TIP #1: It’s impossible to eat too many eggs. Ignore the smell.
TIP #2: “Maybe” means Yes. “I don’t deserve you” means Yes. “How did you get in my house” means “Describe how many sons and dogs we’ll have, then Yes.” “No” means “Imprison my father in a bedlam hospital, then we’ll talk.” Gaston doesn’t understand consent when it comes to weddings and he sure as hell doesn’t understand consent when it comes to voluntary psychiatric commitment.
TIP #3: If three gorgeous blondes are all in love with you, it’s best to ignore them. Keep everyone guessing.
TIP #4: Women only understand one thing: KICKING IN THEIR FRONT DOORS and force-proposing to them.
TIP #5: If she already has a boyfriend, murder him on a turret.
TIP #6: Women do not actually exist. Or maybe they do, but in the way quicksand or thunderstorms exist: only some of the time, and you can’t always see them coming.
TIP #7: Impress her with how many antlers you have in your living room. This will remind her of all the things you have killed.
TIP #8: A little man follows me wherever I go. I cannot shake him. He wears the chain he forged in life! He made it link by link and yard by yard! He gartered it on of his own free will and by his own free will, he wears it! When I die, it will be at his hand, I know it.
TIP #9: Own one shirt. Make it red. Never take it off. It will protect you from witches, and from your own heart.
TIP #10: Sidewalks are for chumps. Jump from roof to roof. Pretend the ground is lava. Pretend that human interaction is lava. Pretend that you’re lava, and that nothing can hurt you.
TIP #11: Never let anything hurt you. Get big. Get bigger than that. Become the size of a barge. What can hurt a barge? Nothing, except for the sea.
If she says “No,” do you still exist?
Have you ever existed?
TIP #12: If you schedule your wedding before you acquire a bride, and something goes wrong with the bride getting there — if she can’t make it or something — you can’t get your deposit back on anything. Not the band, not the minister, not the cake. And if you leave your boots in her house, she won’t let you back in, even just to get them, even if they were your only boots.
You don’t need boots. You don’t need her. You don’t need anything.
TIP #13: The best necktie in the world is a piece of string tied into a bow.
TIP #14: The little man is your shadow. The little man is your ghost. The little man is your brother who died before you were born. The little man is the son you will never have. The little man is yourself when you were small and no one protected you.
TIP #15: If you must marry, find a wife who can read. Ask her to teach you how to write your own name so you can stop signing things with an X. Then hunt her for sport in the woods.
TIP #16: I live in a bar. Did you know that? That bar is my home. “I use antlers in all of my decorating”? That’s my home. I have — I have nowhere else to go.
TIP #17: If you sleep, don’t dream. If you dream, don’t remember. I would give anything not to dream, not to remember. Anything to forget.
TIP #18: The little man is a jabbering hobgoblin. He has been sent by the devil to torment me and prepare me for Hell. I know this. I know this. And yet I cannot repent. I cannot turn from my path. Am I not already damned?
TIP #19: I don’t know what a book is.
TIP #20: SPIRITS! TORMENT ME NO LONGER!
TIP #21: My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison.
TIP #22: Girls are better in Eastern Europe anyway.
Tags: advice, ayn rand’s wet dream, beauty and the beast, body horror, consent, disney movies, gaston, guide to seduction, no one says no to gaston, pickup artists, roughly the size of a barge, thinly veiled robert goulet caricatures
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Still don’t feel bad for Gaston.
How old were you before you realized “Le Fou” means “The Crazy One”?
Ummm right now?
when I started taking French in 6th grade!
THE LAST ONE holy shit
He is a human Pepe Le Peu
“Le Fou, I’m afraid I’ve been mortgaging my very humanity, in the pursuit of desires I cannot even fully articulate.”
“A dangerous pastime–”
“I know.”
*stands and applauds*
“TIP #15: If you must marry, find a wife who can read. Ask her to teach you how to write your own name so you can stop signing things with an X. Then hunt her for sport in the woods.”
but are you sure this is Gaston and not Paul’s first epistle to the Corinthians though
I’m just going to be one of your three blondes for this comment. Except I’m brunette.
Ba-dum-ching!
Still LESS creepy than any PUA on VH1’s ‘The Pickup Artist’.
Except Brian, he was hilarious. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NXC5EVEpqsk
omg the Dickens references. Also I never appreciated how deep Le Fou’s character was, but the potential was never exploited!
“Gaston doesn’t understand consent when it comes to weddings and he sure as hell doesn’t understand consent when it comes to voluntary psychiatric commitment.”
Just phenomenal.
I may be failing to fully understand how the tags work, but…no “crazy old Maurice”?
Gaston it’s not you it’s me I’m just into furries right now.
“But every last inch of me’s covered in hair!”
ugh he DOES say that! as a plus!
