Author Archive

Toast Points For The Week Of November 21st

This has been a hell of a week. The Butter exists now!

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Paintings That Wikimedia Commons Has Inaccurately Categorized As “Seduction In Art”

The “Seduction in art” tab on Wikimedia Commons is full of inaccurately categorized works of art. Here are a few examples:


This is not a woman who is being seduced. This is a woman who is being bothered while she is doing her job.


Here is another example of a woman who is not being seduced. She is pushing an old man away from her, while wearing a nice gown.

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Signs That You’re A Murderer In A Columbo Episode

You’re wearing an expensive coat that your wife paid for. You hate her for it.

You are Dick Van Dyke.

You’re taller, more polished, better dressed, and have better diction than the investigating detective assigned to your late wife’s case, and yet you know he’s the better man.

You are either a highly paid psychiatrist, a world-renowned composer, a high-ranking naval officer, or a mystery novelist with a pilot’s license.

You are insufferably smug, and rude to waiters, valet staff, elevator attendants, and your own relatives.

You are either brusque and indifferent or overly affectionate to dogs.

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Another Highly Literal Tarot Card Reading

Be careful out there.

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Reasons Why I Would Make An Excellent Druidess And You Should Consider Me For The Position

Previously: Why I Think I Would Make An Excellent Vestal Virgin And You Should Consider Me For The Position.

1. My understanding of “druids” as a profession and as a religion is pleasantly vague, which is exactly how I like my job descriptions and spiritual practices.

2. I’m into the moon in a big way, which I feel like would be helpful.

3. I have plenty of experience resenting Christianity as an institution.

4. Three fucking words: Naturally. Red. Hair.

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Signs You May Hate Winter

Hello, chums! I don’t often make corrections, but some lovely friends of the Toast have pointed out that SAD is several orders of magnitude more serious than this comes across, and I am sorry to have been insensitive and thoughtless about that. We can all hate winter without making anyone feel worse for experiencing depression. Okay, back to jokes. 

You don’t like when it gets dark out at three in the afternoon.

You like it better when it’s summer, and not winter.

Being very cold, that’s not your favorite thing.

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Chris Hemsworth, Sexiest Man Alive

“It won’t be like that for me,” he had always insisted when it had come up in the past. “I’ll be fine.”

That was usually enough to satisfy anyone asking the question. But not enough for her.

“I don’t even know that I qualify,” he told her. “Aren’t you being a little premature? Maybe I’m just the third, or the fourth Sexiest Man Alive.”

She fixed Chris with a look.

“Well, I could be,” he said. “You don’t know that. There could be someone in…in Finland, or Mongolia or somewhere, who’s just a little bit sexier than me.”

The look didn’t waver.

“Probably not, though,” he admitted.

“But you have the dreams,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

“Not everyone who has the dreams is chosen,” he said.

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1930s Films That Could Easily Double As Titles For Misandrist Manifestos

Dumb Dicks

The League of Frightened Men

Forty Naughty Girls

Follow The Lady

The Warrior’s Husband

Girls Will Be Boys

Men Are Such Fools

Bringing Up Father

Kept Husband

To Oblige A Lady

A Woman Alone

What, No Men!

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