1,019 Comments

  1. aravisthequeen +35

    Toastieeeeees. What is your favourite article that’s ever run on the Toast? I have almost too many to count, but my absolute favourite that I keep coming back to and crying until I laugh every time is “Lines from Go Ask Alice that In Hindsight Should Have Tipped Me Off that This Was Not A True Story.” http://the-toast.net/2014/04/25/fake-lines-from-g… But the Comment Section from Every Recipe Ever is a close second http://the-toast.net/2014/09/04/eighteen-kinds-pe…

    Which are your favourites? Give me something to do with my afternoon as I patiently await the chance to go shopping while my husband hosts a chicken nugget party for his bros at our house. (That is not a euphemism. The entire party is “Eating chicken nuggets while watching Godzilla.”)

    3. hugpunch +19

      Yeah, now I’m just thinking of all the dipping sauces I would have at my own chicken nugget party.

      1. aravisthequeen +8

        We have a variety! Besides ketchup and BBQ sauce, we have a honey-chipotle BBQ sauce, plum sauce, sweet and sour sauce, Thai chili sauce, and sriracha.

    4. friendofdaja +20

      The Monks Inventing Medieval Art series, as well as Dirtbag Anne of Green Gables, make me die laughing every time. Seriously, I can’t give you the links because I’m at work and if I look them up, I’ll read the whole thing and start snort-laughing in a really unattractive way.

    5. aqueousmedium +37

      Dirtbag Teddy Roosevelt, hands (fists?) down.

      TAFT
      TAFT
      what is it, Mr. President
      COME INTO MY OFFICE
      I WANT TO BENCH PRESS SOMETHING

    7. sausagedog +25

      I’m sure this is a popular answer but it doesn’t get much better than the Male Novelist Jokes. It just so perfectly and succinctly explains like… everything.

      I may have inadvertently joined a book group and the “suggested” list of books to read contained (a) no women and (b) multiple Franzen and I’m trying not to be the passive aggressive one who emails that piece to the members.

    10. gentlehangovers +6

      I LOVE the male novelist posts. There’s the male novelists jokes, and then one other that I can’t remember enough about to find! It was written earlier and…help!

    13. deleted7410012 +19

      the first that come to my mind are the dad and mom posts. and i love the male novelist jokes and the dirtbag posts and the ladies in art posts.

      but i also really love the less humorous posts that the toast is a venue for. nicole’s post this week about transracial adoption. that post recently about “you could ask us” and talking over muslim women. the “it wasn’t for me” conversation about asian americans and the media. these are all incredible and i know there’s a bunch i’m forgetting but the vast vast majority of them are incredible and i feel so lucky that there’s a place where i can read them.

      also, “what abortions should be like.” such a perfect, gentle piece.

      1. pamplemoussi +3

        I love anything mom/dad related! And I also send them to my parents except that last time I did it, I think I hurt my mom’s feelings. 🙁 But I was saying how adorable all moms are! No mocking intended!

      1. thedaela +9

        It’s too late to change course,
        Too late to start now.
        You wouldn’t know where –
        You wouldn’t know how.
        You went Places,
        That must be enough.
        That must be enough, and now you must rest.
        You tried, just a little bit less than your best.
        That part’s not your fault, you keep telling the air.
        Maybe the next will do better out there.

        This poem both makes me laugh and makes me Want To Do Better. What more can one ask for?

        1. Toft +4

          Dakimel and nominastultorum’s comments on that article also rank among my favorite things on The Toast.

    16. rallisaurus +10

      Honestly, I’ve loved so many of them I can’t even keep track. Can we just buy a book of everything The Toast has ever published!?

    17. Sunshine +7

      The Recipe Blog is one of my favourites too. I love all the “Every (Nationality) Novel Ever” articles, but especially the Irish and English ones. The portraits of minor Simpsons characters are really good.

      Another one that I loved was “Normal Milestones In Child Development”. I’ve just remembered Mallory’s gushing over Kristen Stewart as a soldier in the trailer for Camp X-Ray while acknowledging that she’s missing the point of the film.

      I do read and enjoy other contributors here, honest. Those are just the ones that come to mind right now.

      1. Passing_Strange +2

        Oh thank you for Neighborhood Witch! I missed that one when it was posted, and how sad it would be if I never got to read it.

        1. alicia +2

          I would recommend clicking on the Red Mills tag to read everything of theirs, though that is NOT ENOUGH.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +2

        German Rocket Cats is one of my favorite things of all time. (plus the story in the comments about Princess Olga)

    23. anon210 +20

      A Day In the Life of a Troubled Male Antihero: http://the-toast.net/2013/08/22/a-day-in-the-life…

      I think that was my first exposure to Mallory. I got to this and became a fanboy for life:

      “Fuck, he thought, then shit. Also he thought the word cunt. Because he could think whatever he wanted, and what he wanted to think about was swears.”

      2. thedaela +8

        Two more favorite quotes:

        He woke up ambiguously. “Hmm,” he seemed to say as he looked warily around him.

        and

        He was backlit by the sun again. It was this kind of cool thing the sun did for him, no matter how high it was in the sky at the time.

    24. Passing_Strange +5

      Why I Am Not Coming Into Work Today by Jess Zimmerman is a go-to re-read for me, and perfect for November. It’s how I wish I could write.

    27. Brunhildenburg +4

      Anything where Mallory re-writes children’s books to make them a billion times better. Velveteen Rabbit was probably my favorite.

    28. Girl Named Jack +2

      Texts from a Jack O’Lantern. It is now an annual tradition for me to read this aloud at our Halloween Drunk Poetry Night and all of us get weepy.

      1. gentlehangovers +4

        Oh man, that one. That one stuck with me for days and weeks and months. It’s so great, and probably my favorite non-humor piece on the Toast.

    35. donkeywork +4

      That Go Ask Alice piece is one of the ones that makes me laugh harder every time I think about it to this day. The milk things! Just…gaaah!

  2. rhymeswitheight +8

    Hiya Toasties. Does anyone have any strong feelings (yay, nay, or otherwise) on Uniqlo’s heattech clothing? (or Uniqlo in general) There’s a dress and a few warm-weather things I’m eying, but I’m always a little suspicious of clothes that claim to do science.

    AND HAPPY WINTER NORTHERN HEMISPHERIANS. This is a very cold day, the first of the season, where I live. What hot beverages will you enjoy?? I’m thinking some spiced cider. Mmm.

    1. breakdownhat +4

      The leggings are perfectly nice as leggings, but I don’t find them any warmer than any other leggings I’ve owned.

    2. catoclock +7

      Never tried the heattech stuff but I am IN LOVE with their perfect stretch jeans. Somehow they’re super stretchy and comfortable but don’t stretch out even after you wear them a billion times, which is some kind of dark witchcraft. Plus, they’ll hem them in-store for free! (Necessary because they only come in a 33-inch inseam for some ungodly reason)

    3. paddlepickle +25

      I have never tried it, I am scared to because it gives the impression that it will set me on fire.

      I hope this comment has been helpful to you.

    4. deleted2997279 +6

      Their sizing is all over the place – I have a flowy blouse in an XS, a merino sweater in S, and I was going to get a merino flared dress in M. I got a heattech shirt thingy from them for free and it fits really well, but I can’t remember (of course) which size I picked. Probably a medium??? Anyway, I am generally pro-Uniqlo and I want to throw all my money at them.

      1. catoclock +1

        Ah yeah this is totally true. The jeans I mentioned above run pretty big — I’m normally a US size 8/10 and I wear a 27 in those, which I think is like a 4 or a 6? But I’ve also tried on different stuff there that seemed to run small, so I dunno.

        1. deleted2997279 +4

          I think the rule of thumb for them, which was true for me, is to size up if it’s something that’s supposed to be fitted and size down for something flowy. I wouldn’t buy pants there without trying them on, because their return policy is so bad, but it works for me for tops/dresses.

    5. alicia +3

      I love their heattech shirts as a bottom layer, they’re a bit warmer, cheaper and easier to care for than silk and not much bulkier.

    6. ach_so +3

      I love Uniqlo! But their Heattech isn’t science, any thin polyester shirt underneath the rest of your clothes would keep you warm. I’m more a fan of thick wool sweaters, but people love Heattech.

    7. notebook-keeper +1

      I have a heattech shirt and it does keep me warmer but it’s also very sheer (which I wasn’t expecting) and I can only wear it under other clothes. I also find that the waistlines on their dresses (or anything else with a defined waist) is always much lower than my actual waist is. But not like a drop waist, just designed for someone with very different proportions. I’m not a fan but I have friends who love the brand.

      1. catoclock +4

        Ohhh this is interesting, I’ve never tried the dresses there but I have a lot of boobage and also a crazy long torso, so dresses cut for normal humans often hit me way too high on the waist. I’ll have to go take a look next time I’m near a store!

    8. Peanutcheese +1

      I have the leggings, tights and long sleeved undershirt thing. I’ve never noticed them being too warm (I hate to overheat) when wearing them even in uk summer (leggings are leggings, I wear whatever comes out the drawer first) but they do seem to protect from the cold in uk winter.

    9. bocadelperro +1

      My mother lives in an extremely drafty old house in the Appalacian foothills and swears by the heattech shirts and socks. IMO the shirts are about as warm as a silk under-layer, but are much cheaper, easier to movie in, and easier to clean. I have had cashmere-blend socks that keep my feet warmer than the heattech ones, but heattech is much easier to launder.

    10. coloredlights +1

      I pretty much live in heattech knee socks all winter. I like them because they’re warm while still being thin enough to act like trouser socks and/or fit under skinny jeans. My wife swears by the heattech tights. AND I have a pair of the heattech jeans that are definitely warmer than regular jeans.

      I love Uniqlo so much and own too many of their items.

      1. coloredlights +1

        Oh yeah and my actual serious winter coat is from Uniqlo. It’s the full-length version of their featured puffy jacket, and it weighs practically nothing and is AMAZING. I live in a place with actual winter and it works just as well as any other puffy coat I’ve had while being far less bulky.

    11. mittensblum +1

      I have their jacket that squishes into a tiny bag and it is MAGIC. Also a bunch of tanktops and tights/leggings for layering. I can wear the tights by themselves outside down to about…30ish degrees, maybe 25 if it’s sunny and I’m walking, and I basically live in the tanktops all winter. The socks are less exciting but they are still soft and comfy.

    12. ebbieann +1

      I’ve had good luck with their heattech turtlenecks, plus they’re fleecey and soft. The rest I was kind of meh on, until I accidentally wore heattech to yoga and felt like I was going to die.

  3. grumblyqueer +8

    Fallen London thread! I always seem to be drawing a Starving Artist ex asking for jade chips. Does anybody else get these recurring opportunity cards?

    1. Goomaly +7

      Sometimes it seems like I get three repeats and then don’t see it again for awhile.

      Also, I finally poisoned my rival after accidentally poisoning two of my friends. Success! But at what cost?

      Fuck them, the bitch is dead.

    2. anninyn +8

      The starving artist is a frequent recurrer for me, as is an Artists Model I Once Knew asking me to get rid of her ex.

      1. viviennestreet +8

        YES Artist’s Model needs to take care of her own problems. The first 50 times I beat the guy up should have settled it.

        1. MsPiggleWiggles +3

          Yes, the same opportunities over and over. I’m starting to spend a lot on laudanum because all they send me are recurring dreams of what the thunder said etc. Yes, between all the prisoners honey and various tinctures I’ve become a Neath junky.
          Oh and that plant can go fuck itself too. It’s not like rats on a string grow on trees.
          Always looking for partners in crime; I’m LadyLaughing stock.

    3. aqueousmedium +5

      Both the Starving Artist and his Model are turning into complete mooches for me.

      This week I waylaid some weasels, acquired a Hungover Terrier named Virtue and won a colony of Sulky Bats through some Reprehensible Lizard flinging. Liberated a Clay Man because I kind of regretted my Strong-Backed Labour due to…morals? Maybe Absolutely no qualms about allowing both the Junior Researcher in Epigraphical Mathematics and the Bursar to seduce me, however, and I look forward to my next invitation to High Table where I might have a shot at the Emeritus Professor. In the meantime I’m holed up writing a short story about love, terror, and the zee.

      (Theoretta Rizing, at your service).

    4. winterbymorning +1

      I am doing the Trade in Souls storyline and I seem to be stuck! I have “Involved in the Soul Trade” 6 and “A Merchant of Souls” 5. I’ve been in all the various neighbourhoods and the only one with a TiS option is Ladybones Road, where I can sell souls to Hell’s Fence, which I did once and it didn’t advance the styory. What should I do? I want to get the shepherd’s timepiece so I can bring back the Regretful Soldier’s Wife’s soul so I can stop getting that damn card every 10 minutes.

      1. wallofillusion +2

        I don’t remember specifically because it’s been quite some time, but usually when you’re not sure how to progress, the answer is “wait for an opportunity card.” May the blessings of the Probably Random Number Generator be with you!

    5. haliegirl +2

      I seem to be stuck at a level where I can’t progress in anything, but all the opportunity cards are doing very little for me. I get rubbery man cards quite often.

    6. spring chickens +7

      That Starving Artist is a total mooch. At least the Artist’s Model lady lets you seduce her annoying suitor which makes you more persuasive, and she is helpful when you first start going to the Shuttered Palace — but he is just a mooch.

      I just entered the Black Ribbon Duelling society but am not ready for my first duel yet so I am doing a lot of physical training on the docks. I was a big Union Sympathiser on the docks for a while which was great, but then those options disappeared. :/ I also became an experienced Arachnologist (which is disgusting do not recommend) and started my own department at the University, so it has been a successful week! Though one of our senior facility recently got gruesomely murdered through the eyeball while alone in a room lined with mirrors and locked from the inside. I had to promise to investigate despite having better things to do, though we are getting it together despite some interference from Parliament, so, a few minor bumps!

      1. gallimaufry_ +2

        I also started to become an arachnologist this week, but I was reading that text through my fingers. Spiders and eyeballs, ughhhh.

    7. elsajeni +4

      Can anyone advise me: is it worth sticking it out with the Keen-Eyed Lapidary? I played the game briefly when it first came out, and I remember having her mooch glim off me for about a hundred years and then I stopped playing. Is there actually some eventual reward? Is that reward worth the millions of glim it will take to get to it? (I’ve been discarding her, but she comes up A LOT.)

          1. dyingofthatroar +1

            Yes though it took me AGES. If you like Bizarre things. Go steal glim shipments in the Flit if you need more of it.

    8. hussified +4

      I’m so grateful that there is a Fallen London subthread every week, because it reminds me to get on my game!

    9. Sunshine +3

      I read these Fallen London posts and it sounds like a vast world of wonder, like accounts of Dwarf Fortress games (or even DF patch notes). How does it play? Is it hard to get into?

      1. viviennestreet +4

        It’s not hard to get into at all. This is from someone who tried to play Dwarf Fortress for a couple hours then gave up because it was too difficult.

        It’s kind of like a combination of a rollplaying game and a massive choose-your-own-adventure game. You make a character and gain change points (xp) by failing and succeeding at challenges, which raises your main qualities and which in turn unlock new challenges and story options. You also can make decisions which affect what stories will become available to you. It’s not something that you can sit down and play for hours at a time–you have a certain amount of actions, and once you use them up you can’t do anything until they regenerate (1 action/10 minutes).

        I’m Vivian Street on Fallen London. Look me up if you decide to start playing!

      2. craftalchemy +2

        It is a text-based browser game with glorious writing and very simple gameplay (it gives you story options, you click one, stuff happens, repeat). It’s very atmospheric, very funny, and not hard to get into, especially when you have friends to help you with social actions and provide pointers; the main downside is that it can get grindy in the mid-levels (when you’ve done the starting plot and not hit the higher-level plot yet) and towards the level cap (when you start to run out of content). It’s also free, so you have nothing to lose – except your time – by making an account and having a go http://fallenlondon.storynexus.com/

      3. wallsdonotfall +3

        You know how DF takes about sixteen menu navigation steps before you can arrange to make some cave spider silk socks or whatever? I found Fallen London to have the same level of technical tedium, except that you’re making A/B choices again and again in order to luck out/pass a skills check, and you can only do it a few times every three hours before you run out of moves. It’s not hard to get into if you’re used to the “blindly charge in and start making decisions, damn the consequences” style in DF, although here the consequences are much lighter.

        (I love DF and gave Fallen London a good two-week go from the threads here, but eventually found it so boring that I was actually mad at myself for playing it. But it is a great distraction, and clever! No real barrier to signing up and joining.)

      4. Bunburying +2

        It is essentially a text adventure game with extraordinarily good writing and world-building and very slow pacing. I would not call it “hard to get into” in the sense that, as noted by others, the gameplay itself is extremely simple, but your ability to enjoy it very much hinges on how much you love the world they’ve created and your willingness to grind to see more of it.

      5. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

        Yes, I just want to second this, DF is like … a 15 difficulty and Fallen London is like a 3. 🙂

    10. aqueousmedium +3

      Theoretical question for fans of sharp implements and burning wax: having now read the rules, do I simply await an Opportunity card to show up? Do I need to be in a particular location for this to happen?

      1. gallimaufry_ +2

        I have no idea what you’re talking about, but if I did, I’d think that eventually you get a Sense of Urgency which allows you to mount an attack. I think you usually only get one a week, unless I’m missing something (likely.)

      2. Bunburying +2

        Before you become a POSI, I think the only way to do the thing that you are definitely not doing is to wait for your weekly package that does not exist to not come in the mail, or to get 10+ connected with Criminals and wait for the opportunity card with the shady priest (love that guy, he is my bro).

        1. aqueousmedium +2

          Excellent I will not look for any weekly mail then. Can’t wait to not make the acquaintance of the shady priest, thanks!

    11. onehundredthjen +3

      I get the Starving Artist and the Artist’s Model all the time. Meh, Grover Boniface has tons of jade right now and also is always willing to beat people up so it is working for me now.

      I also joined the Black Ribbon and Knife and Candle, although I haven’t done anything with the latter yet. I finished the cheesemonger’s storyline by just murdering absolutely everyone, which got me the Uncanny Incunabulum that I needed for my ambition. And now I’m a Bringer of Death.

      I got so many Toast acquaintances at the last open thread, hooray!

    12. craftalchemy +2

      Yup! Starving Artist is all over the place.

      A tip: if you can get your hands on one of the lodgings classed as a Remote Address (a Zee-Znail Zhell, a Dripstone Temple, or the New Newgate Cellars), then all the cards classed as City Vices (including the Starving Artist) will disappear – you live too far out for people to be bothering you all the time.

      To my knowledge, the only way to get the Remote Addresses is through the special Christmas content – no money is involved, but it’s time-limited to a few weeks in Dec/Jan. Keep an eye out!

    13. gallimaufry_ +4

      I am also plagued by him, and the artist’s model. Serves me right for seducing them both.

      I found my way through the Orphanage’s Labyrinth this week – my ambition seems to be taking me to some pretty dark places – and also went mad with nightmares, which is a++, would go mad with nightmares again.

      I’m gallimaufry over there. Happy to accept all social actions etc although it would be great if everyone could PLEASE STOP STABBING ME. (j/k, I’ll stab you back another time.)

    14. embryoconcepts +2

      I feel like I’m playing a totally different game. Have only seen a brief mention of most of these. I seem to be on an Enquirer track, and am dabbling in the Great Game as well.

      1. brsanders +1

        dude dabbling in the great game and enquiring are awesome. are you poking around about creepy clathermont and his weird tattoo shop?

        I am Hemlock Cantarella in-game; always in need of acquiantaceship.

    15. hawthorn_tree +4

      I have wiped out my neighbor’s rats many, many times. I really don’t think these last few infestations were my fault.

    16. dyingofthatroar +1

      God I’ve done that card too too many times. The worst thing for me though is having an eyeless skull – I seem to get the undiscardable card about every 10th turn! But I want to go to the Cave of Nadir at some point, and I’ve gone past the point where a talkative rattus-faber would help.

  4. winterbymorning +13

    It’s been kind of a crappy week over here. Not terrible, just profoundly “meh.” The strongest emotion I can summon up about anything is ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    Husband has been under a lot of pressure at work, mainly because his boss is a complete jerk (this is the man who got mad at Husband over our Canadian Thanksgiving trip to Vermont because he felt that Husband should have spent at least one weekend day at the office even though there was nothing urgent due and no reason for anyone in their division to be working overtime at all). Husband has anxiety issues and a tendency to believe the worst of himself all too easily – we have so much in common! – so he was very frustrated and upset for most of the week. He said that he’s the least respected member of his team, nobody values his work, he may as well quit, etc. It’s hard for me to tell how much of this is true versus his anxiety talking – I’m sure he’s not actually disliked or disrespected at work, but he does tend to keep people at arms’ length, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that (combined with his sometimes palpable insecurity) created a distance between him and his colleagues.

    Over on my end, earlier this week I took a written exam for a job I had applied for and I feel like it went pretty poorly :/ I aced some of the questions, but others were very ambiguously phrased and I have no clue if my answers covered the information they were actually looking for. There were only 6 of us taking the exam, so assuming I didn’t actually make a horrible mess of things, my odds for getting an interview aren’t terrible, I guess. That would be a good opportunity to convince them in person that I am not actually an idiot.

    I also reached out to the lovely lady who interviewed me in September and told me I’d hear back “either way” by the end of October. Her reply was basically “Thanks for your interest, HR will get back to you in a week or maybe two.” Okay, but at this point we are already 2 weeks past the deadline you had initially given me, so… It was brief and impersonal, whereas we had a warm and friendly rapport at the interview. Again, idk.

    I am looking forward to a weekend of reading in bed and maybe finally calling my mom so she stops sending me passive-aggressive emails about how we never talk anymore.

    2. Steph +3

      Relatedly: no-one I know seems to have any leads on librarian jobs in Ottawa 🙁 My gentleman friend suggested, ever so helpfully, “has she tried the library of parliament?” Because clearly this is not a thing you would’ve thought of already! Geez dude. I’ll keep an ear out though, just in case.

      1. winterbymorning +4

        I really appreciate this <3

        I feel like I’ve applied to all the jobs I am qualified for (and a few that I don’t think I am, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, etc). It’s just that it takes so long to hear back from employers, especially since most of these jobs are with the government and there is so much red tape. A few years ago I applied for a job and they called to invite me to an interview 8 months later. I don’t know if I’ll be offered the job I interviewed for in September, but I would not be a bit surprised if they emailed me in February or something after months of no contact to say I got it. There’s another job I applied for over 2 months ago and it still says my application is “in process.” Meanwhile my current contract is up in 3 weeks.

        We wouldn’t starve if I didn’t work, but I would be bored out of my mind. I love what I do, and I’m good at it, so it seems very silly that all these places are hiring librarians who are not me. Or not hiring anyone because the process takes so long!

        1. Steph +2

          Yeah, government hiring moves at slower than glacier speed. My dude interviewed for the job he has I think 8 or 9 months before he was actually hired, and I thought that was ridiculous at the time. I mean it is, clearly, but it’s not wildly out of the ordinary for government stuff, and it makes job hunting ridiculous since half the city works for the government. They should be busting down doors to hire you!

    3. gallimaufry_ +6

      Oh, the passive-aggressive mom/mum emails. Every time I get one, I think it involuntarily pushes the phone call back another three days because it irritates me so much that she’s trying to play me rather than just using her words like a grown up.

      Enjoy some bed and book time. You deserve it.

    4. allanaaa +1

      Good-new-job vibes!

      Someone I graduated with just updated her linkedin to say she got a job at the library of parliament. It’s heartwarming to know other people have made something of our useless degree, but maybe not so helpful in your situation. 🙁

      Also, I have like a million LIS-related volunteering opportunities, if you want something to do with your unemployment time. Do you like editing? ‘Cause http://current.ischool.utoronto.ca/jobsite/2014/c…

  5. ejbaker13 +11

    I’m at the open thread on time! Yay!!! I have nothing of note to share this morning, except that It Was Supposed To Snow Today But Has Not, which we shall take as a blessing.

    Also, I made The Gentleman Caller watch the pilot of Twin Peaks last night, and his reaction was to say “This is a lot of hardcore emoting,” and then fall asleep. So.

    1. paddlepickle +9

      To be fair, the first episode of Twin Peaks is. . .a lot of hardcore emoting. I didn’t really get into it till the second episode. Make him watch that one and if he doesn’t like it, then you should probably dump him. But not before that.

    2. winterbymorning +7

      I have been watching Twin Peaks with my husband over the past few weeks and I have to admit I am taken aback by the force of my attraction to Young Kyle MacLachlan. So earnest! So winsome! That slick hair!

      1. angryporcupine +7

        OH MY GOD RIGHT?! I have also been binge-watching it for the last few weeks and the man is just straight-up dreamy. Even when he’s giving awkward thumbs-ups and drinking warm milk before bed and whatever. Don’t care. Want to bang.

    3. Sunshine +3

      I have a completely different image of your MAN saying “This is far too much emotion. I’m going out to chop some logs.”

      1. ejbaker13 +4

        He’s otherwise very lovely, and in his defense, he has a sort of inadequate sleep schedule, so I think I’ll let it slide.

    6. franceschances +1

      My feelings about Twin Peaks are as follows: So good! But…..why does Laura’s killer get let off the hook so easily?

    1. Goomaly +3

      Wait a minute, I just started reading that completely at random. What is this thing I’ve never heard of that dares to exist?

      1. breakdownhat +5

        Modern-day lesbian vampires in the style of the Lizzie Bennet Diaries. It’s pretty awesome.

    2. coloredlights +1

      I’m watching! Last night’s episode was a little upsetting, in several directions…

      (I ship everyone.)

  7. deleted7410012 +11

    bartender, that looks so damn good. i love me some capers.

    i am trying to get my apartment looking nice before thanksgiving, even though that’s pretty much an arbitrary deadline. i did the bus-trip-of-death to ikea (nothin like hauling back 45lbs of particle board on the bus by yourself!) but i put together shelves and some other stuff and it’s got me in full nesting mode. i did a huge clean-out of my closet and my bookshelves and have bags of stuff to sell at exchange stores or to donate. and now my apartment looks organized! i no longer use my couch as a dresser! i now own a shoe rack and feel marginally more like an adult!

    1. Goomaly +4

      On the bus! That’s dedication!

      Myself I use a cheapass Target bookcase for my shoes. Well, the bottom two shelves anyways. I regret nothing.

      1. deleted7410012 +8

        it’s a trek, but then i feel so self-sufficient and badass once i’ve done it and assembled my furniture like a boss.

        also, no regrets no shame about misappropriating furniture. part of my bookshelf system is three cheap-y nightstands stuck together. anything is whatever you want it to be when it comes to furniture.

        1. Fazakerly +4

          I tried riding my bike to IKEA once, and of course they didn’t have any bike parking. It was an attempt not to be seduced into buying more than I could fit in my messenger bag.

          1. deleted7410012 +6

            that’s crazy, because the ikea i go to has copious bike parking and i think “who would ride their bike to ikea???” and then i think “employees, and also the same kind of people who are crazy enough to take the bus to ikea but also own a bike.”

    2. akuonzoom +2

      You are AMAZING, and this makes me think there should be a Bay Area Toasties IKEA support group? Carpools and building help and lingonberry jam for all.

  8. anninyn +21

    Friday Cat Thread!

    This week I give you Anne being lazy and possessive

    And Bonny being… Bonny, I guess

    They’ve been stuck inside because the weather has been appalling, so there have been playfights that have turned into growling and hissing.

    2. m98widow +20

      We tried to put claw caps on our Siamese last night because she destroys everything, including our doors and woodwork. Within ten minutes she had removed 8 out of 10 of them and now has what appears to be a pink cocaine nail on each foot.

      I think we need to either use more glue or get the small size.

      1. CleverManka +3

        I used the size smalls on my full-grown kitty. TBH, I can’t imagine the size cat that would use a larger size. Be careful with using too much glue because if it seeps out the top it can glue their toe fur together and that’s no fun for anybody.

    3. everyspacehasasound +26

      It’s starting to cool off a tiny bit here (read: low 70s) and my cats have begun the process of sucking the body heat out of everyone around them

    4. haliegirl +36

      Here is Oliver, sadly lacking in legs to scratch his relatively new scratching post. So sad these legless cats that seem to crop up more often in cold weather. What is this world coming to?
      Oliver loaf

      2. Es_Petal +21

        What’s really funny is when they lose their legs and then you go and pat them on the head when they really don’t want to be patted, but they don’t want to regain their legs.

      3. danceintrees +4

        Alas, poor legless kitty! My first beloved best-friend-cat when I was very small was named Oliver, so now I have a soft spot for all feline Olivers.

    5. aravisthequeen +14

      My monsters had their annual vet exam last night! Aside from the screeching and yowling that lasted the entire car ride, they were very good for the vet–no hissing (which was fucking crappy because every time we look at their teeth you’d think we were killing them with sticks, but the vet pries their mouth open and they PURR), they didn’t even flinch for their shots, and the vet complimented how lovely their teeth and ears and fur looked. They are in perfect health! Except for the one who’s a half-pound to a pound overweight, and the recommendation is to force her to run stairs.

      So last night we tossed her favourite toy up and down the stairs. She did it twice, then lay down on the middle of the stairs and looked at us like “Fine. You guys can throw that thing around, but I’m done.” Lazy butt.

      1. Es_Petal +9

        I had such a struggle to get fatboy to exercise. There’s only so much you can restrict food, after all, and he had a kilo to lose. I can stack toys on him, poke him with sticks (as in, the stick bits of the fishing rod style toys), and he just sits and occasionally waves a paw in the general direction of whatever I’m prodding him with.

    6. Es_Petal +18

      I have had the gentleman caller visiting this week (he went home yesterday) and Captain decided he belonged to him. Bloody treacherous cat, took him 6 years to sit on my lap!!

      Treacherous cat

    8. houblonchouffe +10

      I found out A Thing yesterday!

      I have always thought that my Diesel-cat was a bit peculiar. He knocks individual bits of dry food out of his bowl and onto the floor prior to eating them, and sticks his paw into his water dish to get drinks. Turns out that is actually a thing! His dishes are narrow/deep enough that in order to get to his food and water, it bugs his whiskers! Which makes perfect sense but had never occurred to me.

      1. Es_Petal +9

        Oh, interesting! I would wonder if that was why Saffron paddles in her water dish and drinks off her paw, but she then drinks like this which has much less room for her whiskers. She empties the bowl into the baking tray by paddling – which is why the baking tray is there, because otherwise she just soaks the carpet.

        The water tastes better out of the baking tray.

        1. lemonadefish +6

          My orange cat will empty a bowl of water immediately. But if you give her a glass of water instead, she just drinks out of it. No explAination offered.

