Author Archive

“Altruism is pointless. So are dogs.”

A certain long-dead Objectivist beloved of the Toast’s editors has taken to reviewing children’s movies for the New Yorker (dot com):

“101 Dalmatians”

A wealthy woman attempts to do her impoverished school friend Anita a favor by purchasing some of her many dogs and putting them to sensible use. Her generosity is repulsed at every turn, and Anita foolishly and irresponsibly begins acquiring even more animals, none of which are used to make a practical winter coat. Altruism is pointless. So are dogs. A cat is a far more sensible pet. A cat is objectively valuable. —No stars.

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How To Make Sure You Get Enough To Eat At Holiday Parties

This post originally appeared on November 11, 2013.

Well, the holidays are at last upon us, as “upon us” is a holiday’s favorite place to sprawl, and that means one thing: making sure that you get enough to eat at holiday parties. There’s nothing worse than waking up in January and realizing you’ve practiced careful moderation in the face of temptation, also watching that waistline, and cravings, and jeans that fit: food is everywhere. Here are a few tips to make sure you get your fair share of empty calories between Thanksgivukkah and New Boxing Day.

Don’t fill up on water. Water is full of empty fluids. If you’re trying to keep yourself from over-imbibing on cocktails, try matching every alcoholic beverage you drink with a glass of nog. Any variety of nog will do, as long as it leaves a film on your glass. Remember: if the glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog, as the elves sing right before they get you. 

Avoid the crudités. They’re a pointless vehicle for dip. Think of all the other foods you could be smearing that dip on: french onion smeared over a pimiento olive; pâté on sausage rolls. Celery is for suckers.

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Seventeen Rocks That Just Can’t Even


Which one of these rocks just can’t? Here’s a hint: try to spot the one that cannot even.


This rock is just so over it.


This rock tried to can. Look what happened.

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Link Roundup!


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Look At How Happy This Guy Is To See A Shark

May we all find ways to be as happy as this guy.

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A Note About Contracts and Authors’ Rights

Hello, lovelies! This is going to get a bit inside-baseball-y, so if you do not consider yourself A Writer or Someone With A Vested Interest In Copyright Retention, feel free to skip merrily ahead to the next post.

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Let’s Talk About Our Worst Dreams

When I sleep, it’s either dreamless or pulsing with nightmares. There’s no in-between. (“But Mallory! Everyone dreams, you just don’t always remem–” HUSH NOW.) The odds of a nightmare seem to increase if I take a late-afternoon nap or fall back asleep after waking up too early in the morning, but it’s random enough that I generally have to pray to myself before losing consciousness that I won’t serve myself anything horrifying while I’m sleeping.

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A Note From Aaron Sorkin

“That was a great and very interesting column today,” Sorkin wrote to Dowd on March 6. “I’d only take issue with one thing and that’s the idea that something like Bridesmaids is seen as a fluke and that’s why we don’t see more movies like Bridesmaids. There’s an implication that studio heads have a stack of Bridesmaids-quality scripts on their desk that they’re not making and it’s just not true. The scripts aren’t there.”

Then, Sorkin connects the lack of good scripts to his belief that “the degree of difficulty” in Blanchett’s performance in Blue Jasmine was “nothing close to the degree of difficulty” to any of the nominated male lead performances that year.

“That’s why year in and year out, the guy who wins the Oscar for Best Actor has a much higher bar to clear than the woman who wins Best Actress,” Sorkin wrote. “Cate gave a terrific performance in Blue Jasmine but nothing close to the degree of difficulty for any of the five Best Actor nominees. Daniel Day-Lewis had to give the performance he gave in Lincoln to win–Jennifer Lawrence won for Silver Linings Playbook, in which she did what a professional actress is supposed to be able to do. Colin Firth/Natalie Portman. Phil Hoffman had to transform himself into Truman Capote while Julia Roberts won for being brassy in Erin Brockovich. Sandra Bullock won for ‘The Blind Side’ and Al Pacino lost for both Godfather movies. Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep can play with the boys but there just aren’t that many tour-de-force roles out there for women.”


What I want for Christmas.

What I want for Christmas is a man who wins the Oscar with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. I think it’s called a watch. (Wow, that’s great.) I think that everybody should have a man who wins the Oscar and a thing that tells time. They’re very good for Christmas. I don’t think that a woman would make a very good Oscar winner.

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