Author Archive

The Stages Of Reading “To Build A Fire” As An Unduly Hopeful Person

"It was a clear day, and yet there seemed an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that made the day dark, and that was due to the absence of sun. This fact did not worry the man." Well, if he's not worried, I'm not going to worry either. "But all ...Read More

Dirtbag Apollo

Previously: Dirtbag Zeus. APOLLO: so do you come here to this river a lot DAPHNE: i'm so sorry have we met? APOLLO: we havent met but you know me DAPHNE: sorry? APOLLO: ever seen THE SUN DAPHNE: what? APOLLO: youre welcome hey let me touch your skin for a while DAPHNE: i have to no [DAPHNE turns into a tree to escape him] APOLLO: so ...Read More

Getting Your Dante Confiscated At Church Camp With Book Riot

Interested parties would do well to saunter over to Book Riot's Reading Lives podcast, should they wish to hear an interview with me about reading P.G. Wodehouse for the first time, hating The Mists of Avalon, and getting your copy of the Divine Comedy confiscated at ...Read More

Women Trying To Sleep Unsuccessfully In Western Art History

sleeping1 okay rule A, don't take off her cloak when she's sleeping sleeping2 rule B, don't touch her hair when she's sleeping Screen Shot 2014-10-19 at 10.48.24 PM i don't ...Read More

The Internet: A Glossary

greatest American hero = I like her garbage = not very good I love you = we are both on the Internet, and we agree about something shut it all down = I'm going to stay right here and not leave the Internet and keep reading this NSFW = this is a picture of food #tcot = ...Read More

Toast Points For The Week of October 17th

If you don't know what to do with yourself on this afternoon, might I recommend treating yourself to Robert Benchley's "What--No Budapest?" Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 10.31.21 AM ...Read More

Fictional Characters Whose Lives Would Have Been Vastly Improved By An Abortion

Mrs. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice It becomes abundantly clear after the birth of Mary that things are not going to get better; Mr and Mrs Bennet at last have an overdue conversation about the state of their finances and reluctantly agree that trying again and hoping for a boy is a terrible plan of ...Read More

Songs From A Decemberists Album Where Nobody Gets Murdered

"What A Successful Harvest This Was, Let's Not Rape Anybody" "The Sailor Who Died Of Old Age (Not Because Of A Weird Old-Age Curse Either, He Really Lived To A Naturally Old Age)" "The Summer Nobody Died" "This Lighthouse Isn't Haunted" "The Chimney That Wasn't Stuffed With The Bodies Of Murdered Women" ...Read More