          1. Es_Petal +6

            I stopped having a glass of water by my bed and changed to a bottle when I caught her dipping her paw into it…

        2. haliegirl +6

          Oliver likes to whack his water bowl and get water everywhere, but our theory is that he just likes to watch the way the water moves.

    9. dakimel +18

      Patrick, taking a nap inside the bass drum, because he really wants me to torture him with Rush-style solos.

    10. lemonadefish +3

      Two nights ago the upstairs cat (as opposed to the free-pooping lives-in-the-garage-now cat) finally discovered the crib. I’ve shooed her out five times now. Is she going to suffocate or bewitch my baby? If yes, then I’ll have to put the litter box back in the living room. I don’t prefer this, but it’s better than a suffocated baby.

  9. pamplemoussi +142

    Oh hooray I am here on time today!

    I just wanted to say that I got MARRIED on Saturday! And it all went so well and all those stress dreams about losing my dress/people not showing up/the restaurant losing our reservation were all for naught and everything went perfectly. And we got to do it the way we wanted, with just 30 people and city hall and ahhh.

    And now I feel no different, but I do enjoy saying “husband” instead of “boyfriend”. It just sounds so much more accurate.

    9. rallisaurus +3

      Congratulations! I think my court house wedding was capped at 20 something, you must have a spacious city hall! But hoorary for small weddings!

      1. winterbymorning +2

        Ours was capped at 10, including the couple AND the officiant, because they only do weddings in one of two tiny little rooms.

  10. GreenGrasses +12

    Before Thanksgiving? I would like to start paying off my new (and beautiful) commuter bike!!

    Unrelated: Last night I watched the first episode of a show called Salem that I found on Netflix. It’s about a lady in old-timey Salem that got pregnant by a dude who then went off to war. The lady and Tituba (yes, that Tituba) go into the woods and the lady gets a devil abortion and becomes a powerful witch (as in, if you give your unborn baby to the devil he’ll make you awesome). With her new powers, Ms. Witch rules over Salem with impunity and it’s awesome. Near the end of the episode, both her assumed-dead lover returns and Cotton Mather shows up in town. I am hesitant to continue watching because I realized that I basically just want a show about a successful witch hanging out in Salem controlling people with her magical toad friend and her incredible dresses. Sadly, I think it’ll probably be like “oh lover I love you but now I’m a witch and I don’t know what to do!” which is BORING and STUPID.

    1. ejbaker13 +4

      My cousin’s wife plays Tituba in that show, and my cousin plays “Isaac Walton” (according to IMDB, I’ve actually never watched it). Having actor relatives is sort of surreal.

      1. huntress wizard +3

        Ooh, neat! I will probably never get around to Salem but I looooooooved her work on Revenge.

    2. ach_so +2

      Ooh, a friend of a friend mentioned on Facebook recently that he’s working on that show. Now I want to watch it!

  11. hugpunch +1

    Has anyone watched “Wentworth” on Netflix? Or any Aussies watched it as “Prisoner”? I’m digging it.

  12. deleted9457019 +13

    EXTREMELY EXCITE for Pains of Being Pure at Heart and New Pornographers tonight! Like, I always felt that “Pretty Hurts” was the song that best described my life, but now I think it’s “Champions of Red Wine.”

  13. anninyn +58

    Thanks again to everyone who was so kind to me last week. The instability has passed – I’m still low, but no longer in danger.

    3. paperbgprincess +7

      I’m so glad you wrote an update! I was thinking about you this week. I’m happy you’re doing a little better and remember we’re always here to listen.

    5. jenavira +2

      So glad you’re feeling better. This is a rough time of year, don’t forget to take care of yourself.

  14. BourneApprox +18

    Any other Toast ladies completely CANNOT WAIT for Dragon Age: Inquisition next Tuesday?? I’ve waited a year and a half for this, so you’d think I could wait 4 more days, but instead the inside of my brain is like this right now:

    Been playing The Last Court here, and think I’m ready for the Divine. Also totally managed to get the Bard in my bed (hot), and have defeated various sources of insurgency and arcane threat. Ended up really enjoying it in the end (and given that it’s by Failbetter, I’ll probably come join you Fallen London folks when I’m done playing this?).

    Arrgghh, why is it not here now. What are your intended Inquisitors, and who are they gonna bang? (Qunari Lady Mage, and either Blackwall or Bull here!)

    1. deleted8734219 +8

      YAAAAAASSS YOU BEAT ME TO IT. I started playing da:o in September and am just JUST going to finish da2 in time for tuesday. SO! EXCITED! I am so stoked to build a female qunari and have her wreak havoc all over thedas but I think, true to my other playthrus, I am gonna have to start with a female human mage so I can romance Josephine and have a lovely lady love by proxy before my next playthru tries to romance the Bull.

      I WILL REPLY TO EVERY COMMENT IN THIS THREAD I LOVE GAME I LOVE BIOWARE I HOPE THEY DIDN’T FUCK IT UP

      1. BourneApprox +4

        <3 <3 <3!! Are you playing the DLC for DA2 at all? If you have time, Legacy is super-duper cool, and may have some plot relevance for Inquisition!

        Josephine looks absolutely lovely, and I really can’t say no to Bull’s Freddie Prinze Jr. with a Sean Connery accent. But Blackwall is a stoic loner and I have a hard problem resisting that and plus he’s hot. Gameinformer had a mostly spoiler-free breakdown of all the romances in the game last night, and argh, each and every one of them looks amazing. I must make a human or elf lady to pick up Cullen next time, and then a guy to get Dorian, but Cass is a total badass and beautiful too, and Sera is adorable and apparently obsessed with butts, and I wanna know what’s going on with Solas and aaaaaaaaah- Also, tiny spoilers: apparently there’s actual nudity this time. :O

        The reviews for the game have been really really positive, so it sounds like BioWare really knocked it out of the park this time. *HYPE*

        1. deleted8734219 +6

          Oh no???? Oh no I think all my planned inquisitors are ladies? But I have to romance Dorian at some point, and I think a Bull playthru with a wee elven lad would be hilarious. How many times will I have to play this game? Is there another game on the planet? Gosh. TUESDAY.

          I have an inspired dislike for Cullen but all the others I want to romance, also. Romance all of them??? My main complaint about Mass Effect has always been that there’s no way monogamy is still normative in the 22nd century, but I guess I can’t make the same argument about Dragon Age. Alas, alack.

          One of my friends is All About the Iron Bull and has been delightedly reminding me about the possibility of Bull Nudity for weeks. FPJ’s twitter has seemed equally delighted. What a fun fandom 😀

          1. BourneApprox +5

            8 Total Romances – Cullen = 7 Total Playthroughs * 80 hours on average = 560 hours = 23.3 days to finish the entire game. With two of those male-only (Dorian + Cass), that equals 2 male and 5 female Inquisitors, if you’re going for max Femquisitor.

            My god.

            FPJ has been so damn enthusiastic about his role in the game, and it’s been so cute to watch. He and Josephine’s voice actress (Allegra Clark) were fighting on twitter over who should get a copy first, comparing their characters’ sexual prowess, etc. It was amazing.

          2. deleted8734219 +3

            Oh yes. I saw that. I saw that and then I hid under my desk. Awful. It’s so great that they’re involved in their characters but the rest of us have to suffer through that intolerable cuteness and all of my time previously allotted to productivity is OUT THE WINDOW.

            That seems like a totally reasonable way to spend 23.3 days and the fact that I think that is in no way indicative of a problem.

          3. literarysara +4

            I do wish you could romance more than one character per game. You sorta can in DA:2 if you hook up with Isabella first, and you sorta can in the Mass Effects if you pursue flirtations with a couple of characters who don’t seem to have romance flags. There were a couple of times I thought I could get away with romancing multiple squad members–ME2 sometimes bugs out and allows you to pursue a different romance after the suicide mission, but only the latter one will import to ME3. And when I was doing my Paragon Broshep ME3 playthrough, I found that selecting all Paragon dialogue options led me to instigate romances with Ashley, Miranda, Diana, and Liara. I had no idea who was going to visit me before the final mission.

            I imagine it would take a whole other CD to keep two romances going in tandem. But as a player I feel really emotionally invested in nearly all the squadmates, so it’s very hard to choose just one. Especially if you have to hurt someone else’s feelings! (Liara’s stern voice when she found out my Neutral FemShep hooked up with Thane in the hospital! I almost cried!)

          4. BourneApprox +3

            Oh yeah, I did the exact same thing with Isabela in DA2, before moving on to Anders. ME3 was particularly militant about “locking in” romances as well, so that after a certain point you weren’t allowed to flirt with anyone else. I think someone was saying that Inquisition is pretty good about telling you whom you’re starting a relationship with (like, it will say “Select this option to start a relationship with the Bull!”), so at least there’ll be more transparency than usual, as opposed to “LELIANA WE WERE NEVER DATING SO PLEASE STOP WATCHING ME SLEEP.” Dunno how breaking up / starting a new romance will work, though! Hope I can work my way through the entire Skyhold like a boss. A giant horny boss.

          5. deleted8734219 +2

            Oh dear, that was a break in the mold. I was romancing Alistair in da:o and leliana just fell in love with me anyway??? truly magical. I briefly thought I could court them both but then they made me choose. Cruelty.

          6. deleted8734219 +1

            This is true! I guess doing it in phases? But it feels shitty to me to romance one person and then switch partway through when they’re still in your party. I think the AI has more feelings than it probably actually does.

            Yeah, that’s why I can’t even switch romances between games. My three ME playthrus, I romanced only Garrus for ME2 and 3, and then only loser Alenko for ME 1 and 3, and now Liara for 1 and 3 again. I just skip the romance for the game that’s inconsistent. I seem to be wired for this in-game monogamy if only it means I don’t have to deal with the heartbreak.

          7. literarysara +1

            He is kind of a loser, isn’t he? I don’t dislike him, and in fact I saved his life at Virmire once or twice because he isn’t a spaceracist, but after playing through ME3 with him a couple of times I… stopped doing that.

    2. literarysara +5

      I’ve been looking forward to Inquisition, but I just saw the Kotaku review of it this week, and I forwarded it to my fellow DA fan with the subject heading OH CRAP. We are both in very busy seasons of our school/jobs right now, and despair. Fortunately I don’t mind spoilers too much–reading about other people’s adventures will just keep my appetite whetted for when I finally turn in some big projects and can lose myself in hours of beautiful gameplay.

      LOVE the ladyqunari horns. Very excited to see more of this universe come to life.

      1. BourneApprox +6

        Haaah, oh man, sympathies. That was me when Skyrim came out three years ago and I was busy studying for my thesis defense. It sounds like it’ll make the perfect Winter Vacation game, at least!

    3. octopoda +4

      Yup, very excited. I’ve been kind of avoiding media on it so it makes the time go by easier. By the way I got Endless Legend and Sunless Sea, ha. Both are pretty fun, Sunless Sea needs a little more polish (it is very difficult when you start) but seems like it will be fun.

      1. BourneApprox +2

        That is a very wise plan, which I wish I had the self-control to follow. The threat of encroaching spoilers has mostly driven me offline, at least, so in theory I can at least get SOME chores and work done before then. (Sigh…no…)

        Glad to hear about Sunless Sea! It looks like it’s due to come out for realsies early next year, so I’ll likely pick it up then, once that last bit of polish is there!

    4. anninyn +4

      Qunari lady warrior, and god, I don’t know, whoever appeals most to the person I’m playing her as, I guess?

      1. BourneApprox +5

        Yeah, my plans will almost certainly get changed when I actually play the game. I remember starting Origins and thinking that Alistair was kind of a ridiculous bro, and next thing I knew I was sighing and telling him he was handsome, etc. etc.

    5. haliegirl +3

      I am right there with you! This is my state of mind at the moment: This is me

      I am still grieving the fact that I won’t be able to romance Varric, he is my favorite forever. I’m thinking probably Iron Bull or Josephine will have to be my back up plans.

      1. BourneApprox +3

        Ahahaha, that comic could have been written about me as well. Dragon Age Inquisition Dragon Age Inquisition Dragon Age Inquisition.

        Oh man, I’ve got sad news for you, though, if you don’t mind a tiny spoiler. Vivienne will apparently not be a romance option. I guess she’s out of the Inquisitor’s league, just like Varric was. (Sadness…) Maybe my Inquisitrix will end up rolling with Varric, Vivienne, and the guy-only-option Dorian for Team Sexual Frustration.

        1. haliegirl +3

          I just realized that and went back and edited my comment. Also, I went and read the game informer article and now I’m going to have to add Blackwall to my list as well. So many necessary playthroughs, so little time with being a responsible adult…

          1. BourneApprox +3

            I, um, may be taking a day or two off work to mainline it. Apparently most of the reviewers took 80 hours or so to complete the game, and didn’t do nearly close to all the sidequests, so this may end up becoming a bit of Problem for me ahahaha.

            Josephine’s accent is so goddamn seductive.

          2. haliegirl +2

            I am taking a day and a half off, even though I know it will be not nearly enough time to even get into the game. I am seriously considering seeing if there is a midnight release…

          3. BourneApprox +1

            The joys of PC/digital gaming: my game is currently preloading on Origin as we speak, and will be ready at midnight on Tuesday, eee. It’s hard to beat actually going in person to pick something up with other people, though.

          5. BourneApprox +1

            At least for Origin, yeah!  Warning: if you get the Deluxe edition, it comes with the soundtrack, and I think the titles are a teeeeny bit spoilery (shall leave it buried in my Origin folder for the next few weeks…).

          6. kirpunz +3

            I am taking the week of (american) thanksgiving off, and the Friday before is my compressed day off. And also abandoning all worldly responsibilities. So excited!

    6. Atalanta_Is +4

      Playthrough 1: QUNARI LADY MAGE, and Sera

      Playthrough 2: elf rogue; possibly male, depending on how much the male voice actor bothers me (I enjoy doing Everyone Is Gay playthroughs when I’m allowed to, but if the voice actor sounds wrong, I won’t be able to make it through); IRON BULLLLLLL.

      this comic pretty much sums up my feelings about Iron Bull, heh.

    7. ChloeKEvil +4

      I finally got my pre-order set up yesterday (I would like to thank my brother for giving me the money and being the BEST BRO EVER oh my god) and that kind of vaulted me into holy shit I need it now territory. Turning on my ps3 and seeing the special dash theme is NOT HELPING.

      I invited a sketchy forest demon to the feast with the Divine, I see no way this can go wrong! And I just tracked down the person behind the nine-fingered agitator and I’m mad >:| what a dick. Don’t poison my dowager!

      I’m playing to play a male qunari mage, banging either Dorian or Iron Bull.

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Hooray for the preorder!  (Runs and checks on her preload!)  And for hot Qunari-on-Qunari action!  (Or improved Tevinter/Qunari relations!  Actually, that should be a really interesting relationship either way.)  

        I was really happy when I managed to track down the Instigator, and happy that I didn’t try make one earlier decision with them.  I really wanna see what happens at the final feast, between the demon, the anchoress, and my hot bard lover.  And the Divine is tooootally gonna figure out that I broke into the chantry, gulp.

        1. ChloeKEvil +1

          I just had my feast and gained a most satisfactory ending! I feel very accomplished. She did disapprove of the chantry thing, but everything else worked out okay and Serault is totally awesome now.

          I kind of wish I’d let the horned knight give her his present, though. Even if it would have gotten me hella murdered by Templars.

          1. BourneApprox +1

            (Okay, I’m totally gonna let him give the gift now.)

            One day to go, and I’m at 100/100/100 Freedom/Dignity/Prosperity!  Kinda don’t wanna touch the game now, just to preserve that.

          2. ChloeKEvil +2

            (OMG tell me how that goes I REALLY WANT TO KNOW)

            ahhh wow I don’t think I ever ended up that high! My freedom was, uh, lowish the whole game, but I did make it to Justly Governed. My Dignity and Prosperity both maxed out, though.

          3. BourneApprox +1

            Just finished! I made the mistake of previewing the Knight’s uh, gift (and what a gift it was!), and then the game wouldn’t let me give it to the Divine afterwards, damn! So now we’ll never know. Serrault’s honor is restored, however, and I smashed a mask on the ground and everyone thought it was totally badass.

    8. coloredlights +5

      Yesssss I preordered it earlier this week and am excited for it to magically turn up at my office!

      Can’t decide whether to start Inquisition as a mage or a rogue. I’m currently finishing DA2 as a mage and love it, but it’s infuriating to not be able to pick locks and open chests! Also rogue clothes look much cooler than mage clothes (why are they all dresses) …Those are probably terrible reasons to switch to rogue.

      I will definitely be romancing one of the ladies, but I have to see which is most interesting before I can really decide.

      I have 2 market days left in The Last Court and feel very un-ready for the Divine. Regularly having problems with Rumors of Revolution (what? anarchy is fun). Invited the Horned Knight to the Feast – that shouldn’t cause any problems, right?

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Mage clothes are better this time! They don’t just look like terrible pajama robes! (Still plenty of fabulously stupid hats, though!) Apparently there are doors and other stuff that only mages or warriors can open, too, so rogues are sliiiightly less unbelievably essential. I still intend on keeping Varric in my party for the entire goddamn game, though, much like in DA2.

        The Baron is pretty good at reducing your Rumors of Revolution, if you don’t want to totally burn the place to the ground. Just give him some clues and he’ll know what to do. My biggest problem in the game was completely losing my Dignity when I tried to talk to the Well-Read Pig Farmer. But she was soo cooool!

    9. kirpunz +4

      Hooray for lady gamers! I am starting this at midnight of release and am going to be absolutely obnoxious to live with until then. I am starting with a human rouge romancing Cullen. I was overwhelmed by the choices, but I will get to them all eventually. I also want to go in blind and this way if I make choices I regret I won’t care so much.

      The multiplayer also looks pretty cool. The Keep is fun and I love that I could make an asshole playthrough of DA:O and DA2 without having to actually do it.

      In the Last Court I have enough stuff to get a good ending but have 3 health, 100 peril, and 100 revolution. Sooo, that should be interesting.

      In conclusion: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

      1. BourneApprox +1

        Yeah, games with choice are ones I tend to avoid spoilers on, since I want to make decisions without knowing the conclusion. Freedom to totally mess up Thedas, woohoo! I am firm in my resolution to play Qunari first, but Cullen’s stupid handsome face has made that difficult. Apparently you can still flirt with him if you’re a guy or qunari/dwarf lady, though, so that’s nice. *Inquisitor Adaar gets served with a sexual harassment lawsuit.*

        Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    10. Angelan_ +3

      My PC is fiiixed, but I’m in europe so I have to wait until Fridaaay, and then I’m away from my PC til sunday so it’s foreeeveeerrr! 🙁 🙁 I hope everyone posts their inquisitors in the friday thread so I can look on in awe! 😀

      1. BourneApprox +3

        I fully intend on starting a Cocktail Hour thread on that very subject next Friday, and shall post my Adaar in all her glory! 🙂

        1. Angelan_ +3

          Yesssss! Looking forward to seeing people put the character creator through its paces :D.

          I’m planning to make a “why yes, I AM the herald of Andraste! Gosh, I suppose everything I want to do MUST be the will of the Divine, then! A giant gold statue of me? Well, I suppose, if you INSIST…” human playthrough. She will be both adorable and The Worst.

          1. BourneApprox +2

            That sounds like Patrick Weekes’ Assquisitor! (Despite tumblr name, no spoilers in Assquistor saga.) That’s what my second game will be. Gonna mess Thedas UP.

  15. bpym28 +24

    ELIZABETH GASKELL you guys. I am about a hundred pages from the end of Wives and Daughters, and I have just been loving it. So many good morally ambiguous female characters, so smart about class and hypocrisy and families. It has redeemed my subway commute for a good month. Next up is Hild, which I am very excited for. What good late autumn books are you immersing yourselves in? Now that the polar vortex is approaching, I may have to re-read Kristen Lavransdatter.

    2. thirtyhelens +5

      I only ever lurk but have to reply because I think we are reading twins! I read Wives and Daughters earlier this year, it for sure doesn’t get enough love among 19th century lady-novel readers.
      And Hild was my revelation of the year, so good I started my own outline and notes for an early-middle-ages historical novel. I picked up Kristin Lavransdatter after that, but then recommended it to a friend and they requested it from the library and stole it in the middle of The Wife. I’m sure you’ve already read it, but if you like those you will probably enjoy Jane Smiley’s Greenlanders.

      1. bpym28 +2

        We ARE reading twins! I love, love, loved Greenlanders. I read it in the midst of a sweltering August, so it was the perfect escapist read. After Hild, I am trying to get my hands on a copy of Sylvia Townsend Warner’s The Corner That Held Them, about eighty years in the life of a fourteenth-century nunnery.

    3. dakimel +3

      I’m in the middle of Marilynne Robinson’s LILA, and the only thing stopping me from reading it in one sitting is that then it would be done. Also, there are some passages that are so goddamn beautiful and small and giant and intense that I have to hold my breath during them, so if I read the whole thing at once I would literally die.

    4. HotDoom +5

      I love E. Gaskell! I’ve only read North and South, though, so Wives and Daughters should be next on the list. I am in the middle of Hild, which I was really excited about and it IS great, but it’s taken me like, a month to read half of it. I took a break last week to read Outlander, which, unlike Hild, goes down like hot buttah. I realised last night that I totally enjoy reading it, but it reminds me of Lord of the Rings in its pacing, ie. slow. Might just be me. Next up is Winter Ghosts by Kate Mosse, because I love spooky and/or ye oldey this time of year.

    5. Either_Ada +7

      ELIZABETH GASKELL, indeed! I think I have decided that she is my favorite Victorian author, all the Brontes be damned. Ruth might be my most beloved, though–the last time I read it, it was the third or fourth time through, but that didn’t stop me from blubbering copiously when I read the ending on the T. SO MUCH GENEROSITY AND LOVE AND EMPATHY AND TRAGEDY. It makes my tiny black heart burst!

    6. msjinxie +8

      Gaskell! I’ve only read Cranford and am working my way through North and South (via the CraftLit podcast) and I love it/her so so much. Her writing is so surprising to me – it’s just so…fresh? maybe? It’s not at all what I expected based on what little I knew of her, which – now I’m mad that Gaskell isn’t taught in schools the way Austen or the Brontes are.

    7. WanderingDancer +5

      I just started reading Njál’s Saga, or The Story of Burnt Njal, as the Victorian translator put it. The web of characters is growing (so many sons and daughters and other kinsfolk to keep track of!), but the characters are deliciously vengeful and murderous.

      I’m also constantly impressed by the levels of female agency that go on in many of the old Norse sagas. About six pages in, the mother of the queen of Norway basically tells a visiting Icelander that he and she should spend the next two weeks drinking and having sex, he tells her that she will have her will, and they spend two weeks holed up at her place. Sometimes the women are petty or silly, but no more so than the men, and their decisions drive the plot just as much as men’s do. Basically, the sex and the violence and the terrible life decisions are wonderfully equally distributed across the genders, and it makes an already delicious soap opera even better.

    9. Nausikaa +1

      Yes! Love it. I think Cynthia might just possibly be the best-written character in all of literature.

    10. MmeSiniichulok +6

      Ohh!! I love Wives and Daughters!! It’s such a perfect psychological portrait of a family with a toxic member at its core (the mother/stepmother). I also love Kristen Lavransdatter–M. Siniichulok got me the Nunnally translation as a sort of push present and it’s been 16 months and I STILL haven’t read it. I can’t wait to find out what/who Hild is. I’ve been rereading The Oracle Glass by Judith Merkle Riley as though I could dive into its pages and live in there, it’s so good, even though the Affair of the Poisons probably wasn’t so easy to live through.

    11. SmrtCookie +1

      My library- my large library in a large and library loving town- doesn’t have Wives and Daughters! You guys, booooo!

      1. silverandsnow +1

        Do you have an e-reader of some sort? Her books are free downloads (got mine through iBooks, and Amazon also has them).

  16. Räven +8

    Toastadas, I would like to learn enough Arabic to read the Koran and, possibly, the newspaper (in all cases, with a dictionary). That is: a basic grasp of reading, grammar, and vocabulary; speaking would be frosting on the cupcake, but unfrosted cake would be fine. What would you recommend as a course of instruction? (Online? In-person? I reside in a Major Metro Area.)

    1. Goomaly +1

      how about a software package? I’ve been considering Fluenzy for Spanish, maybe they have an Arabic one.

      1. Räven +1

        Thanks, I haven’t heard of them before. They seem to do Major Romance Languages plus Mandarin; perhaps they’ll keep adding more.

    2. spring chickens +5

      I think in-person is indispensable, at least for the first course you do. After that, you can brush up on your own. But so much of learning a language is cultural, and also having the very basic rudiments of what words sound like out loud (even if you do not plan to produce those sounds yourself, but can just know/get the right idea correctly the first time) is important — and it would give you the option of listening to news too. Plus, learning in-person gives you encouragement, commitment, and a feedback loop, so you don’t learn things incorrectly and have to unlearn. In short, major, major preference for doing your first class in-person.

      Don’t know your area, but lots of universities shave good cheap evening classes, and my area at least also has an excellent Adult Education center. Classes are often just a few months — an easy way in!

      p.s. full disclosure I say this having been a foreign language instructor as well as a speaker of 5-6 languages, 4 fluently, 2 decently, so I spend a lot of time thinking about language acquisition & maintenance.

      1. Räven +2

        I agree that committing to show up for a class is an excellent maneuver and one that I’m open to. I know I respond well to the public accountability of a course, too. If there were continuing-ed seminars like “Let’s learn 25 kanji a week” or “Let’s read 200 lines of Homer a week”, I would SO sign up for both of those.

    3. Mrs_Olinski +5

      That is an ambitious goal! Koranic Arabic is HARD, as it is a pretty-old religious text full of words people don’t use anymore and also lots and lots of metaphor/abstraction/hard to translate concepts. In my experience, you have to do at least a few semesters of modern standard arabic (what they write the newspaper in) before doing classical Arabic. I would also recommend in-person instruction. Talking through the material makes it much easier to actually retain. Unless you are really boss at learning hard languages (in which case go you!) I don’t think online courses cut it.

      1. Räven +1

        Thank you for that perspective! I am in fact pretty boss at hard languages (I am way more frightened of making Smalltalk about the Weather than of adding a new classical language), but good to know that I will probably arrive at this via some time spent with modern standard. And I think everyone is making good points about live instruction, which I’m happy to pursue.

    4. coloredlights +2

      Gosh, I took four years of Arabic, with top grades in my classes, at a university famed for foreign languages and still was nowhere near that level. Well, I could probably have read a newspaper article. You’re ambitious!

      I think you can teach yourself the alphabet with written instruction materials. Anything beyond that, I agree with everyone saying that in-person instruction is by far the best.

      1. Räven +2

        I am ambitious! But after all, people do learn it, it can be done. I guess what I’m hearing is that everyone learns modern standard first and works back to classical (so, nothing like Greek where you do ancient OR modern as if they were unrelated skills). It’s okay. I have plenty of time.

  17. lyetteann +13

    Etsy thread! Do you have a shop? Do you have a favorite shop? Pimp them here! The holidays are coming, let’s support some independent businesspeople!

    Our own Bergy’s jewelry & misandry emporium: Mic Drop Design

    My comic book-themed purses and wallets: Olivette Designs

    My favorite soapmaker: Paintbox Soapworks

    Now you go!

    2. PonyAlong +8

      As a starving artist (without an Etsy shop but it’s coming, I swear), THANK YOU for posting these links and a big thank you to The Toast for allowing it! Every benefactor counts!

    3. GreenGrasses +4

      My good friend Erin makes animal drawings/cards and little adorable felt “chubbikins” – etsy.com/erinaellis.

        1. GreenGrasses +1

          I know right?? Sometimes she asks for suggestions of what to draw next but I feel like I could never come up with anything this amazing.

    5. sagerenee +2

      Mild Horn Tooting: I have a shop filled mostly with vintage apparel and things of that nature but also with hats that I make so I don’t go crazy at the desk job. http://reneesance.etsy.com

      Friend shop: An amazing shop full of lovely artworks bye Autumn Kulaga who is mad talented https://www.etsy.com/shop/encephaloStudios?ref=sh… Also the name of the shop is Encephalo Studios which makes me happy.

    6. haliegirl +3

      Soap! Also, jewelry and misandry is the best sort of emporium ever.

      Two college friends and I have a shop that we sometimes remember to restock and constantly talk about how we’re going to be better about restocking: Biothreads Collective

      I should also point out another shop that is run by a friend of my family who is an awesome jeweler and has cool dogs and a really talented chef partner: Serendip Designs

    7. jackalopeia +3

      I have a jewelry shop full of weird shit, and Toasties outside the UK who want to buy Christmas presents from it should get on that ASAP! Customs, you know. (I’m thinking of doing a one-day sale sometime next week, which I’ll announce on Facebook when the time comes.)

    8. winterbymorning +1

      I ordered two necklaces from Calico Garden (or Gardens?) recently and they arrived very fast and I’ve been getting compliments on them all over the place.

    10. StillT +2

      Mine – https://www.etsy.com/shop/IStitchforCharity – mostly just little cross stitch items designed/made by me and the fiancee.

      One of my favorites – https://www.etsy.com/shop/NaturalHistoryBees – Not much there at the moment, because she just moved cross-country, but she’s a beekeeper and soap maker who makes the most delicious-smelling and beautiful soaps. I’ve bought pumpkin spice (https://www.etsy.com/transaction/156677095) and basil/lime (https://www.etsy.com/transaction/136599925) from her and both were amazing.

    12. GreenGrasses +2

      Oh, also, I am very very happy (as anyone who follows me on Tumblr knows) with my moon phase undies from Serpent & Bow, and everything else they sell is amazing too:
      https://www.etsy.com/shop/SerpentandBow/

    13. Räven +3

      Owl la Mode makes beautiful and bird-friendly fascinators, headbands and hats: http://www.etsy.com/shop/owllamode

      Western New York Book Art Collaborative do some great letterpress posters and cards: http://www.etsy.com/shop/wnybac

    14. shinkickmorning +1

      A friend sells cookies via etsy and they’re AMAZING. https://www.etsy.com/shop/startswithaT I can’t recommend them enough, especially the Apple Pie Snickerdoodles, which are November only.

      Also tons of people have said that the 3 month cookie subscription is an awesome gift to give.

    15. CleverManka +1

      My shop’s empty at the moment, but I’m putting up some listings tomorrow, so check back late Saturday or on Sunday!
      https://www.etsy.com/shop/BloomerShop

    16. Es_Petal +1

      Beautiful stuff, UK-based, made by a friend of mine, good for Christmas presents and whatnot. I wish I knew people who would use these handbound books, I want to buy all of them!
      https://www.etsy.com/shop/CathouseCreatives

    17. wickedtongue

      My friend sells amazing cards on her Etsy shop, and I know she’s working on some holiday cards! She will also do custom work (Full disclosure: she designed my wedding invitations based off the 1963 cover art of A Wrinkle in Time, and they were awesome.)

