Author Archive

Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form

Obviously, Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. The entire male cast of Magic Mike XXL, really, all wet noses and unbridled enthusiasm and hanging their heads out of car windows and sniffing things for the sheer joy of being alive. If Labrador Retrievers had abs, it would be these men. Fights are quickly dissolved into celebrations of life. They probably eat garbage, and kick their legs in the air if you scratch them in the right place. Life is reaction, and smelling other people’s hair, and moving as quickly as possible, and mating cheerfully, and finding a warm spot by the fire to curl up in.

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A Bit Of Fry And Laurie Friday: Marjorie And Thunderbolt

I am going away on vacation for three weeks. Goodbye.

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Transcendently Sublime Lines From Joe Manganiello’s Book About Fitness

The Book arrived today. It is, as you might imagine, chockablock with moments of the sublime.

“I remember being in high school, sitting on the couch with my girlfriend watching MTV, and the video for “Under The Bridge” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers came on. The video ends with a shirtless Anthony Kiedis running in slow motion, long hair swinging, pecs bouncing, and the room got silent – loud silent. I looked over at my girlfriend and realized that she was practically drooling over this guy. Here I was, a fifteen-year-old with short, preppy hair and a sunken chest that wouldn’t grow. I felt the anger come over me. I hated this guy, and for years I couldn’t stand the Chilis. Anytime anyone brought them up, I got angry. What was causing my jealousy? Simple: my unmet potential.

As an adult, I can look back and laugh. I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.”

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How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism

BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
ME: that’s right
in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’

 

ME: what book do you want to read
do you want to read ‘Go, Dog, Go’ or ‘Pat The Bunny’
BABY: buhh
ME: are you saying Bunny?
BABY: buhh
ME: that’s right
resist the metanarrative
here is no such thing as outside-of-the-text
the dog can go nowhere

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John Cheever’s “The Swimmer,” Fifty Years Later

NED: I’m the swimming man
I’m here for your wet backyard squares
when you’re in the pool it’s bad suburban ennui
but when im in the pool it’s brave

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What To Expect When You’re Expecting, By Shirley Jackson

With grateful thanks to Toast reader Alicia for the idea.

Chapter 1: Before You Conceive

Conditions Of Absolute Reality
Remember To Use Stones • Stand By Yourself Against The Hills • Are You Walking Toward Something You Should Be Running Away From?

Chapter 2: Just What’s Inside Of You?

God! Whose Hand Were You Holding?
Strangers Have So Much To Be Afraid Of • A Pretty Sight, A Lady With A Book • She Wants Her Cup Of Stars

Chapter 3: Mother, Mother, I’m Coming, I’m Coming, Mother, Just A Minute Mother, Mother, Stop Banging On The Walls, Mother I’m Coming, Mother Mother ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀ

On The Moon We Speak A Soft, Liquid Tongue
Look Down On The Dead Dried World • A Huge Cloud Of Looming Nothingness • There’s No One Here Named Charles

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Children’s Stories Made Horrific: The House At Pooh Corner

BUMP BUMP BUMP

HERE is Edward Bear, coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump, on the back of his head, behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as Christopher Robin knows, the only way of coming downstairs, with Winnie-the-Pooh — bump, bump, bump — going down the stairs behind him. The bump, bump, bump went up the stairs, too. Here is Edward Bear, up and down the stairs, bumping Christopher Robin. Christopher Robin has bruised knees.

Every time Christopher gets a new bruise, there is a giggle to go with the bump. “I’ve let the blood loose inside of you.” Bump. Bruise. Giggle. “Now you’re wearing the memory of me on your skin.” Bump. Bruise. Giggle. Up and down the stairs.

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Diana, Roman Goddess Of The Hunt, You’re Never Going To Find A Boyfriend This Way

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Diana!!! Goddess of chastity and the hunt! You’re never going to find a boyfriend if you keep taking long, luxurious baths with all your female friends like this! Get it together!

diana14

Diana, how are you going to get a boyfriend if you keep turning all the men who see you into stags and then murder them with arrows?? That is NOT an approved method for keeping your man, Diana!!

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Diana, you are missing a prime opportunity to invite some eligible bachelors to your naked all-girl meadow party! SM dang H here, lady! You’re supposed to be a GODDESS, this is Boyfriend 101 stuff!

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