IT’S NOT ENOUGH HAIR.
Okay fine it’s you.
Become the size of a barge. What can hurt a barge? Nothing, except for the sea.
If your beloved takes to the sea, turning your mortal foe into her greatest ally, fill your bar-home with yet more antlers. You can hear them whisper to you sometimes, a susurration that puts you on edge even as it is your only comfort, the only thing that can overcome the roaring of the ocean that is surely- SURELY- in your own head. If your bar-home is full enough with antlers would it not be likely that one day your enormous form could be oh-so-accidentally punctured by them, freeing you from this vale of tears? In the meantime scramble some more eggs, gotta keep that mass up.
I had never put together the evidence regarding ‘decorating’ + the location of the decorating = Gaston lives in the bar!!! this is exciting. can you just bully bar owners into letting you live in their bar? man, I need to get big and wear a red shirt.
To the extent that I thought about it, I assumed Gaston actually made his living as an interior decorator.
antlers are very in right now, it’s true
Here in small-town Texas, they’ve never been out.
So true. I swear every one of my neighbors has at least three antlered-things on their walls. It’s kinda creepy. It is a rite of passage for many boys (and some girls) to get their first deer, and then they get the stuffed and mounted head, or the rack if it’s good, as a birthday or Christmas present – whichever comes first.
It’s also entirely possible that Gaston simply allowed someone to open a bar in his living room, which seems pretty in-character tbh
I think it’s more of a bar in an inn?
so you’re saying that Gaston is basically Eloise? hmm, interesting.
I am Gaston. I am 27.
I am a village child. I live at the Auberge des Oeufs et Bois.
“I’m especially good at EXPECTORATING!” Best line in any Disney song, imo.
PTUI!
Ten points for Gaston!
This is definitely the place for me to introduce people to FEMINIST GASTON!
“I’m especially good at commuuuuuunicaaating”
– “Thank you!”
– “You’re welcome, Gaston!”
That is just — just — simultaneously so amazingly perfect and so very wrong at the EXACT SAME TIME. Love. Just love.
I am particularly amused at how few clips they had to work with to show him acting like a reasonable human being. 🙂
::round of applause::
Nooooo . . . oooooonnnne . . . COOKS like Gaston, reads bell HOOKS like Gaston . . .
That is so wonderful. I kept snorting as I watched it. Can’t wait until I leave work to watch it with sound on. Stupid libraries wanting to be all quiet.
Also, so glad they captured Gaston’s “decorating!” toe-point. Best.
Oh WOW
I do all that I can to smash PAAATRIAAARCHY!!!
I’m still so into this video its perfection.
DAY MADE. I’m laughing and tearing up just thinking back to it.
nooooooooooooooooooooooooo don’t make me feel bad for Gaston and by extension for the entirety of humanity, all of us seething with our own secret yearnings and failings and terrors by sheer dint of our shared humanity and therefore deserving of empathy no matter how our external expressions of those terrors reduces us to mere human monsters noooooooooooooooooooooo
Perfect opening to mention that my husband and I used the extended proposal song (Me) from the musical as our “First Dance” at the wedding because if you can’t jettison every “but aren’t you going to _____ everyone looks forward to it!” tradition in wedding planning you might as well screw with it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suIJaAuYhqI
delightful!
I AM 100% GASTON ON THE INSIDE
TIP #10: Sidewalks are for chumps. Jump from roof to roof. Pretend the ground is lava.
Did anyone else think of the Tick? The Tick is always playing this game.
Gaston – the single best villain song ever written.
I think you’ll find that is ‘Be Prepared’ sung by Scar in The Lion King
Side note: Gaston sings ‘every last inch of me’s covered with hair!” and then he winks. HE WINKS. WHAT IS HE IMPLYING?
Oh God.
Woah. Actually that kinda blows my mind. Spoilers for Cocteau’s Beauty and the Beast anyone? Not going to say anything, just going to leave these links to pictures of Jean Marais right here…. http://tinyurl.com/lgd8x53 (Wikipedia)
((different movie but spoilers!)) https://twitter.com/delphinium_girl/status/464015…
If Disney had gone that route it would have been…interesting. And if you don’t know what I’m talking about please go see the 1946 version of Beauty and the Beast right now. Screw work (and school). This is important.
Wow, it's like 80 years of progressive Soviet socialism never happened!
(Or that, yeah, Soviet socialism wasn't really all that progressive to begin with.)
But wow, there is some serious fascist trigger language in that quote right there. 1937 is calling.
I am Gaston. I am 27.
I am a village child. I live at the Auberge des Oeufs et Bois.
lol i died
Beauty and the Beast is an Aristotlean tragedy about the antihero Gaston’s fall brought about by his own hubris. True story.