      Check out her shop here: Lazy Friend Cards

    18. Brunhildenburg +1

      Friend shop, hammered silver jewelry: https://www.etsy.com/shop/PrometheanDesign

      And my favorite sparkly earrings: https://www.etsy.com/shop/BonitaBellita

      1. Brunhildenburg +1

        Oh, and my friend makes comics that make me laugh https://www.etsy.com/shop/WilliamHack

        And my buddies make jewelry out of recycled music instrument parts https://www.etsy.com/shop/UpBeatAccents

    20. longlostlullaby +1

      More misandrist etsy shop recommendations please! I’ll share my favorite Feminist Killjoy banner: https://www.etsy.com/listing/122447766/custom-col…

      And it’s not misandrist, but my cousin has a shop of products made from reused materials: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ReuseFirst?ref=pr_shop_…

    21. Beakses +1

      No personal link to this shop (except for having purchased their stuff)- but TOAST SOAP: https://www.etsy.com/listing/63966334/toast-soap-…

    22. Beckie

      My friend makes beautiful jewellery out of those rainbow loom bands. I know, you don’t believe it’s possible, but look at this bee!

  18. sausagedog +6

    I am the most excited for Thanksgiving! It’s always my favorite holiday but this year is extra awesome because I’m no longer in school and so will have an actual vacation, PLUS I’m using my extra vacation days on the Tuesday and Wednesday preceding to just *chill out*. I’m gonna clean, make pie crusts by the half dozen, go climbing, catch up on TV, and work on NaNoWriMo. All by myself! I’m looking forward to it so so much.

    But all that aside: let’s talk vegetarian Thanksgiving! I have had mixed results with Tofurkey– some years it tastes delicious and others it is kind of listless. What do you put in your veggie stuffings? What are your favorite vegetables? Talk to me about everything except turkey!

    ETA: plz post recipes btw!

    2. seapartridge +2

      I am trying out Smitten Kitchen’s cauliflower cheese as a possible contribution to my work Thanksgiving party!

    3. SmrtCookie +2

      Oh! I have a vegetarian thanksgiving question! This year is the first time I’ve had a vegetarian at my Thanksgiving. I’m doing the normal spread and making sure she can eat everything but the turkey and gravy (veggie stock, not adding bacon, etc). Is that enough? Should I make her like a stuffed squash or some other “main?”

      1. sausagedog +4

        Sounds like you’re doing all the right things as far as not unnecessarily adding meat to otherwise vegetarian dishes. I’m sure your vegetarian guest wouldn’t want to inconvenience you with a full extra entree, but coming from experience it is really nice if there’s at least one vegetarian “protein,” since traditional Thanksgiving sides tend to be just carbs on carbs on carbs. The protein could legitimately just be hummus or another bean-based thing, though, doesn’t have to be a big production.

        1. safvn +2

          Yeah, if you are worried, I might just buy a container of hummus and some pita chips. Always tasty and nice to have!

      2. thebellewitch +3

        I would not want you to go out of your way to make a whole separate main if it were me! But I second sausagedog on the protein-y option. If not a bean dip, maybe a cheese plate before dinner?

        Or run it by her and see if she wants to bring something! I’ve brought a veggie ‘main’ for myself before that other people can eat as a side.

    4. pamplemoussi +4

      Have you tried using the turfurkey basting/slow cook method? I find it so much tastier than way!

      My thanksgiving is already over, but I plan to eat a lot of stuffed squash through this season. And oh mannn, squashes stuffed with either bread crumbs/celery/cheese or cheesy risotto, soooo good. And I just discovered fried cauliflower which is by no means healthy, but it is DELICIOUS. Think of it as the veggies answer to the deep fried turkey?

      1. sausagedog +1

        Is that like, slow cook in a slow cooker? Or just cook slowly in a regular oven? Because I am all ears. I had a tofurkey turn out really well one year but I can’t remember exactly what was done during cooking or what brand we used.

        1. pamplemoussi +1

          Oh! The last time it was cooked really well my mom did it so I don’t know what temps/basting she used, buuut the internet seems to think that you CAN cook it in a slow cooker, which I would be fascinated to try!

    5. projectbeks +2

      I am a couscous fiend, and will have it as a side with anything, because I love it so. I like it with mushrooms and such.
      My favorite veggie, though, is asparagus. I am of the school of adding butter and garlic to everything, so what I will do is put the asparagus on tin foil, sprinkle liberally with minced garlic, plop some butter on/near it, wrap it up, and pop it in the oven on a cookie sheet. Roast it as you would potatoes. IT IS SO GOOD.
      I personally don’t like stuffing at all, no matter how anyone has fixed it for me, so I have no useful tips there.

    6. dakimel +4

      I roasted some Brussel sprouts this week (just shook them in a baggie with kosher salt, pepper, olive oil, then threw em in a pan & baked 400* for 45-50 minutes, shaking the pan every 10 minutes) and they were so easy and the tastiest things ever. And I don’t like Brussels sprouts! So assuming I get my act together to make a meal, that will be one of our side dishes.

      In veggie stuffing I put pecans, golden raisins, craisins, lots of herbs, more pecans, and maybe some sundried tomatoes if I’m not too lazy. But since my family gained gluten-free people, I let them make the stuffing now, because geez.

      1. sausagedog +1

        Yessss roasted brussels are the king of veggies. I have a stack of recipes for them that I’ve been bookmarking, but honestly it’s really hard to beat the simple oil+salt+spice+roast method.

        Sundried tomatoes in stuffing is novel! Or maybe it isn’t but I’ve never heard of it being done before. It makes so much sense, maybe I’ll work some in this year.

    7. eastcoastanne +4

      I recently saw a recipe where you caramelize onions, and then puree them with butter to add to your mashed potatoes. I haven’t gone beyond that for my thanksgiving menu.

    8. rhymeswitheight +4

      My vegan friend shared a great sounding recipe with me — cut a squash in half, scoop out the seeds. Dice up an apple and mix it with some cinnamon, a little melted butter (margarine if you’re a non-dairy person), a smidge of brown sugar, and some nutmeg/cloves/etc if you want more spices. Dump the apple spice mixture into the hollow of the squash and bake it. MMM. I want to eat this, but with ice cream.

    10. safvn +2

      My mom always does a huuuuge pot of mac ‘n cheese, and that’s what my vegetarian heart loves. But it is not “vegetables” per se.

    11. thebellewitch +1

      My Best Self makes veggie shepherd’s pie (with veggies cooked in red wine, of course) for Thanksgiving, and it’s like the perfect fancy main dish. This recipe, but I don’t like the chewiness of seitan so I cut that down to half or use mushrooms instead. And pearl onions are annoying so I just chop regular or use leeks.

      I am not sure I’m going to have it together enough this year. I might just end up subsisting on sides! (AKA potatoes potatoes and more potatoes)

      1. Elsa is Emily +1

        OH MAN, I’ve made a mushroom shepherd’s pie or pot pie for Christmas (and at every other cold-weather opportunity) for a couple of years now and it is fantastic. Highly recommended! I especially like that I can make the base (roasted vegetables in mushroom gravy) ahead and make the potatoes or pastry ahead, then assemble and bake them at the last minute.

    12. practical cat +1

      I’m making this vegan stuffing twice in the next couple of weeks because it was a huuuuuuge hit at my omniovre friends-giving and my omni-vore Christmas last year. It’s kind of a pain in the ass though.

      ps put actual corn in the cornbread though.

    13. lemonadefish +2

      No need to bother with tofurkey – just skip that part. There is plenty of food already! Though I do agree some sort of protein is good, it needn’t be a hunk of meat-like food, nor even a “main dish.”

      Stuffing is not good, but can be marginally acceptable when made with bread (of course), onions, celery, water chestnuts, mushrooms (fancy ones like shitake or chanterelles or something if possible) and some veggie stock. Saute all the vegetables, then mix together with the very stale / toasted bread chunks, and just put the bare minimum broth on top. Because soggy things are gross.

      Mostly I just want to eat a plate of sweet potatoes, and some mashed potatoes, and then a lot of pie. Asparagus is good, and I’ll take some salad out of obligation, but it’s really a potato-based holiday for me.

    15. cuminafterall +5

      I have a very strong wish to stuff a pumpkin this year. Right now I’m thinking of making some kind of stuffing with sage, brown butter and Parmesan? Maybe some white beans, for protein? Sort of an inside-out pumpkin ravioli situation.

      1. sausagedog +4

        Are there any more beautiful words in the English language than “pumpkin ravioli situation?”
        That sounds really really delicious. I could also see that kind of flavor combination making a very nice squash soup.

    16. hawthorn_tree +1

      This is my favorite stuffing: Chop up an onion and cook it in some butter until it’s soft and smells delicious. Put in a cup and a half of dried oats, not the quick cooking kind. Also put in some salt, pepper, sage, and a tiny bit of nutmeg. Cook for a minute or two. Pour in some stock until it’s almost covered, stir, cover, and cook for about 40 minutes, checking occasionally to see if you need to add more stock.

    17. longlostlullaby +1

      It’s not a real recipe, but if you’re doing mashed potatoes my (non-vegan) potato recommendation is to add at least one package of boursin cheese and a lot of garlic butter. Then add cream and butter and when you think you’ve added enough, add more. Also, if the potatoes need to sit for a bit, you can leave them on the stove on a lower heat setting with some cream on the surface to keep them from drying out.

  19. paddlepickle +15

    Gilmore Girls! I’m now in the middle of Season 4, because leaving the house is overrated.

    Lorelai’s behavior towards Max is giving me lots of insight into my ex-boyfriend and I NEED HER TO STOP. “I’m gonna dump you but if you try not to talk to me so you can move on with your life I will harass you with ambiguous emotions until you die!” Ugh.

    Also, I kind of wonder if sometimes pre-Netflix shows have more holes in their plots because people weren’t watching them all at once. For instance, what on earth ever happened to that guy Lorelai was dating, with the fishing trip? He just sort of disappears. And also, there was that whole episode about the trust fund Rory would normally get at 21 maybe coming early. . .so why are they freaking out about paying for Yale when she’s gonna get it right afterwards?

    1. grandma_nancy +13

      I’m only at the beginning of Season 2 (a wild Jess appears!) but I’m having so much fun applying my present-day critical TV watching compulsions to a show I loved at age 15. The thing that’s struck me the most is how much more sympathy/respect I have for Emily, and how annoying and immature I often find Lorelai, particularly in the way she deals with Emily and is constantly (and teenagerly) moaning about “my parents.” I still love the show, of course.

      1. paddlepickle +11

        I’m watching it for the first time, but I know what you mean. Although, I think I have about equal respect for Lorelai and Emily, and equal annoyance. They can both be extremely petty and immature; I like that their character flaws are very similar in a way that’s very recognizably familial, but it takes them in very different directions. Same with Rory, to an extent.

      2. Passing_Strange +12

        I am noticing a lot more casual gay jokes and fat jokes and the occasional off-hand use of the word retarded, which is kind of jarring, especially since I considered it a fairly progressive show. And yes Lorelai is so much more immature than I remember her! I suppose because at the time I was pretty immature when relating to my parents.

        1. lilsebastian01 +2

          Yes! So weird! It’s kind of amazing to me how much the culture around those jokes has shifted in the last, what, 15 years?

    2. seapartridge +9

      That’s such a good point! I’ve noticed so many plot lines that just disappear in that show (though I won’t say them because I don’t want to spoil anything). And yet I still love it, and I can’t stop watching even though I’m in season 6 and it’s starting to get bad.

      Unrelatedly: (and I don’t think this is a huge spoiler?) I’ve gotten to the Logan part and he is so much less awful than I remember.

      1. rhymeswitheight +9

        I think when you watch all the seasons in quick succession, Logan seems less terrible because you’re still reeling from how Jess and Dean turned into lunkheads.

      2. pantone292 +11

        I feel guilty and like a stranger to myself for not hating Logan pretty much at all this time. He’s a dick, but I dislike Rory so intensely now so whatever? Please help

      3. paddlepickle +6

        I don’t think I’ve gotten to Logan yet but it’s not a spoiler, knowing that Rory has dated and will likely continue to date a series of terrible men.

        Also, if Lorelai doesn’t make out with Luke soon I am going to EXPLODE. JUST TALK ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON YOU TWO ARE SO ANNOYING.

      4. YoungLeafedJune +2

        I can’t believe anyone is expressing less than hatred and disgust for Logan. I’ve found him to be much worse in a binge-watching format because you don’t have as much time to forget the last gaslighting, psychopathic, rich jerk bullshit incident. I hate his face and I wish he’d been accidentally killed in one of his life and death stunts.

    3. eleventysix +5

      I am finally watching this show after hearing a high school friend reference it endlessly and it is wonderful, but i think i mostly like thinking about how i would have reacted watching it in high school vs. watching it now.

      people are sometimes terrible. and otherwise decent people are sometimes terrible to each other. and sometimes nothing makes sense and i think this is a good show for getting these points across.

      1. paddlepickle +3

        Yeah, that’s why watching Lorelai do that to Max helped me feel more sympathy for my ex in a weird way, because I inherently root for her. She’s being terrible but at the same time you’re just like, ugh feelings are complicated and some decent people just have no self control.

    4. rallisaurus +10

      I never remembered how prominent a role pagers played in Gilmore Girls. I mean, I’m a year younger than Rory and I cannot for the life of me remember anyone I know having a pager. Am I weirdo or something?

      Also, blegh, I forgot how terrible Jess was! Why is he so romanticized? Team Paris/Rory forever!

    5. MrsTeacherFace +6

      My husband is a little annoyed that I have disappeared into Netflix and Gilmore Girls has eaten all of my free time (ie: when the baby is asleep). He said, “It’s just like when you watched Supernatural!” and it totally is. Season 6 of GG and going strong….

    6. laurenipsum +3

      GILMORE GIRLS YES. I am bingeing (where bingeing = watching 1-2 episodes a night when my husband goes to bed early) and I loooove it. I never watched it when it was airing but I am totally living in Stars Hollow in my head right now.

      1. paddlepickle +9

        I am totally living in Stars Hollow in my head and it is definitely giving me a VERY wrong idea of what it would be like to have a kid on my own. “We’d just live in a big beautiful house in this tiny little town full of hot men who are in love with me! And all my friends would help and my kid would come out a perfect 16-year-old!” I might need to stop watching before I do something really dumb.

    7. The_SkyGirl +3

      Ahhhhh, I started watching during the last month of my pregnancy bc SO MANY PEOPLE were like, What?! How have you never this show?! And I think I would have loved this show had I watched it when it first aired but watching as an adult I find myself annoyed with the characters most of the time & charmed by them only some of the time. I only made it as far as, like, S02E03 or something before I kept forgetting to put it on. Does it get better?

  20. sednarea51 +6

    Party people, what are your suggestions for easy soothing foods? I had a hideous death cold for two weeks and it’s left me with laryngitis as a parting gift. So my throat is -still- very sore, but I cannot eat any more chicken soup or mashed potatoes. Anyone have like an easy cheese-bread recipe?

    1. loren_smith +4

      Do you like tuna melt? My go to is toasted bread, spread with a canned, drained tuna and tiny bit of mayo mix, and topped with cheddar and stuck under the broiler til bubbly.

      If toast is hard on your throat, can you try simple cheese and tortilla quesodilla, maybe with some canned beans on the side for protein?

    2. rhymeswitheight +6

      Not bread, but white beans/cannelli beans (they’re very soft!) with some olive oil, garlic, salt, pepper, and any/all the cheese you desire. Can also add some wilted spinach if you want something green.

    3. pamplemoussi +6

      What about like, orzo pasta prepared as if it’s risotto? That’s one of my fav sick person foods. You just cook the orzo in a ratio of about 1 p orzo to 2 p broth/water with spices and salt (but I usually start with 1:1 orzo and water and add more as it boils off). I usually add some veggies towards the end of cooking, like spinach or tomatoes. And then lots of grated parm! It’s simple and fast and you can cook it as soft as your sore throat desires, but it has a bit more texture than soup.

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        i make this even when i’m not sick with lots of garlic and caraway seeds and it’s delicious and comforting.

      1. msjinxie +1

        My go-to steel cut oats topping is sesame oil, soy sauce, a wee bit of chili and a poached egg if I can get enough of my shit together in the mornings to poach or soft boil an egg.

          1. msjinxie +6

            I’d always thought I just didn’t like oatmeal that much, turns out I just don’t like eating sweet oatmeal in the morning. I really wish the savory oats would become a Thing, though. Plenty of places near my work offer oatmeal & your choice of topping but the topping are ALL SWEET. Nuts to your brown sugar and your candied pecans and your dried cranberries! Where are my spiced almonds, my soy sauces, my chili and my greens!

    5. literarysara +2

      Cheesebread? This is my favorite thing in the world to make for parties: http://catsue.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/savory-gru…
      Quickbread is as easy to make as muffins, unless you make it more complicated on purpose. I do: I use buttery carmelized leeks instead of scallions and goat cheese and parmesan instead of gruyere, but that just goes to show that you can adapt the quickbread format to what you’ve got on hand.

      My favorite sick food this fall: kimchi stew. It’s pretty much just a slab of skirt steak, a pint of kimchi (which I make when Napa cabbage is in season), a package of glass noodles, and a few quarts of water. Comforting like chicken soup but pretty different taste and texture.

    6. wallsdonotfall +2

      This spinach and cheese strata from Smitten Kitchen gets super soft and fluffy on the inside. The bread cubes on the very top do get toasted and kind of pokey, but I bet if you used less bread so that all of it was covered by the egg-milk mixture, the whole thing would be soft enough to eat. It’s DELICIOUS and keeps well.

    7. viviennestreet +3

      Whenever I’m feeling sick I usually end up eating applesauce with cinnamon and honey on sourdough toast. The toast gives it texture but the applesauce means everything’s soft enough when I swallow and it’s beautiful. (Then again, I’m more TEAM SWEET than team savory/salty, so YMMV.)

    9. bookwormV +1

      Rose Elliot’s Easy Cheesy Lentils are very nice. Chop an onion and fry gently until soft, then add red lentils, water and garlic. Cover and cook for 15-20 minutes until the lentils are soft and translucent and all the water has been absorbed. Stir in grated cheddar cheese. So nice, especially with good bread and some cucumber or tomato.

  21. loren_smith +34

    Thank you all so much for your IUD support! I’m two and a bit weeks out and feeling AWESOME!

    2. thedaela +10

      And thank you for YOUR IUD support…I’m two weeks out and also feeling awesome! Why didn’t we do this sooner? This is the best.

    3. thecaitd +4

      I just got mine out after 18 months because it just wasn’t for me and it was just as liberating as getting it put in! Now I’m considering the hormonal implant so I can be even more of an infertile cyborg.

  22. grandma_nancy +22

    SERIAL THREAD.

    My new theory is that Stephanie was involved somehow, and Jay was/is trying to protect her. My other new theory is that everything is unknowable and the truth is a fiction.

    DISCUSS.

        1. rallisaurus +5

          Yeahl…pretty spot on. Whenever I try to talk about it with my husband it’s just nonsense words strung together with long pauses.

    2. seapartridge +15

      I have no theories at all, but I’ve been thinking a lot about the way that 16 years passing can change people’s memories — like, at least one person is saying something that is untrue, but I’m wondering if that person (or people) really honestly believe what they’re saying because that’s what they’ve told themselves for so long. Does that make sense?

      1. ballisticjaguar +9

        yes yes yes. I have been thinking about this too. And about how the human memory is so unreliable. Science has proven that people will remember things that did not happen if suggested in a particular way (such as, one person being like I remember this thing happened, do you? And they did not before, but now their brain has MADE UP a memory).

        1. safvn +7

          This is exactly what fascinates me most about the podcast, more than even the nature of the story itself.

      2. grandma_nancy +9

        Yeah, definitely. I’ve also been thinking a lot about the ways that being forced to recount something and construct it into a sensible narrative changes people’s memories–imbues meaning into things that might seem meaningless or extraneous, because you’re trying to fit it into a story that makes sense. (Kind of like the project as a whole…)

        It’s tricky because clearly there are only a couple of people who know what *really* happened in the sense of who killed Hae and where and why. But so much of the other parts of the case are built around perception–like Cathy saying that Adnan was acting “weird” at her apartment. Her perception of whether or not he was being weird isn’t a fact outside of her own mind, can’t be verified in any way, and yet so much of the case is built on things like that. And I’d like to think that that’s not a common phenomenon in the justice system, but obviously there are other situations where DNA evidence/physical evidence isn’t available, and yet we’ve taken on the responsibility of finding the “truth” and holding someone accountable.

      3. blueblazes11 +10

        I tried to make the point about how long 15 years really is in other conversations about the show, too. I mean, yes, Sarah, kind of hit in the first episode to: Do you remember what you did last week? No you do not. So how could you remember 15 years ago? Because the person I was debating with said that they couldn’t believe Adnan wouldn’t remember a day that the police called him about his missing GF. Unfortunately I have real-life experience with a similar call. I remember the call quite clearly, but nothing about the rest of the day or even when exactly it was… and that was quite a bit less than 15 years ago. Brains and memories are not computers.

        That said, I believe Adnan did it. I re-listen to the whole series after each episode to compare new information against previous information (and because my commute is hella long). At this point, I feel like the threads kind of weave together to say that Adnan somehow* enlisted Jay’s help ahead of time but that Jay didn’t do the actual killing. Then they sort of flailed around for most of the day before someone** reminded these two stoners that maybe they should do something about the body. So, yeah, I feel like Jay is telling the truth, at least in the broad strokes. The details aren’t perfect, but memory and teen-hood is like that.

        *Threats about stephanie? Threats about Jay’s other petty crimes?
        ** Jenn? Some yet-unidentified third party?

        1. laurenipsum +4

          The thing about threats to Stephanie really struck me. Isn’t she supposed to be super close to Adnan? If he was really threatening her, that changes everything about how I think about him.

          1. blueblazes11 +6

            EXACTLY. Because if he’s willing to harm Hae, then it seems more possible that he could hurt Stephanie (and vice versa, for that matter).

            Because no man has ever had a combination of love/control/violence feelings toward women. That never happens. Ugh.

      4. Lily_Rowan +4

        Yes! I was just having this conversation with a coworker — does anyone remember anything from 16 years ago? They just remember their stories.

    3. eleventysix +3

      wow, what a theory.

      i don’t know what i think, or even how i feel about the project anymore, but i can’t stop wanting to hear and learn more.

    4. pajamaralways +11

      I felt, I don’t know, sympathetic towards Jay in this last episode? Just the bit where Adnan’s attorney is questioning him on the stand and everything. I get where he may have been shifty, but I dunno.

      At this point, someone else HAS to be involved. I can’t see Jay helping Adnan for whatever reason. And I can’t see Adnan killing Hae purely because she broke up with him.

      1. angryporcupine +7

        Yeah, and I definitely felt kinda bad for him when Sarah and the other lady just showed up at his house. I mean, Jesus. As for who did it, I get more confused with every episode. I’m like that lady in this past ep who was just like “who even did it i don’t know blargle blargle grblurg pftttttt”

        1. Steph +6

          Yeah, her “we showed up, dropped a metaphorical grenade on his doorstep, and then left” comment was spot on, but also, I thought sort of tossed off blithely? I understand why they went to talk to him, but jesus, you don’t just drop a bombshell like that on someone. Adnan is still more immediately living with the fallout of the murder (being in prison for it) and the rest of the people they’ve interviewed so far are more tangential to the story. But Jay is central to the truth, regardless of what it is, and it sounds that they just blustered in on his life.

          Also, I’d really love to know how much of this stuff has been done since it started airing. I know they’re still working on it, but I think the delineation between “what we found out before this aired and everyone was talking about it” and “what’s come to light now that the story’s gotten a ton of press and cultural commentary” is becoming a really important line to draw.

          1. paperbgprincess +2

            To be fair on this point, showing up unannounced is exactly how real investigators do it, for both the defense side and the prosecution. An advance phone call only gives someone the opportunity to either shut you out entirely, or prepare their story before you get there. Your best shot by far of actually speaking with them is to just show up, even though it might seem a little rude.

      2. Lily_Rowan +2

        Yeah, that audio from the trial TOTALLY made me get why the jury took his story at face value. That, plus the interview with the juror plus Jay Caspian Kang’s piece the other day about race in this story.

    5. rallisaurus +3

      I was really struck with Jay’s comment about how when he saw Hae’s body he thought about how fragile Stephanie was. My first thought was like, it has to be the truth because who would make that up! But then I was like…unless he’s a psychopath murdered and he’s now thinking about how easy it would be to kill Stephanie too! So…I’m at a loss.

  23. Goomaly +9

    Guys I’ve done something strange and stupid. I’ve started smoking.

    This despite literally watching my grandmother die of lung cancer after taking care of her for a year.

    I’ve been calling a mindfulness counseling center (with actual counselors, not hippies), but haven’t been able to make an appointment yet.

    I’m enjoying the surreality (?) of holding a cigarette in my hand, but this really can’t go on.

    Do I blame the antidepressants?

    1. meetapossum +5

      Man, I feel you. I started smoking at a stupidly old age and have been doing it on and off since “quitting” last January. I don’t have much advice to offer, but I can commiserate.

      1. Goomaly +1

        But that was my plan! To smart doing all the drugs when I get old! Because what’s it going to do, kill me in 50 years?

    2. loren_smith +5

      Ugh, I smoke and I struggle with if I should try to quit vs. how much I really enjoy it.

      Do you smoke much? I’ve cut myself down to between zero (on a normal work day) to 5-6 if I’m out at the bar or something. I’ve decided not to really sweat it, and to make sure I get lots of exercise and eat well.

      1. Goomaly +6

        I smoke like three a day. I’m not even sure if I’m enjoying it, it’s more like I’m getting in touch with my inner teen dirtbag.

        1. loren_smith +4

          Yeah, for me it is remembering the dirtbag who has passed and matured. But still just wants to sit on the curb and read Clive Cussler books and chainsmoke

    3. Briony_Fields +10

      Ugh, why is smoking so amazing? I understand the weird allure of cigarettes, even when we should really know better. Maybe set yourself a quit date and smoke to your heart’s delight until then? I had minimal success for that. Maximal success came when I just realized I could put down the cigarettes and never pick them up again, but I have no idea how to guide someone to that point.

    4. deleted7410012 +5

      yeah, i should really know better and i only smoke maybe 2 cigarettes a week, but it’s like, why am i doing it at all? i know it’s stupid. it’s just weirdly calming and comforting and i feel stupid for falling for the supposed dirtbag glamour of it, even when i know how terrible it is for me.

    5. miprisci +8

      Could you perhaps replace it with something similarly hand-busy-keeping, but less unhealthy? I’m convinced the only reason I don’t smoke is I’d have to move my coffee cup away from my lips. And best I can tell, coffee isn’t killing me too much.

    7. sausagedog +3

      I started smoking for about a year, around the same time I started taking antidepressants. I was very fortunate not to get addicted; I think part of the psychology behind it was that I kind of enjoyed the self-destruction? I’m very bad at psychoanalyzing myself but there it is. I started on the prozac, and it didn’t really work, but I didn’t want to admit defeat so I turned to societally acceptable forms of harm.

      I still get those feelings sometimes so I know how hard it is. “Strange and stupid” describes it quite aptly, actually.

      Anyways I hope the mindfulness counseling helps, and that you can stop quickly and painlessly. If you want to talk or anything, reply here and I can give you my email or something.

    8. Prawns +4

      I recently felt the need to smoke again when I was on the wrong birth control (for me). Literally the day after I stopped being on that birth control, I was once again not able to smoke.

      So, if you found that the current antidepressant seems to be making you want to smoke, it seems reasonable that there could be a correlation between the antidepressant and the smoking.

      Good luck. Brain chemistry is frustrating to tweak.

    9. meowmischen +3

      Can you replace smoking with graffiti? That’s the most harmless dirtbag behavior I can think of.

  24. LacaunaKale +1

    That looks so good.
    Speaking of Thanksgiving, what should I do? I’m working black friday, but have tday and the day before off. My parents are off on a cruise, not that they would have deigned to come visit anyways. Local friends are all going to see their families. I would like to minimize the alone forever feelings that inevitably come with such holidays. Halp?
    (and while it’s great and all, I’m not interested in volunteering that day)

    1. deleted7410012 +11

      is there something you’ve been wanting to do that you’ve just been putting off?

      like, going for an awesome hike. or going to the beach (yes, even in winter), or doing a full out self-pampering day. even holing up and finally working on an art project you’ve been putting off forever. testing out a crazy new recipe. or making a mini feast of comfort food for yourself. watching all the terrible movies your celebrity crush has acted in.

      basically, just treat it as a self-holiday. being alone when everyone else is with their families can blow, but if you try to sublimate that and treat it as a bizarre freebie day off where no one will stop you from doing whatever you want, it’s suddenly a lot more fun.

    3. lemonadefish +3

      I bet if you scrounge around the outer edges of your friend circle, you can find a couple people who aren’t going home. It’s fun to have friendsgiving! Assign everyone a dish and have some movies or something to watch. Or alternately if you talk to enough people about not having plans, someone might invite you to their family Thanksgiving, if it’s close enough. That’s less reliable though.

    4. msjinxie +6

      I had a good few Alone Thanksgivings in my first few years in California and to combat some of the lonliness, I just made the day a Treat Yo’Self Day. Stocked up on movies I wanted to watch, brought in some booze – the good stuff, since it’s a holiday – and picked a fancy recipe to cook that would be a treat to eat and give me something fiddly to do to stay busy. The point of the day for me was to make a conscious effort to do nice things for myself, and it was really quite lovely. I’ve since taken up with some friends who tend not to travel for the holiday, and we usually do an Orphans T’Day together (which is also great!) but I sometimes miss my special alone holiday.

    5. newglasses +3

      Not sure if this is helpful, because I am permanently alone and live with cats, but I don’t go anywhere on Thanksgiving, on purpose. There are, of course, Reasons, but I steadfastly decline any and all invitations for dinners on Thanksgiving.

      And I make my own Thanksgiving dinner, complete with turkey breast, if that’s what I want. I love it! I fix whatever ‘traditional’ dishes I want or whatever dish I don’t make on ordinary weeks, and a pie, and it is a celebratory feast. I go for a nice long hike before starting the cooking, but I also watch movies and/or play video games while I’m waiting for the turkey to be done or whatever.

      I love it! It is one of the few days of the year when I don’t have to go to work or work on a project or do house chores or do anything I don’t want to do. Did I mention that I love it? 😉 Thanksgiving has been a much more thankful holiday since I established this rule.

