Author Archive

The LA Times Festival Of Books’ Toast Schedule

Come gaze upon me with your face and other gazing parts this weekend, please!

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A Bit Of Fry And Laurie Friday: Buying An Engagement Ring

Fry and Laurie are never better than when Stephen is an unctuous, desperate-to-please, incredibly correct tradesman who manages to stymie and flatter and outrage Hugh at every turn. “I shall have to tell Father, of course.”

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Paintings Of Sappho In Order Of How Bummed Out She Looks

So maybe my favorite part about all of Greek history is that Sappho was just such a BIG GAY BUMMER that it pretty much killed her. (This may or may not be true. 100% of what we know about Sappho is “this may or may not be true,” except for the rumor that she threw herself off of a cliff for the love of some male boatman, which is a vile calumny invented by, I don’t know, Athenians probably, who were terrified of women’s sexuality in general.)

(Follow-up parenthetical: we are NOT going to have an argument about Sappho’s historic gayness. If I hear the words “finishing school,” “Phaon,” “it’s impossible to know her sexuality because…” or anything about Erinna being a male poet using a pseudonym, I will shut down this entire website and send all of you packing.)

Anyhow, here are a bunch of paintings of Sappho in order of how super bummed-out she looked. (She was bummed out all the time because of ladies.)

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The Swiss Family Robinson

ELIZABETH: everyone we know is drowned

FATHER: what a good opportunity to learn about the Protestant work ethic and animal husbandry

FRITZ: let’s own and eat every animal

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I Can’t Be The Only Person Left Who Does Their Taxes By Hand

A of everything, get off my case about leaving stuff until the last minute or getting an accountant, I’ve got everything as handled as it needs to be. But more to the point: I cannot be the last person who writes out her taxes by hands and mails them in via actual mail, can I? Because, yes, the Internet, but counterpoint: THEY MAKE IT HARD AS NERF BALLS TO DO YOUR TAXES ON THE INTERNET. You have to get a code or whatever and they make you remember what you paid in taxes last year, which, why would I remember that, I mailed you all of my taxes last year, you’re the ones with all the information.

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“But Tonight I’m Getting Drunk Because It’s My Turn”: I Blame All Of You For Not Telling Me About Trailer Park Boys

WHY WOULD YOU KEEP THIS FROM ME:

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A Day In The Life Of A Fictional Female Reporter

9:17 am: Sleep with a source.

10:00 am: Sleep with my boss.

10:58 am: Find a powder-blue Oxford shirt that doesn’t quite button up over my breasts. Buy eight pairs.

11:13 am: Internet.

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The Sequel To The Beauty And The Beast Those Hot Blonde Triplets Deserve

Previously in this series: The sequel to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that Charlie’s mother deserves. EXT. DAY. UNNAMED FRENCH VILLAGE. The THREE BLONDE TRIPLETS and GASTON are all sitting on the edge of the fountain Belle was reading at during the “Bonjour” number. The BLONDES look as serious as possible, for them.  TRIPLET […]

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