Posts tagged “teenage dirtbags”

  1. Previously in this series: Dirtbag John Milton.  BIFF enters, skateboarding. BIFF: more like willy blowman BIFF exits, skateboarding. LINDA: oh Biff when are you going to make something out of your life BIFF: i went on a job interview today LINDA: that's wonderful how did it go? BIFF: stole a pen LINDA: oh Biff BIFF: s'a good pen [BIFF leans over and carefully draws a mustache over LINDA'S mouth] BIFF: see…

    28 comments
  2. Did I request thee, Maker, from my Clay To mould me Man, did I sollicite thee From darkness to promote me, or here place In this delicious Garden? - Adam, Paradise Lost, John Milton "I didn't ask to be born, you know." - Teens   Satan: where are we Beelzebub: I think we're in hell Satan: good good that's where i wanted to be anyhow so it's good that God threw us here because i…

    55 comments
  3. 1. Don't kill Hitler 2. Don't kill Mark 3. Kill Mark 4. Fuck you Derek 5. Derek doesn't exist 6. Don't go back in time and stop Derek's parents from meeting each other 7. Don't go back in time and have sex with Derek's mom so it turns out you're his actual dad 8. Nobody tell Derek who his real father is 9. Don't go back in time just to draw a dick on Mark's…

    45 comments
  4. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Macbeth. RODERIGO: Iago IAGO [lights cigarette over trash can fire]: thats what my mom calls me RODERIGO: you said you would help me marry Desdemona IAGO: you got it pal RODERIGO: but I heard not five minutes ago she married Othello IAGO: oh shit i knew i forgot to tell you something…

    35 comments
  5. This edition of the Dirtbag Series is brought to you by Jason. [SALLY KIMBALL rushes into ENCYCLOPEDIA'S office in the garage. ENCYCLOPEDIA is leaning back in a chair, feet on his father's squad car, eyes closed, smoking a cigarette] SALLY: Oh, Encyclopedia, I think I've solved the mystery of the missing umpire! The umpire was a fraud -- no real umpire ever dusts off the plates with his back to the c-- [ENCYCLOPEDIA…

    44 comments
  6. In a stunning, sublime act of teen dirtbaggery, after an argument with his parents (which we can only pray was about fine ham) this weekend, a San Jose teenager ran away from home by hopping the fence and stowing away in the wheel well of a plane bound for Hawaii. The FBI is calling it a "miracle" and the airline says a teen who hopped the fence at a San Jose airport is…

    48 comments
  7. 1. “When you get to Copenhagen, don’t give your grandfather a hard time,” my mother says at the airport. We’re to board the QE2 in Copenhagen and sail with my grandparents for two weeks. I’m 17. My grandmother, who has owned her own travel agency since the 1960s, specializes in group travel. She’s got groups of 15-50 wherever she goes and if she’s sells enough rooms on the QE2, they throw her an extra one…

    11 comments
  8. Previously: Dirtbag Anne of Green Gables.  MEG: Jo what are you doing in Father's office all the time? [JO kicks her steel-toed boots onto the desk] JO: writin smut wanna read it MEG: ...yes   MEG: all right we're off to the play with Laurie JO: don't wait up AMY: can I come too? JO: don't be ridiculous AMY [whispering]: I'm going to burn what you love and marry your boyfriend JO: what AMY:…

    162 comments
  9. MATTHEW: Well now, I don't mean to seem uncharitable-like, but you see as how Marilla and me was expecting a boy. ANNE: yeah well i expected to have an alabaster brow and raven tresses down to my tits by the time i turned fifteen but we don't always get what we want, do we old man   [MARILLA's neighbor RACHEL LYNDE comes to call] RACHEL: Well, Marilla I can't say I think she looks like…

    71 comments
  10. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Most recently: Dirtbag Romeo & Juliet. THREE WITCHES appear on the heath.  WITCH #1: have you ever killed a pig MACBETH: what WITCH #2: do you want to be king MACBETH: king of what WITCH #3: king of jerking off jesus "king of what"   MACBETH: do you think I would make a good king LADY…

    46 comments
  11. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.

    (TYBALT is using BENVOLIO’S own hands to smack him in the face)
    TYBALT: stop hitting yourself
    stop hitting yourself
    (BENVOLIO manages to retract all but his middle fingers)
    TYBALT: hey
    fuck you man
    that’s not cool

    67 comments
  12. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.  MILO: fuck everything everything fucking sucks "FOR MILO, WHO HAS PLENTY OF TIME" MILO: the fuck is this "ONE GENUINE TURNPIKE TOLLBOOTH" "EASILY ASSEMBLED AT HOME, AND FOR USE BY THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER TRAVELED IN LANDS BEYOND" MILO: more like a fuckin toolbooth TOCK: I am a guard against wasted time! We must leave the Doldrums at once! MILO: oh im a guard too you must go fuck yourself…

    42 comments
  13. "APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
    Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
    Memory and desire, stirring
    Dull roots with spring rain."
    - T.S. Eliot, The Wasteland

    "I don't need to fight
    To prove I'm right
    I don't need to be forgiven

    Don't cry
    Don't raise your eye
    It's only teenage wasteland."
    - The Who, "Baba O'Riley (Teenage Wasteland)"

    "can we have class outside"
    - teenagers

    53 comments
  14. DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory.

    A GHOST appears.
    GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
    HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

    68 comments