  25. seapartridge +22

    I am in mutually in love with two people and I can’t be in a relationship with either of them. Everything is sad. I want to give up and get a cat but I can’t afford that right now with either time or money, so I think I’ll settle for a medium-expensive bottle of Scotch. 🙁

    (I realize this sounds like the whiniest stupidest problem to complain about, but damn, it’s been really hard)

    1. hugpunch +3

      This actually sounds really terrible. Is it just a choice issue, like you have to pick one or the other and can’t?

      1. seapartridge +3

        Nah, it’s not even that. One is a long-term ex — we parted on mostly good terms (complicated, but ultimately it was distance) and we’re long-distance and I’m committed to living where I am for at least a year and it’s not fixable. We’re not in contact, either, because I feel like it’s too soon and it would be impossible, but I’m thinking of trying to see him when I’m in the area for Thanksgiving, even though that’s probably an awful idea. The other is long-distance because of COLLEGE which, jeez, I feel too old for that, but clearly my life is never gonna make sense.

        I’m gonna work on the cat thing.

        1. Prawns +1

          That sounds really hard. The only thing I would tell you is that your feelings for both people are valid and don’t let anyone tell you you don’t feel the way you feel.

          Beign apart from the people you love can be just the worst especially when it is by your own choice.

    2. Elsa is Emily +7

      I have zero advice except: your problems are your problems and they’re hard. Sure, there are people who would be happy to have those problems, but once you have ’em, you’re allowed to feel the stress of them.

    3. rolotomassi5 +1

      At least you get a medium-expensive bottle. I can’t even go near Scotch because the stuff I know I like is way too expensive. Thanks, Obama!

  26. gentlehangovers +13

    Hi everyone! I went to Mallory’s reading last night and it was wonderful and charming and hilarious, as you would expect.

    In the Q&A she mentioned she had been reading the graphic novel (comic?) Lumberjanes, and I immediately went online to look for it. I haven’t read serial comics before so I don’t know how this works…once an issue is sold out of its printing is that like, it? They seem to be on issue #8, and #1-#7 are out of stock.

    What do I do? Do I wait for the compilation or…? Please educate me.

    1. deleted6707794 +1

      I didn’t see anything on the studio’s website about additional printings. Marvel is really into additional printings and Image will do them for big titles, but smaller studios may be less willing. The trade paperback probably won’t be out until next year <a href=”http://(https://twitter.com/Lumberjanes/status/476545908285247488)” target=”_blank”>(https://twitter.com/Lumberjanes/status/476545908285247488). So you could either puchase the issues (probably above cover price) from an online seller or buy the digital editions.

    2. lyetteann +5

      You can buy individual issues online Comixology or you can wait for what’s called a trade paperback (TPB), but it looks like it’s not coming out until next year.

      Comics are weird and dumb and TERRIBLE at reaching new readers. Which sucks, because they are also fun and addictive.

      1. octopoda +3

        Yeah, I have never really been a comics reader but not for lack of interest. It’s just that every time I think I’d like to start it seems so hard to find a good place jump into it.

        1. lyetteann +4

          I’ve been into comics for 2 years and I’m STILL pissed off by how difficult it is to get my hands on the damn comics.

    3. rallisaurus +2

      Any good comic book stores in your area you can call? And I’m not expert, but I’m assuming eventually a trade will be published with issues 1-5 or so.

      Also, yes, Lumberjanes is so good! You are making an excellent life choice in seeking it out. And this reminds me that I think I’ve only read 1-5!

    4. elsajeni +2

      There are sometimes second (and third, and fourth, and… etc.) printings of individual issues, but I don’t know if that has happened/is likely to happen for Lumberjanes #1-7. If you have a brick-and-mortar comic store near you where you’re comfortable shopping and talking to the staff, you could go in and tell them that you’ve just heard about Lumberjanes and want to get caught up from the beginning; they might be able to tell you whether new printings are expected and pull copies to hold for you if/when they do come in, or whether a trade paperback (the compilation you’re thinking of, usually collecting 5-10 issues) is expected pretty soon and it makes sense just to wait for that.

      Alternately, it looks like you can still buy the earlier issues directly from the publisher, Boom Studios.

    5. msjinxie +2

      {hi hi! I was there last night too!}
      And also yes that Lumberjanes thing sounds neat, going to investigate it this weekend.

      1. gentlehangovers +1

        Oh hi! I was wearing a red button-down shirt. Maybe you saw me. Let me know if you find out anything about Lumberjanes..I’m going to call or stop by the comic book store near us and see what they have to say.

  28. vmartinipie +6

    My mother wanted to know if Dude would like to come to Thanksgiving and I have arbitrarily made it a Big Deal in my head. When did your partner meet families and all that stuff? When is too soon or too late or what? Is it really a Big Deal? We’ve only been seeing each other for like 3.5 months!

    1. ach_so +2

      I don’t think there’s such thing as too soon. It really depends on you, the person, & your family. If you think everybody would be chill, no reason to make a Big Deal out of it just because society is like “omg MEET THE PARENTS?!?!?$#@”

    2. lemonadefish +4

      EH, that’s a little soon, but not Too Soon if you think it’s getting serious. It also depends on how far away it is and how much time it would be. If it’s 45 minutes in the car, then NBD. But if it’s a four hour plane ride and you’ll be there for five days, that has more potential to go terribly terribly wrong. (Full disclosure: Mr. LF came on family vacation when we had been dating for not quite 2 months. Like a week with my mom, stepdad, sisters & BILs, step sisters, and pretend brothers & their girlfriends. It was intense. He didn’t scare off though, and now here we are with a house and a baby.)

    3. Es_Petal +3

      I don’t think it needs to be a Big Deal. I met my dude’s mum and son the second (third?) time I went up to see him – we are long distance so basically as soon as we realised it wasn’t just meeting up for sauce and was actually a Thing with feeling and all that. He met my family the first time he came down to see me. Holidays are a bit stressful though – how about a lower-key dinner or something beforehand?

    4. msjinxie +3

      Not necessarily a big deal! Plus, your family is local, right? If you actually had to travel for the holiday, I think that would add a level of Big Dealness but as is it sounds more like your mom wanting to make sure this person you like isn’t without a place to dine on Thanksgiving.
      Though it’s funny you should bring this up, since I’ve been thinking about the same thing, sort of, re. Xmas – though we met here, it turns out both the Bearded One and I are from ATL and our families are still there. We’ve booked our flights home for Xmas and we’re travelling together but have yet to sit down to figure out if we’re “just flying at the same time and will meet up once or twice over the week” or if we are “Doing Christmas Together”. There’s a lot of ground between those two points, though I think we’re leaning more towards the latter which is great and also kind of terrifying.

    5. MrsTeacherFace +1

      My now husband brought me home to meet his parents after we had been dating a month, and they live 5 hours away, which was craaaazy soon, but it all worked out alright. His parents even put us up in the same room, which my parents would never, ever have done (until after marriage). It will probably be fine!

    6. Elsa is Emily +3

      What are your family’s Thanksgivings like? Think about that as you consider whether it’s a good idea.

      I met my now-husband’s family at a big gathering (his then-only niece’s first birthday), and he was afraid it would be Too Much. In fact, it was great to have so much going on: when any family member or conversation got a little too much to handle, I could escape by helping in the kitchen or playing with the kids or helping to figure out the assembly of a toy or something.

    7. houblonchouffe +1

      If it feels good, do it! PC met my parents after we’d been dating less than a month (but were already living together) and that was a weekend trip with 3.5 hour drive either way. I met his folks a couple of months later and they’re in England.

    8. projectbeks +1

      I don’t know if this will make you feel better, but my parents didn’t meet Mr Wren until the day after we got engaged. They were going to come and visit anyway, but eeeeeeekkkk what a way to break them in! “Hi, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend. I mean, my fiance. I mean…oh god…”

    9. Beakses +1

      Mine came home with me for Christmas at…9 months? It was really no big deal- but my family’s never really made a fuss about the whole “meeting the parents” thing, and my mom is happy for me to drag any random person to stay at her house, so it was pretty chill.

  29. MmeSiniichulok +12

    Hi Toasties, I have a saga-length complicated etiquette question with a cultural and gendered component. Monsieur Siniichulok and I have a bunch of acquaintances/non-close friends who are part of his ethnic immigrant community in a broader regional sense and sometimes in a national sense. They all live between 1.5 and two hours away. When they invite us over, it’s clear that they’re either house-poor or money is otherwise tight (as it is for us). They always invite us over for meals or holidays. At each house, when they eat, the man of the couple eats a normal amount, and he and his wife encourage my husband and the other male guests if there are any to take more. The woman eats very little, and always gives me a kiddie plate to share with my toddler. If I take more food (like, more than what she gave me or what she’s eating but still far less than what the men eat), the woman and occasionally the man stiffen and take notice and look annoyed and uncomfortable. Sometimes they pointedly offer the male guests third helpings and then take the food plates away. Then they press us hard to stay for hours and hours—and mean it–and offer endless tea and some nuts or whatever dessert we brought, and they wordlessly freak out if we eat more than a few. (More traditional families, like the one Monsieur Siniichulok is from, also press guests to stay for hours and hours, but they serve actual food all along.)

    So I always leave ragingly hungry, and I get migraines when I don’t eat enough. It was much worse when I was pregnant, and especially when I was breastfeeding, but it still sucks. I know there are a lot of issues here—they don’t have enough money for enough food for everyone, and they assume that it’s the women’s job to smooth over this social deficit by going without and that I have no problem with doing this too. At the same time, this is pretty triggering to me because I grew up in a family where I (and I alone) was expected to go without food sometimes because of finances, and I categorically don’t believe that women should eat less than men unless they genuinely want to because they’re not hungry.

    We also live far away from these people and it takes us a long time to get to them, so even if we eat a full meal before we get there, we’re still hungry when we get there. Also, bringing food and acting as though we thought it was potluck will be very insulting culturally to them, as though we think they can’t entertain properly (even though we do think that way), and it’s really hard to wrangle unwieldy main dishes on public transportation (several changes of bus and subway involved and all) with a toddler.

    They eat a lot when they come to our place, but we also serve more food, so.

    Monsieur Siniichulok is not directly affected so he didn’t notice, though he agreed that it sucked when I pointed it out to him, and he did notice that food was not plentiful at our acquaintances’ houses in general. He attributes everything to their social/educational background and thinks I should stand up and draw loud, rude attention to it if/when it happens again. This is difficult, especially since I’ve been poor myself and don’t want to embarrass them (though if I couldn’t afford to feed all of my guests, I wouldn’t have them over, or I’d invite people who didn’t mind the potluck concept and who wouldn’t be inconvenienced by bringing potluck, but that’s just me). I’m also the only outsider or non-member of that general culture there. I just don’t want to be in that situation again. But I also don’t want to preemptively never visit people of this educational/ethnic/social group again, because that seems discriminatory, even though I’ve had the same experience every time so far. What would you do?

    1. Goomaly +15

      Pack a little picnic and graze the whole way there and back. PBJs, cheese and crackers, carrot sticks, whatever.

    2. shartbreaker +32

      Oh my GOD. I’m siding with your husband here (although raising my eyebrow at him bc I think he should have noticed the food disparity) in that I couldn’t do anything but call attention to it… like “hey actually I am an adult and eat about this much, thank you”. I don’t have any advice really, just wanted to say…. oh my goddddd, mercy on the male that denies me a full meal.

    3. GreenGrasses +21

      This is tough. On one hand, I think your husband should probably say something to the people, or share his food with you, or something, since he knows the hosts well. But on the other hand, I think if it were me, I’d probably just grab more food and ignore the stares.

    4. paddlepickle +19

      Omg WHAT? That is so, so odd and rude. And it’s clearly not just a money thing, because if they can afford to encourage your husband to take thirds they can afford to give you a real plate, yknow? I think what I would do is not revisit people who you have eaten with and know that they do this. I would feel a little weird saying “oh well they are from this culture so it will definitely be like this again” if I hadn’t been invited before. . .I might bring some car snacks for a first-time dinner just in case, but not assume before they actually treat you that way. And once they have.. .yeah I would not drive 2 hours to not get fed again.

    5. donkeywork +11

      This is a really tough spot to be in, I’m sorry. It will no doubt be tricky to execute, but I imagine you could bring some shelf-stable protein, carbs, and some fruit and trail mix to stash in the car, and just make trips out to supplement your meager meal. I was trying to get a ride with someone who would add 20 errands onto our planned schedule, which was making my blood sugar go bananas, and I finally committed to either packing peanut butter crackers or foregoing the ride as it was making me miserable. Best of luck!

    6. Rillquiet +52

      I wouldn’t go, frankly. Continue to invite them, host in ways that make you comfortable and leave with everyone being fed, and leave it to Mr. S to explain that you guys find it difficult to travel with a toddler (the Lie Social) but don’t want to lose touch with friends. Any other option that comes to mind–having your husband serve you from his plate, f’rinstance–may come across as rude, but IMO not nearly as rude as serving two people from a single saucer, c’mon. Sometimes cultural norms clash, and I am on the side of the norms where everyone leaves the table full. (I say this advisedly, despite near-death experiences with being overfed by friends from Specific Background. I tried to make for the door after a few hours at a crowded open house and the hostess bodily cast herself across the doorway: “You cannot go yet!” “But you let the people in front of me go!” She swelled with indignation: “THEY tried my TORTE.” I surrendered.)

    7. 1sic1 +48

      Make your husband pile huge helpings of everything on his plate. You, take whatever you can. Then, have him say: “Y’know, I’m not that hungry. Wanna swap?”
      Swap plates. Your husband is now free to accept offers of extra food, and you’ll be too busy stuffing your face to care about the hosts giving you the stink eye.

      Also, before the mention of nuts, I could have sworn your husband and I were from the same country.

    8. betsymore +54

      Don’t keep going. These aren’t close friends, by your account. So make other holiday plans, and see them on your own terms otherwise. Let your husband go alone, or with the toddler, if he wants to go, but there is no reason for you to keep going to a gathering that makes you so uncomfortable when you don’t have a strong emotional investment in the relationships.

    9. spring chickens +43

      Whoa. The cultural dimension of this make it difficult for me to answer. But I don’t think being confrontational about it in the way your husband suggests is a good idea — after all, even if they are bad hosts, it is bad manners to be a rude guest back about it — there are more skillful and subtle ways to alter the situation.

      FOR SURE, there is no way in hell you should have to feel or become ill because of their social expectations, and there is also no reason you should have to model horrible sexist behaviors in front of your child. Especially if it makes you feel hurt because of things from childhood. Personally I would start by smiling at them and saying “child and I are very hungry today” if they give you a tiny kiddie plate to share. And when they offer second or third helpings to the men, if you feel shy about asking directly, I would turn to my husband and say, “sweetheart, I’d like some more food” so that he can either procure more for you or he can share with you from his plate. Basically, I would start asking for more food, without worrying about it or others’ reactions, but in ways that are polite and relatively low-key.

      No matter how poor they are, surely they can give you a little more rice or whatever the staple is. And if they can’t, they really shouldn’t be inviting the number of people that they are over to dinner. If they really can’t give you a little extra rice, then you don’t go. You & toddler don’t need to attend because it is bad for your health (physical) and toddler’s health (mental — seeing his/her mother not eat at dinner), and your husband can go alone.

      1. highjump +34

        “there is also no reason you should have to model horrible sexist behaviors in front of your child” MHM

    11. spring chickens +53

      P.S. The more I think about this, the more it bothers me that your husband thought it was *your* responsibility to fix the situation by being loud/confrontational. This is his culture, his friends, his turf, so it is his job!!! Not yours!! You can do the same thing for him when it’s your culture, and you probably already do.

      The idea that you as the cultural outsider are supposed to fix this, and in a confrontational way, and have it go well is just ridiculous. Not going to work and Not Your Job. Either he needs to call these people in advance, or else he needs to say something in a smiling way when food is being served to right the situation, or as someone pointed out above he needs to switch plates with you so *he* can be the one going short if anyone, not his wife and child, but he gets to fix the situation. He’s in a FAR better position to be able to do it sensitively and effectively.

      It sounds like the problem is these particular people, not everyone from his background, so I don’t think you need to worry (or phrase it as) I will never visit the home of people from X country again. You just don’t want to visit this particular family again (unless your husband plans to take steps to make sure you feel welcome and have enough to eat — that is pretty basic!)

      2. Elsa is Emily +22

        He attributes everything to their social/educational background and thinks I should stand up and draw loud, rude attention to it if/when it happens again.

        Like hellebore, I think this particular point is important: if one of you is going to address this, it’s your husband, not you, partly because he possesses greater cultural/social fluency than you and partly because he’s the person in the position of privilege. He’s both going to be a more powerful (read “privileged”) voice in this scenario and he’s going to be more aware of the nuanced reactions* to his remarks.

        If he’s not willing to do that, or if you think it’s a poor idea to ask him, think about not going any more. Whatever answer you decide is okay, but I want to chime in that it is okay to say you won’t go there for meals for whatever reason you have, whether it’s your physical well-being, your emotional health, your feelings being hurt, or not wanting to model this behavior for your child. Those are all valid reasons if you want to use them.

        *Which, I stress, would occur in any cultural dynamic. It’s not like there’s some inscrutable mystery of culture at work, but that every cultural milieu can have nuances that are not immediately visible to a person who comes to it from outside, especially in how it handles even polite and friendly confrontation.

    12. paperbgprincess +27

      I’m going to borrow the only part of Prudie’s advice I ever like, which is that the person whose family it is or who is closest to the problem has to deal with it. If anyone is going to speak up, it has to be your husband, particularly because of the cultural element in this case. If your husband isn’t willing to speak to his friends, you should stop going. You should maybe stop going in any case. It sounds like you don’t have a good time, and if your husband isn’t willing to stand up for you the very least he can do is make a polite excuse for your absence.

      As your kid gets older, you’ll need to start thinking more about the how you’re going to handle these cultural-clash issues. That alone is worth a big talk with your husband, I think.

    13. donkeywork +7

      In Toast hindsight (which is to say, having read everyone else’s replies), while I still think an ankle holster full of peanut butter crackers is wise to have about oneself, everyone else is more right than me and you should either not go or press the Mr. to advocate for you. I’m one of those people who doesn’t take the offered bagel, so I should remember it’s not smart to advise others.

  30. m98widow +7

    I was struck out of the blue with the desire to buy a Raspberry Pi and learn basic coding even though the last coding I did was copying BASIC out of a book into my TRS-80 when I was like 4. Also I don’t have time to play the video games I want to play, let alone learn something new. Does anyone else have one? What do you do with yours?

    1. octopoda +2

      I got one, but never ended up using it for anything. I would recommend learning some basic programming though. I would highly recommend Python, as the language is pretty intuitive and there isn’t a lot of weird syntax.

      I hear you on the not enough time front… I want to learn Blender 3d and Unity for making games, but it is a lot of work.

    2. allanaaa +2

      I have an Arduino! I have not programmed it in four years. Currently it is set to do time-lapse in conjunction with my digital camera and an infrared LED.

      I strongly recommend that if you are new to coding, you do something with a cool physical component. I don’t know if a Pi is what you want. Are you a crafty type? You could get a Lilypad and make some awesome light-up clothing with conductive thread ….

      If you are REALLY new to coding, get something like Bidule, which is a sort of visual interface for music-making. It’s basically a fun teachy way to learn signal flow and the occasional regular expression.

    3. socktantrum +2

      Boyfriend has one that he uses to hook up to his projector–it interfaces with his home server and we can watch movies on it. He also bought a Picade and has been working on that, but it’s not all set up yet because life gets in the way of playing all the games. I know nothing about coding beyond web design so I sit back in awe and reap the benefits.

  31. sausagedog +3

    I’ve linked this before, but:

    My roommate sells handmade journals and other beautiful paper goods here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/MiddleDune
    She just listed a bunch of holiday items!

    ETA: @lyetteann’s Etsy masterthread. Ughhh intensedebate.

      1. sausagedog +1

        Not yet! She started the shop pretty recently, and has just started looking for brick and mortar sales opportunities. Somerville certainly seems to have the right kinds of shops for it.

      1. sausagedog +4

        She hand carved the octopus stamp! It was like watching magic, because hand carved stamps kind of look like a mess and then you stamp them and the result is so beautiful.

  32. catoclock +45

    HEY TOAST BUTTS I’m gonna miss open thread for the next two weeks because I’m going to BRAZIL wooooooooooooooooooooooo

    I am very excited!

      1. catoclock +2

        I’m going with my family (parents + younger sister) for about 10 days and we’re spending half the time in Rio and half in Paraty, which is a former Portuguese colonial town on the coast. It SNOWED here last night, so I am 1000% ready for this trip.

        2. Beakses +1

          Ooooh- have fun! Try all the cachaca! If you like tequila I would definitely recommend making plans to take a bottle or two of cachaca home- we tried some really nice ones when we were in Rio, and Paraty is supposed to be one of THE places for cachaca.

  33. logicbutton +51

    Yesterday a trainer who is new to my gym complimented my deadlifting and called me “really strong”! I am indeed up to a one-rep max of 255 pounds, and while I am not yet able to lift a man of that size over my head, I am definitely able to lift an object with handholds, say, a bag, containing an object of that weight, say, a man who may or may not be moving, off the ground and carry or throw it a short distance.

    I am sooo busy with work today, but my birthday is on Sunday, and I’m taking Monday off!

    3. rkfire +2

      Hooray and congratulations! I am very jealous of your deadlifts, as I am working up from work sets of 145lbs right now. ^^

      1. angryporcupine +4

        OH GOODY!! I still have to wait til January when we get it on Netflix in the states but that’s not even that far away.

  35. cait0716 +14

    I am so excited about Thanksgiving. Even though I have a nagging worry that it’s going to turn into an episode of How I Met Your Mother. (We invited our friend “Robin”. Then “Ted” broke up with his girlfriend, so we invited him, too. Then we found out that the breakup was because “Victoria” was threatened by “Ted” and “Robin”‘s close friendship and they are no longer speaking as “Ted” tries to win “Victoria” back. They’ve assured us everything will be fine.) But whatever. There will be food and wine and board games and absolutely no talk about politics at all. I’m shutting it all down this year.

    And the weekend before, the new Smash Bros comes out. So we’re regressing to teenage-dom, inviting all our friends over, and playing video games all night long. Because we’re adults and no one can tell us not to.

    1. msjinxie +4

      Get everyone drunk on food and wine and it’ll all be fine. Or they’ll be too full and drunk to do much besides sleep.

  36. projectbeks +45

    Dirtbag sighting!!!
    So, on my way home last night, there was a dudebro playing acoustic guitar in the train station. He was wearing cargo pants, a vaguely puffy jacket lying on the floor, and had Oakleys with red lenses (yes really) perched atop his head. Clearly he missed his calling as a boy band-er about 20 years ago, but he didn’t look old enough to appreciate that thought. In the time it took to take all that glorious dirtbagginess in, I realized that he was playing/belting out – wait for it – Wonderwall.

    I squeed aloud to no one, because I couldn’t contain my glee.

    1. Girl Named Jack +21

      OH! Dirtbags!! I have a tale!

      A few weeks ago, two pre-dirtbags came to the door and wanted to rake my lawn. Normally, cause for getting chased off the porch. BUT, I have had rotator-cuff issues as of late, and it was right before Halloween, so I figured I’d give ’em a chance (and possibly buy some insurance against Halloween-mischief). WELL. Even though they had to borrow a rake (?) they did an EXCELLENT job. And FAST.

      Last week they came again, as I told them they could come back once all the leaves were down. They did an even BETTER job, to the point I suspect witchcraft. Anyhoo, gave ’em an extra five spot. And asked their names, which were (of course) Cody and Tyler. #notalldirtbags

  37. dakimel +13

    I haven’t thought much about Thanksgiving: The Meal yet. My son will be home from college (yay!) so I’ll get to hug him, and my husband just taped an interview about Dickens’ Christmas Carol that’s airing that night, so we’ll watch that, and on Black Friday I’m helping my parents go house shopping. I’m sure somewhere in there I will remember to cook a meal? Or find someone to feed us?

    Between now & then, I’m writing hopefully a lot more of this book, and also proofreading the paper copies of the other books, and – AND! I AM SO EXCITED! I am hiring an audiobook producer this week and she’s awesome and I’ve long been a fan and I’m excited to hear her read my books. I love audiobooks so much & am giddy that my own books will be listenable soon.

    1. donkeywork +3

      Ooh, congrats on the audiobookiness! Certain genres really benefit when they leave a reader two free hands, ha.

      1. dakimel +8

        “Note to the listener: the sex scene at 3hr32min will end abruptly, so go for 4hr46min instead.”

  38. thenotestaken +6

    Finally early for an open thread! Toastrons, is there anybody living in Hamilton, ON or its environs? I moved here for a relationship and that’s going very well but I am really feeling the lack of friends, probably also compounded by the fact that I’m currently underemployed. I’m volunteering etc but I still haven’t met any really awesome ladies to chill with! I know there are lots of Torontonians here so if there’s an info on meetups etc for that group I would be happy to come to the big city!

    Also I’m organizing a woman’s only bike repair workshop here and I’m interested on hearing about how you all experience cycling culture, what your general experience in bike shops has been, the good, the bad, what your ideal experience in a bike shop would be, etc. Anything you want to say about bikes, really!

    1. ballisticjaguar +1

      I no longer live in Hamilton, so I can’t help you unfortunately. Commenting because I spent four years there getting my undergrad at Mac. The city has some not so great places, but the place I lived in Westdale was lovely and I miss it a lot.

    2. Briony_Fields +1

      I don’t, but I know people nearby who are also looking for people to hang with. How can I contact you?

      1. thenotestaken +1

        Oh rad! Sorry for the late response, went to Ottawa for the weekend. My email is my username at gmail. Thanks, much appreciated!

    3. chrissybee +4

      I think what would be really cool is if you could have materials/products that legit address women’s issues in bike commuting. Cuter helmets, hair wraps, dry shampoo (which I have just learned to apply to my bangs pre-emptively and it was life/commute-changing), etc.

      1. allanaaa +1

        This is trolling, right? Because I was about to chime in with an “Invent a bike pedal for high heels!” and then realized that maybe I wasn’t actually taking part in a group riff-session.

        1. christybee +3

          Uh, no, it’s not? I started bike commuting this year and I think it’s legitimately harder as a woman. I’ve rarely heard

          I bike 5 miles each way which is enough to get sweaty and rumpled, and my workplace does not provide showers so I have to get ready at home and remedy it over a shared sink in the office. No, I don’t bike in heels, but I do blow my hair out every morning and I have thick bangs that get messed up when I sweat in them, yet I have to look composed when I get in. I do not have the luxury of a casual workplace, and I choose to bike commute to fit in some exercise and mental release in an otherwise sedentary day.

          This kind of dismissiveness to women who want or need their appearance to be a certain way is a real reason that women are a minority among bike commuters. http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/why-women-dont…

          1. allanaaa +2

            I don’t think I was being dismissive to people who care about aesthetics. I think it was the “cuter helmets” thing that made me react that way to the comment as a whole.

            I bike to work every day in an office with a no-scents policy. I get the problem. But I think a bike-repair workshop isn’t really going to be an Avon party for hygiene products. Hosting a discussion about it where ladies offer tips and tricks, as a one-off, sure! (Or even organizing awareness campaigns for workplaces to provide things like shower access, blowdryers, etc.) But cute helmets aren’t going to cut it.

        2. laurenipsum +6

          A real reason I don’t bike is that I’ll be gross and sweaty with sweaty gross hair when I get to work. There are other reasons, but this is a real concern.

    4. allanaaa +2

      @thenotestaken, re: Hamilton and biking::::::::

      I’m in Toronto! Hamilton is so pretty right now, you guys have the craziest foliage thing going on.
      raquinsey is the one who said she’d keep me informed about Toronto meetups (apparently there is a Facebook group you can look up, if you’re on FB). Haven’t been to one yet but when I get an invite I will pass it on to you!

      Also, I love this lady, and get so many great ideas from her: http://bikeyface.com/

      I am strongly into assertive biking. I shout a lot. And I have parking enforcement on speed-dial for when someone is parked in a bike lane. I do most of my own repairs (on a coaster) so I don’t do the shop thing much, but I also pre-emptively avoid any place that’s gonna be too elitist about everything. I have no interest in fixies or fancy cycling swag, thanks, but I WOULD like to craft a really aesthetically pleasing back-rack (the milk crate is dead, long live the milk crate).
      My main interest in a bike co-op for ladies would be ensuring they had the right tools, and knowing that it would be like a stitch-and-bitch — a place to go and get greasy and commiserate with others about how much it sucks to bike sometimes.

  39. citizenchristy +18

    As stated yesterday, I had knee surgery today and am now lying in bed, wearing bomb-ass pajama pants with polar bears on them and a fucking gigantic knee brace. My right leg is so useless right now and I’m so bad at crutches that I literally sat and scooted up to our fourth floor apartment with my husband spotting me. (Sorry, ladies, taken.) I’m not allowed to shower for two days and I’m pretty sure at least one of the myriad nurses aiding me wanted to throttle me for ripping the inner lining of the hospital gown out before putting it on because I didn’t think it was supposed to be there.

    tl;dr KNEE SURGERY IS A COMEDY OF ERRORS.

    1. msjinxie +3

      Well, either the meds are working or you’re healing great because you sound hella perky 🙂 I hope your convalescence goes smoothly and quickly and you’re up on your feet before you run out of tv and books.

    2. Elsa is Emily +3

      Oh, man, giving up mobility even temporarily can be frustrating. How long will you be abed? Do you have plenty of distractions? Do you need reading/podcast recs/gifs? DO YOU HAVE GREAT DRUGS?

      1. citizenchristy +2

        1. I’m actually acouch right now and will be till Sunday, with the aid of crutches to get me to and from the bathroom and bed, basically. Then I have the brace for the next ten days. Not terrible! I can even go to work on Monday! (Which, fine, but they better all treat me like the princess that I am.)
        2. So many distractions exist in the forms of the Internet, Mario Kart 3DS, and Amazon Prime and Netflix.
        3. I would freaking LOVE reading recs, particularly if they’re longreads on the web.
        4. SO MUCH PERCOCET, MAN. It’s not erasing the pain completely but it’s doing great work.

    3. the_lovecats +2

      Your hospital gown had an inner lining?? That is a wonderfully fancy hospital!
      Good luck on your healing. Yay polar bears.

  40. ladyimogen +16

    One of my characters lost her soul this week, but that devil was just so charming… also went on a date with a once-charming smuggler, defeated an assassin, engaged in duels, and won some shroom hopping races. A Very Productive Week, indeed!

    1. octopoda +8

      Out of context this comment reads very funny :). I’m becoming quite the consort of devils myself. Only a matter of time before I lose my soul too I suppose.

