Truly, this was the week that was.
- Gretchen McCulloch taught us how to diagram sentences in doge
- Two looks into the secret life of Ron(bledore) Weasley
- Annalisa Quinn translated a new poem by Sappho and Daniel Beauregard found the best poetry references in classic Simpsons episodes (poems should only be about statues)
- We had a lively chat about art history and murderous lesbians
- I wrote about my parents’ kitchen and someone – wrongly — taught my father how to comment on The Toast, so thanks a lot for that.
For anyone who actually reads this column: Mallory is not actually our child. We first came into contact with her when she was traveling with a group of carnies (‘circus folk’) and they said they were not her real parents either. She followed us home and although we have moved repeatedly it does no good. The truth is that we have two refrigerators, both state of the art, both always filled with gourmet-style grocery goods that we purchase from a for-benefit grocery store run by street urchins. We use these groceries to fix delicious and healthful meals, most of which we deliver by van to elderly shut-ins at no charge. We have never had any item at any time that was within a week of its freshness expiration point, let alone having one that ran past. My wife is a double-secret panelist on the Food Network’s ‘Chopped’, and i was raised by organic Swedish farmer/chemists. I now regret having taught Mallory how to read and write at the age of twelve. I would comment on her having bit the hand that fed her, but she would probably claim it was past its sell-by date.
- First genius who teaches my mom how to log in is gonna get sand rubbed in their eyes. I don’t know if they grade sand, but…coarse.
THAT TOAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This Week On The Toast: Mallory Reassures Commenters That Sharing Their Thoughts Does Not Make Them Horrible People, In This One Instance At Least
archer references never go out of style. <3
Can toasters that toast The Toast’s logo into the bread on one side, and Mallory’s face on another be the next sort of Toast gear? Because I would gladly recant my allegiance to toaster ovens for an official Toast toaster. (I’ve never typed “toast” so many times.)
Better yet, mindy’s ToastArmada logo?
I have celiac disease, so there are two toasters in my house, so I’d buy TWO of those.
My roommate is borderline celiac! We would need two toasters as well! Look, Toastessess! Double the profits!
I just laugh-snorted out loud at work from that picture. THANKS MALLORY
Oh my god I did not know that kitchen thread had turned into a family reunion situation.
Best Friday ever.
Last I checked, his comment had like 350+ thumbs-up … which might be a Toast record? It was phenomenal.
That is because Mallory’s father is quite literally the Father of Awesome.
Oh holy shit EDIT he is the FATHER OF MISANDRY.
Mallory’s father please put this on your business cards IMMEDIATELY.
417, now. It’s the comment that keeps on giving.
Although yes, it was incredibly disappointing.
If i didn’t know that toast was Mallory, I’d think it was a miracle Winsome Jesus toast.
If i didn't know that toast was Mallory, I'd think it was a miracle Winsome Jesus toast.
If you’d come to Dad’s Club November meeting (theme: sand), you would have heard Norman’s DAD Talk, “Sand And Deliver: Sand Grain Size and You”, among other sand presentations.
Ahhhh I have to commend you on a “That Was The Week That Was” reference, as a longtime Tom Lehrer fan.
Yes, this is pretty much why I read The Toast, I can rely on tiny indulgences showing up in strangely beautiful places. Like Tom Lehrer.
Vonce the rockets are up….
“So, the next time you’re walking on the beach, enjoying an hourglass, or making cheap, low grade windshields, think where we’d be without sand. SAND! SAND! SAND!”