Mallory: thank you
I appreciate it
HEY Jaya
SHALL WE TELL THEM? Jaya: It seems like a good idea!
That I live here now, with you, on The Toast. Mallory: It's true!
You're joining us as a Staff Writer and I'm SO FLIPPING EXCITED ABOUT IT Jaya: I am honored that you are excited about it because I too am excited. Mallory: we're all excited
Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend If Prince were your boyfriend he’d let you have your friends over for pancake breakfast, just because he knew they saw that Chappelle’s Show sketch and would get a kick out of it. You’d know that his real specialty is egg sandwiches on buttery bagels, and he saves them for you. If Prince were your boyfriend he’d encourage you to buy as many jumpsuits…
Jaya Saxena's previous work for The Toast can be found here.
Whenever I’ve told this story it’s always supposed to be funny. It goes like this:
We had been flirting for a few weeks, because I was 19 and green mohawks still did it for me. I ran into him at a party, where we continued flirting, and I drank Everclear mixed with Sprite like it was any sort of good
A baby pug that can’t wake up even after three cups of coffee because it’s raining outside. A bunny eating a too-large carrot that can’t figure out why “available balance” and “current balance” are different on her online bank statement. An orphaned otter who spends her mornings cleaning out her Roomba. A Vine of a little girl in a car seat crying because taxes for freelancers are really fucking confusing. Mariah Carey in the “Heartbreaker”…
