Thanks for coming in today. It’s hard to believe you’ve already been with us for thirty years! We remember HR introducing you around on your first day like it was just last week. Although you probably don’t remember anything from your first two or three years of life. That’s all right. Here’s your detailed review, which you should read over carefully on your own time. We considered the comments you made in your online self-assessment, as…
Last night I saw someone eating an apple that was just too big. It was the size of a softball. She could barely take bites out of it. Apples have no business being that big. Was this apple an enchanted grapefruit? I hated it so much. I'm hungry, but I'm also sitting down? My counter has crumbs on it and the sunlight coming through the window is highlighting the crumbs I have a cup of tea,…
I was killing time waiting for my daughter to meet me for dinner when I spotted the perfect leather jacket, adorning a headless mannequin in a fancy department store.
Mackenzie Mays' previous work for The Toast can be found here.
It was 1951, and she knew she was pregnant. Well, at least she thought she was.
David – she still remembers his name – slid closer to her and placed his clammy hand on her thigh. He lightly patted her skin that was, thankfully, protected by her stockings while she stared out the window, waiting for it to be
Yes, she was 94. Yes, time passes and mows down various generations with it. People die every day. I myself am subject to the laws of decay and death, I'm told. And yet: Age, thou art shamed. Rome, thou hast lost the breed of noble bloods. Deborah, Dowager Duchess of Devonshire, has died; she was the last of the Mitford sisters. They are all now gone from the earth.
There's something that's been bothering me for a while, but I've been reluctant to bring it up until now. At first I wasn't sure if it was a fluke -- weird things happen in Manhattan, you know? A penguin once told me he'd tested positive for Hep B over a Tom Collins at Pravda. I don't judge. But when I started seeing it in the outer boroughs -- when it came to my favorite corner…
The shoulders sprouting raven-black angel wings are looking a lot younger these days. The Millennial generation, which includes the youngest legal Fallen, is unsheathing more adamantine dire-wings than previous generations when they turned 21, and Heaven's defensive industry is taking note. “Millennials are storming the gates of Paradise and they want adventure and demand more transparency and authenticity from the celestial spheres,” says Uriel, CEO of Heaven's Gate, who estimates that one-third of the flesh-fiends…
"Age is nothing but a number that's also a perfectly accurate description of just how old you are." "We don't stop playing because we grow old. We grow old because we stop playing, and also because of the actual, irrefutable passage of time, regardless of how much we play." "You're only as young as you feel, and also you're as old as you actually are." "In one sense, she's an old soul. In another, truer…
Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself. She said it -- as she said it every day -- to an empty room, just a little after nine o'clock in the morning, and appeared satisfied with the answer. She spent a moment arranging herself. Shoes had become more difficult since the war -- which war she wasn't quite sure of at the moment, for some reason -- so she finally gave up on putting…
