Author Archive

Quotes From The Inevitable Hollywood Adaptation of Anne Lister’s Diaries

We live in a world where [CELEBRITY REDACTED] and her girlfriend could scissor on the White House lawn and the headlines would read “CELEB REDACTED And Live-In Gal Pal Enjoy Friendly Game Of Rock Paper Scissors”; you know in your own heart that someday The Secret Diaries of Anne Lister will be remade and heterosexualized. I’m calling it now.

The Secret Diaries Of Anne Lister

“Arranging & putting away my last year’s letters. Looked over and burnt several very old ones from indifferent people…I burnt Mr. Montagu’s farewell verses that no trace of any man’s admiration may remain. It is not meet for me. I love, and only love, the fairer sex and am thus beloved by them in turn, as good friends. My heart revolts from any other love than theirs, pal-wise. I love men, and maleness, and whatnot.”

“Could not sleep last night. Dozing, hot and disturbed…a violent longing for a female companion came over me, because sometimes a lady just needs her girlfriends, am I right? Never remember feeling it so painfully before…It was absolute pain to me. Heterosexuality is great, sex-wise for me.”

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The Thomas Hardy Boys

The Great Wessex Caper

The boys scrambled back onto their motorcycles and gunned them a bit to get past the intersecting road in a hurry. They rode in silence for a while, gazing at the scene ahead.

On their right an embankment of tumbled rocks and boulders sloped steeply to the water below. From the opposite side rose a jagged cliff. The little-traveled road was winding, and just wide enough for two cars to pass.

“Boy, I’d hate to fall off the edge of this road,” Frank remarked. “It’s a hundred-foot drop.”

“We are doomed whether we fall or no,” Joe said.

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Paintings of the Temptation of Saint Anthony That Fundamentally Misunderstand The Concept Of Temptation

Just to get this out of the way, I am aware that the general vibe of most paintings of the Temptation of St. Anthony is like, DECADENT HORROR to denote the ultimate BAD END of temptations; all the horned pig-ferrets are more like a representation of “the wages of sin is DEATH” than like, an actual medieval desire to hang out with pig-ferrets. THAT SAID, literally everyone who has ever painted the Temptation of St. Anthony has actually no idea what temptation looks like.

Let us begin.

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The “Inside SoCal” Series Is Transcendently Good And Kyle Mooney Is Possibly A Genius

So, yes, obviously, it is a little ridiculous to call someone who is already a featured player on SNL by the age of 30 underappreciated. I acknowledge that. But it genuinely concerns me that people might not understand the work of Kyle Mooney.

“Sure, that’s funny, he’s funny. I laughed. It’s funny.” NO. Do not damn him with faint praise. Speak only when you know what you are about to say or shut your mouth entirely. It’s exquisitely tuned; it is a symphony written on a grain of rice, and I wish to helling Christ I could find a better way to describe what’s so unique about Inside SoCal and the Chris Kirkpatrick videos.

What I want to do is say that he interrogates a certain type of white maleness that is normally ignored as the default, but without saying “interrogates,” “default,” or “white maleness,” both because academic speak is deeply unlovely and also because this barely begins to describe what it is that he does.

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With Apologies In Advance: If Robert Burns Was A Power Lifter

My heart’s in the squat rack, my heart is not here
My heart’s in the squat rack, a-lifting to clear
A-lifting to clear, and improving my throws,
My heart’s in the squat rack, wherever I go.

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Link Roundup!

GOOD MORNING, CAMPERS. (Is there a more hateful sound than the sickly-sung drawl of “Good morning, campers”? I submit that there is not.) I’m going to be doing a few link roundups over the next week or two as a FUN CHANGE OF PACE; please prepare yourself in the unlikely event that you hate change.


Should you consider yourself an interested party, here is the official instagram for the caught small cat, now living with Friend of the Toast Liz Lopatto.


He is well, and all signs point to his continuing to be well, for a very long time.


Oh, my goodness and a half:

She’s very aware that she doesn’t have many of the problems others in the group do. She’s already worked through her war issues in therapy. She and her second wife got divorced when she transitioned, but they’ve made their friendly peace, and what living family she’s still got accepts her. She has a new partner, a woman named Lizzie Jenkins. They’re both retired. Donna Jean’s extremely busy and active in the community via Louisiana Trans Advocates, an organization she helped found that runs support groups, which she and Lizzie personally lead in New Orleans and Baton Rouge and attend events for all over the state. She also speaks to university classes because she and Lizzie like to spread awareness and combat stigma. Plus, they really like the way that they can, from the front of the room, see all the college men in the seats unconsciously put their hands over their junk when the discussion turns to sex reassignment surgery.

When it happens, DJ and Lizzie point out to the boys that they’re doing it. Then the boys spread their arms back out, draping them all over the backs of the chairs around them, reclaiming their full, rightful male space.

Donna Jean is the happiest she’s ever been. She often hums cheery tunes to herself as she walks around town.

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A Bit Of Fry And Laurie Friday: Scumbag

“If we’d rung the bell, there would have been no point in my having carried this sledgehammer all the way from the car park.”

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Code Words For “Gay” In Classic Films

Previously: Code words for lesbianism in classic films.

If you hear any of the following words or phrases used to describe a male character in a movie made before 1970, odds are good that they’re trying to tell you about a homosexual, a real boarding-school afternooner, someone who eats his dinner in a restaurant, a fellow who walks down the shady side of the street.




Wears a hat of someone else’s choosing

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