    3. spring chickens +4

      the once-dashing smuggler is fun but bonkers! I refused to go on one of his dates. His response? The next day he piled three bleeding/semidead bodies outside my door and a bottle of wine, and a note about how he was just stopping by and found these people who looked “threatening” on my doorstep and I should be more “careful”!

  41. ellehmariat +8

    Toasties, I am a little over three years into my grad program in chemical engineering and I have reached that point where I feel like everything I do is horrible and I am a horrible person. I was warned that this would happen but of course I never thought it would happen to *me*. I love the idea of research but it turns out that I don’t actually like doing it so I am starting to investigate other job options. I do think I will stick it out for the last two years but I need to make some changes so that I’m not completely miserable/anxious the whole time, especially since I have learned that I have rampant perfectionism plus avoidance and I don’t actually enjoy doing anything research-related due to fear of failing at it. Anyone else experiencing grad school woes this week?

    1. literarysara +8

      I know this sounds really basic, but I’d encourage you to do a detailed pro/con list of everything you don’t like about doing research. I tell this story all the time, but: I was reading a book called What Are You Doing To Do With That? about transitioning from grad school to the nonacademic job market, and I made some friends do the exercises with me (involving the pro/con list as well as a list of your proudest moments doing anything), and it helped me articulate some very specific things about what I liked and didn’t like about being an academic. (Ex: “I hate grading” became “I actually really like reading student work and seeing how I’ve helped them grow but I hate having to do this for fifty people in a rush all at one time, and GPA is bullshit.)
      The goal would be to turn your discomfort and unhappiness into some specific, positive statements about what you DO want–perhaps that will put you on a different track in research, or inform your search if you decide to leave academia.

      1. ellehmariat +5

        This would be a helpful exercise for me to do! Part of my problem is I am having trouble figuring out what I actually want to do as a job (up til now I’ve been doing what I’m “supposed” to do). Right now I am in such an anxiety spiral that it’s hard to think clearly. I am going on vacation in one week and I’m hoping that getting away will give me some clarity to start thinking about what I really want my life to be like. I know for sure that I don’t want to be a professor though, and admitting that has been really freeing.

        1. literarysara +7

          I feel that. I’m a humanities PhD candidate, and I’ve been working for the last few years in book marketing, but before I wound up here I really felt at a loss for what I wanted to do. I liked teaching college, but I cannot live on adjunct pay, and I’d already tried and abandoned teaching high school. Other than that, what was I trained to do? I was trained to be a student and a teacher and a reader, what else was there?

          In fact you are a high-functioning, skilled worker–but it can be a challenge to name your skills and preferences without couching them in terms of academic success. That’s what I loved about that book I mentioned–it really helped me see over the high walls–and I think you might benefit from walking through exercises like those. (I summarize a couple here.) Also, does your university offer career counseling? Check the HR website, just in case. The point of all of this is not necessarily to get you out of there, but to remind you that grad school is not the whole world. To let go if you’re holding on to any idea that you’re not living up to grad school’s rigorous standards, or that you’re not making good on your investment if you diverge from the well-trodden path.

      2. SgtExposition +5

        I would second this. I’m in a Humanities Ph.D. program and I’ve had to do something similar recently because I’ve hit burnout stage with my teaching load. Focusing on what you like and what makes it worthwhile helps clarify your desires – which ultimately may not be working in academia.

    2. octopoda +4

      May or may not be helpful, I have a friend who got a PhD in Mech E, but by the end of it she was so fed up with the program / her cohort / advisors that she went into a completely different (and I think lucrative) field for her career and seems very happy with that decision. I think it is something like consulting, I’m not sure the details of her work.

    3. lemonadefish +6

      No real suggestions, but I would like to say that my father in law is a chemical engineer, and he is very happy managing industrial plants of various sorts. So that’s an option for you. I’m sure you’ve uncovered such things, but sometimes it helps to hear about Actual People who do them…

      And also: grad school is terrible. Always, i think. Don’t let it affect your image of yourself too much. it’s supposed to suck!

    4. beachlass +4

      Giant hugs. I survived the last year of grad school largely on my mother’s confidence that I would survive it.

    5. Goomaly +4

      Does it help if I tell you I admire you SO MUCH for doing science? I know it’s probably nothing like I imagine, but still. I admire you and you’re so smart and clever and everything will turn out. If nothing else, you’ll still have your brains!

      Also I used to work at NASA in the research library (also nothing like you’d imagine it) and when the drudgery of being a desk jockey got to be too much, I’d go to the gift shop after a school tour. The children were so starry eyed and OUTER SPACE excited. Maybe you just need to get out of your brain for an afternoon.

      1. ellehmariat +4

        Thanks, that does help! These feelings have been building up for a few months and came to a head when I had A Setback in which I found out I was Doing Something Wrong. This resulted in me having a persistent anxious stomach for the past week and generally feeling awful and having fight or flight “get out now” feelings towards grad school.

        But if I zoom out and remember the larger picture with my project, I really do like it and it is really worthwhile to be working on, even if it is hard and sometimes I will make mistakes. I met with my advisor and told him I need to start having regular one on one meetings with him (as opposed to only seeing him during group meetings with 10 other people) and I am trying to find a therapist. I think after my vacation I will feel a lot better.

    6. mollyculetheory +4

      I don’t really have an answer to your question because I am still postdoccing along like an idiot but ohh do I sympathize with the “perfectionism plus avoidance.” Also, my “if I don’t actually DO the experiment yet, I can’t mess it up! Perfect solution!” is directly proportional to how expensive the experiment is and right now my experiments are RILL $$$$ ):

    7. normal_catlady +2

      I graduated with my PhD in ChE earlier this year, and up to about a week before my defense, I still thought about quitting. I totally know how you feel and it is terrible. My annoying suggestion is to network extensively starting now because the job market is depressing unless your thesis is directly related to entry level PhD positions. I think it helps to read job descriptions to find out what is available and what skills are required. This gives you time to pick up new skills or narrow down what types of jobs sound interesting/awful. There are all these jobs that I didn’t know existed. Doing this motivated me to finish. Good luck!!

      1. ellehmariat +1

        Congrats on finishing your PhD! Also thanks for the reply. I am really hoping that things will start to look up in the next month or two, but that will partially depend on whether I am able to make changes in the way I think about research and approach my work. I am also hoping to get an industry internship this summer. What are some of the jobs that you didn’t know existed?

        1. normal_catlady +1

          Ooo, industry internship sounds like a good idea, good luck! All the grad students I know who did one thought it was worthwhile. I’m not sure what industry your research falls under, but I’m looking into pharma/biotech R&D and there are a variety of jobs (not all entry level) like technical writing, science liaisons??, quality control, automation coding, testing counterfeit drugs, etc.

    8. manulpika +2

      Late to the party but as a non-academic who works in a university with grad students, I can tell you that this is very common. Science is still basically set up like a medieval guild, in which you enter as an apprentice (grad student), find work as a journeyman (post doc, adjunct, if you’re lucky, national lab staff scientist) and then theoretically (but actually probably not) you become a master/professor. The system is not really set up to make most people who aren’t professors happy, and you get paid very little because your real compensation is membership in a professional club. Disliking being a chemical engineering apprentice is not your fault and you are not alone.

      Research setbacks are also normal and happen to everyone. One thing I would recommend is to think about the timeline you imagine for your progress towards graduation, and make sure it includes a realistic amount of time spent getting non-results and having work go nowhere. I hear a lot of graduate students say that they aren’t making progress or are falling behind when setbacks happen, when in fact every single graduate student ever has spent time working on things that don’t produce results. It is not a detour off the path of research, it is an inevitable part of research.

  42. perianwen +5

    I got another THANKS BUT NO THANKS WE HIRED SOMEONE ELSE HA HA HA HA email yesterday. *glum*

    In other news…
    Do you know anyone who is an HP fan who might like a little tote bag? I have a few left I’d like to sell, mostly Hufflepuff (I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE). I don’t anticipate getting back into making more as they’re pretty labour-intensive.
    etsy shop link: https://www.etsy.com/shop/perianiel?ref=hdr_shop_…

    Additionally, if I may, I’m trying to win a trip to the London premiere of the Hobbit, via this contest. It has the awesome benefit of being a fundraiser for books for kids, which is win all around I think. If you want to participate too, donating via this link gets me an extra entry and I will <3 you forever for it – http://bit.ly/1xyt6HL I know my odds aren’t great, given the number of people who are donating at the super-high levels, but at least a few kids will get books out if it and that is a Good Thing, n’est-ce pas?

  43. highjump +6

    I want to take a trip to Europe at this time next year and visit WWI/Great War relevant sites. But I kind of don’t know where to begin bc people spend their whole lives studying this. Probably going to need to stick to the Western Front area, as interesting as it would be to see the Eastern. Start in France? In Germany? What are the must sees in between? Oh lord, I’m going to have to rent a car, right?

    What would be a reasonable amount to cover in 7-10 days? Anyone ever done anything like this?

    1. rallisaurus +2

      OMG! I cannot help you but I want to do this toooo! So badly!

      I did go to Ypres on a train from Ghent last year. It was…well, long story short, Dutch sure does have a lot of K words in it.
      Ypres was pretty cool, I thought the Cloth Hall/Museum was pretty neat and the Menin Gate was awesome, but I wished I’d had a car or something so we could actually see the countryside. So, probably yes to the car? I know there are bus tours, day trips and up. That might be something to look into if you’re scared of renting a car in Europe.

      Also, please post any updates about this awesome vacation plan! I realllly want to go to Verdun next year, but I will take any WWI tourism I can get!

      1. highjump +1

        That museum sounds great from my light googling. Driving in another country sounds stressful (especially with signs in languages I really really don’t understand like Flemish) so I might go the tour bus route to get out onto some battlefields.

    2. craftalchemy +3

      I can’t answer the larger question, but off the top of my head I would say start in France and see the war cemeteries there (I knew the numbers from History, but did not even start to understand what they actually meant until we visited Normandy and saw cemeteries with 20,000+ graves in one place).

      Also, if you can, I remember the Caverne du Dragon being interesting. It’s a place where they hit a cave system when digging out the trenches, so naturally expanded into the caves. Both sides did this, to the extent that at one point the wall between them was only about ten feet thick. http://www.caverne-du-dragon.com/en/default.aspx

      1. highjump +1

        That cave system sounds super interesting, thanks! Maybe assembling a number of specific sites relatively near each other would be a way to go about this? Seeing everything in one trip is not possible but I do want to see trenches, battlefields, and memorials.

    3. kellrowland

      My advice would be to pick one or two places and focus on those. You’ll never be able to see everything and rather than stretching yourself thin over a short period dig deep into a couple places. I can highly recommend the WWI exhibit at the Imperial War Museum!

    4. bocadelperro +2

      Yes this is definitely a thing that people do and it is possible to do a pretty interesting tour in a week.
      There are lots of guidebooks specifically on the war.
      This is the best: http://www.amazon.com/Fields-War-Battlefields-Fra…
      This one is new and looks pretty interesting, but is geared towards people interested in the UK side of things: http://www.amazon.com/World-War-Battlefields-Muse…
      Depending on where you wind up going, you may not have to rent a car. You’d be surprised how far you can get in the countryside in Northern Europe with just the train and your feet.

      1. highjump +1

        Thank you! I don’t know why I didn’t turn these up through my initial googling. The planned routes I’ve come across seem a little Dad-ish, not that it wouldn’t be a certain kind of fun to pal around with a tour bus full of Dads, but though WWI history is my main purpose I will surely intersperse these visits to memorials with visits to the gay bar and such so designing something myself is ideal. Though a little overwhelming.

    5. spring chickens +1

      you have almost certainly already read this, but just in case: Barbara Tuchman, The Guns of August! I would use that fantastic book as a guide to sites I didn’t want to miss.

    6. hedgelet +1

      I know I’m super late but I did this with my parents! We went to Ypres and…some other places. The biggest piece of advice I have is to try to stay with locals. I was there in 2007 or so, and if I remember correctly, when we got to a town we would go to the local tourist office and ask about bed and breakfasts…I think my mom booked a few places ahead of time for us, too. We did rent a car but thankfully I didn’t have to drive at all. It also took way longer to get places than we had planned because the speed limits were generally lower than what we were used to.

      And yes, much of the tourist stuff we did was very Dad-like. It was fine, as I was with my extremely Dad-on-vacation Dad, but maybe not the best fir for you? Ah I want to go back–I hope you have a great time! Here’s to history adventures!

  44. IntensiveClare +5

    My now-husband came home with me the first Christmas we’d been going out. This was kind of a Big Deal in my family, as none of us had ever brought home significant others for the holidays before (I was 24). My parents had met him when they visited me, about four months after we started seeing each other. But it was fine, everyone got along, ate all the food etc.

    I think it largely depends on family dynamics; hopefully if you and your Dude decide to join your family it will be a fun time. But if holidays tend to be Fraught Occasions, perhaps introduce him in a non-holiday setting? Good luck either way!

    That was in reply to Vmartinipie, as intensedebate is being weird as ever.

  45. SmrtCookie +9

    Boyfriend and I are hosting Friend-giving next weekend and we’re woefully unprepared. Give me your recipes! Especially apps and veggies that don’t need the oven! Also please give me reassurances that my friends love me and don’t need fancy cocktails, table clothes, and matching silverware!

    2. rhymeswitheight +3

      You can cook any kind of squash in the microwave! Just pierce holes in the outside with a knife/fork so it doesn’t explode and cook til it’s soft.

      Also, as far as apps, I think that the greatness of some tasty cheese and crackers can never be overstated.

    3. dakimel +8

      They need no such thing! Plus, you totally have to save setting out silverware until the Early Friend arrives, because it’s best to have tasks on hand for the Early Friend to do while you find that one serving bowl you know was in that cabinet just last week.

    4. lemonadefish +4

      Your friends will love it! So long as there is something to eat, and plenty of something to drink, nothing needs to be fancy. Appetizers should be light, since there are so many potatoes to eat later. I like the traditional suburban relish tray quite a lot (pickled anything, olives, maybe a pepper spear). Cheese can be nice, but you have to watch out for filling up on it. For veggies, you can steam or saute most anything and have it come out pretty tasty. You can even grate Parmesan over the top after, in case you were worried about it not being rich enough.

    5. paperbgprincess +4

      make sure there’s wine and you’ll be GOLDEN. friendsgiving is all the best parts of eating and drinking and none of the shitty family parts, it’s awesome and everyone will have a great time!

      deviled eggs!

    6. Rillquiet +3

      The Famquiet recipe for cranberry relish is best made at least a day ahead, involves no cooking per se, and tastes amazing: Take one bag of fresh cranberries and one fresh navel orange; wash both (scrub the orange if you like, but don’t take off the skin); whack the orange into chunks; place peel-on chunks and cranberries in a food processor; add maybe one cup of sugar. Pulse until the orange is incorporated and the cranberries are in bits. Set the product in the fridge to chill. After a day, you’ll have a garnet-colored relish that is sweet and tart, an excellent foil for creamy mashed potatoes, turkey, or vast wodges of savory starch. And nobody needs to know how easy it was or whether you ate surreptitious spoonfuls for quality control.

    7. stephanieho +1

      Tuna tapenade! (I just use regular canned tuna, because no one’s got time for Ina’s “GOOD italian tuna!!!” shit) http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/cro…

      Stove top brussels sprouts http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/goldencruste…

      Also for fancier events I usually do a build your own crostini… I just toast a bunch of bread and set out ricotta, olive oil, roasted bell peppers, various cheeses, olives, smoked salmon, sliced radishes, whatever I find that’s pre-made/canned/very easily sliced and goes on bread.

    8. Beakses +2

      I usually make the sweet potatoes, dressing and pies the day before- then when the turkey is resting the sweet potatoes and dressing can go in the oven to heat up – oh, and rolls too, I guess- getting those suckers so that they’ve risen but not over-risen when the turkey comes out is always a little tricky, but I use the King Arthur Flour honey wheat roll recipe and they taste awesome anyways. Stuffing and sweet potatoes can heat at whatever temp the rolls need to cook at.

      Sweet potato recipe changes every year, dressing is my mom’s recipe and is measured in things like “skillet-fulls.” Pumpkin pie recipe off the back of the can, with sweetened condensed milk instead of evaporated, less sugar, and more spices.

      There’s a brussels sprout recipe that involves shredded brussels sprouts, dried cranberries and pecans or walnuts that I always think of as my husband’s courting recipe since it was the first one he shared with me- it’s very thanksgiving-y and also stovetop only.

      Wine is good- I also usually dump apple cider in the crockpot with some cinnamon sticks and cloves for a non-alcoholic fancy beverage option.

    1. Girl Named Jack +10

      I stared at this for like 30 seconds, waiting for the gif to finish loading. DAWNING REALIZATION

  47. shartbreaker +1

    Happy friday, Toasties!
    Before I get to reading on everyone’s lives, I was wondering: are there any web designers looking for work? I want to have a webcomic but computers appear to be the only thing that makes me suuuuper anxious and I can’t do it myself.
    I have a Wix website and a Godaddy website. And disposable income.
    Thanks and happy friday 🙂

    1. ejbaker13 +1

      (web design-y person here) – Tumblr’s Simple Webcomic theme is totally free, totally mindless to use, and totally adequate, IMO. In my experience, Wix isn’t really set up with the kind of template that would be effective for a comic.

        1. allanaaa +1

          You can. Use your godaddy domain for a WordPress install and throw a hundred or two at some college kid in your area.

          1. inkling +1

            I’ve actually posted a craigslist ad of that nature in my college town but no bites yet. I guess I’m feeling like I’d rather collaborate with someone/promote some else artsy? Which probably just means I’m looking for artsy friends. I will suck it up and check the tumble page, thanks ejbaker!

  48. rallisaurus +14

    I’m having a weird day (week? month? life?) so this post will be very much all over the place as a result.

    1. I bought a loom and it is so much fun! I wove a scarf in a day! Take that knitting! I can now conquer my stash!

    2. My work’s new building is right in the area being described by Serial and now my 6am drive to work through Patapsco State Park seems a lot creepier.

    3. I got rear-ended this morning, so that was a JOY. There wasn’t any damage, but it was a rental car and I already have back issues and I really don’t want this to be a thing. I can just wish it away right? Like how I can mentally tell myself not to bleed during childbirth?

    4. Anyone got some good ankle boot recommendations? Preferably something 2″ or less and comfy!

    1. GreenGrasses +1

      I just got these (I’ll just paste the link because markup doesn’t seem to be working):
      <a href=”http://us.asos.com/bertie/bertie-palace-chelsea-flat-boots/prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=4399436&clr=Black&SearchQuery=chelsea+boot&pgesize=36&pge=1&totalstyles=103&gridsize=3&gridrow=3&gridcolumn=1″ target=”_blank”&gt <a href=”http://;http://us.asos.com/bertie/bertie-palace-chelsea-f…” target=”_blank”>;http://us.asos.com/bertie/bertie-palace-chelsea-f…

      and they’re super comfy and needed very little breaking in! ETA: It appears they’re sold out on ASOS but I think this brand is carried by tons of place on the internet.

    2. lil_gary +2

      I’ve been debating getting a loom for ages. I should go for it, right? What kind did you get? Tell me more!

      1. ellehmariat +2

        I’m interested in hearing more too! I would love to get one but they seem kind of expensive.

        1. rallisaurus +2

          If you can at all try one at first that really helps! I would not have taken the plunge if I couldn’t have played around with it first. And if you see my response to @lil_gary below, I’ve heard they tend to keep your value if you’re willing to go through the trouble to resell.

      2. rallisaurus +4

        I got a 20″ Ashford Knitters Loom, mostly because my friend loaned me her 12″ one to try out. I’m still such a newbie that the thought of having anything other than a rigid heddle loom is terrifying. This loom comes with a booklet that makes the whole weaving process pretty simple. There are also a youtube video I found helpful. But basically, I knew nothing and I just started and made a scarf just fine!
        For my purposes it works great, because I’m mainly using it as a temporary knitting replacement and stash buster. I don’t think I’ll ever feel the need to weave rugs or cloth or anything mucho complicated. And I got some books at the library about what you can do on a rigid heddle and it seemed good enough for me. Like you can do some lace and obviously as much color as you want as well as some cool textural things.

        I bought my loom on ebay for like $40 less than store bought. It’s brand new, so I’m pretty pleased. I bought a stand and some extra reeds from The Woolery and they shipped them out super fast.

        Let me know if you have any other questions. I’m a total newbie, but I’m totally getting into it!
        Oh, and I’ve heard that looms keep their value pretty well, so if you buy one and change your mind then you could probably get most of your money back by selling it on ebay or something.

      1. CleverManka +2

        Clarks is no longer making the ankle boots I have by them, but yeah, mine are two years old and going strong. Clarks are FANTASTIC. If you can’t afford Fryes or Seychelles, Clarks and Borns are next best, IMO.

        1. rallisaurus +1

          Yeah, I’ve had good luck with both Clarks and Borns and I have yet to try on a pair of Fryes. I already spend too much on shoes, I can’t imagine what would happen if I started craving Fryes!

          Lately I’ve really had some good luck with Eccos too, on the pricey side, but they seem to work with my feet really well, whereas Clarks are often too narrow for me.

        2. stephanieho +1

          I feel like they are sliiiightly lower quality than old school Clarke’s… the heel is plastic, for example, but the leather upper has been doing well.

      2. catoclock +1

        Oh mannnnn those are adorable! How do you find them size-wise? Some of the reviews are suggesting they run a little big.

        NOT THAT I NEED MORE BOOTS

        1. stephanieho +1

          I have wider feet (and I’m a size 9) and they fit me pretty well overall! They’re a little loose if I’m just wearing hose, but with warm socks I feel like they’re just right.

    4. Nausikaa

      Softspots! The most comfortable boots I’ve ever owned. They have a thick memory foam inner sole, so they conform to your foot, and the heel is usually two inches or a tiny bit over. I don’t know how easy they are to find – I got mine in Northampton – but they are wonderful.

  49. ladyimogen +4

    Toasties who live in Minneapolis/St. Paul, or Madison, or Kansas, please tell me about your cities/states! What is good about living there? What should a prospective inhabitant know?

    1. highjump +10

      I used to live in Minneapolis. I miss it all the time and go back to visit my siblings and friends as often as I can. The winter is intense, digging your car out will get super old. And it is not a particularly dense area so having a car or at least a car share is almost required. While MN is not as white as you might think (large Hmong and Somali populations as well as vibrant AA and Hispanic communities) the achievement gap between whites and non-whites is large. Very diverse but still quite segregated.

      But there are so many great things! Generally affordable, generally progressive, generally friendly people. Amazing art and music scene. Out of this world food and drink culture. Beautiful natural areas very close to the city. I wish I could pick up my job in DC and move it back to the Twin Cities.

      1. ladyimogen +4

        Oh, these are wonderful things to hear! I’m from Maine originally and live in Alaska now, so winters I can handle 🙂

        1. highjump +4

          Excellent! Just work on the accent and you’ll fit right in.

          Not a great seafood scene in MN, except for freshwater fish.

          1. ladyimogen +5

            Cool! Yeah, I would not move to Maine without a job lined up, unless you’re in the health care industry. I had friends with very expensive degrees SHARING a barista job. But other than work, Maine is heaven.

    2. jenavira +3

      Madison (Wisconsin, I’m assuming?) is suuuper laid back and very progressive. (“Several square miles surrounded by reality,” is the description usually referred to.) If you have ever felt like you are just a little bit too much like a hippie for the real world, you will feel painfully normal in Madison. Lots of great food, although the Ethiopian place on State Street recently closed and I am heartbroken. The rental market is not great, thanks to all the students, and if you want to live anywhere near downtown be prepared for a truly chaotic moving experience on August 1st as literally every apartment in a five-mile radius turns over on the same day. (I have no idea what non-rental housing is like.)

      I lived on the north side for six years and I miss it every day. Even if we did have a winter so awful one year that Mayor Dave declared it to be spring on the first of March.

    3. stephanieho +7

      MSP is one of my favorite places to be in the summer. Great food scene, great people, amazing art and music scene, fairly progressive. They’re also trying to put in more public transportation, which is really cool to me. It can be jarringly midwestern if you are not from this area.

      Madison is basically the Austin of the north (not sure if this analogy works for you). It’s quite a bit smaller, but there’s a lot of interesting food, bars, and concerts. The school brings a lot of interesting… dynamics… but it’s a cool place to hang out for a few years. I’d probably live near downtown if you’re thinking about renting. ONE THING: they stop selling liquor really, really early so make sure you plan well!

    4. newglasses +1

      Kansas can be roughly divided into Western and Eastern Kansas. Western Kansas is the Kansas people are thinking of based on Little House in the Prairie, Dorothy, and every western that uses ‘Dodge City’ as a reference. There aren’t many jobs and it can be really isolated. (I lived in Hays and Ellis KS for several years, my brother lives in Wichita, and some of my family is from Goodland.)

      Eastern Kansas is more the usual Midwestern farm state, with, as others have noted, the dying mining region that is SE Kansas. Going by the interests of most Toasties, I would agree that probably the Topeka/Lawrence/KC area would be more of what you are expecting in a place to live. But if you are from really large urban areas, you will probably notice the small urban area ‘we do too have city things’ vibe. Many people who work or go to school in Lawrence and KC live in Topeka, because the housing is way cheaper there. Yeah, either coast will laugh at the ‘low’ rents, but you’re not going to make a coastal salary here either, unless someone is trying to lure you here for their company (which does happen).

      One of my nephews lives in Lawrence and he pays the same amount for one room as my nephew who lives in Topeka does for an apartment he shares with his girlfriend. Also, it is almost required to own a car. The mass transit in any of the urbanish areas is difficult to use and you may or may not have access to mass transit that will actually get you to and from your job, depending on where you live and where your job is.

      If you like to camp and hike, there’s a lot of places to go. There’s some good trails even in the urban areas. There’s kayaking, but no whitewater to speak of, just dangerous weir dams on the Kaw (Kansas). 😉

      Culturally, it depends on what you are looking for. There are many tiny arts scenes and music scenes, etc. and there’s probably some people who share your views and outlook on life, but finding them may be difficult. I tend to go clubbing or other nightlife type stuff in KCMO, because, yeah, the Lawrence nightlife skews to the college age people. That said, I am probably going over to Lawrence for an exciting evening of doing some research at the KU libraries and dinner on Mass. Street tonight, ha!

      Is that helpful? I’m not sure what you want to know, specifically. 🙂

      1. ladyimogen +2

        That is super helpful! Just trying to get a sense of place at this point, and decide whether it is a place I could conceive of living- it sounds like it is!

      2. Bothari +1

        I know this was four days ago, but I’m behind on my Toast-reading, but I’m from Hays so I had to comment! This is all terribly accurate. I lived in Hays from fourth grade to sophomore year in college, then Lawrence for the next ~15 years. I just left last spring, sniff. Who knew there were so many Kansas Toasties? Visitors always thought it was weird that we described anything west of Topeka as “western Kansas” even though that’s pretty much the whole state. I hope your dinner on Mass. Street was delish!

    5. lilsebastian01 +8

      MINNEAPOLIS IS THE BEST. You’re gonna want to live in Minneapolis, not St Paul (probably, I don’t know your life). I live in South Minneapolis (Powderhorn area) and Northeast is also good. The food, beer, culture, access to nature, people, politics, pretty much everything except the weather is the best. I particularly love Hard Times Cafe, which is a super cheap vegetarian punk restaurant, but there’s a bajillion great restaurants. What kind of stuff do you like to do?

      1. ladyimogen +2

        Awesome! I like ALL THE THINGS you listed! Biggest for me is probably access to hiking/walking/outdoorsy spaces, so knowing it’s not too hard to access is sweet.

    6. jfmason +7

      <3 Madison! Quintessential experience: Sitting on the UW-Madison terrace in the summer, sharing a pitcher of local beer with friends, watching people sail around Lake Mendota.
      1) The setting: abundance of city parks, bike trails, convenient forest areas, all set between two lovely lakes that are great for watersport in summer and ice fishing (or in my case, being amused by the fact of ice fishing) in winter. People are surprisingly (to me) outdoorsy considering how cold winter can get, and summers are just perfect.
      2) Community: I’ve found people to be very welcoming, have had an easy time making friends through Meetup and local political/activist groups. The state may have Issues going on with queer/women’s/racial justice/economic justice things, but you will not feel alone in caring about them.
      3) Schools: I don’t have kids, but parents seem to like the school system pretty well. Also at least one middle school has a dedicated group of kids who unicycle to school every day. And there’s UW, which does all the things a major research university does for a town (young people energy, classes to take, public lectures, very stable economic base, etc).
      4) Food: a small city, yes, but there’s a food scene with tasty new places every year and it’s not too expensive to take part even on a grad student budget. Active community of folks concerned about food, so organic, small farm, locally made almost-everything is pretty easy to find, and there are neighborhood farmers’ markets all around town in addition to the giant tourist-friendly downtown market. Lots of great beer and pub food. And for some reason we have at least four excellent bread bakeries. I am completely spoiled on bread.

      1. socktantrum +3

        I was trying to write a response but I think I’m just going to second everything that jfmason just said. I came to Madison from a slightly smaller East Coast college town, and Madison has totally blown me away. Gorgeous, with a very engaged community, and you can find pretty much anything you want food and lifestyle-wise. And beer is really cheap. That is all.

      2. ladyimogen +1

        So many good things! I am a bread addict, you’re telling me all the magic words, and access to outdoorsy things to be happy, and all this is making me feel really good!

    7. freshwaterpearl +8

      I don’t know if the car thing is an issue for you, but in response to some others saying you need a car in the Twin Cities, I live in Saint Paul and I don’t have a car! I get rides home from friends when it is late; otherwise, a combination of buses, light rail, biking, and sometimes car-sharing services have gotten me through (I had an HourCar membership when my job required me to get out to the suburbs). The public transit is definitely improving here. In the wintertime, even though it’s harder to get around, I prefer not having a car and not having to deal with snow emergency parking, driving on the rather poorly maintained streets (this is my number 1 gripe about civic services here), and scraping ice off windshields.

      Saint Paul is an older city whose character is more determined by being the capital, having historic homes, and having several liberal arts colleges. Minneapolis is younger (historically and demographically), bigger, home to the U of M, and has more museums and tall buildings. The big Hmong community is in Saint Paul and the big Hispanic and Somali communities are in Minneapolis, but of course people move around. The cities bicker for superiority but it’s all done with love–I love Saint Paul, and I find it more beautiful than Minneapolis, but it would be a much less interesting place to live without Minneapolis being there.

