In retrospect, driving from Oakland to Texas without checking the weather report or taking time zones into account was foolhardy. This is why I am never on time to anything; every trip I plan always seems perfectly reasonable to me until someone else reacts to it. By then it's too late to change anything. "You can't drive from California to Austin," my dad said, after laughing so hard he started wheezing when I mentioned I…
Jane Air "Thanks for flying Jane Air. Are you escaping for business or for pleasure? Will you be stowing any wives today?" King LearJet "Welcome to LearJet. Are you traveling alone, or like two birds i'the cage?" The Quiet American Airlines "One has to take sides, if one is to remain human. Your side is just past the attendant's station, on the right-hand side of the plane."…
Why is it so much easier to blow out a candle if I put my hand a few inches behind the flame? Why do I find giant squid so disappointing? I know they're giant, yes, and I'm sure I'd be awfully frightened if one ever swam past me in the morning bath, but why aren't they as big as the ones 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea led me to believe they might be? I know we haven't…
There is a disturbing and pernicious mass delusion floating about that the Chipotle restaurant chain is a good place to get food -- that customers should go out of their way to get more of Chipotle's food from Chipotle -- that maximizing the amount of Chipotle-borne roughage inside of a foil packet is a desirable way to behave. I cannot possibly let this stand. I will not get into issues of authenticity and who does or does not…
Disclaimer: This post is sponsored by diet soda. Which one? Yes. Are you drinking enough diet soda? A new study reveals the disturbing truth: No. you are not. Here, have a diet soda. Put some in your mouth, then swallow it when you're done tasting it. Tastes good, right? Tastes like bubbles. It's normal and good. Studies show, diet soda? It's real good for you. We gave some diet soda to a bunch of mice. Bunch of…
Kitchen witches "A "kitchen witch" may also refer to a human figurine placed in kitchens for good luck. These dolls are made from materials such as fabric, corn husks, and dried fruits and may be in the form of a witch riding a broom. Such dolls traditionally protect residents and visitors to the home and also guard against cooking failures in the kitchen." "Good Walker" Witches "The Benandanti claimed to travel out of their bodies…
Utah: a land of contrasts. Utah is the greatest place in the world. They have everything: Taco Time and baby mini-horses and pumpkin patches, and also other things as well, most likely. In my time there I learned wonderful things. 1. A great many fervent young Mormons post videos of themselves receiving their mission calls to YouTube, and it's kind of like that part in season seven of Buffy when Willow activates all the potential Slayers at…
Let's all take a few minutes out of what is sure to be a busy day to appreciate that we were born into the historical era with unprecedented levels of Patina Miller access. First: from 2008, her performance of "The Temp and the Receptionist" with Anderson Davis. Anderson Davis personifies "terrified determination" in a fashion so profoundly likable that he almost succeeds in distracting me from Patina Miller. Excellent work, Anderson Davis. There is so…
Andrew Wylie, the literary agent with murder in his eyes, can say things that other men cannot, and we will love him for it. He's a tramp But they love him Breaks a new heart Ev'ry day What can be said about the Wylie Coyote? By rights we ought to hate him. By appearances alone we ought to surround him with a group of smiling, red-mouthed women and invite him to Particicution. Such needless…
To Whom It May Concern: I have some advice for you. 1. Sell walkers with the cut-up tennis balls already stuck onto the bottom of the back two legs (I assume this is for additional friction and stability; the fact that almost every walker I see has tennis balls on it leads be to believe that walkers are dangerously unstable when sold as manufactured). Why should somebody who’s using a walker have to go buy…
As you may have realized by this point, one of my favorite pastimes is creating imaginary relationships between people who may or may not actually exist inside of my head. This is my right and privilege as an American, and it fills me with great joy from morning til night. Another hobby of mine is maintaining a vague but enthusiastic knowledge of European medieval legends. The Middle Ages were a wonderful…
"He couldn't tell me anything I didn't know about the old boy's eccentricity. This Lord Worplesdon was Florence's father. He was the old buster who, a few years later, came down to breakfast one morning, lifted the first cover he saw, said 'Eggs! Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs!' in an overwrought sort of voice, and instantly legged it for France, never to return to the bosom of his family. This, mind you, being a bit of luck for the bosom of…
