My husband came across this thing while shopping for the kids’ Easter candy earlier this week. I’ve heard many a random prayer in my day (…and God, please help us all remember our lines and bring joy to all the people out there waiting to see our closing night performance of Kiss Me, Kate), but this one was new to me: “Thank you, Lord, for these jelly beans. They mean more than words can say.”
I mean, apparently someone did find the words to say, as they came up with this Jelly Bean Prayer and then slapped it on the back of a cross-shaped tin of jelly beans. Did you know that the white jelly beans represent the cleansing of your sin, while the black jelly beans represent YOUR EVILDOING HEART? Do you find that as troubling as I do? Things you can learn at your local Giant the week before Easter, kids. Salvation is free, but these scary jelly beans will cost your parents ten bucks.
Jelly beans are gross, anyway. Basket filler! Give me chocolate eggs and cheerfully pastel-colored M&Ms every time.
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Now. What happened this week at The Toast? A great many delightful things:
Mallory gave us “A Highway Is A Way To Travel From City To City, Not A Way To Understand Myself” and other Songs from a Tom Waits Album Where No One Gets Drunk at a Diner.
The monks also returned to puzzle over animal behavior.
Lara Brenner told us how to survive the night bus.
Ashley Ford wrote another lovely Disrupting Domesticity column for The Butter.
Lindsey Gates-Markel reflected on old-school LiveJournal and what it means to write it all down.
Kendra James concocted this wonderful Idris Elba fantasy and the world is a better place for it.
Art historian Anna Ratner Hetherington explained why she teaches visual literacy.
Cate Burlington shared actual things said to her by her male tech colleagues.
Anna Cabe told us about her history as a teen trivia jock.
Mallory just has feelings about crows, okay?
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Just a friendly and perhaps relevant reminder that I recently took over payments for The Toast. If we owe you for past work, please email me and we’ll get you taken care of immediately. Have a wonderful weekend, dear Toasties!
Tags: meta, toast points
I’m going to memorize the jelly bean prayer and recite it to my wife in a scary monotone tonight once the lights are out.
Everyone knows black jelly beans are the worst of all jelly beans
If I hate black jelly beans and never eat them, does that mean I don’t have a sinful heart? Or that my sinful heart isn’t keeping me from God above?
The only acceptable jelly beans are the gourmet ones like Jelly Bellies. All others are garbage.
Earwax!
Sweet Tart Willy Wonka jellybeans. I picked some up by accident about 2 weeks ago and I keep buying more. They were sold out at Vons for 2 days and not even available at the CVS next door so I got a multi-bag order from Amazon. I don’t know what I’ll do when Easter is over. I hope they’ll still be on Amazon. Maybe I should just order a case….
Actually black jelly beans are the only good jelly beans, so apparently I love sin even more than I thought I did.
I am legitimately confused about what kids are supposed to do with the black jellybeans.
They represent one’s sinful heart, but they’re still delicious, right? And you are still supposed to eat them? Maybe I would get this better if I’d grown up Christian, but this seems like a super counter-intuitive mixed message.
Maybe do you burn them all? Or eat them, but like, sadly and with guilt?
I GREW UP WITH THOSE JELLYBEANS. Gotta love Presbyterians. Or at least the ones in north Dallas.
(Happy Good Friday and happy early Easter to those who celebrate it!)
Right back at ‘cha!
I was just laughing thinking “yeah, evil candy, I guess that is kind of disturbing but do you know what I’m doing tonight in my Baptist church choir?” We are singing 7 of the saddest songs interspersed with short speeches from different biblical characters where they explain how they are to blame for Jesus’ death and then at the end everyone – including the choir – gets a nail and drops it in a metal bucket on the way out. To signify how we all are responsible for Jesus’ death. It is just…a lot. Evil candy sounds fun to me.
Ugh, as a kid I had to attend a service where they played the sound of nails being hammered SUPER SLOWLY and SUPER LOUDLY. It was terrifying.
well this sounds 100% horrifying
Funny you should mention this, because those jellybeans reminded me of when the preschool at my local neighbourhood church here in Austin gave the kids Resurrection Eggs at Easter. For those of you who live in less hysterical parts of the world, Resurrection Eggs are plastic Easter eggs, except instead of candy inside there are little symbols of the things used to torture Christ, like tiny whips, thorns, nails, etc. I am NOT making this up! The South is full of well-intentioned horror.
If black is sin, then what the hell is buttered popcorn??
It sure as hell isn’t buttered popcorn (see also: scratch ‘n’ sniff “buttered popcorn” stickers)
Weird and strangely compelling. but not as nice as juicy pear.
<3 u juicy pearie!
Speaking of Tom Waits, have some Chocolate Jesus! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m5kHx1itU8c
(apparently his father in law makes Testamints, and thus)
(in case you didn’t know, it was his wife Kathleen Brennan who encouraged him to, you know. keep getting weird and weirder)
I was already horrified enough by the ritualistic feasting on Jesus blood WITHOUT it being cherry-flavored and congealed into jelly bean form.
New question: why hasn’t the Pope replaced communion wine with cherry-flavored jelly beans.
New new question: why aren’t there alcoholic jelly beans.
There ARE booze-flavors jelly beans, made by Jelly Belly!
My brother once FedEx’d me a chocolate cross at Easter with a note that said MAY THIS SWEET CHOCOLATE EVER REMIND YOU OF CHRIST’S SUFFERING.
A+. Your brother sounds fantastic.
I’m not sure why I like the night bus piece most of all, but I reread it several times this week and I really enjoy it.
maybe because it’s HILARIOUS (I love it, too)
OH GOSH I was given jelly beans and a similar (if not identical) jelly bean prayer in the days leading up to Easter during my time at Catholic school. They didn’t spring for fancy $10 tins, of course, we were just given lowly plastic baggies with a handful of jelly beans in each and a photocopied prayer. And now I am remembering all the other ridiculous things we did during Lent at Catholic school, oh dear, THE MEMORIES
I went to Catholic school kindergarten through sixth grade and have no memory of any Lenten activities save Mass, Operation Rice Bowl, and making hot cross buns with the very Irish associate pastor in the school kitchen.
<3 u juicy pearie!
A+. Your brother sounds fantastic.
Jelly beans are gross, anyway. Basket filler! Give me chocolate eggs and cheerfully pastel-colored M&Ms every time.
You speak THE TRUTH. Chocolate or GTFO.
Jelly beans are gross, anyway. Basket filler! Give me chocolate eggs and cheerfully pastel-colored M&Ms every time.
You speak THE TRUTH. Chocolate or GTFO.
Look, yellow is heaven above. That's where God & Jesus & like, a bunch of nice people are. Sure, that still leaves black & red pretty suspect, but accept the bones thrown, amIrite?
Shouldn’t the creepy jelly beans be for Good Friday, as not to distract from the promise of the Resurrection on Easter? ;p
I don’t understand why the pink and orange jelly beans are pictured, but are not included in the prayer.