      The Twin Cities as a whole have an amazing literary and theater scene–in addition to the Guthrie, which is pretty well known, there are more independent theatrical companies in both cities than you can shake a stick at, and an enormous fringe festival in the summer. The Loft Literary Center and multiple MFA programs in the area have helped foster a blossoming, quirky, supportive literary community. We still have multiple strong independent bookstores. My friends in the visual arts have found a strong community here too, which you can see showing itself off at the art festivals and studio crawls and things. I’m not a huge fan of the Walker myself, but they do a lot of trendy/new art stuff, and the Minneapolis Institute of Arts is well curated and diverse and free. There are also an impressive number of professional puppet artists around here. The May Day parade in Minneapolis has to be seen to be understood. It’s also a very progressive area politically, and parts of it are very hippie/homemade/vegan/earth-friendly/social-justice-focused (I’m thinking right now of my friends in South Minneapolis). 3M is here, so there’s also some Science going on in addition to all that Art.

      If you move here, it’s helpful to have some way to meet new people where you’ll be seeing them on a regular basis, whether that means being part of a religious community or joining a choir or volunteering or what. People tend to be friendly right away but it takes a while to actually make friends–not because they don’t like you, just because they’re not used to you being around yet. The culture can be passive-aggressive, or just plain passive, which can be frustrating for some, but there are a fair number of transplants here from other places and they help shake things up.

      I’ll stop now! But I really love it here, even if I am not super happy with the snow and ice that fell on us this week.

      1. ladyimogen +1

        That all sounds so good. The bit about the differences between Minneapolis and Saint Paul is really helpful! We’ll definitely have a car/truck wherever we end up, and we’ve got good snow/winter coping skills. Thank you for such a great reply!

    8. logicbutton +2

      Any prospective inhabitant of the Twin Cities area should know that I am more than willing to show you around and help you settle in!

  50. thebellewitch +9

    I forgot it was Friday until I saw the Open Thread! What a relief – it has been a crappy week. Record-breaking deep freeze and OF COURSE our furnace went on the fritz. So that was fun. And I got to feel mediocre about my ability to cope with it, which has spilled over into feeling lots of mediocrity about pretty much every domain of my life.

    Ugh, how do you all get yourselves out of serious lack-of-confidence ruts? I feel so in limbo about work and so like I’m making no progress domestically (I’m not even sure what progress I want to be making! Just something that I can look at and go, “Good job, self! That is an improvement!”)

    1. Elsa is Emily +6

      The logic to this is pretty circular, but it works for me: I remind myself that I feel this way pretty often when external circumstances don’t warrant it, that experience has taught me that I am largely competent to Live My Life no matter what my emotional state says, and that this feeling will pass so there’s no point listening to it.

      (On the flip side, when I feel great about myself and my prospects, I treat that feeling as the bright and shining truth. I have not yet grappled with the enormous logical inconsistencies of these approaches, nor do I plan to.)

      I’m sorry about your furnace. That sounds frustrating, and it’s the kind of thing that could send anyone spinning into OH NO land.

  51. Linette +13

    I sold my little red truck!

    It was a 19-year-old Tacoma with nearly 300k miles on it and lots of cosmetic damage, so it is well that I sold it now for nearly three grand, but I still miss him. He was a good beastie and I will miss seeing him waiting for me around the corner of our apartment. (sniff sniff)

    Practical adult decisions. They are the worst. Tell me your tales of grown up things you did because it was smart even though you didn’t waaaaaaaanna.

    1. FreeRangeMenses +4

      I sold my “probably needs $10k in repairs” Volvo station wagon (RIP Curtis). Also, I go out for fancy drinks about 75% less than I want to.

    2. Elsa is Emily +7

      Mostly, it’s every pair of boots I didn’t buy because I don’t need them and can’t afford them. [Hello, I am the embodiment of a highly specific female stereotype pertaining only to comfortable boots.]

      1. SmrtCookie +6

        Mine is every cat I haven’t adopted. I am the embodiment of a very different but still highly specific female stereotype.

      2. Linette +8

        . . . I bought the boots. All of them. All the boots.

        I am probably not adulting as well as I think I am.

        1. Sunshine +2

          Two different vectors into Allie Brosh’s “Why I’ll Never Be An Adult”. Buy ALL THE BOOTS!

        2. Elsa is Emily +1

          Maybe you’re just more gainfully employed/have more space than I do. (Both of those are super duper likely, btw.) If I had both a lot of money and a large enough closet, I’d buy all the boots because I would wear all the boots.

    3. BellaG

      I’m going to be replacing my little Kia in January (I have Yet Another Expensive Repair scheduled for tomorrow — second one this week, completely unrelated issues). It’s around 153k miles, so things are starting to wear out.

      I had been sad for a while about selling it, and I’m still sad that I soon won’t have it anymore. (But on the other hand, I’d really like to stop spending entire days at the mechanic waiting for my car to be fixed.)

      1. RoseCamelia +1

        Sorry about having to say goodbye to your little Kia. I get attached to cars too. If you are buying a new car (not used) be sure you do it at the end of a month. Best done at the end of the year, if you could make it December instead of January. Dealers are motivated to boost their year-end or month-end sales. Good luck.

  52. noodge4lyfe +6

    SO! New Boo is coming to Thanksgiving at my sister’s house. All of my family are (understandably) feeling protective of me due to my past experiences with horrible exes. I “came out” to them about having a new boo about a month ago, and they asked lots of medium-heat grilling questions, which was good. This whole scene is much different than previous relationships, mostly due to a change in me in the last couple of years – heavily helped along by my superhero therapist and lots of work. They seems semi-mollified. Just semi.

    I think that when they meet him, they will convert to fully mollified due to the strength of his intelligent, self-deprecating, dorky, funny ways. But I’m still a bit nervous. Any good stories/tips from families meeting New Boos? Especially protective families?

    1. Elsa is Emily +5

      The unexpected thing my mother (who has not been the greatest about my partners in the past) said about the guy who became my husband: “I love seeing how sweet he is to you.”

      If New Boo is wild about you and shows it through kindness, either your family will appreciate that or their opinions in this matter aren’t super-duper important, right?

      1. noodge4lyfe +1

        you are so right. one of my friends who has met him likes him tremendously already based on the strength of his warmth towards me. Her (very Jewish) mother has an adjective for people who are just good people: Yummy… and he has earned this label from her. which is quite nice 🙂 I’ll let my stress subside…

  53. hearyoume +32

    Last Friday I had a surgery that I needed but couldn’t afford (haven’t met my deductible for insurance so it was out of pocket). I chose to have the surgery because I could have lost my big toe due to infection if I didn’t. I’m still recovering and I haven’t seen a bill yet but I’m so angry that I actually had to have the “do I want to live without a big toe” conversation EVEN THOUGH I HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE. The system is broken and I’m so upset about it.

    1. rallisaurus +4

      That sucks! I hope you don’t mind if I seethe with rage right along with you! But I hope you’re resting/healing as much as you need to!

    2. bunnybunny +1

      Ugh, I feel you. My premium is so high since I got my own insurance that I end up avoiding going to the doctor and subsequently am off the 3 different kinds of medication I used to take for my mental health. I just can’t afford the copays on top of the premium, especially because my deductible is super high and I’m nowhere near meeting it. It sucks hard. Hope you have a quick recovery.

      1. hearyoume +8

        It’s just frustrating because having insurance should mean getting the care you need, but that’s not always the case! So, what is even the point?

    3. sednarea51 +7

      Oh my god, I am sorry, that is fucking BULLSHIT. I am 100% with you on health insurance being broken- my deductible (on my excellent insurance!) is $2500, and I crashed through that by April with an appendectomy and three nights in the hospital. I am stupidly fortunate to have enough credit to pay bills- and a steady well-paying job to eventually pay off the credit card- but it’s such a Goddamn burden.

    4. Elsa is Emily +5

      First, most important: I am glad you got the care you needed. Good for you prioritizing your health over money anxiety.

      And yeah, it is INCREDIBLY FUCKED UP that you had to prioritize one over the other. That stinks.

      Is there any chance your hospital can work with you to reduce the cost if they know it’s all out of pocket? It’s worth asking the financial office if there’s any reduction they can offer.

      1. hearyoume +13

        Luckily the procedure was done at a surgical center owned by my doctor – so they’re reducing the price and letting me work out a payment plan (this doctor also doesn’t charge me copays because mine are so high. He is a Good Man and will be spared when the matriarchy rises)

  54. wallofillusion +7

    So the “boyfriend moves in” plan of last week has been nixed for now by mutual accord. All is well, and my parents were in fact great about it when I told them, but I thought I’d provide an update in case anyone’s like… tracking my life, or something.

    Things I need to accomplish before Thanksgiving: take my laptop in to be looked at by Tech People, as a diagnostics test run last night revealed that it’s thinking about having a hard drive failure in the near future. I mean, for now it’s working just great except for the occasional periods when it does not, but I’d like to forestall any more serious problems. 🙁

    1. Elsa is Emily +3

      Glad things are going well, even if not according to original plan. Sometimes that’s the best thing you can do!

      I am also having a laptop issue, and I am spending every single second on tenterhooks waiting for chaos to rain down. I should prob’ly be DOING MY WORK instead of hanging on the open thread.

    2. meowmischen +3

      I was in fact wondering about that and also wondering whether it would be weird to text you to ask about it. I settled on “probably weird” so I appreciate the update. 🙂

      1. wallofillusion +1

        I keep forgetting about this response but it was nice to hear from you! We should hang out some time between all the holidays coming up…

        1. meowmischen +1

          (I forgot about it too.) I’m definitely up for hanging out but am in hibernation mode so will never get it together to initiate plans. I’ll try to make it to the RCC winter concert! 🙂

  55. loren_smith +3

    Anyone interested in some personal finance talk? How are we all prepping for the holiday season?

    1. thecaitd +6

      ehhhh money is not going so great over at Chez Rasputin so I’ve decided I’m going to use my savings to pay off almost all my credit card debt for my birthday in February. It’s not an ideal birthday present but I will feel so free afterward!

      1. ach_so +2

        I just did that! It feels really nice. And it will be even nicer when I don’t have to put $100 toward it every month.

    2. bunnybunny +2

      Totally screwed with finances for the holidays 🙁 I’m a contractor so I don’t get paid time off, and our office is closed from the 24th to the 2nd and I’m not sure how much of that time we’ll be able to work from home. I’m not sure how I’ll even be able to make rent, let alone get gifts for everyone. Guess it’s time to whip out the credit card again, even though I’ve just got it almost paid off. Blaah.

    3. highjump +6

      Yes! My student loans are finally under $40k! And I’m on track to pay off my smallest loan.

      I am prepping for the holiday season by spending money very freely indeed. I love Christmas and I love buying gifts for people so I always struggle in not going overboard. So far it is going alright. I like to have all of my holiday shopping done by December 1st so I can chill and really enjoy the season. Not sure that is going to happen this year because of some non-financial factors, but I will try. I’m also throwing a Christmas party that will probably end up being a couple hundred dollars but very fun. I don’t keep a Christmas fund per se but I always have a dollar amount of how much money MUST remain in my short term savings by the New Year and then a ‘stretch goal’ of a bit more than that. At least this year I’m not hosting Thanksgiving.

      I do a lot of financial goal setting in January and I’m already starting to think about that. Anyone else have Money Goals/Resolutions 2015 thoughts?

      1. loren_smith +3

        Currently my January goal is to re-dedicate myself to frugality. We stepped off our savings for the holidays and I immediately went a bit overboard – I need to right my ship!

        1. highjump +2

          Discipline is always a good goal. I often feel like “I know what works for me but doing it is HARD”

    4. alicia +6

      By mutual agreement we are skipping presents again this year (nobody in my immediate family has kids), and celebrating with togetherness, food and decorating. It’s pretty great for anyone whose favorite holiday is Thanksgiving (me!) or is retired or unemployed (everyone except me).

    6. CaroWR +2

      Ugh, because of how payroll runs and because…our controller is an idiot, we’re getting paid a week early in December (we usually get paid on the last Friday of the month), which means there will be six weeks between December and January paydays. So that’s gonna be fun. I’m going to spend as little as I can in November so I’ll have money for holiday travel and presents and six stupid weeks of normal expenses.

        1. CaroWR +6

          Payroll has to be run on Wednesday in order for people to get paid on Friday, and we have January 2nd off. It shouldn’t matter that the place is closed on Friday, because everyone but one person gets direct deposit instead of a paper check. So really you’d think they could just run payroll on Tuesday. Then it A. wouldn’t matter if we closed early on the 31st, because payroll would already be run, and B. The one person with the paper check could have it mailed to them and it would arrive by Friday and she wouldn’t care anyway because she never cashes it right away.

          I raised the issue with my boss and he agreed that 6 weeks between paychecks sucked, and told me to email our Finance director. I did and she bounced back with a list of the holiday payroll dates for the last five years, two of which had a six week gap, including last year’s. I was like ‘I know. That’s how we know it’s pretty rough.’ But apparently ‘We’ve done this stupid thing before,’ is a good enough argument for them.

    7. cuminafterall +5

      Our finances are tighter than in past years because my husband’s in grad school full-time, plus all my cousins are having baby showers and baby birthday parties in the November-January timeframe. ACK. So I’m gonna be a healthy volunteer for a psychiatric research study, they’re giving me 2 MRIs and a PET scan and they’re paying me $500. For Science.

      1. loren_smith +1

        Oh wow, can you get through those baby showers without blowing the bank? I hate when people clump their parties together (selfishly, obviously)

    8. cait0716 +1

      Ugh, I feel like I’m leaking money right now. It’s fine. It’ll all be fine. But my dreams of taking a big chunk out of my student loans in the new year will probably get pushed back.

    9. lemonadefish +3

      I am prepping for the holiday season by lowering everyone’s expectations as much as possible. Having neither money nor time (and here I will blame the baby), I just don’t see a lot of presents happening. Which makes me sad, because I love presents. But I’m not going to charge presents, an I’m not going to give up any of my precious two hour chunks of sleep to make anything, so I guess it’s going to be a grinchy year.

  56. ct330 +6

    Soooo…has anyone ever had a roommate who wanted to break the lease early so they could move to a cheaper place? Did this work? Was it horrible? Did you lose a ton of money? Because…my brother just suggested we do that, ’cause he has an opportunity for a room for 500/month with a friend starting in January. Our lease goes through February. His suggestion for me? Move home to our parents place so I can save money. I’m going part time at work next week to focus on writing, and I had enough carefully saved up to be able to pay out through the rest of our lease then move in with a friend in March to a place I could afford on a part time salary.

    At my parents apartment? I would be sleeping on an air mattress in the living room because there is no space for me, really. I would have no room of my own, or desk, even, to write & I find it really difficult to write in their apartment anyway.* But that’s okay ’cause I’d be saving money!!!1!! (that I don’t actually strictly need to do right now because I had a PLAN.)

    We’re supposed to have a Long Talk about this tonight, with my parents (who are helping little bro with his rent because he had a terrible time trying to find a job and only recently got hired) but little bro has a music group practice thing he wants to go to tonight so….?

    PLEASE REGALE ME WITH ROOMMATE HORROR STORIES and/or just tell me everything will be ok? 🙁

    *I guess I could go to the library to write if I move home but…I like my room! My comfortable room in our apartment that I want to stay in for the next three months because I planned so carefully for that!

    1. bibliobotic +18

      It’s going to be okay, because your brother is not going to bail on your lease without finding a way to pay you his share of the last month’s rent so that your plan still works, RIGHT?? Or, alternately, he could stay in your lease but find a way to pay the new roommate for this share of the first month to reserve his room there. Can your parents help him with that?

      I mean, I understand that cheaper rent is a huge draw, but his solution is literally to bail on you in such a way that you have no choice but to move back in with your parents and sleep on an air mattress in a common area? Like?????????? I do not want to speak ill of your family because I don’t know them! But I’m afraid that that is shitbag behavior. HE is the one who wants out of the lease early, so he needs to find a way to make that work. Not just dump it on you.

      1. ct330 +9

        I…don’t know! He literally emailed me this yesterday, and seems to think that if we get new tenants lined up quickly enough, our landlord will give us back our security deposit? But…we’d be breaking the lease. Our landlord is a nice guy, but I’m fairly certain he’s not THAT nice. Plus we’d have to paint the apartment back to white, and I’ve been trying to sell this one big piece of furniture, and I just…I don’t know.

        My brother is 23, and he lives in his own world.

        I was thinking maybe I could stay on and sublet his room, and for whatever amount of time/$ the subletting doesn’t cover, my brother could reimburse me for? But I don’t know — our landlord would probably not go for that at all. I told my brother “At the very least you could have told me that you were consider this before I officially switch to a part time schedule” and he said “I just thought of it! LMAO can’t control when I have my thoughts!”

        and I just. Panic &rage & rinse and repeat.

        2. Räven +3

          If you and your brother are both on the lease, and your landlord is a person you can talk to, you should ask him which he would prefer, that you stay on and replace your brother for two months [with a found roommate] or that you both break the lease on 1/1. He might be like, great, more people move in January, it’s a better time for me to let the apartment! Or he might be like, no way am I replacing you guys during the holidays, if you break the lease you lose the deposit. Bibliobotic is correct though: your brother is responsible for paying out the last two months on your joint lease, or replacing himself with someone you and the landlord can agree to.

    2. meetapossum +4

      Ugh, that sucks.

      My roommate recently told me he wants to move out at the end of our lease (which is the end of February) so he can live alone again. Which I understand! But I sort of assumed we’d be roommates until one of us moved in with a significant other or something. I don’t have the funds to move, so I have to find a new roommate.

      The issue is, my roommate literally owns everything in our apartment except what’s in my bedroom and one comfy chair in the living room. I have no TV, no kitchen things, no furniture, no counter space without the things he brought in. So now that’s a whole other expense I have to worry about that I wasn’t planning for.

      (So uh, if anyone is looking for a place in Astoria, Queens, for March, let me know! Live with me and my doofy cat! The room is smallish, but you basically get the rest of the apartment to fill with your stuff!)

      1. ct330 +4

        UH I’M LOOKING IN ASTORIA QUEENS APPARENTLY

        ETA: Ugh DARN. Our timelines are like the exact same. It would have been so perfect if you could sublet my brother’s room and then we try to find a (cheaper plz) place in March (because even though I am moving to LI [or was! I’m in such a state of panic that I don’t even know what’s going on anymore] I would stay in Queens with Toastie if the price was right.

        1. meetapossum +3

          I’m afraid if you’re looking for something cheaper than where you are now, it’ll probably be too expensive 🙁 Rent is $822/person now, probably ~$840 with the yearly increase. But only 4 blocks from the Astoria Blvd stop! Next door to BZ Grill and the glorious Astoria World Manor.

          1. ct330 +1

            Hmm. Does that include utilities? I’m…pretty much putting feelers out everywhere, just in case, because I have absolutely no idea what is happening in my life right now. I’d be looking into babysitting/tutoring for extra cash and also my job always needs people to work extra days, so if I had to do that a few times a month, I would definitely be able to.

            I also have a dog, though, so that complicates matters greatly 🙁

          2. meetapossum +4

            No, but when my roommate leaves I’ll get rid of the cable (no TV, hahahaha, plus I didn’t really want it in the first place), and ConEd is pretty reasonable. ConEd runs from $30 – 50 pp/month depending. I don’t know how much TWC would be without the cable. I would also potentially be open to negotiating the price of the room, depending on how my freelance work is going. (My room is bigger, but I also have the litterbox in there because there’s literally nowhere else in the apartment to put it.)

            On the plus side, the building is pet-friendly! But I have a cat, so it depends on if the dog can get along with it. My cat is pretty shy/nervous at first, so he’d probably end up hiding most of the time.

            I’ll probably end up posting about it on the Coterie in January, so if you’re still on the lookout then, we can chat more. (I’ll also probably have the lease renewal by then, so I can give a more accurate rent amount.)

        2. meetapossum +4

          Yeah, I mean, I would LOVE to find somewhere cheaper now that my roommate is moving out, but I think I have to stay at least another year. He only told me a couple of months ago, so I hadn’t been saving any money for moving purposes. :-/

    3. stephanieho +6

      Uh, can you even break the lease early without extenuating circumstances? For me to do that (even by one month early), I would have to pay TWO MONTHS worth of rent and lose my deposit. Another place I lived I’d have to pay half the remaining rent (for the lease period… it could be a LOT) plus $5000. Read your lease.

      Also what he’s trying to do is absolute BS, he either has to pay double rent or find you a month subletter.

      1. elsajeni +9

        Yeah, and the best-case scenario of something like “two months’ rent + your deposit” is… very similar, on Bro’s end, to what he’d be paying if he just moved out, christina tesoro continued to live there, and he kept paying his share of the rent to her. Right? So, even leaving aside the whole question of leaving his sister homeless, it doesn’t even save him/your parents any money to break the lease.

        1. lemonadefish +4

          Very good point – definitely a time to use Math and figure out exactly what $$ are being discussed.

    4. kayloulee +3

      Roommate horror stories? I gots one, it’s happening right now, so I just hope they don’t read the Toast, cos I need to vent.

      So I moved back from overseas in July, moved in with this girl in August, and she’s turned out to be incredibly ridiculously controlling, and she only talks to me either when there’s a bill I need to pay her, or if she thinks I’ve done something wrong.

      Examples include: telling me how to wash dishes, throwing out the yogurt containers I was saving as tupperware without asking, told me I should wipe down the kitchen bench after using it, asking if I’d washed hands after using the toilet, come into my room and pulled the plug on my computer when I was out, told me to clean the stove when I’d finished cooking (no shit, sherlock!), been disgusted that I was putting my used pads in the bathroom bin (what are bathroom bins for if not that?), implied that I can’t be trusted with her property so please don’t use it (ie pots and pans, and we don’t have room for two sets, and I can be trusted with them thank you very much), and implied that I spend too much time at home.

      I’d give a month’s notice now, but a month from now is mid-December and I’m going away for Christmas; plus, I really doubt that there’s many people looking to move around then. Now I’m trying to figure out how to give notice to move in January without coming right out and saying that she drives me batshit, because I still have to live with her until I move and I don’t want her disliking me any more than she already does.

  57. thecaitd +9

    My body issues I posted about last week are sticking around this week…so I just posted a pretty outstanding selfie on Twitter for #thelipoff and it’s def boosting my morale. Does anyone else want to brag about their personal appearance? I feel like we could use a thread to brag about our beautiosity.

    ETA: I am @thecaitd if anyone wants to seeeeeeee

    2. winterbymorning +8

      I have really pretty eyes and a great ass! I’ve also started to appreciate my legs a lot more. I hated my calves for a long time because they are too thick to fit into most tall boots, and I love tall boots so much, but I’ve realized that I actually have very nice, shapely calves, and if boots don’t fit me that’s their own problem!

      1. thecaitd +4

        Freeing yourself from the tyranny of boots that don’t fit your shapeliness is the greatest liberation of all.

      2. shinkickmorning +2

        my calves want to climb mountains and riding boots don’t, and it’s a tragedy in my life, so I feel you.

    3. paddlepickle +9

      I am also having terrible body image this week, so this thread is brilliant but I have to think hard to be able to contribute to it!

      I got my first tattoo recently and I’m loving it so much. Also, I’ve pretty much Officially stopped shaving my armpits because I’ve realized I genuinely think I look hot with hair there, and I’m feeling more and more like that.

    4. shinkickmorning +4

      my pony tail game the past couple of weeks is the best it’s ever been in my life. It always did this weird curl under thing, but now it’s just…being long? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’VE DONE, BUT I LIKE IT.

    5. Passing_Strange +4

      My legs are big and strong and I love them.

      My belly has gotten bigger of late, and I have to remind myself to love it, but I do. I do.

      My hair is doing a good flip thing lately, so here is a reminder to myself to just go to the salon and get my hair cut regularly instead of procrastinating on making the appointment and going around with hair that is unflippy, just do it, you will be so much happier!

    6. longlostlullaby +3

      Yay for bragging about personal appearance! I think I’m pretty pretty. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I think, “Man, I’m so pretty”. I’ve got nice boobs that look great in pretty bras and am starting to appreciate my butt more, even though I’ve always thought it was too small and flat. Now I think it looks very nice with stockings and a garter belt.

    7. socktantrum +3

      I think I may have responded to your comment last week about feeling shitty about my body after having to take time off for surgery. BUT I’ve been back to 100% activity for a week, and also my scar looks ridiculously amazing. It’s pretty prominent (on my throat between my clavicles) and I was (vainly) worried about it, but I’m healing very fast and the scar that remains just looks kind of badass. I actually really like it.

    8. gentlehangovers +3

      I used to dislike my thighs (they are large) until I realized that they are not merely large, but are hella muscular. Now I say things like “I love my big thighs – I could squeeze a man to death with them.”

  58. plspassthePinot +10

    I’m hosting a Friends-giving and plan to spend the wkd acquiring le cruset pieces at regional TJ Maxx”s bc it seems necessary for my vision. I’m very excited about it! Also, bf is out of town for a few days so I can wild out and… ? IDK, eat vegetarian all wkd?! #FREEDOM (?)

      1. plspassthePinot +1

        I think I want the red? But since Im discount shopping I’ll have to see what I can find.

        1. laurenipsum +2

          Lodge makes enameled cast iron that is just as good as Le Creuset I think, and way cheaper.

          That said, I don’t have any Lodge enameled stuff, and I have four Le Creusets (friends and garage sales have been good to me!) and I love them.

          1. lilsebastian01 +1

            Honestly, I am extremely disappointed in my Lodge dutch oven. The bottom is impossible to clean back to white and I’ve tried with everything I’ve got. I don’t like that it has a plastic knob on the lid, even though I rarely use it at heats where it would matter.

          2. laurenipsum +1

            Hmm, I have the exact same experiences w/Le Creuset. Can’t get the bottom back to white (we’re calling it a patina and pretending it’s supposed to be there). And Le Creuset comes with a plastic knob only rated up to 450 or something. You can get stainless ones to replace them. http://www.amazon.com/Le-Creuset-Stainless-Medium…

            ETA apparently I’m not wrong about the patina: http://www.thekitchn.com/how-do-i-clean-these-sta…

  59. IntensiveClare +5

    This week’s been up and down–I had an interview on Monday for a sort-of promotion, and while it went well, I didn’t get it. But I was told within 36 hours, in person, by someone senior, so that was handled correctly. I’m a bit disappointed, but quite happy with my existing job/team so it’s all fine. And I had my annual performance review with my lovely manager (who bought me chocolate after I didn’t get the job) and it was really chilled out and in total contrast to horrendous reviews I’ve had in a previous job, so yay.

    I’m going to hear Marilynne Robinson read from her new novel tonight, and I have Nicole to thank for getting me in to her writing. And I’m going home for Thanksgiving a week from Monday and super excited about it. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

    1. dakimel +1

      Oh have fun at the reading! I am so loving this book. I mean, I love it more than HOME, so. That’s a lot of love.

  60. SgtExposition +6

    Toasties, I need advice and I can’t really ask anyone else, so I decided to try the internet!

    So a very good friend of mine has been going out with someone for six months, and due to incompatible schedules, my partner and I didn’t meet her until Sunday brunch last weekend. We were hopeful, because we like Friend and she seems to really like New Girlfriend (NGF). But within the first five minutes, something was off, and it just went downhill from there. All my and my partner’s efforts to be cordial went nowhere, as NGF didn’t really make any effort to get to know us and didn’t really share and information about her life. We even had a boring trip to IKEA, which seems impossible.

    Afterward, my partner and I talked about it, and we realized part of the off-ness is that she very distinctly reminds us both of my Partner’s irresponsible manchild ex, who was basically a person-shaped walking disaster. Talking with Friend later confirmed that suspicion, as both NGF and Ex are in dead-end jobs with no apparent life ambitions and still living with their parents (Not that living with your parents is bad or a black mark! But we both know Friend really wants someone who’s prepared to settle down for the long haul and has managed a variety of Adult Finances). And when Friend started talking about how she didn’t care about the money, but NGF was just so smart and if she could just get her back into school, the alarm bells really rang – my partner often felt that way about her ex, including and up to applying for jobs for him because he was too lazy to do it.

    So we’re both very worried that Friend is going to get trapped in a terrible, soul-sucking relationship, but we don’t know if or how we should tell her this. We want to save her the stress and exhaustion my partner went through, but we can’t find a good way to approach her about it that doesn’t seem like we’re trying to crush her happiness.

    Help? Advice? Commiseration?

    1. paddlepickle +18

      I think you can’t really “approach” her about it directly in a way that won’t come off poorly. She’s clearly already invested in the relationship, so you saying We Don’t Approve will likely just drive her away from you. But, when she does say stuff like “If I could just get her back into school!”, you can mention the experience you have with that kind of thing, ie “Partner spent sooo long trying to convince their ex to take initiative, which taught me that you really can’t change a person or force them to take initiative they don’t want to take”. It’s especially important to tread lightly here because you don’t ACTUALLY know this partner is bad, and there’s no signs of abuse or anything. . .you just kinda didn’t like them much, which is fair but not grounds for intervention.

      I feel you, though. One of my friends is in a relationship with someone who just seems, like, Fine but they’ve had enough issues and things that my overall feeling about the relationship is kind of ehhhh, and it feels weird not to tell them that because I tend to tell them everything I think, but it feels like the right decision.

    2. GreenGrasses +9

      I always feel like in this sort of situation, you get to have A Talk and then after that you need to let it go. It’s totally worth bringing up your reservations to your friend, but then if she doesn’t agree (or doesn’t even want to hear it) you just kinda have to back off. And then if NGF starts causing problems, you can reiterate your position and then politely decline to talk about it further. It sucks but sometimes you just gotta let your friends make their mistakes.

    3. SmrtCookie +9

      I have a Friend as well. It sucks. Unfortunately the only thing you can do is continue to be their friend. Friend already knows their partner’s money/job/everything situation. Better than you do actually so there’s no way you can talk critically about any of that without it coming out harshly. Continue to be a friend to Friend so that they know they can count on you if/when the relationship crashes and burns.

      1. renjender +1

        There’s a way of being perfectly friendly and nice to unsuitable partners of dear friends that is actually very satisfying. You can do it! And if your friend every dumps this person you can say perfectly sincerely that she is better off.

    4. gallimaufry_ +7

      Welp, I’ve been the one with the NGF (or NBF in that case), and I had a friend try to give me the advice that he was a waste of space and I just could. not. hear. it. Even though time proved her to be totally correct, I’m not sure our friendship has ever 100% recovered because it just wound me up so much that she thought she knew my life/my relationship better than I did. Presumably your friend is less of an infant than me about these things, but I’d still tread warily.

    5. robotneedslove +3

      Lots of commiseration.

      The advice is only: you can’t try to save her from this, and you shouldn’t try. This is her journey, not yours. You also have no idea if this NGF is actually bad news.

