By Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. Are you still here? Get out of here! Go on! Get!

  2. aww, the buddy! he is too nude and angry to even play his lute, little pal

  3. The punishment of Prometheus (he was chained to a rock and had his eternally-regenerating liver torn out by an eagle every day) has always been a popular topic for Western artists, and why not; it's full of action poses and furious birds and gave everyone the chance to draw hands. A real win-win! And yet: Over time, folks got a little sloppy, and eventually, more often than not, Prometheus and the eagle looked like boyfriends…

  4. 0:00-0:01
    Has clearly forgotten this song is next on the schedule; jogs hurriedly downstairs.

    Lina Lamont-style "fruitful gestures"

  5. Today in Ms. Frizzle's class we were learning about the body. "What body?" Carlos kept asking anyone who would listen. "Somebody." Ms. Frizzle laughed uproariously every time he said it. "Somebody! That's good, Carlos!" Ms. Frizzle was in a good mood today.

  6. You have just swept someone a magnificent, yet insolent, leg.

    You have interrupted a game of wist to introduce the players to your ward.

    You have been pronounced a social success by the greatest bitch in Paris.

  7. Many readers familiar with Charles Dickens' Great Expectations are aware that he originally wrote an ending where Pip and Estella meet years after their painful parting only to solemnly shake hands and go their separate ways again:
    It was four years more, before I saw herself.

  8. Right-ho, we're all relatively familiar with the story of the ant and the grasshopper, wherein the grasshopper plays the violin instead of farming, I guess, and then in the winter the ant reminds him that you have to farm if you want to live through the solstice, and everyone's happy, or starves to death. The point is, it's about a grasshopper and an ant.

  9. Exodus 4:23

    “Can I be honest with you for a minute? Let My son go that he may serve Me, because if you refuse to let him go, indeed I will kill your son, your firstborn.”


    Ezekiel 2:8

    “But you, son of man, can I just be honest with you for a minute? Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”



  10. Great Expectations is a book about a boy who is never allowed to finish a meal in peace, and a woman who stays in wedding-dress shape for her entire life. It's pretty good. Here are all of the upsetting meals that are served in it.

    Forgotten Beer

  11. 1. I know the Kitty Genovese story wasn't exactly as egregious as it's become in our popular imagination, but Lord love me, I'm a follower, and there are few things I love more than the diminished moral culpability that comes with being part of a big crowd.

  12. Matthew 1:1

    "An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham."


    Matthew 2:3-4

    "When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born."

  13. Scandal: Mellie/Olivia Forever

    Batman TAS: Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn

    The Gilmore Girls: Rory and Paris

  14. Alternate Gilmore Girls' Series Finales: The Many Imaginary Deaths of Christopher Hayden
    I. The Motorcycle Crash
    II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
    III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids