How To Menstruate

by Mallory Ortberg · August 12, 2015

menstruate2Step 1: Believe in yourself.

Step 2: Collect smooth, round stones in preparation for building your nest.

Step 3: Buy your tickets from a reputable vendor like StubHub or Ticketmaster.

Step 4: Stretch.

Step 5: After the initial 40 days of mourning, sprinkle natron on the surface of the skin, then inside the chest cavity, as well as any internal organs wrapped and sealed in separate jars.

Step 6: Get plenty of rest.

Step 7: Visualize your goals. Be sure to set aside a “safety option” in case your first choice falls through.

Step 8: Make sure that the venue is suitable for the occasion and that you’ve scheduled it in advance, with plenty of time as a buffer both before and after. Times to avoid include just before lunch and the end of the day.

Step 9: Stay in one place until help arrives.

Step 10: Get ready to be open and vulnerable. Emotional availability is crucial.

Step 11: Prepare yourself to be reconciled by making an examination of conscience, seeing to it that you have been fasting since the hour of the Midnight Office.

Step 12: Point and shoot.

Step 13: Fan the grains into the air, allowing the wind to winnow the chaff harmlessly away.

Step 14: Tell a friend in order to set your intention and make your resolution public. Consider seeking out a mentor whose menstruation you’ve admired in the past.

Step 15: Add salt to taste.

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49 Comments

  2. HyacinthGirl +51

    I’ve not stopped announcing that “everything I touch turns to kefir,” and now I find more menstrual inspiration. Mallory, you are my patronus.

  3. lesliejroot +83

    This is amazing. My period-tracking app sends out these ridiculous reminders to “get cozy” and “stock up on healthy snacks to combat PMS cravings” when my period’s about to start (which… I don’t get PMS cravings but this is clearly a “buy carrot sticks so you don’t eat chocolate, fattie!” thing, right?). Obviously what I should be stocking up on is natron.

    1. MoMo +106

      I get PMS cravings. Healthy snacks absolutely will not cut it, what the fuck am I going to do with carrot sticks. I’ve decided that my body is telling me it wants chocolate/chips/all the food on Earth for a reason, and so I should listen to my body.

      1. projectbeks +120

        “what the fuck am I going to do with carrot sticks” is basically me, all the time.

        1. grace_adieu +63

          They do redeem themselves slightly as a mechanism by which delicious dips can be transported to my mouth.

      1. hotjumpingbeans +39

        Mine cries out for salami. Lovers of fatty salted meats steeped in nitrates, unite!

        1. elsajeni +19

          Mine only wants salt. It doesn’t necessarily demand salt flavor — I get Gatorade cravings — but mmmmm salt.

    3. pretty_monster +73

      my Bloodening Time requires fresh red meat. one Friday a month, the man whom is have spared in order that he may grill for me knows that he must supply me with a barely cooked bone-in ribeye. i will growl as i gnaw the fat from said bone. he will not admonish me for not using utensils. he does not interfere with my feeding lest he loose fingers or life.

      1. lesliejroot +12

        Although I am vegetarian, this comment kind of makes me wish I did get PMS cravings.

        1. pretty_monster +23

          i’ve dreamt i was my true monster self, all sleek fur and teeth and claws, hunting wildebeest in the moonlight. it gets cray cray.

        2. sorrycassandra +3

          I went veg a few months back, and the only meatlike thing I still crave is very rare beef. I have not tracked whether these cravings correspond to particular points in the cycle, but I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

        1. pretty_monster +11

          produce for me crispy bacon orbs filled will luscious steak tar-tar and i shall consider it.

    1. cleoreads +11

      Hah, I knew I liked to sit on the beach and make piles of stones for a reason. I’m practicing for my nest of sun warmed rocks.

  5. yejmeister +36

    Mallory, what if I can’t even start with step 1?
    This seems way too difficult.
    Sorry I am so fucking needy.

  6. logicbutton +165

    So YOU don’t want OUR advice on preparing eggs but then we get this. I see how it is.

  9. frankie0darling +118

    lololol mallory you blowhard, you forgot about making sure to use long steady strokes in only ONE direction, and to have your thank-you cards printed and stamped in advance

  10. TheVelourax +34

    Step 16: Use a damp paper towel to remove food particles from the jar sealing surface, then turn screw bands fingertip tight to ensure a good seal.

    1. owlbrick +11

      Step 17: Work in long, even strokes in the direction of the grain, rather than across it.

  11. halloweenjack64 +34

    What, no “Pick a suitable target for your telekinetic wrath if things go badly”? Disclaimer: I am not a menstruator. (Neither is Stephen King.)

    1. projectbeks +47

      You don’t really need a target, though. Menstruation acts like an electric fence. Anyone gets within range/sets off your sensors – ZAAAPPPPP!

    2. Mrs_Peel +13

      It’s acceptable, but you’ll have to be prepared for scornful glances from the other PTA moms.

  13. dakimel +24

    My mom stopped menstruating before I was 3, and didn’t do much of it in my formative early years (hi, siblings 14 & 34 months younger than me), so I tragically grew up without a healthy menstrual mentor (which seems like a phrase where the initial ‘men’ syllables needs replacing by a pro-XX-chromosome term.)

    I feel so deficient in this arena, is what I’m saying, and even though I have now followed my mother’s example and had my uterus ripped from my body, I am glad that I can now reproduce some of the crucial steps that were missing throughout my 25 blood-filled years.

    I’ve got Step 15 down, so that’s just 14 to go.

    1. RLT +51

      I think “Don’t get pregnant” is always an implied step 1, in all plans of action except one.

  16. Zelenka +12

    I LOVE the picture! The woman with her finger in the air, clearly saying, “Um, excuse me, but…” has just seen a Powerpoint of Item 5 and is concerned.

  18. RLT +15

    A script on this page may be busy, or it may have stopped responding. You can stop the script now, open the script in the debugger, or let the script continue.

    That’s what the computer likes to say to me when I spend too much time on The Toast, but I say we flip the script (!) and repeatedly say that phrase to anyone who asks how we’re doing on the first day of menstruation.

  20. cleo

    Hah, I knew I liked to sit on the beach and make piles of stones for a reason. I'm practicing for my nest of sun warmed rocks.