Author Archive

Come See Alexis Coe and Mallory Tonight in San Francisco

Toastrons in the Bay Area and surrounding environs! What are you doing tonight? Do you want to come to the Booksmith in San Francisco at 7:30 and listen to The Toast's own Alexis Coe and self discuss lesbian murderesses? Of course you do. [Miranda Priestly voice] ...Read More

Songs From A Neutral Milk Hotel Album That Does Not Reference The Holocaust

Previously: a Decemberists album where nobody gets murdered. "Everything In This Song Is Spelled According To Modern Convention" "A Girl Who Is Alive And Not Anne Frank Plays A Piano Without Any Semen On It" "No One Visited The Penny Arcade That Day" "The Characters On This Old-Timey Postcard Have Not Come To Life To ...Read More

How To Tell If You Are In A Jack London Story

Previously in this series: Alexandre Dumas. You are a dog who has murdered just everyone. You are a man. You are a man. You are a woman, and no good to anybody. You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone. Now everyone you know is dead. A man once taught ...Read More

The Stages Of Reading “To Build A Fire” As An Unduly Hopeful Person

"It was a clear day, and yet there seemed an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that made the day dark, and that was due to the absence of sun. This fact did not worry the man." Well, if he's not worried, I'm not going to worry either. "But all ...Read More

Dirtbag Apollo

Previously: Dirtbag Zeus. APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot DAPHNE: i'm so sorry have we met? APOLLO: we havent met but you know me DAPHNE: sorry? APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN DAPHNE: what? APOLLO: youre welcome hey let me touch your skin for a while DAPHNE: i have to no [DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him] APOLLO: so ...Read More

Getting Your Dante Confiscated At Church Camp With Book Riot

Interested parties would do well to saunter over to Book Riot's Reading Lives podcast, should they wish to hear an interview with me about reading P.G. Wodehouse for the first time, hating The Mists of Avalon, and getting your copy of the Divine Comedy confiscated at ...Read More

Women Trying To Sleep Unsuccessfully In Western Art History

sleeping1 okay rule A, don't take off her cloak when she's sleeping sleeping2 rule B, don't touch her hair when she's sleeping Screen Shot 2014-10-19 at 10.48.24 PM i don't ...Read More

The Internet: A Glossary

greatest American hero = I like her garbage = not very good I love you = we are both on the Internet, and we agree about something shut it all down = I'm going to stay right here and not leave the Internet and keep reading this NSFW = this is a picture of food #tcot = ...Read More