Author Archive

Toast Points For The Week Of October 24th

You can mock the Eagles if you like, but not on my watch, and not on my site. They know what women are like. “Yes, talking about racism and discrimination against Asian Americans is extremely weird without broaching how the model minority myth has been used as a weapon against both black and brown people […]

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The Mom Apotheosis

Previously: The Ur-Dad story.

Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 8.36.59 PM

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The Only Problem With The Maze Runner

As you may or may not be aware, my New Year’s Resolution this year was to only go to see movies I thought I’d have a really good time at this year (this is why I have seen Vampire AcademyI, Frankenstein, the Purge sequel, and both Hercules movies in 3D but not Gone Girl). It has been the best decision I have ever made with my life, and it is directly responsible for my having seen The Maze Runner last Friday afternoon in a nearly empty theater.

For a while, after I saw this movie, whenever someone asked me what I thought of it, I told them “it was amazing,” in a way that made it clear I was saying it with the word maze in the middle, but my heart wasn’t really in the pun. I liked The Maze Runner a great deal more than I anticipated, but I could not bring myself to love it. It was still the greatest movie I have ever seen (every movie is the greatest movie I have ever seen until I see the next one).

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Women In Eagles Songs, In Order Of Trustworthiness

“It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford
Slowin’ down to take a look at me”

She sounds like a lot of fun! She drives her own car and she stops to look at men in the street. I’ll bet she’s part owner of the local bar, too, and is a very sexually frank person.

“Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how
high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman she got
the moon in her eye
She held me spellbound in the night
dancing shadows and firelight
crazy laughter in another
room and she drove herself to madness
with a silver spoon”

What doesn’t sound appealing about that? She flies around the night sky and owns the moon and wants to have insanity sex in the darkness. I love this woman.

“I’ve got seven women on my mind…Four that wanna stone me”

Perfectly straightforward. You know what they want. They have not attempted to hide their motives. Stay out of their way if you can, apologize if you must, and duck either way. These women have no surprises for you.

“I’ve got seven women on my mind…Two that wanna own me”

These women are a little trickier. They should not be allowed to own you. Eagles have to fly free.

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Come See Alexis Coe and Mallory Tonight in San Francisco

Toastrons in the Bay Area and surrounding environs! What are you doing tonight? Do you want to come to the Booksmith in San Francisco at 7:30 and listen to The Toast’s own Alexis Coe and self discuss lesbian murderesses?

Of course you do. [Miranda Priestly voice] Everyone wants that.

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Songs From A Neutral Milk Hotel Album That Does Not Reference The Holocaust

Previously: a Decemberists album where nobody gets murdered.

“Everything In This Song Is Spelled According To Modern Convention”

“A Girl Who Is Alive And Not Anne Frank Plays A Piano Without Any Semen On It”

“No One Visited The Penny Arcade That Day”

“The Characters On This Old-Timey Postcard Have Not Come To Life To Comfort You About Your Parents’ Divorce”

“The Boy With One Head On His Body”

“I Have Pictures Of My Living Family And No Pictures Of Executed Criminals In This Photo Album”

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How To Tell If You Are In A Jack London Story

Previously in this series: Alexandre Dumas.

You are a dog who has murdered just everyone.

You are a man. You are a man.

You are a woman, and no good to anybody.

You were weak once, long ago, in a land where the sun shone. Now everyone you know is dead.

A man once taught you how to love by beating you gently with his calloused hands. Now he is dead.

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The Stages Of Reading “To Build A Fire” As An Unduly Hopeful Person

“It was a clear day, and yet there seemed an intangible pall over the face of things, a subtle gloom that made the day dark, and that was due to the absence of sun. This fact did not worry the man.”

Well, if he’s not worried, I’m not going to worry either.

“But all this—the mysterious, far-reaching hair-line trail, the absence of sun from the sky, the tremendous cold, and the strangeness and weirdness of it all—made no impression on the man. It was not because he was long used to it. He was a newcomer in the land, a chechaquo, and this was his first winter. The trouble with him was that he was without imagination.”

This is going to be one of those stories where man triumphs over nature, I can tell.

“He would be in to camp by six o’clock; a bit after dark, it was true, but the boys would be there, a fire would be going, and a hot supper would be ready.”

That will be great!

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