Author Archive

A Highly Literal Tarot Card Reading

tarot1

oh no youre gonna get ghost hands

tarot2

oh man there was just one stick before but now theres two this isnt good watch out bud

tarot3

okay okay do not turn around but there are three sticks now

Wands04

hoo boy this isnt good
theyre growing some kind of a sentient vine brain in between em all
this is no time for dancing!!

Wands05

The Stick War Has Begun

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Please Don’t Forget To Watch “And Then There Was Shawn” Today

There has only ever been one Halloween-themed episode of television. It was during the fifth season of Boy Meets World. It was called “And Then There Was Shawn.” It starred Jennifer Love Hewitt. It is the greatest half-hour of one of the greatest shows of all time.

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The Texts From Jane Eyre Tour: Where To See Me, If You Want To See Me

Friends and well-wishers, what ho! You are no doubt aware that Texts From Jane Eyre is widely available for purchase beginning November 4th. Should you like to acquire a copy for yourself, I recommend following the words of Wodehouse, which are as true today as they were eighty years ago.

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Today I Saw A Pigeon With Half Its Body Missing

Today I saw half a pigeon. I took a very bad picture of it. The light was harsh. But you can see, imperfectly, the part of the pigeon that is missing.

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The Answer’s Never Yes When You Want It To Be

If you don’t click on the link, you can pretend she said “yes.”

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We Regret To Announce That Your Request Of “Gotta Hear Both Sides” Has Been Denied

Previously: Your request to play devil’s advocate has been denied.

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both sides. We regret to inform you that we have not.

On March the 2nd, you interrupted a conversation by asking “In fairness, have you heard both sides?”

On April the 13th, you spoke over a work acquaintance, reminding her that “We can’t actually form an opinion about this until we’ve heard both sides.”

While in an ideal world perhaps we would listen to all sides, the volume of requests we receive on a daily basis makes this impossible.

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Barbara Stanwyck’s Wig From Double Indemnity Throughout The Ages

One wig. Many heads.

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A Wrinkle In Time: Dirtbag Mrs. Whatsit

INT. THE MURRY’S home. NIGHT.

MRS WHATSIT: hello
is anybody home
MRS. MURRY: excuse me?
MRS WHATSIT: i’m coming in for sandwiches and to take some of your sheets
also your children, i will be taking them
MRS. MURRY: you’re what?
MRS WHATSIT: oh by the way your husband is in space
and your science is terrible
just terrible
you have barely any science and your husband is trapped in space
i’ll just take these two children and those sheets over there
bye

 

MEG: where are we going
MRS WHATSIT: shut up and just enjoy the ride, baby
MEG: i was just wondering if–
MRS WHATSIT: well don’t
MEG: don’t…wonder?
MRS WHATSIT: don’t ask me stupid questions
I used to be a goddamn star, Meg
like in the SKY
what did you used to be
a seventh-grader?
lets compare those two things okay
MEG: i’m sorry, i didn’t–
MRS WHATSIT: everyone here who used to be an actual fucking star in the sky raise your hand
thats what i thought

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