Author Archive

Scenes From The Divorce-Themed Sandlot Sequel That Wendy Peffercorn Deserves

Squints grew up and married Wendy Peffercorn. They have nine kids. They bought Vincent’s Drugstore, and they still own it to this day.

INT. NIGHT. WENDY PEFFERCORN bolts up in bed and shakes her husband awake.

WENDY PEFFERCORN: Wake up.

SQUINTS: Mmmf?

WENDY PEFFERCORN: Why am I married to you?

SQUINTS: What?

WENDY PEFFERCORN: Why on earth am I married to you?

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So Prince Is Covering A Nichole Nordeman Song From 2005

This is, frankly, news that is going to profoundly interest a very specific subset of 1990s- and early 2000s-era evangelical Christian kids, and elicit the mildest of amusement from the rest of you, but:

Prince is covering a Nichole Nordeman song. “THAT Nichole Nordeman, Mallory?” I hear you asking. YES, THAT NICHOLE NORDEMAN. “The same Nichole Nordeman who released “This Mystery” in 2000, a CD my older sister Laura played every morning as she got ready for school in the dark in order to get to campus by 6:15 so she could snag one of the twelve spots for junior parking?” THE VERY SAME.

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The Boxcar Children, Redux

THE TOWN: get out, you orphans

THE BAKER: I’ll sell you to just about anyone

BENNY: this old train is asleep

VIOLET: lets live in it, instead of society

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Scenes From The Bell Jar And Other Sylvia Plath Works, As Remembered By Someone Who Never Finished Reading Sylvia Plath

“Thanks for the bell, Sylvia,” Esther said. “It’s just lovely. And it goes so well with the jar that Beth just got me.”

“Oh, it was nothing,” Sylvia said. “It’s been a lovely evening.”

It really had been a lovely evening.

The Bell Jar, I assume

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A Conversation Between The Two People I Assume Design All Restaurant Bathrooms

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Okay, so I think we’re pretty much set here. There’s not a lot of space, it’s single-occupancy, we’ve got a sink, a toilet, a blow dryer, a trash can –

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Full length mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: What?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Full. Length. Mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: What about it?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: We need a full length mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Where?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Hanging on the inside of the bathroom door, directly facing the toilet, such that whoever uses is it forced to make eye contact with herself as she uses the facilities.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Why would she…what purpose would that serve?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Honesty.

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Link Roundup

That Deadline article was SO BAD but the many tweets it inspired were SO GOOD.

SO BAD:

(You really don’t need to read this; you already know what this article is about)

SO GOOD:

https://twitter.com/Luvvie/status/580579563517902848

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A Sneak Peek At Eke Magazine’s Spring 2015 Issue

YOU GOTTA CLICK THROUGH, IT’S AN IMAGE, I can’t just show you part of an image.

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The Revenge-Based Sequel To Cast Away That Tom Hanks So Richly Deserves

INT. DAY. TOM HANKS is in a building or wherever, I don’t care. He’s on the phone with HELEN HUNT, is the point. You remember Cast Away, I’m not going to explain it to you. 

TOM HANKS’ CHARACTER: So your daughter, Katie, is like…one year old, right?

HELEN HUNTS’ CHARACTER: Eleven months.

TOM HANKS: I figured, because there was that one scene where we see Chris fucking Noth feeding her baby food and she’s sitting up unsupported in a high chair and if she’s already on solid foods and grasping and holding herself up unassisted, she was probably at least eight or nine months old.

HELEN HUNT: Right.

TOM HANKS: Okay, so that’s a year, give or take. Nine months before that, obviously. You guys aren’t exactly young parents, so it probably took you a little while to get pregnant. I’ll be generous and say it took just three months.

HELEN HUNT: That’s kind of personal.

TOM HANKS: Yeah, well.

HELEN HUNT: Why the sudden interest in math?

TOM HANKS: I was gone for four and a half years. On that deserted island.

HELEN HUNT: Right. I remember. It was terrible.

TOM HANKS: Sure. Whatever. And I already said I understand that you had to move on, but you were pretty serious on selling me that you kept all these charts of where my plane went down and how obsessed you were about it, and how long your friends had to tell you to move on before you married my dentist.

HELEN HUNT: Our dentist.

TOM HANKS: Right. Also, in case you ever find yourself in a similar position in the future, it was a little bit chilly to choose your new husband to tell me that you’d gotten married.

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