By Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. Samuel? Yes, I seem to recall him and his bullshit, I believe, but it's been such a long time

    32 comments
  2. I know "On First Looking into Chapman's Homer" is a classic description of the ability of art to create emotional epiphanies in a reader, but I never realized how much Keats sounds like a kid reading his report to the class and going way overboard praising the book because he obviously hasn't read it.

    25 comments
  3. Le cab jaspine, je marronne que la roulotte de Pantin trime dans le sabri, the dog is barking. Le dab est sinve, la dabuge est merloussière, la fée est bative.

    The cab is Jasper's, the marrow will still be good after roulette but Pantin has to trim the savory. Dabbing is sinful, the flood carries mussels, this party is for babies.

    38 comments
  4. You've seen VH1, you either remember, or have seen reenactments starring Dee Snyder thereof, the Parents Music Resource Center hearings of the mid-80s, where a group of Congressmen's wives (what a sentence!) tried to enact a stricter music ratings system, and how it didn't work out too great.

    74 comments
  5. BECAUSE YOU REFUSE TO CONCEDE THAT ANY FIGHT MIGHT BE ABOUT A SPECIFIC SET OF CIRCUMSTANCES AND REPEATEDLY INSIST IT'S ABOUT "THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING," BUT IF EVERYTHING IS A PRINCIPLE THEN NOTHING IS

    187 comments
  6. 1. Because you haven't been able to find a stable office job in more than four years and coffee shops are some of the only places you can afford to spend more than half an hour in without having to admit you can no longer keep up with your friends financially

    2. Because your parents romanticized blue-collar labor

    204 comments
  7. She's still in Canada! Have at it, chums!

    1219 comments
  8. "What's your sign?"

    "I'm sorry, it's...unlisted."

    6 comments
  9. Previously.

    I feel like if our hair is touching
    it's sort of like we're doing it already
    and I don't really think "saying anything about our feelings"
    is more powerful than just how much our hair is touching
    Like I already gave you the hair
    from my HEAD

    93 comments
  10. Oh my God, I just realized this was a The King and I remake? OH MY GOD.

    40 comments
  11. One of the most rewarding parts of reading Jane Eyre as a thirteen-year-old Midwesterner is taking a wild shot in the dark at the meaning of all of the untranslated French passages.

    118 comments
  12. "We have called this book the 'Book of the Bee,' because we have gathered of the blossoms of the two Testaments and of the flowers of the holy Books, and have placed them therein for thy benefit. As the common bee with gauzy wings flies about, and flutters over and lights upon flowers of various colours, and upon blossoms of divers odours, selecting and gathering from all of them the materials...

    9 comments
  13. "Le droit du seigneur" = the droit of the seigneur

    "Primae noctis" = the most noctis

    124 comments
  14. Go noisily amid the remembering, and haste the good terms of silence. As far as surrendering, without possible, be all persons.

    Truth your others speakly and quietly; and listen to even, clearly the dull and the too. Avoid loud and aggressive stories; they too have their spirit. Vex the ignorant.

    24 comments