Ayn Rand Rewrites

The modern world needs a dose of Ayn Rand on a regular basis, and I for one am going to see to it that we get one. (Ayn Rand loves fan fiction.)

  1. Previously: Ayn Rand, Cat Fancier. The Letters of Ayn Rand is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. It is a perpetual source of comfort and inspiration to me. Every morning, Ayn Rand must have thrust herself forth from her steel bed and asked herself "What is the most Ayn Rand thing that I can do today?" On May 22, 1949, the answer was to write a letter to her young niece, who…

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  2. Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are identical twins at Sweet Valley High. They're both popular, smart, and gorgeous, but that's where the similarity ends. Though they are twins, they are first and foremost individuals. Elizabeth is friendly, outgoing, and sincere—nothing like her twin, who knows better than to worry about pleasing others. Snobbish and conniving, Jessica thinks the whole world revolves around her. And most of the time it does, because she is a woman who…

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  3. A certain long-dead Objectivist beloved of the Toast's editors has taken to reviewing children's movies for the New Yorker (dot com): “101 Dalmatians” A wealthy woman attempts to do her impoverished school friend Anita a favor by purchasing some of her many dogs and putting them to sensible use. Her generosity is repulsed at every turn, and Anita foolishly and irresponsibly begins acquiring even more animals, none of which are used to make…

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  4. Say what you will about Ayn Rand, but that monster could describe a dress. "She lay in bed, propped up on pillows of pale green linen. Her bed jacket was pale green satin, worn with the untouched perfection of a window model; its lustrous folds looked as if the crinkle of tissue paper still lingered among them. The light, shaded to a tone of apple blossoms, fell on a table that held a book, a…

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  5. Previously: Ayn Rand's The Devil Wears Prada and Rupert Giles, MLS. BUFFY: My shoulders are naked and I am drenched in the blood of my enemies. You are my physical and mental equal. I wish to express my respect for you in the physical embodiment of my ideals: the act of love. Let us have sex now. ANGEL: Buffy, I can't. You know that if I were to experience even a moment of…

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  6. Previously in this series (yeah, we’re doing all seven): Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. “You're a prefect? Oh Ronnie! That's everyone in the family!" Ron looked nervously at Harry. Harry betrayed nothing. You can be a wizard, Ron remembered, and you can be a man; it is good to be both, if you can, but if you must choose, it is better to be a man and not a wizard than…

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  7. Previously: Ayn Rand's The Breakfast Club. INFERIOR MAN: Hey. ANDREA: Happy birthday. Nate, I'm so sorry. I kept trying to leave, but there was a lot going on. And, you know, I didn't have a choice. INFERIOR MAN: Don't worry about it. I'm gonna go to bed. ANDREA: You are a grown man with a demanding job of your own, yet you seek to punish me for missing several hours of a completely arbitrary…

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  8. Previously in this series (yeah, we’re doing all seven): Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Collectivism. "Cho Chang," Harry called from across the hallway, and quickly closed the distance between them, like some sort of sexually compelling locomotive. "The Yule Ball is tomorrow. I wish to acquire you for it. Say yes, now, with your mouth, before I cruelly crush it against my own, like some sort of sexual flower." "Oh. Harry,"…

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  9. Previously in this series (yeah, we're doing all seven): Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “What was there to be gained by fighting the most evil wizard who has ever existed?" said Black, with a terrible fury in his face. "Only innocent lives, Peter!" "You don't understand!" whined Pettigrew. "He would have killed me, Sirius!" "THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!" roared Black. "DIED RATHER THAN BETRAY YOUR FRIENDS, AS WE…

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  10. In 1995, an editor by the name of Michael Berliner released Letters of Ayn Rand to mixed reviews. In 2014, a cat blogger from suburban California rediscovered it. Here is what she found. Are Cats Objectivists? A letter to Cat Fancy magazine "I hope...I will have a chance to see the pictures of my cat"…

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  11. There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle on it, (`which certainly was not here before,' said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME'…

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  12. Previously: Ayn Rand's Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  "Steal Dad's Anglia to fly to Hogwarts?" Ron cried in astonishment. "Mum would never let us hear the end of it!" "The question isn't who is going to let me," Harry said, already climbing into the driver's seat and making an informed, personal decision about whether or not he chose to wear a seatbelt, "it's who is going to stop me.”

    ***

    "A…

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  13. "You're a wizard, Harry," Hagrid said. "And you're coming to Hogwarts." "What's Hogwarts?" Harry asked. "It's wizard school." "It's not a public school, is it?" "No, it's privately run." "Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave at once."

    ***

    "Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new…

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  14. Survival of all or none | Man has no automatic code of survival; he lives by volitional consciousness
    One raindrop raises the sea | Ecology as a social principle condemns cities, culture, industry, technology, the intellect, and advocates men’s return to “nature,” to the state of grunting subanimals digging the soil with their bare hands.
    Weapons are enemies even to their owners | A gun is not an argument.

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  15. Brian (VO) Saturday, March 24, 1984. Shermer High School, Shermer, Illinois. 60062. Dear Mr. Vernon…We (the six I's; the I and I and I and I and I and I that cannot be subsumed into your swirling, vacuous We) accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was that we did wrong, what we did was wrong, that the defiant act of the Ego threatened you, that…

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