By Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. "Heterosexuality? Never heard of it."

  2. I'm not normally a minimalist enthusiast, but I am all about watching this three-minute video of a small aroma diffuser at work. Yeah, it's just – the full three minutes are just quiet aroma diffusing. And the music kind of sounds like the song that's playing in the Chamber of Sages in Ocarina of Time, which I am extremely for.

  3. "squar squar squar squar squarl"


    "sclef sclef sclef cakkhah"


  4. Because, let's be honest, while I am totally into Stevie Nicks and candles and The Craft and whatever, it is enormously safe for me to do so, and I prioritize my physical safety and comfort over absolutely everything, and if there was even a chance that someday I could face social or legal repercussions for my vague, shallow interest in "witch shit," I would throw Stevie Nicks in a river.

  5. Which weekend retreatant helped herself to a full plate of green beans at Saturday lunch, took one bite, realized they were still crisp-fresh, then threw the rest off the side of the deck of the Hesychia hermitage out of embarrassment, even though the retreat kitchen has a perfectly good compost bin?

  6. ah lads
    I fear this is the end for your old pal Handsome Pete
    I am undone by my own babeliness

  7. This feels like the spiritual opposite of the "I'm Tired" sequence from Blazing Saddles.

  8. 2 Timothy 1:7

    For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Except for you! Except for you! The spirit of fear has made your heart her home, and she will never leave you! No power, no love, no soundness of mind – the spirit of fear is yours!

  9. NOT ACTUALLY A POEM but some extremely great science writing that the weather service still uses, it gets me so HET UP as I read it because I am like "YEAH those branches are gonna start swaying!!! oh heck oh heck here it comes! MORE WIND!"

    Description on Land | Description at Sea

    Calm: Smoke rises vertically. | Sea like a mirror.

  10. good good good

  11. I'm off to a monastery for a few days because MY HEART IS A DESERT and I need to go sit by the sea and be quiet near some trees, but I want you to all talk about the most dirtbag summers of your lives.

  12. It makes so much sense that a lot of contemporary monks would have had Big Opinions about Thomas Merton, the most famousest monk of all, but it somehow never occurred to me that any of them would have been so catty about it?

  13. The great Jan Hooks was never better than in "Brenda the Waitress," an SNL skit that is still my favorite movie. It's better than whatever movie you like, and it is the source of the oldest and truest wisdom there is: Pie is never free.