthole of St. Cecilia, sir.
VO: Nobody ever tells you this, but the world of publishing is full of the greatests pack of cocksuckers who have ever cocksucked on this good green earth.
~fin
“Well look I didn’t have garbage wire to start with, but the tenth time some heroin junkie steals your copper you start to question the long term savings.”
All My Children
“Wow,” said the visitor, trying to be polite during his first visit to Pine Valley, “There sure are a lot of children.”
“And they’re all mine,” Erica said, flashing a knowing smile.
Full House
The couple arrived at Old Widower Tanner’s house. They were tired from their long journey, but his Bed & Breakfast was known as one of the finest in San Francisco.
“Any rooms available?” the wife asked hopefully.
“Sorry, we’re full,” Old Widower Tanner answered.
Justified:
“There,” she said with satisfaction, hitting the button in MS word. “Now the entire document is right-justified.”
The Babylon 5 one could be straight from the show. You know, with all the time-travel shenanigans..
Law & Order
[Woman slams book shut] Well, now all the laws are in alphabetical order. Another victory for criminal justice.
Law & Order
[Woman slams book shut] Well, now all the laws are in alphabetical order. Another victory for criminal justice.
Happy Endings:
He certainly was a good masseuse, if that's the sort of thing you like.
Star Trek
“It’s a nice night for a trek,” he said.
“Yes,” she replied. “The stars are very bright tonight.”
House of Cards
They knew the house was flimsy, but they had nowhere else to stay.
The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
He was a new prince, a fresh new prince.
“What happened to the old prince?” asked a longtime resident of Bel-Air.
No one would tell him, and the fresh new prince reigned for many years.