Every Comment Made By a Queer Woman on the Internet, in Haiku -The Toast

Every Comment Made By a Queer Woman on the Internet, in Haiku

ByAnna Pulley

on April 19, 2016 in LGBT

FOR THE LOVE OF THE

GODDESS, SOMEONE PLZ THINK OF

GENDER ESSENTIALISTS.

I can’t even see

straight! Plus, I’m far-sighted. These

glasses are Warbys.

My ex-girlfriend is

crazy! This totally relates

somehow to Gaza.

You know that comment

is recyclable, right? Bin

it to win it, girls!

Don’t label me! I’m

a non-het-identified

poly pagan witch.

What community?

This is not community!

This is a salad!

I had a salad

once. It reminded me of

Guantanamo Bay.

What would Tilda

Swinton do? Ride a pegasus

into the sunset?

Your use of the word

“straightish” is DEFAMATORY

to bisexuals.

We are all a

little bisexual. Bisexuals

don’t exist.

I find this whole thing

oppressive. Try commenting

in Darfur, bitches!

What are “lesbians”

anyway? Social constructs

in slouchy blazers.

You are a bigot.

No YOU are a bigot. YOU

ARE THE BIGOTEST.

As a pear lover,

you CAN’T love grapes. Somehow this

relates to gender.

I like pears and grapes.

And mandarins. I could do

without oranges, though.

YOU WILL NOT TELL ME

WHAT I CAN PUT IN A FRUIT

SALAD. OPPRESSION!

Guys, can’t we all just

enjoy fruit salad? You did

not just call me ‘GUY’!

I don’t care what fruit

you eat as long as it is

organic, ok?

We are all fruit

salad. Except tomatoes.

Fuck that.

Um, that is not a

haiku. A haiku follows

5-7-5 form.

YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT

A HAIKU IS. I REJECT YOUR

RIGID PHALLOCENTRIC STRUCTURES. OOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE? SEE IT! I

JUST MADE THIS HAIKU INTO A

PENIS. BECAUSE JUDITH BUTLER.

I am a man who’s

pretending to be a lez.

Look at my penis!

No really, what would

Tilda Swinton do? I am

super curious.

It’s been many years

but I’m not done griping

about The L Word.

No one has mentioned

Ruby Rose for five seconds.

Ruby Rose, you guys!

The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) is out today! A hearty thanks to The Toast for making this book possible, and for all your great comments, LOLz, and encouragement. You are the everything to my bagel.

Anna is a freelance writer living in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her here.

Comments (86)

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+58 Vote up Vote down

awnutts 127p · 467 weeks ago

It’s been many years

but I’m not done griping

about The L Word.

So damn true. I legit was starting my bathwater last night and had an out-of-nowhere thought about Bette and Tina's relationship for....reasons? Maybe?

8 replies · active 466 weeks ago

+136 Vote up Vote down

RudyRed 124p · 467 weeks ago

We are all a

little bisexual. Bisexuals

don’t exist.

*laughter slowly dissolves into weeping*

4 replies · active 467 weeks ago

+67 Vote up Vote down

SalmnChaseUtley 100p · 467 weeks ago

What are “lesbians”

anyway? Social constructs

in slouchy blazers.

I should wear more blazers.

2 replies · active 467 weeks ago

+41 Vote up Vote down

ParadoxBox · 467 weeks ago

BECAUSE JUDITH BUTLER will now be my go-to excuse for everything

2 replies · active 467 weeks ago

+34 Vote up Vote down

PierrePoutine 126p · 467 weeks ago

Tim, for you my heart
and other nonsense plotlines
Love, Jenny Schecter.

+72 Vote up Vote down

TheasyPeasy 129p · 467 weeks ago

I'm not a queer woman but I definitely wonder what would Tilda Swinton do for most occasions.

Except when it comes to Roman Polanski. I know what she would do and I would do the opposite.

+41 Vote up Vote down

JGlows 120p · 467 weeks ago

Were you part of the feminist community on LiveJournal between 2002 and 2006? Because this is giving me flashbacks.

4 replies · active 466 weeks ago

+51 Vote up Vote down

fullyfunctional 104p · 467 weeks ago

I will now respond to everything and everyone by saying they are DEFAMATORY to bisexuals.

4 replies · active 467 weeks ago

+23 Vote up Vote down

saraallain 120p · 467 weeks ago

SALAD. OPPRESSION!

1 reply · active 467 weeks ago

+115 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 467 weeks ago

If there are two things I hate about queer academia they're Judith Butler and the way people say "social construct" like it means said social construct is bullshit. You know what else is social constructs? Language! Fashion! Morality! Countries! But you're not denying the existence of tho

8 replies · active 467 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

itcamefromjapan 76p · 467 weeks ago

"I am a man who’s

pretending to be a lez.

Look at my penis!"

I...can you elaborate on this?

32 replies · active 466 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

cleoreads 105p · 467 weeks ago

I REJECT YOUR RIGID PHALLOCENTRIC STRUCTURES!!

+28 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 467 weeks ago

I will probably now end up saying "YOU ARE THE BIGOTEST" to someone soon.

+61 Vote up Vote down

dorianneemmerton 111p · 467 weeks ago

What is in this dip?
vegan, gluten/dairy-free?
I'll have a beer though.

1 reply · active 467 weeks ago

+71 Vote up Vote down

grumblyqueer 139p · 467 weeks ago

...But you're not denying the existence of those, just the one concept that's already under attack on all fronts, and the one that just happens to reward academic trans erasure with accolades for the people doing the erasing.
I have a lot more thoughts about Who Gets To Be Androgynous (skinny white people who can afford fancy menswear and live in places they won't get beat for wearing it) and What It Means That White Butches Are The Vanguard Of Queer Studies (Privilege 2.0, now with more claims that trans women are inherently patriarchal by acting out societal standards of femininity!!!), but those need a shitload of editing or I'll accidentally alienate my entire community.

3 replies · active 466 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

OiSunshine 105p · 467 weeks ago

It’s been many years
but I’m not done griping
about The L Word.

I can't even relate, but this one tickled me. Even at a shallow reading, it's fandom all over.

1 reply · active 432 weeks ago

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