Recently I purchased a twelve-dollar gray wig online and had it shipped to myself at Nicole's house, where I've been staying for the last three and a half weeks, because I was suddenly and inexplicably seized with the thought, "I should have a gray wig and film the ongoing adventures of best friends Joan Didion and Anna Wintour."

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN: "If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would get you the worst birthday gifts, but he would look at you with such love that you would never care. Then he would dance for you."

GOODBYE TO ALL THAT

Whether you’re filling out your Tinder profile, making a listicle of books that everyone in their twenties should read, or inviting your favorite authors to a hypothetical dinner in The New York Times Book Review, you’re bound to find your token lady writer soulmate on this list.

Dirtbag Hamlet

A GHOST appears.
GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

As Director of The Society, it warms my heart to know that so many are dedicated to upholding the tradition of honest analog espionage. No computer program or data breach could possibly compete with the authentic satisfaction that accompanies a lovingly planted bug or the elegant jab of an umbrella-tip full of ricin.

Given that pundits like to go on about character, and how we used to have it and now we don’t, I thought it might be interesting to go back and look at some of the Sunday-school songs Americans were using to help children grow in “character” when we were -- supposedly -- better at it. What, exactly, can we learn from these songs?

I don't know.

↳ Of course you do, you ridiculous girl. Cast your mind back to the night of April the thirteenth.

The night of the cotillion?

↳ You're not well-dressed enough to play that stupid with me, child. The evening after.

I did nothing that day.

↳ You did plenty.

What makes some women cross to the nether-centuries is beyond me. Here is an ordered list, from Horrifying to Most Horrifying, of women who have traveled to the Past.

Childhood is a magical time. But some magic spells are better than others.

Reply permanently failed because recipient doesn’t believe you’re more afraid of them than they are of you.

Reply permanently failed because recipient honestly forgot how and from where they know you and it would be awkward to pretend otherwise.

Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.

THE DADMAG 500: BUSINESSES THAT ARE RIPPING YOU OFF

Devonshire is known for its rich pastures, downs, pleasant woods, and total lack of beaux.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the first time the two of you got high together, you’d get uncontrollable giggles and finally blurt, “We’re Hiddlestoned.” Then you’d have a terrible moment in which he stared blankly at you and you thought you’d ruined everything before he burst out laughing and said, “I adore you.”

Her impudence will only encourage the others!
Majesty, her continued existence is an affront to the high and noble bloodline of the Bloodriddle family, and to the high office with which your grandfrere entrusted me!