How Lesbian Sex Works, in Haiku -The Toast

How Lesbian Sex Works, in Haiku

ByAnna Pulley

on June 18, 2014 in LGBT

Illustrator credit: Kelsey Beyer

Picture foreplay that
lasts longer than a few minutes.
Now, add crying.

Depending on Who You Ask, Scissoring Is
“Real, damn it!”
“Only happens in porn.”
“Something I once saw on South Park.”

I can’t give away
the secrets but will say it
involves dreamcatchers.

It’s like girl-girl porn,
but we don’t compliment
each other’s landing strips.

It’s like straight sex but
afterwards we ask each other
“We had sex, right?”

We don’t have sex, silly!
We just pet each other
‘til a man shows up.

It’s exactly like
straight sex, except our penises
glow in the dark.

A brief note about haiku. In the West, we associate haiku with poetry that is three lines, following a 5-7-5 syllable format. But Japanese haiku isn’t based on syllables. It’s based on onji, which are units of sound that don’t correlate with Western languages.

The Haiku Society of America (which is a thing that exists!) gives a pretty loose definition here:

The definition of haiku has been made more difficult by the fact that many uninformed persons have considered it to be a “form” like a sonnet or triolet (17 syllables divided 5, 7, and 5). That it is not simply a “form” is amply demonstrated by the fact that the Japanese differentiate haiku from senryu──a type of verse (or poem) that has exactly the same “form” as haiku but differs in content from it. Actually, there is no rigid “form” for Japanese haiku. Seventeen Japanese onji (sound-symbols) is the norm, but some 5% of “classical” haiku depart from it, and so do a still greater percentage of “modern” Japanese haiku. To the Japanese and to American haiku poets, it is the content and not the form alone that makes a haiku.

Anna is a freelance writer living in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her here.

Comments (30)

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+10 Vote up Vote down

erindubitably 121p · 563 weeks ago

Hah. A straight male friend of mine once described lesbian sex as 'foreplay that then stops'.

3 replies · active 563 weeks ago

+85 Vote up Vote down

vmartinipie 113p · 563 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

keythah 108p · 563 weeks ago

I once had a girl ask me what lesbian sex was like and I told her. She was surprised by the lack of strap-ons (I wasn't interested in them at the time) and said "oh, so it's just foreplay, no penetration?"

I brought my rather large hands up next to my face and said, with a straight face, as I gestured in ways to emphasize their size, "Yes, *just* foreplay. *Just* mouths and hands."

+17 Vote up Vote down

erindubitably 121p · 563 weeks ago

Yeah, I think my partner's response was "Dude, if you're going any further than foreplay you're not doing it right."

+7 Vote up Vote down

Frumiosa 141p · 563 weeks ago

I love this so much.

+107 Vote up Vote down

MalloryOrtberg 121p · 563 weeks ago

TURN AMANDA PALMER DOWN GIRL

+157 Vote up Vote down

CompleatEmDee 127p · 563 weeks ago

My man and I once gave away a TV on Craigslist for free, to the person submitting the best haiku. The winner was:

Clutching the remote
As tightly as a lover
Rapture in a box

Was not surprised when two lesbians came to pick the TV up.

1 reply · active 563 weeks ago

+20 Vote up Vote down

Heath · 563 weeks ago

I hate to be the one to push the likes past 69.

+55 Vote up Vote down

vmartinipie 113p · 563 weeks ago

I can't stop laughing at the expressions on the cats. Perfect.

2 replies · active 563 weeks ago

+50 Vote up Vote down

safvn 121p · 563 weeks ago

The one on the left is baffled and the one on the right is like
I GOT MINE

+24 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 563 weeks ago

The wet spot on the bed.

+1 Vote up Vote down

literaltrousersnake · 563 weeks ago

I am absolutely and silently dying of laughter at the first one.

+54 Vote up Vote down

miprisci 132p · 563 weeks ago

It can only happen in a Subaru, is my understanding.

3 replies · active 563 weeks ago

+30 Vote up Vote down

PonyAlong 102p · 563 weeks ago

My goodness, I just bought a Subaru 2 months ago; have I been lesbian catnip all this time? *fans herself furiously! face flushing!

+32 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 563 weeks ago

Yep. Look out. Just knowing this has made my lesbian antennae go up and my lesbian brain start thinking of pick-up lines based on your user name.

+4 Vote up Vote down

mrtafadhali 113p · 563 weeks ago

I've been meaning to trade my Subaru in for seven months but haven't been able to decide what other Subaru to get or to make myself test drive something that is not a Subaru. I am such a cliche.

+12 Vote up Vote down

jennjennboben 106p · 563 weeks ago

Hilarious and with an educational aspect at the end. Perfect! I did not know that about haikus.

+10 Vote up Vote down

alexiscoe 69p · 563 weeks ago

Anna Pulley is tops!

3 replies · active 563 weeks ago

+25 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 563 weeks ago

Or bottoms, whichever she prefers. I'm sure she's up for either, she seems open-minded that way.

+8 Vote up Vote down

alexiscoe 69p · 563 weeks ago

Well played. And I'm lucky enough to know AP--she's definitely game!

+12 Vote up Vote down

hugpunch 130p · 563 weeks ago

God, you ARE lucky.

+23 Vote up Vote down

germanrocketcat 110p · 563 weeks ago

More illustrations by Kelsey Beyer! More cats!! (someone pointed out the wet spot and now I'm dying)

+31 Vote up Vote down

blunderbusst 102p · 563 weeks ago

GLOW IN THE DARK! I wish I was better at being gay.

+18 Vote up Vote down

brookshelley 118p · 563 weeks ago

hanging with a really good friend a while ago, when she was leaving, i was like "welp, i guess we've had sex now" and gestured to the pile of kleenex from the all the processing we'd done. there was much laughter.

+14 Vote up Vote down

phonaesthetica 1p · 563 weeks ago

Too good to waste on

Straight women and neophytes

I got things to do

+3 Vote up Vote down

aquamarinaveen 115p · 563 weeks ago

in english the term is "mora"; the wikipedia page is interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mora_(linguistics)#J...

+7 Vote up Vote down

teerexington · 563 weeks ago

"it involves dream catchers"

Don't give them all our secrets!

+5 Vote up Vote down

agreenballoon 86p · 563 weeks ago

This is perfect. The picture, the haikus, and the exposition at the end regarding haikus. Anna Pulley yaaay.

+2 Vote up Vote down

thisclimbingbean 94p · 563 weeks ago

The haikus are awesome, and the picture just makes this whole thing utterly fantastic.

+1 Vote up Vote down

laylapalooza 93p · 563 weeks ago

Bahahaha. I'm saving the first one in my mind for the next time I hear that.

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