      The only thing you can do is very gently ask and probe and reality check if and when she brings it up.

  61. donkeywork +9

    Dear Pieces of Toast, I need to vent at length about something ugly. Feel free to bypass it if you’re not in the mood. The aunt I’m renting a room from is 69. She just had an aortic valve transplant, a somewhat unexpected development, but she came through it like a pro and is recovering well. Her surviving sisters are coming in shifts to help with her care. My mother was the eldest of seven, and closest in age to this aunt, but she was the first to die (at 52), most likely from a genetic heart defect. I’ve been struggling with my aunt, since for six healthy months she hasn’t helped me look for a place to live at all (the reason I moved), and having her sisters here is difficult as well (this morning they were up at 5:30 watching A&E which woke me up, so I made a cup of coffee and remarked in passing about Jenny McCarthy/vaccines/etc., and the two of them said, “That’s a complicated issue, she really believes it’s dangerous!” and TURNED UP THE VOLUME. One is a nurse and the other was a midwife for thirty years. Be afraid.) And I recently heard Aunt Landlord on the phone with a nephew, telling him how she’s set to move in December (this is true) and when he asked about me she said, “I don’t know what she’s planning to do, those chips will have to fall where they may,” after which I started waking up with panic attack symptoms most nights. And here’s the ugly thing: It’s amazing to see her come through this surgery–OPEN HEART SURGERY–so well and with so much love and support, but I’m mired in resentment that my mother never got a chance like that, and I miss her so much and am on some hamster wheel of guilt and sadness and anger that’s very hard to get out of when I really need to be finding a place to live and trying to get my life back in order. End rant. #wah

    1. allanaaa +7

      Augh!
      Parent-death-related resentment, I feel you. 🙁
      You really sound like you need to just get out of there and go back a genial distance.
      How much help do you need in finding a place to live? Do you need her to drive you around to check out apartments? Do you need fake references to put on applications? Did she say she would scour Craigslist for you and curate a few good options every week? Or is this just some vague “Oh, I’ll help” promise that your aunt made but probably won’t ever fulfill? How much of it can you reasonably do by yourself, or delegate to some close friends / coworkers instead?

      1. donkeywork +2

        It’s weird, she was pretty specific about having resources she could make available to me–places to look, people who might have leads, and she was definitely going to take me around to look at places (though I’m trying to get out of this area–$1299 for a studio, yeah, that’ll work). Where I was living I had better, cheaper internet, could walk to library, post office, bank, etc., and here the wifi goes down constantly and the ONLY tool I have for search is Craigslist. No friends or coworkers in the picture, which is why this is so much harder than it would be for a normal person. Got my first bogus reply to a query today, too: Studio is lovely, in beautiful neighbors hood while I am in Ohio for the six months. Please to be sending…oy. Thanks for brainstorming, that’s one of the best things for me right now! Fresh ideas, from your delicious brains…

    2. citystillbreath +2

      It’s so, so hard to Live Life when you feel like you have absolutely no adult support, even though you are technically an adult yourself and society tells you you should be able to figure it out yourself. what a tough situation. can you couchsurf for a while before finding your own place?

      1. donkeywork +3

        Ha ha ho ho, not just “technically,” either, I’m 45. Cue shame spiral! And the bummer of it is, I came here because I literally have no other options. No friends in meatspace, and this is the end of the line for family. It’s been pretty gooey, but something will cohere…I hope…

  62. winterbymorning +27

    I reaaaaaaally want to post a screencap of an email I got from a Member of the Public but I’m stupidly worried I somehow will get in trouble if I do. It is truly a glorious email. The author sounds like a cross between a Scientologist and someone who read Darwin very intently but probably misunderstood most of it. He ends by warning me of “the hierarchical sectarian who must scorch our planet.”

  63. Steph +21

    Toasties, I just got my perpetually gurgling (and occasionally spewing gunk of doom) shower drain snaked, and GOOD GOD the black hair sludge that came out! I am mortified, but finally my plumbing works, and I don’t even care that this whole comment reads as an extended euphemism. What’s going right for you today?

    1. deleted7410012 +8

      one time i crooked a bobby pin and pulled the most digusting tangle of slimy hair out of my sink drain. i dry-heaved, but was secretly kind of impressed with its mass/sliminess.

      2. laurenipsum +6

        Drain hairballs gross me out so hard in a way that very little else does. I am well acquainted with guts and gore and poop of all kinds, being a small livestock farmer, but drain hairballs? NOPE

    2. houblonchouffe +2

      Ugh, I have to do this over the weekend. It’s been a couple of months. My hair is past my waist, so this is a process that occurs with remarkable frequency in our house.

  64. paddlepickle +7

    Haha I’ve noticed that too! My mom had a pager when I was in high school but it was because she’s a midwife and would be on call. None of my friends ever had them.

    People keep saying to me “Oh Jess has a good heart” so I’m wondering if in later seasons he comes back and grows up. I was super attracted to him at first, but I also have a long history of being into handsome assholes who read too much Bukowski, so that’s not saying anything in his favor.

    1. MrsTeacherFace +4

      I’m on season 6, and unless something changes in the last season and a half (which, I don’t think he’s going to reappear and redeem himself), THOSE PEOPLE ARE WRONG.

  65. Atalanta_Is +11

    Thanksgiving is coming up!!!

    I have friends coming over who are vegetarian, and my sister is visiting and she’s allergic to eggs and milk, so Thanksgiving itself is going to be virtually entirely vegan. Which, is pretty much 100% fine for me; my mom is Korean, so we usually just have Korean food for Thanksgiving and neither my sister nor I like turkey, so we’re going to have mashed potatoes and japchae and mushroom dumplings and green beans and pie. I did a test run of the dumplings and they are gonna be AMAZING.

    And then the day after we’re going to do a Thanksgiving rabbit, heh.

    In other news, I have been reading a bunch of things about hideous plane accidents and people surviving things that should have killed them. My dad told me about British Airways Flight 5390, in which the windscreen CAME OFF during flight and sucked the pilot OUT OF THE CABIN; flight attendants grabbed him and held onto him, even after they thought he died, because they were worried he would get sucked into a turbine and add even more excitement to the flight

    When they landed, the pilot was still alive, and went back to flying planes after he discovered, proving to me for once and for all that I am not, in fact, made of the Right Stuff for pretty much anything.

    Also, this story about skydiving gone horribly awry; despite knowing that the guy survived (the whole story is his first-person recollection of the event), I got so stressed and worried about him midway through I started crying. Good job not dying, guy!

    2. ballisticjaguar +1

      Oh man. My dad is an aircraft mechanic for the Ontario government in Canada (he works on water bombers) and that British Airways flight thing sounds like something that would interest him! (it interests me too, but is particularly relevant to him).

    3. CleverManka +13

      When they landed, the pilot was still alive, and went back to flying planes

      Oh my god. And here I never psychologically recovered from that time I fell off a skateboard.

  66. aravisthequeen +5

    WHY are there no other Toasties who live along the 401 corridor between Kingston and Toronto? In the Belleville area? Everyone, if you move here, houses are filthy cheap and you can be my friend and come to our nugget parties!

    1. Briony_Fields +1

      I lived there for two years and it was actually lovely! Downtown Belleville is on the up and up!

    2. pamplemoussi +1

      Oh heyyyy my husband and I are planning a move to Kingston within a year or two! Mainly to be closer to family, but the cheap houses are also a draw. Actually we were in Belleville on Tuesday and I feel like I could live there, mainly because the mall has a Taco Bell, which is pretty much all I need to be happy.

      1. aravisthequeen +3

        Seriously, our house in Trenton costs a quarter of what it would cost if we lived in Edmonton, so, yay! But Belleville is missing a lot of things we would really like, like A) a good selection of restaurants and cuisines, B) a mall with a variety of clothing stores so I don’t always have to go to Kingston to shop, C) a Costco, etc., so if you move to Kingston that would solve most of the problems I’ve just listed!

        OR move to Belleville, eat Taco Bell, hang out at our house.

  67. Samk12345 +3

    I’m unemployed as of this week and committed to two very expensive dinners and bought some furniture this week so that was fun, oops! Now taking new Tv show recommendations!

    1. winterbymorning +8

      Do you watch Brooklyn 99, because if you don’t, you need to start ASAP, and that goes for the rest of you too!

      1. Samk12345 +3

        Oooh good call I had it on my to-do list and completely forgot!

        I wish selfie lasted for a whole season so I could watch it but RIP

  68. braak +7

    Friends, next week I am going in for kidney surgery on THURSDAY. It is stressing me out in a weird way because, on the one hand, I know that it is almost certain that nothing will go wrong, but ON THE OTHER HAND, movies and TV have taught me that the worst things always happen to peope who are confident that they won’t.

    I have failed to get all of the writing projects I had hoped to get together before the surgery (indicating either 1) it turns out that not even the fear of imminent death can get me to stop procrastinating or 2) I’m not REALLY afraid that I’m going to die).

    Anyway! I won’t be around for next week’s cocktail hour, but after that I’ll either be around a lot (because I’ll be in recovery at home with nothing to do but eat opioids and fuss around on the internet) or not at all (because I’ll be dead)!

      1. braak +8

        Thanks!  The doctors seem very confident.
         
        …almost TOO confident…
         
        ::looks around suspiciously::

    2. msjinxie +2

      Oh man, good luck! I hope your procedure goes as well as it possibly can and you recover quickly!

    3. dakimel +4

      See, here’s what you do: tell a loved one “if I die, be sure to destroy all the .doc files on my computer, the world can never see my writing if it’s not perfect!”

      Then, because now the loved one will DEFINITELY snoop into all your files, you HAVE to write something amazing or else they’ll be standing around at your memorial service making fun of you.

      (But, you know, don’t die. Good luck with the surgery!)

  69. robot_dinosaur +13

    Oh, the days when people are being mildly sexist and I don’t have the energy to deal with it. They mean well. *climbs under desk*

      1. robot_dinosaur +2

        Yeah! It’s super mild, and I can see where they’re coming from, but I had a bad few days and so I didn’t want to deal with even the mildest of issues.

  71. Es_Petal +9

    I have had a lovely week.It was my birthday on Monday, I went up to see the gentleman caller, we went to ‘ghost stories by candlelight’ which is a dude in Victorian clothes reading M R James stories from memory, by candlelight, and that was marvellous. Then we went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park and saw ART, came back down south and lounged about for three days binge-watching American Horror Story: Coven since it was too rainy to go and do Avebury or any of the other things we had thought about. He went home yesterday, I had a day playing ponies today, and Harry Potter world on Monday.

    1. houblonchouffe +3

      Oh, cool! Sounds like a perfectly lovely Yorkshire weekend AND you got to play ponies 😀

  72. lemonadefish +5

    My Thanksgiving spreadsheet is all filled out (except it looks like we’re just having cinnamon rolls for breakfast, which probably isn’t quite balanced enough…). I suppose I should buy some ingredients soon for my contributions. Otherwise all I have to do is not murder anyone between now and then (ease of which is mostly dependent on whether my baby ever sleeps again, for now she has a cold and a diaper rash and so every moment is torture, and somehow I’ve gone rather short-tempered.)

    Oh and Mr. LF went to a community meeting to address possible bike lanes on our street last night, and he said it was just like an episode of Parks and Rec, and so I am maybe a tiny bit sorry I missed it, but probably that sort of thing is more fun to watch on TV. But he enjoyed himself. (Discussion mostly centered on whether bike lanes are racist – the Black ward director feels that they are, and so doesn’t want them in her ward. Any thoughts on how to engage with this idea beyond just writing her off as crazy?)

        1. lilsebastian01 +5

          I think there are some legitimate concerns that bike lanes are a part of gentrification. Some people feel (I’m not totally sure how I feel about this and it’s obviously a generalization) that people who bike because they choose to (a group that is more white and wealthy) use bike lines and people who bike because they don’t have other options (a group that is lower income and more PoC) tend to bike on the sidewalk, so they aren’t even using the infrastructure that’s coming through their neighborhood. In my area, I see similar resistance to things like grocery co-ops and the new light rail trains.

          Is there a black cyclists group in your area? A lot of them are named after Major Taylor, who was a famous black competitive cyclist around the turn of the century.

          1. lemonadefish +1

            I know there are concerns with gentrification, though frankly I think that would be better than rotting away, which is what’s happening to much of the neighborhood now (same ward director is against anyone rehabbing vacant buildings for some reason, even the city program to turn them into affordable housing.) This neighborhood doesn’t see a lot of recreational cyclists, and I see plenty of black cyclists using the street (possibly because the sidewalks are terrible / nonexistent). And the proposal in question is just re striping a street that’s scheduled to be resurfaced anyway. I don’t know. I’m not sure how to engage with this without saying, ‘oh, you (a black person who has lived in this neighborhood for 70 years longer than I, a white person) don’t have legitimate grounds to talk about racism,’ which I recognize is not a useful or reasonable attitude, but I’m not sure hers is either.

      2. elsajeni +4

        I think there’s a legitimate argument to be made that bike paths are often designed and laid out with the convenience of relatively-affluent white people in mind; even when they’re put into predominantly black neighborhoods, other communities of color, poor neighborhoods, etc., they’re often just passing through those neighborhoods on their way between, basically, where the predominantly-white bike commuters live and where they work. So they fail to take the needs of the communities whose neighborhoods they’re passing through into account, and, especially when there are infrastructure improvements needed in those neighborhoods (like new sidewalks, better crosswalks, better street lighting), they can look very much like the city is prioritizing richer, whiter people’s wants over poorer, browner people’s needs.

        (Of course I don’t know what lemonadefish’s neighbor is thinking, maybe her explanation would be totally different, but I heard a fair amount of debate about this issue when I was living in Portland and this is how the arguments generally went there.)

          1. elsajeni +3

            That article, or an equivalent in the WWeek around the same time, is probably where I got all of my talking points tbh.

      1. lemonadefish +5

        Gladly! It is one if my greatest triumphs. 

        Google spreadsheet, shared with all attendees. Across the top, each household; down the side, suggested dishes, grouped by course (breakfast, appetizers, vegetables, carbs, meats, dessert, and drinks). I start things off with a list if our usual foods, plus anything I wish to make or hope someone else will make (if it’s something I hope someone else will make, I’ll sometimes put a recipe in the hidden comments area.) Then we all spend the weeks leading up to the holiday filling in what we will bring. Double effect of no duplicates, and if there’s anything anyone really needs to have, they know whether or not they need to bring it for themselves. (We are a potluck/ too many cooks makes it awesome type family. We spend all day in the kitchen drinking and singing and scaring the husbands who do not know why there ought to be so much singing.)

        I always think I’ll do a second page with the oven schedule, but it never gets finalized in time and so I just do it on paper the night before.  

        Also I color code the cells listing dishes according to their actual approximate color, and match the X marking who will bring it. In this way we can feel maximum shame at our lack of green vegetables.

  74. bibliobotic +20

    WELL, TOASTIES. I am sitting at this desk for another hour and 45 minutes, and then I have an outreach visit to make, and then I am going home, and on Sunday I am getting on an AIRPLANE and flying on it to HAWAII! It is my first actual vacation since I got this job, a little over 2 years ago. I am visiting my coven-mate who moved out there in May. She is a non-participatory Toastie. Anyway. Her boyfriend will be working, so we’re going to drink rum drinks and go to the North Shore and heckle surfers and eat shrimps from the shrimp trucks and also eat noodles and shave ice, everything is going to be great. SO great.

    2. msjinxie +2

      Hawaii! Oh, how I long for a proper vacation, with beaches and warm weather and froofy drinks. Have fun!

  75. houblonchouffe +22

    I have never actually gotten the kind of bullshit in my inbox as what arrived from a former coworker this morning THANKS FRIDAY HA HA HA.

    Copied and pasted below for your enjoyment: Chouffe’s Crap Email From A Dude.

    I have an opinion/question/curiosity. I have experienced many women who claim feminism. I hope that in your experience of me you think of me as an open minded person. The majority of my feminist experiences have been negative on the whole. The best summation of said experiences follows. I held a door. As I do for human beings of any age or gender. I was raised with manners. I am not holding the door because I think you can’t do it. Nor because you are inferior. Nor because I am a man and men hold doors for women. My entire family men and women hold doors. I am holding the door because we are all human, and showing kindness/respect to one another is the only way we will ever succeed as a race. Back story complete. Curiosity; why is it that my manners and kindness that are extended to all are seen as chauvinistic when extended to women who identify strongly with feminism. I realize there are multiple forms of feminism. Even that some feel being a stay at home mom or other stereotypes are within the norm because they are doing what they want, therefor empowering themselves. I really just want to be a polite asshole not pigeon-holed in to the typical douche bag role. Question; Do you have any tips or hints that can help me in this regard?

    I would actually like a strong woman’s opinion on this and other things. If you have no interest that is fine. Thanks you.

    I responded with a quick “Hey, let me get to my desk plus I have a meeting this morning, but let me guess that this has nothing about actually opening a door, right?”

    Then! In response:

    So quick summary. A little more than the door thing, but that was just an example. I like equal rights, as long as they are completely equal. My personality is very literal and logical. So, I have a hard time rationalizing many things and therefor accepting them.

    though, I have found, conversing with parties who hold certain views, or at least similar views helps me get to that theoretical middle ground.

    I am just sad it has taken me so long to ‘access’ you in this capacity

    (sorry for literal statements of what friendship/acquaintance is.)

    I cannot, you guys. I don’t have the energy to do this today.

    1. sednarea51 +27

      Oh my god. This fucking dude. Um. Well, First I’d say that you have absolutely no obligation to explain a single Goddamn thing to him. So you would be perfectly justified in never writing him back. Or writing him back and saying “I’m sorry, I can’t answer this for you.”
      Alternatively? My read is that he doesn’t actually want to hear about feminism from someone; he wants someone he can complain to about how his delicate manfeels are not being met. Which is not your job either. Not remotely. Tell him to use Google.

      ETA: argh, sorry, you’re not asking for advice above, ignore me. But yeah fuck that dude. Why is some rando former coworker bugging you with this? (wait that’s right because he Deserves Female Attention at all times)

      1. houblonchouffe +12

        That’s OK! I kind of really needed to hear it actually.
        And I have honestly no fucking idea why this dude has contacted me for the first time in literally years other than it’s been that kind of a week, and over the weekend PC and I went to hang out with another of my former coworkers from the same place and we ended up having a really nice, productive conversation about street harassment. But as far as I know, Dudebro here isn’t friends/in contact with my friend, so…?

        1. sednarea51 +16

          It’s like he possesses some kind of shitty dude radar! When the Femocalypse comes, he shall be set aside to be your personal servant. Or set to cleaning toilets, whichever you prefer.

        1. Elsa is Emily +21

          “My emotional content is what I call logic. Your emotional content is irrational and arbitrary.”

    3. FrancesGnome +30

      Is it me or does the holding doors thing come up a lot in these discussions? Like, bro, that is…not the point. If you do choose to respond, maybe spend some time on fairness vs equality as a concept? Or maybe the complete entitlement of “woman person, explain this to me now” vs, say, Google. Or just “LOL NOPE try the Google.”

      1. Lily_Rowan +21

        I would love to know who all these women are who are yelling at men for holding doors for them.

          1. Elsa is Emily +11

            I have said “No, thanks” and sometimes then curtly waved off insistent door-holding dudes— rarely, I hasten to stress — when they’ve held the door for me in a way that made a big fuckin’ deal out of them holding the door:
            – when they’re half a corridor ahead of me and hold it ostentatiously while waiting for me to hustle over and be grateful,
            – when they’re waving me into a place that I’m not actually headed,
            – when they step aside and sweep their arms toward it as if they’re ushering me into court while I’m otherwise occupied,
            – (this one is the ickiest) when they’re standing in the doorway while holding it so that I have to sidle past them uncomfortably closely.

            If (because) they’re used to women performing etiquette to flatters them and they’re not taking the context into account, some those men probably processed my “no, thanks!” and possible follow-up eye-rolling as “woman yelling at me for holding a door.”

        3. rallisaurus +16

          I’ve never yelled at anyone for holding a door for me. But I had a coworker who had lady/door issues. One time, he literally pulled a door out of my hands, so he could hold it open for me. The next time we crossed paths with a door knob in my hands I forced him to walk through it first. while I rolled my eyes Liz Lemon style. ::misandrist cackle::

          1. Lily_Rowan +5

            I watched my friend’s boyfriend insist on holding two doors in a set for her (at a restaurant or something where there are two doors right after each other to keep the cold out?) and it was super ridiculous — he had to squeeze by her in the foyer to hold the second door! So clearly I would have an issue with that, because it is RIDICULOUS, but that is not the kind of door-holding that strangers do.

          2. rallisaurus +8

            Yeah, 99.9% of the time I don’t even notice who is doing the walking and who is doing the holding. It’s a thing people do for each other, I only notice when they’re being super weird about it. Doors…not that complicated.

    4. m98widow +38

      “I don’t believe in feminism, I believe in equalism” pretty much always means “I hate the VAWA and I want to be able to punch women with impunity.”

      “I am literal and logical” pretty much always means “I get so angry about women opening their mouths or having feelings that I will threaten to kill them.”

          1. houblonchouffe +72

            Here is my response:
            “If what you’re asking me to do is explain to you why holding a door isn’t considered harassment but other actions are, OR if you are asking me to explain to you why actions YOU might consider inoffensive are not inoffensive to others, OR why feminism and humanism aren’t the same, OR why feminism includes stay-at-home parents, OR why fairness and equality are not always the same thing, then I’m sorry, no, I don’t actually have time to do that. There are some really good resources out in the world that deal with this. For instance: http://thewomansplainer.com/“

          3. sednarea51 +17

            That is BEAUTIFUL. Please accept this Bad Bitch crown on behalf of us all. SUCK IT, GROSS DUDES.

          5. dakimel +10

            Mix in a tsp of baking powder first; those male tears can be really acidic.

            (and perfect response, btw!)

          13. houblonchouffe +8

            No escalation! Just a simple “Thank you,” which is frankly surprising and, let’s be honest, a little disappointing,

    6. shinkickmorning +23

      I just can’t even read the words, it’s all just blurring into “waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh”. But from the bit I did get…dude, just hold the door, and if a person says “no, I got it” LET THEM GET IT.

      1. Elsa is Emily +5

        Like, please defer to people in matters of their own transit through space? It doesn’t seem that hard: if you routinely make gestures of courtesy only to be yelled at, the problem isn’t with the population of people who are yelling at you, it’s with you.

    7. tubatoothpaste +38

      NOPE.
      Although, I do like the phrase “claim feminism.” It’s like running into a church and yelling SANCTUARY!! “I claim feminism!! Now leave me alone!”

      1. laurenipsum +10

        I have experienced many women who claim feminism.

        Is this person a native English speaker? Because this is weirdly phrased.

        1. houblonchouffe +7

          He is, but I think he’d been up all night doing… something? I don’t know, he lives two time zones away and the first email got to me at 5:30am my time.

        2. bibliobotic +30

          I actually find that “logical,” “rational” dudes do this a lot, like they try so hard to phrase everything so precisely and logically that they end up sounding like a robot.

          1. thecaitd +8

            ugh YES, or they’re the fedora-doffing “m’lady” types. Any man who tries that hard to sound fancy should not be trusted.

          2. catoclock +10

            ughhhhhhhh I was reading a MOVIE REVIEW the other day (granted, on a blog rather than a newspaper but STILL) where the reviewer was like “very nice job on this movie, m’lady” about the GODDAMN DIRECTOR.

          4. laurenipsum +5

            I just heard about this phenomenon for the first time yesterday. WTF, seriously? “m’lady”? What is wrong with you people!!!

      1. houblonchouffe +14

        Yeah, that was the point that I was just like… oh, great, there’s that dehumanization again, just what the doctor ordered before the coffee’s hit my system PERFECT

    10. StillT +29

      What the hell is the deal with this “holding the door” thing? Is there some spate of vicious attacks on Chivalrous Men holding doors for ungrateful angry women that I haven’t heard about?

      I’ve held doors open for people literally ever since I had the ability to open one myself. All responses fit into “Thanks!” “It’s OK. I got it.” or no response at all. In what world are these Fedora Bros being smacked around for having the audacity to hold a door open?

      This dude sounds like the worst. “though, I have found, conversing with parties who hold certain views, or at least similar views helps me get to that theoretical middle ground.” This sounds like how a non-human would speak if it was trying really hard to sound like a real actual intelligent human and failing.

      2. Linette +16

        I actually believe that this started in the 90s, when several sitcoms had scenes where man opens door, loudmouthed angry feminist RAILS AT HIM for being such a CHAUVINISTIC PIG.

        (scene written, of course, by a man, but what can you do?)

        And now every man from now to eternity has it in his head that feminism = not doing “chivalrous” things like holding doors. Holding doors is the metaphor for all behaviors considered problematic to women, even though no one has ever been killed for passing through a door being held for them.

        But those actual problems would be too difficult to contemplate, so let’s bitch some more about these stupid women who won’t let me hold doors for them even though I have never experienced this problem in real life and what I’m really asking is why is this woman telling me I’m sexist when all I did was imply my opinion was automatically more important than hers?

    11. thebellewitch +28

      Did something actually happen once he held the door? I’m having trouble following but it sort of seems like he held a door and nothing bad happened but he had a lot of poorly communicated thoughts about feminism?

      I think we’ve all thought too hard about this guy already.

    13. CleverManka +5

      Y’all, I am not even gonna lie, I make The Beloved open doors for me all the time because I have a compromised immune system and germs are horrible and also maybe because I am one of the laziest lazies to ever laze.

  76. shinkickmorning +3

    I need to get psyched for Thanksgiving. IDK what it is this year, but I’m not feeling it the way I have the past 5 years. I still took point on planning it for my friends because that’s just what I do, but suddenly I feel like I empathize with women who stress about hosting for the holidays instead of saying “just have someone else do it”.

    At least our Thanksgiving is mostly just drinking, watching movies and eating.

  77. Brunhildenburg +13

    Someone on my hometown forum has commented “Saw a guy marijuanaed out of his mind breaking into cars at 2 AM. He had an AC/DC shirt on, you do the math”

    This was followed by a statement that “Pot and Meth pretty much the same thing”.

    Ummmmm. Yeah. (I screencapped and edited out the names for our hometown blog.)

  78. longlostlullaby +17

    I took the advice of others in the Open Thread last week and watched the North and South miniseries on Netflix. I quite liked it, though I do think Margaret seemed a bit colder and haughtier in the book, which I enjoy. But very good casting/kissing, the scene with the cotton floating in the factory was beautiful, and I think they did a better job with the one thing that I found ridiculous in the book, which is (SPOILER) the fact that EVERYONE around her dies. I know you need to get her in a position of wealth by the end of the book, but did that really need to involve killing all parents and parental figures? I’m glad her godfather got to live at least a little longer in the miniseries. And they didn’t name what her mother died of in the miniseries, but it was less obvious than in the book where they literally refer to it as “the disease”. Which disease? You know. “The disease”. That one.

    3. perianwen +4

      Twitter tells me that it was 10 years ago today that it aired for the first time on the BBC! #NS10 hashtag.

      Here is where I query why I was not in the UK at that point to enjoy it. Oh, life choices, what even are you.

  79. craftalchemy +1

    Sewing Toasties! I know you are here, we were talking about terrible Alexander Henry fabric in the other thread. Do you have blogs? If so, what are they? I would like to follow all of you.

    What have you made/are you making recently?

    1. Bunburying +3

      Dunno if you count cross-stitch as sewing, but I am waaaaaaay overdue making a wedding anniversary gift for my friend with the husband and wife’s names and a little tree. Like, the anniversary was in May. HAHA OOPS but it is gonna be so cute tho

    2. elsajeni +1

      Can I hop in this thread and ask for Christmas-gift project ideas? I’d like to make something out of Alexander Henry or similar silly pinup fabric for my husband, but I can’t think of what. He never wears an apron; he just sewed a bunch of little cosmetics pouches for himself; I guess boxers are an option, but I’ve never found the feel of quilting cotton to be very pleasant for boxers… HELP.

      1. lemonadefish +1

        I have made many pillows for Christmas gifts. Also cases / cozies for particular items the giftee already owned. Also small decorative things like a mug rug or whathaveyou…

  80. robotneedslove +17

    OMG Toasties. I’m having some Feelings, and some Feelings about my Feelings.

    My boyfriend’s best friend (BFBF) has been dating a woman for just over a year, and they have a somewhat tumultuous relationship. BFBF just bought her an engagement ring. And, unexpectedly, I am FULL OF ENVY. I’m all like >:/

    I did not expect to feel this way at all! Everyone has been getting engaged and married all around us, and it’s been fun and not envy producing! Plus, this engagement seems ill advised and hasty. Plus, I love my boyfriend and our relationship. Plus, I know that’s where we’re headed, we just don’t need to rush it. Plus the ring BFBF bought is ugly imo.

    PLUS (and I think this is what really I’m tied up in knots about) I don’t even really BELIEVE in engagement rings. To me, there’s something all weird about (me) feeling the need for an over-priced diamond dug out of the earth (I like the earth and hate mines, and hate debt) to prove my worth and belovedness. I feel like I SHOULD be someone who is happy to propose to my boyfriend on my timeline and my way and whisk him off to be married in the Grand Canyon with steel rings as symbols of our love.

    BUT AS IT TURNS OUT I’M FUCKING ENVIOUS OF A RING AND A RELATIONSHIP I DON’T EVEN WANT. As it turns out I want a diamond ring that my boyfriend gave me.

    And that is turning me kind of inside out. It’s making me all mixed-up feminism wise.

    Blargle.

    2. Momthra +26

      Culture is a bitch. You’re living in a society totally saturated with messaging about your marriage and your ring and your engagement and your wedding – don’t blame yourself for soaking some of it up. Resist, if you want but don’t be too hard on yourself.

    3. thecaitd +11

      Leaving aside whether this is your business, do you think they’re making the right decision? If you think they have a tumultuous relationship and are probably making a bad decision getting married, then that could create some feelings of envy and resentment. I know I sometimes have these feelings of “I don’t feel half as happy as these people seem to be! They’re making a terrible decision and they still seem happier than I am!”

      ETA: by “leaving aside whether this is your business” I mean, sometimes our feelings get caught up on things we intellectually know we have no stake in. Sorry if it sounded harsh bc that was not my intent!

      1. robotneedslove +8

        You are not harsh!

        It is not my business at all, of course, but of course I also feel like they are not making the right decision. I think it is a “I am 30 and want to get married” decision and not a “I love you and want to get married decision.”

        And it’s totally part of the equation. Even my boyfriend is kind of mad about that part. He was like “we’ve been together WAY longer and are OBJECTIVELY a better couple this is ridiculous!”

        PLUS omg they are totally going to steal any thunder we might have left.

    4. literarysara +16

      Well, please take this with a grain of salt, but is there anything else going on in your life, romantically or perhaps otherwise, that is making you feel insecure? Because engagement rings and all the other hoopla–photos, announcements, etc. etc.–come with a whole heaping pile of baggage that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with marriage. I’m not the marrying kind, myself, but there have been times I have deeply envied other people’s relationships and engagements and whatnot, and after some time I can now identify that those were all times of:
      (a) tumult and insecurity in my love life, like I thought I had a great relationship but in fact I did not feel sufficiently safe, stable, and loved. Or
      (b) stagnation and insecurity in my professional life, when I felt like I ought to be hitting a lot more Adulthood milestones but was instead just treading water.

      Do either of those things sound like you?

      1. GreenGrasses +12

        Option B is really resonating with me. I feel like nowadays I’m thinking more about marriage just because I want something big to happen, not necessarily because I care about being married or anything.

      2. robotneedslove +7

        HM! Interesting.

        I think it’s a little bit on the money, although not totally. I really love my relationship, and there’s not huge problems there, and I definitely feel loved and secure and stable.

        My job is ok. It’s high-paying and high-powered and kind of soul-sucking and eventually I want to do something else, but I feel like I can’t right now because of the money and also because I kind of like it and that ‘s a whole thing. But it’s a good job, and I rock at it a lot of the time, and while my feelings about it are complicated, it’s ok I think.

        I think I do have, in the back of my mind, that Marriage and Babies are the next big things on my radar, and I’m feeling a bit impatient for them to happen. Not REALLY impatient, but I like novelty and excitement and my life is pretty good right now but I’m like WHAT IS THE NEXT THING. For so long I was graduating from something or applying to something else or getting called to the bar or whatever. For a long time there were milestones and now there seems to be a long stretch of…. goodness, but undemarcated goodness ahead of me. Like, is it all cats and hard work and love and nice white wine and fun nights out and laundry from here on out [MAJOR PRIVILEGE ALERT]? I mean I love that stuff, but it seems a bit monotonous or something.

        And a wedding is a such a major sparkle to look forward to. I REALLY love parties and bringing people together. And while I really want to be married to my beloved someday, I also do really want a wedding for its own sake. Hopefully that doesn’t make me terrible in some way. And I guess I’m starting to feel like WHEN.

        And no other time in my life have I had to lave WHEN to someone else. And obviously I don’t actually have to leave WHEN to him, but I kind of want to. Because I don’t want to just drag my boyfriend around by his hair in and out of all my caves. He’s lovely, and his own person, but come on, I drive the bus, which is great 99% of teh time, but I just kind of want to know and feel like this is a decision that HE made and effort that HE put in, otherwise I will feel like maybe my bus has a kidnapped person on it. And, I think, and let’s face the music, I think I just don’t want to give up being proposed to, because heteronormativity has wormed its way into my heart.

        And I’m left with my next major milestone in the hands of a man, which is anathema to my whole being.

        BTW my boyfriend knows all these feelings and is sweet about them.

    5. Goomaly +9

      Well of course you want someone to make a grand gesture of adoration toward you. That’s nothing to feel guilty about!

      Also if your BFBF is what brought on this feeling, your BF might be feeling a strange disturbance in the force, too.

      (Also, I’m divorced and the marriage was abusive, and whenever I see anything wedding-related I feel anything from rage to pathetic sadness.)

      1. robotneedslove +5

        Oh I’m so sorry. Do you want to have a bit party for happiness with me, no weddings at all?

        And thanks for the gentleness. I maybe need to be more gentle with myself.

        Somehow I believe that I should be some kind of ass-kicking woman in sunglasses and tall black boots that cares for nothing and needs nothing from nobody. But I’m CLEARLY not, and don’t need to beat myself up for it.

        1. Goomaly +4

          Maybe you could be an ass-kicking woman in sunglasses and tall black boots that cares for nothing EXCEPT your big fat diamond

          and the dude that comes with it, of course *cough*

    6. MmeSiniichulok +9

      Haha, oh, rings….I’m a feminist, but I’ve also sort of grown up outside some sociocultural norms and have never had family members mark most of my milestones in traditional ways, (or any ways), which has made me a repressed social conservative inside who secretly loves things like that. I really wanted a large cakelike white dress and even more so an engagement ring. Monsieur Siniichulok was all, “yes dear,” and I ended up getting married in his country in a red velour bathrobe-and-pants outfit and head scarf, plus no engagement ring because “there was no time to get one” and “my mother won’t understand.” Also no guests at all from the bride’s side. Then we were establishing ourselves in a new country and it was not a necessity. Fast-forward a few years to my pregnant, late-second-trimester, prenatal-depression-riddled self sitting on the sofa and bawling without stopping for weeks because not only did the wedding experience suck, but the one part that would have been easy to do that I wanted was not honored. I couldn’t stop. I was like a geyser. I’m kind of grateful to my pregnancy hormones for forcing my feelings out in the open where I could see them too. Monsieur Siniichulok, horrified and contrite, rushed me over to a jewelry store as soon as I decided what kind of ring I would like to have, and we bought it. We joked, completely tongue-in-cheek, that he was finally making an honest woman out of me when the saleslady rang it up (after a few jewelry stores, we got savvy enough to refrain from saying we wanted an engagement ring because then they’d just show us the most expensive ones), and she took one look at my really pregnant midsection and was scandalized. I’m still holding out for a cakelike white dress, cheesy wedding and engagement photos, a huge wedding party full of MY friends, a huppah, and a symbolic Jewish marriage contract (since they won’t do a real one for a Jew and a Muslim), even though Little Siniichulok will probably be, like, five by the time we can afford it. Anyway, no matter what our convictions are, things that matter to us matter, and they don’t always make sense, or need to make sense. You’re not a worse feminist for wanting something pretty, or for wanting what it symbolizes.

    7. ponies13 +7

      YAS solidarity for sure. The dude and I got engaged earlier this year in a nontraditional-ish way (like, with a discussion instead of a proposal, my ring is antique and didn’t cost a lot at all) and are doing a lot of other wedding things in a nontraditional way as well. But then I see on facebook or whatever people talking about having like $3000 or whatever on their ring finger and I get irrationally jealous even though we’re doing all this our way and I don’t even WANT huge diamonds BUT I JUST WANT NICE THINGS TO BE GIFTED TO ME. ugh

    8. lemonadefish +2

      It’s ok to want things! Even to want “normal” hetero things! The best thing you can do is to own your desires, such that you may express them and have hope of having them met.

      Also, I don’t believe in engagement rings either, but I still love my diamond.

  81. banjolene +9

    toasties! please encourage me to leave my apartment and take public transit to go see a musician i love tonight even though i am exhausted from tiny humans and their sass and their germs :/

    1. Fazakerly +4

      Think of the great memories you will have of the evening if you go – for years to come! even if you don’t record the whole thing on your phone! – compared to the lack of same you will have if you don’t encourage yourself. One chord of loveliness will wash away all your misgivings.

      1. banjolene +6

        ONE CHORD OF LOVELINESS WILL WASH AWAY ALL YOUR MISGIVINGS. fazakerly, may i take these words with me henceforth?

        1. Fazakerly +1

          Of course you may; they just popped out once I started responding to you. I hope the evening is wonderful

    2. Goomaly +6

      Will there be any tiny humans with sass and germs at the concert?

      If yes, STAY AT HOME.
      If no, GO AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

    3. laurenipsum +4

      You should do it. Just make sure not to sit next to any men on the bus/train so that you don’t have to deal with others’ knees.

  82. Momthra +3

    Is there a gracious way to tell people that their children are not invited to your holiday party (as in, people who RSVP’d to a “you and a plus one, if you’re so inclined” with an enthusiastic “we may bring the kids too!”)?

    2. aravisthequeen +13

      Ouch. You can sort of diplomatically go with something along the lines of “Oh, you know, my house is really not kidproofed–lots of breakables and candle flames–very dangerous! And I don’t think they’d enjoy themselves, we won’t be having any kid-friendly snacks and I don’t believe any other kids or coming. Maybe we can all get together some other time, but it would probably be best for just You and Potential Guest this time!” and couch it in a “It’s not you, it’s meeee!” type of excuse.

      1. Momthra +2

        They’ve been to the house! They already know this! Where would we put four children under 6 years old?!? (Someone else chimed in with, “I might bring mine too.” Thanks, friends.)

        I thought of “What were you thinking of for an activity for the kids during dinner? We could probably play a movie in the guest room; or did you want to bring something different?”

        1. aravisthequeen +14

          Ouch!!!

          In this case you must escalate to The Gracious No. It goes like this.

          THEM: “Oh, we’ll bring the kids!”
          YOU: “You know, that would normally be great, but this time it’s just not possible, I’m sorry. Maybe another time!”
          THEM: “They won’t be any trouble! We’ll put on a movie….blah blah”
          YOU: “I’m sorry, it just won’t be possible. This one is going to have to be adults only, I’m afraid! Another time we’ll all get together!”
          THEM: Blah blah blah blah babysitter blah blah
          YOU: “I’m so sorry, it just won’t be possible this time! I’d love to see You and Potential +1, though! Let me know if you can make it or not!” [Graceful segue either off the phone or onto another topic of discussion or exit stage left]

    3. loren_smith +10

      We dis-invited kids from our wedding, but we put right on the invitation something like “please respect our wishes for a child-free event” or something equally horrible.

      Can you say something like “Oh, I’m so sorry – our house isn’t childproof at all, and I’m hoping to display my precious teacups and also smoke mad reefer the entire party”. Come to think of it, when people asked about the child-free wedding, I think we told them that we were sure that people would be drinking and possibly using drugs (friends of my folk’s have medical pot needs) and we didn’t want our close friends to feel they had to censor their behaviour.

    4. eastcoastanne +17

      maybe I am a worse person, but I would just say “Sorry, unfortunately this is an adults only event, I would love to get together with the whole family another time room”

      I would think with going the not child proof route, they may just counter with “oh that’s not a problem, we aren’t worried!” Too often when I try to give excuses, the opposing party just tries to sneak around them, so I am in favor of being more direct.

        2. Shay

          I know it’s been a few days, so maybe you won’t get my appreciation but I just wanted to say YAAAY this made me cackle with mad glee.

  83. blinking_light +4

    Toasties! I am delurking to ask for your top tips on enjoying your own company.

    My FOMO has reached critical levels and I need to dial back on the partying. I am always so impressed/jealous that many of you are perfectly content if not ecstatic to spend time bunkering down with a book or tv rather than getting wasted with a bunch of idiots and losers. Please share any tips or wisdom!

    1. paddlepickle +4

      I am doing a Sober Month for a couple of reasons, but it has really helped me figure out how I can make my socializing sustainable. . .because basically, when I’m not drinking I quickly realize whose company/which places I really enjoy. Now instead of having more vodka so that I’ll actually enjoy this shitty party, I just go home and wake up the next day feeling amazing. Maybe try some version of that?

    3. thecaitd +9

      I used to beat myself up a ton for not going to bars and parties. I enjoy alcohol and dancing, but standing in a loud, crowded space until 2 am is not for me. One day I just got sick of beating myself up over it and asked myself “if I don’t go to bars and parties, will I regret missing out on the party activities themselves (see: standing in loud, crowded space until 2 am) or will I really regret the personal interactions I get from bars and parties?” I knew I would really only regret missing out on personal interactions. So I stopped beating myself up, started cultivating more personal interactions outside of bars and parties. I used social media more, went to more events that I really actually wanted to be at, and started hanging out with Toast readers. And it’s been pretty satisfying.

    4. Passing_Strange +3

      Get yourself your fave snacks and beverages and enjoy indulging in something that is for you and you only. Put some music on and have your own little mini-dance party. Revel in being in complete control of the music/tv/agenda. Do something that makes your place a cozier, more welcoming place to be (new pillows? decluttering?) Get a cat who will glare at you every time you leave the house, making you feel guilty about ever thinking about going to parties.

    5. lemonadefish +3

      I just got too old to reliably bounce back from getting wasted, so I pretty much stopped. Sitting alone with my sewing machine and Hulu really is the most fun I can imagine most days. If you like people, you can invite them over for movies, craft night, brunch, shopping, all kinds of non-idiot things.

    6. msjinxie +3

      I’ve never been a big party-out-of-the-houser and have no problems enjoying a night at home with knitting and wine, but any impulse I may’ve had to stay out late was curbed by getting used to getting up early for work and was then pretty much killed outright by shifting my gym-going to pre-work instead of post-work. If you get up at 5am on a semi-regular basis it is very easy to go to bed early.

  84. turanga_leela +8

    Foster update:

    We are fostering a Bull-mastiff named Roxanne or Roxy. I posted pictures of her a couple of weeks ago. She is doing fine. Her cherry eye did not resolve itself with eye drops so she needs surgery now. Hopefully she can have that done when we spay her. She is also slowly putting on some weight. The big thing is that she does not get along with other dogs, specifically our dogs. We have kept her separated but whenever they get close enough, like opposite sides of a door or seeing each other through the fence, it is like being in a Jack London book (and I was just saying here how glad I was not to be a character in a Jack London book). She is so loving and sweet with people and a little hell hound any time she gets near our dogs. The good news is that there might be a family who want to adopt her. Fingers crossed.

    1. laurenipsum +2

      Aw, poor Roxy. (Poor your other dogs!) I hope the rest of her time with you goes smoothly without any major fights and that it works out with the other family. Thank you so much for fostering!!

  85. renjender +3

    I always look forward to Thanksgiving (not the tradition: fuck that noise, but the chance to eat great food with people I like) especially since I decided to do it my way. I invite friends to my place and make delicious vegan everything. My mother (who lives not terribly far away) has Thanksgiving with family friends. It’s great! I never have to hear from anyone (either in words or in tone) how hard it must be to be a vegetarian on Thanksgiving and I get to enjoy the day with folks who don’t stress me out. I still spend Christmas with Mum.

  86. StillT +11

    Toasties – I started a half marathon training plan this week! This is my Ultimate Running Goal, and I’m pretty excited about finally trying to make it happen. We even joined a gym, so now I’ve essentially pre-paid for my training and it would be a big waste not to stick with it. Here goes nothing! Anyone who has tips/tricks/advice/encouragement, please feel free to contribute!

    Also, wedding planning continues apace. So many details! So many vendors! So many decisions!

    1. stephanieho +3

      Good luck!!

      A good friend is a marathon runner and he uses a cool Garmin watch to keep track of his runs and routes. He puts notes all in a spreadsheet and it’s really, really gratifying for him to see his progress. Two years ago he ran a 3:20 full marathon and this past year he ran a 2:40!! Freaking ridiculous. He says he couldn’t have done it if he didn’t stick to his training plan and been able to track his progress week by week. Also he joined an amazing, encouraging running co-op- it always helps to have a buddy!

      1. StillT +1

        I’ve been using Nike+ to track my progress, and after logging my first two runs of training, I’m so disappointed I let myself fall out of practice. I’m more than a minute off from what my mile times used to be, about a year ago, but I guess that just means I know I can do better, and I will! As to having a buddy, my fiancee has been a great workout buddy and (when necessary) demanding personal trainer so far.

        Thanks for the encouragement!

    2. gallimaufry_ +4

      That is so awesome about the half marathon! I’ve run a few, but it’s been three years since the last one and I should really get my act together and train up again. It is the actual best.

      Two pieces of advice:

      1. If you don’t have them, get decent shoes asap. Fucking up your hips/knees/ankles with bad shoes is so quick to do and takes soooo looong to recover from.

      2. Once you start running around 6 miles and longer, don’t forget that you probably need to take on fuel during your run, whether as a sports drink or gels or whatever. It took me way too long to figure that out and I couldn’t understand why the end of my long runs were always absolute hell.

      Have fun!

      1. StillT +2

        I just ditched a pair of shoes I was still using that were a bit too small and causing me a lot of foot/toe pain, so I totally hear you on the first part. I don’t have high-quality running shoes yet, but for the short runs to start the program, I have some that will work. Will upgrade ASAP. And thanks for the advice about fueling. Having never run more than 5 miles at a time in my life, that’s some damn useful info. I’ll have to check out the gels. Sports drinks tend to kick my reflux into overdrive, and I’d hate to have to slosh through 6 miles with wicked heartburn. Any specific recommendations?

        1. houblonchouffe +2

          If you can find the salted caramel Gu packets, do it. They are FABULOUS.

          Are you going to be training mostly indoors? If so, try adding 10% of your mileage to the run (like, 3.3 miles for a scheduled 3-miler; 5.5 for a scheduled 5-miler) because it’s so, so much less effort to run on a treadmill than outdoors. I learned that the hard way, ended up appallingly undertrained for my first half.

          1. StillT +1

            I’ve heard similar advice about treadmill running, and will definitely have to work that into my training, as it will be mostly/entirely indoors on a treadmill. One other method that has been recommended is to always run with at least some incline to the treadmill, to make up for that difference in effort.

            I’ll keep an eye out for those packets. Honestly, eating anything called “Gu” doesn’t exactly get my mouth watering, but we’ll see how it goes.

            Thanks!

          2. catoclock +1

            I’ve had good luck with the incline trick! I run mostly outdoors because the treadmill fills me with existential dread for some reason, but when I’ve had to use one I have felt like adding a bit of incline has brought my times/perceived effort way more in line with what I’m used to with outdoor running.

          3. StillT +1

            I used to dread treadmill running, but now it’s great for me for training. I have some playlists that really get me into a groove at speeds I like, and I can just zone out for all the intervals or distances I’m trying to hit. I should probably try to mix in some outdoor runs when it’s not frozen outside, though, just so I don’t get too used to not having to pay attention to my surroundings.

          4. houblonchouffe +3

            I hate hate hate most of them, but the salted caramel ones just taste like what’s on a caramel apple.

            When I started training, my coach had me get into the habit of fueling during long runs by having a little dish of orange segments on the treadmill next to me–familiar real food is easier to adjust to during exertion. Once you’ve got that down, you can start testing other things.

            Clif Shot Bloks, Gu, Honey Stinger waffles, all are good choices. You’ll want to make sure you can find something to use to replenish electrolytes, too, not just glycogen stores, and that’s where the sports drinks come in really handy. If Gatorade gives you heartburn, you could try doing a homemade version–I did lime juice and honey, worked great.

          5. StillT +1

            Ooh. OK. You’ve convinced me on that flavor of Gu. I’ll check it out. Thanks for all the helpful advice!

        2. gallimaufry_ +1

          Weirdly I have that same heartburn problem with sports drinks, and all the gels taste disgusting to me. My preference is energy tablets – the ones I buy are Dextro energy tablets although there must be other brands too. I would have one at 6 or 7 miles and another one every two or three miles after that, which seemed to work out fine so long as I had eaten properly the day before. (I don’t think carb loading is actually recommended any more, but I honestly think a massive bowl of pasta the night before is the best preparation for any long run.)

          Have you got a race in mind? Man, this conversation is making me wistful for distance running, I should look for a race.

          1. houblonchouffe +1

            I need to get back to it. I’ve taken basically a month and a half off and my legs are starting to twitch. Unfortunately it’ll be treadmill for me for most of the next few months. 🙁

          2. StillT +1

            I don’t really have a race in mind. I had been considering the local half, but it usually occurs during what will be the week of my wedding next year, so that’s probably not a great plan. I also really like the idea of the Chicago half, but that’s so far away (October 15) as to seem like forever. The Chicago Shamrock Shuffle 8K is my previous longest race, so it would be fun to go back there.

            My plan is a 12 week training plan, so I’m looking at a few in February or March, depending on how well I do with it.

    3. Fazakerly +4

      I trained for a marathon during my finals at college, and it was really amazing to get away from books and studying to put in the miles. You might find the training a good antidote to wedding plans, or at least time when you have permission to put them aside.

    4. eleventysix +5

      hooray & good luck!! they half is my FAVORITE distance, and i hope you enjoy the hell out of running/training. i hope there are lots of fun updates during the process

      (and also feel free to celebrate/vent at any point. or share if you want to be friends in any running app.)

      1. StillT +2

        Thanks! Only two runs into training so far (and a couple of weeks into getting back to a regular workout schedule), but I’m already feeling way better about my body image, energy level, etc. So much of the early effect is just psychological, but I love it. I will definitely share more updates!

    5. Elizabeth +1

      I did one in May for the first time and I loved it. As long as you keep to a schedule (I used Hal Higdon’s schedule), you will definitely be able to finish and finish strong, no matter that the longest you will have run until then is only about 10 miles. So don’t worry on that front. And don’t worry about your time. Just focus on keeping up with your training schedule. Good luck!

      1. StillT +2

        Thanks! My training plan looks a bit less intensive than Higdon’s novice plan, but overall pretty similar. I wouldn’t say I have any actual goals as far as time is concerned. As long as I cross the start and finish lines, I’ll be pretty happy!

  87. citystillbreath +4

    is anyone here into enneagrams? i know it’s probably a bit like astrology, but i just found out i’m a Type Four, and this discovery fits me so completely that it’s revolutionized how i think about myself and my future growth. any other 4s out there?

    1. Girl Named Jack +2

      Also 4! And yes, it completely turned me inside out, in a good way. I get daily updates from the Enneagram Institute to my email and that has also helped me to not conveniently forget everything/backslide into an emotional black hole.

      1. citystillbreath +1

        yes! i get those emails too, and they really do help, although it’s kind of weird how deeply an automated email can see into my soul!

    2. donkeywork +2

      *raises hand* Also a 4, but that’s pretty much the extent of what I know. I’ve been told we like to wear hats, and this is true.

  88. stephanieho +9

    Mais Amis, haphazardly reverse engineered from Maude’s Liquor:

    1 oz bourbon
    3/4 oz Cynar
    dash of bitters
    a squeeze of lemon

    When to drink this: when you match with some super hot guy on Tinder and message him… but then he immediately un matches you and you’re feeling a little bitter.

    (GODDAMNIT CHICAGO BOYS I SWEAR I’M REALLY AWESOME PLEASE DATE ME)

    1. eleventysix +7

      eh, i have yet to find a chicago boy worth the time/effort.

      *retreats with knitting, drinks, netflix, cat, spite*

  89. themegnapkin +2

    I don’t have an ergonomic work set up, and I think I may be getting carpal tunnel syndrome or something similar in my right wrist. Rather than make my work set up better, I’m trying to learn to do things with my left hand (???). Has anyone here successfully made herself ambidextrous?

    1. Girl Named Jack +1

      I sometimes switch the mouse to my non-dominant hand to give myself a break. Plus it’s kinda challenging and fun! If you’ve got a two-button mouse don’t forget on Windows you can switch the buttons so you don’t have to click backwards. I only do this if I’m not doing any GIS or CAD work though. I’m good, but not that good.

    2. CleverManka +7

      I had to switch to a left-handed mouse when I developed tendonitis in my right wrist. Now I’m actually better at using a mouse left-handed, but it took a couple months. I can’t really do other fine motor movements left-handed, but I am aces at left-handed mousing. It’s pretty much just practice practice practice and yeah, it’s gonna suck at the beginning. Ya just gotta keep on keeping on.

      That said, there’s no point in making the switch with no other changes because if your workstation isn’t set up well, you’re just gonna wind up with pain in both hands, and then how will you hold a wine glass or masturbate? Good luck!

    3. Goomaly +1

      I’ve done that. It doesn’t take long to get used to it, actually.

      Also consider going to a drugstore and getting a little wrist brace. I have one and it really helps, though it’s annoying at first. But it puts everything in the right position and reduces stress in the wrist and hand.

      ALSO the stress points will travel up your arm! So be sure to stretch your arms. And arm massages. Poke around and you’ll find tension points.

    4. Passing_Strange +2

      I did this and ended up with pain in both my wrists, then finally went to physio (covered by work) and now have a twice daily routine of applying a heating pad to my arms from wrist to elbow, massaging, and stretching which seems to be keeping the pain away for now. Good luck!

    5. paperbgprincess +2

      Do you work in a place with an HR department? One of my previous employers actually paid for an ergonomic consultant to come around periodically and (if you wanted him to) he’d look at your setup, adjust everything, and if he thought you needed a special keyboard or whatever it actually got paid for. It’s cheaper for your company to buy you some new gear now than have your productivity impacted by a repetitive strain injury later!

    6. lemonadefish +2

      I ruined my right wrist early in life (mumblemumblemasturbatingmumble), and so do many things with my left hand. Mousing isn’t one of them though.

      There are some good stretches you can find in YouTube that will probably help though! And the dysfunction most likely goes all the way up to your neck. Massage from someone knowledgeable can also help.

    7. msjinxie +1

      If it works, it works, but I’d second what other folks have said and please do try to fix your work environment either on your own (there’s info online!) or with an ergo expert. I’m still recovering from similar problems (though I let it go for too long and it’s affected my overall alignment as well as my wrist/shoulder, and caused myself some serious hip pain) and a few ergo tweaks have helped, as has working with a chiropractor.

      1. themegnapkin +2

        I just had a long talk with our office manager about ergonomics. She’s going have someone install a shelf for my keyboard, and she promised to look into getting me a chair that is not built for a 6ft tall person (I am 5ft3 with short legs and arms), plus a footrest.
        Thanks, all!

  90. Briony_Fields +3

    Ha, are you my sister? She’s always commanding me to return and keep her company! I lived there from 2004-2006, and also briefly in 2003. Were you there then? Do we know each other???

    1. aravisthequeen +1

      Nooo, I was in Ottawa and New Brunswick before this! Anyhow, downtown Belleville has really gone downhill and it’s kind of sketchy to walk around even in the daytime, which is very depressing to me.

  91. seapartridge +1

    Friends with piercings! Does anyone have experience buying jewelry online rather than in a piercing shop? I’m looking for something high-quality from a reputable place — I’m just not sure how to interpret all of the different types. I’m mainly looking for 1. a captive bead ring for my upper cartilage piercing that I’ve had for ages, and 2. a stud for my tragus piercing. This must seem like the most basic question, but… how do I know what sizes / types to look for?

    1. CleverManka +1

      Best thing I can tell you is know your gauge size and always go with either gold or stainless steel. I’ve had good luck finding original designs on Etsy. Not cheap, but very pretty. If you’re just looking for captive bead stuff and nothing fancy (like with gemstones and such), you’re pretty safe.

      If you’re uncertain of your gauge size, just pop into a piercing place. They’ll be able to tell you by looking–doubt you’ll even have to remove the piercing. If they can’t tell you, they’re…not a great piercing place? If you don’t have a single piercing shop near you, hardware stores sell wire gauge rulers but 1. that’s kinda expensive for just needing one bit of information, and 2. you’ll probably have to remove your piercing to measure.

    2. allanaaa +1

      bmezine.com is blocked at work, so I can’t go there to look up all the jewelry brands I used to know. But there’s definitely some guides online to choosing good jewelry. This is all offhand, so don’t quote me on any of it:
      1. Make sure the metal is good – sterling silver, titanium, gold if you’re allergic.
      2. You were probably pierced at 14g or 16g and I assume you haven’t stretched? If your piercer was any good you will have gotten all that info written down on a sheet when it was pierced. If you have to measure your jewelry to figure it out, well ….
      3. CBRs will require special tools or a professional to insert, so you’ll have to go to a shop anyways, so, why not get them to measure it?
      4. BUY THIS http://www.bodycandy.com/cgi-bin/item/34370

    3. vlyra +1

      I bought all of my jewelry from bodyartforms.com – seriously like thousands of dollars worth of jewelry over the years. They have jewelry sectioned off into premium vs. economy, so if you look in the premium quality jewelry they have brands like Anatometal and Industrial Strength, which are reputable companies for titanium/steel/niobium/gold pieces. If you don’t want to visit a piercer to ask them the gauge of your piercings, I’d say just buy 14g or 16g jewelry. They are standard sizes, and if your piercings are more than a year old they can accommodate a .4mm stretch. Also, BAF sends sizing cards with orders so you can measure your jewelry and see what size they are! God this seems like a super long comment. I didn’t know I was so enthusiastic about BAF… but they seem to be the best of the online body jewelry bunch and tbh I don’t really trust other sites.

  92. friendofdaja +8

    Does anyone else actually like winter weather? We got our first real cold day here, complete with flurries, and I love it! However, everyone in my office is bitching and moaning about the cold, and how winter is awful. And this from a place where it routinely reaches 70 in January, and the most snow we ever get is about a foot, which melts 2 days later.

    I miss New England winters, and my coworkers are wusses.

    1. cait0716 +6

      I love winter weather. I love the long nights because it makes me feel like I have more time, or like I’m staying up later than normal. I love the crisp, cool weather. It gives me more energy and makes me feel more alive. I always get busier in the winter, but I feel more able to handle it than in the summer when I just want to laze the days away. I love snow and the way it slows everything down and makes the world look clean and fresh. I love the awesome ice storms that leave the trees looking so fragile. I love the holidays and cuddling up in sweaters and tights, with warm blankets and hot drinks. Winter is cozy and magical and my favorite season of all the seasons.

      1. friendofdaja +3

        Great description!

        I’m currently wearing my newest sweater, and looking forward to a night in with hot cocoa, my LL Bean slippers, and some serious Netflix marathoning.

        1. catoclock +3

          Yes totally! I moved to New England not quite 3 years ago and I love how cold and snowy it is up here. Plus, I get to play indoor soccer from November through April and outdoor soccer from May through October and it is basically the ideal climate for how I want to do sport.

    2. bibliobotic +1

      I do, but I live in the South, so “winter” is a pretty relative description here. It’s going to be “freezing” here this weekend (it might get down to freezing overnight, but will be in the low 50s during the day) and I was like, “Yay,” and my coworkers gave me death stares for it.

      I also love visiting places that have real winter, but I suppose I wouldn’t want to move back to Marquette now that I have decent motor skills and would be expected to shovel.

    3. Passing_Strange +3

      I can’t say that I love everything about winter, but I love the beginning when the snow is a novelty, and I love ice skating and knitwear and hot chocolate.

    4. eleventysix +2

      I LOVE WINTER.

      i am also currently the only one celebrating/skipping about the cold. everyone else is glaring at me from underneath multiple warm fuzzy layers.

    5. AmazingSandwich +6

      The worst thing about winter is the lack of daylight; the best thing is everything else.

    6. daisicles +3

      I like winter. Well, I like winter in the places where I’ve lived, which is mostly the mountains of Tennessee. It gets cold and it does snow, but nothing like a New England winter. But I really like those cold, clear days you get in winter and I like watching snow fall.

      I hear nothing but bitching and moaning, particularly from my dad who would love it if it were 90 degrees outside year round (which, NO), from everybody around here, which makes me sad.

    7. Goomaly +2

      I currently live in the desert, and I’m from a Mediterranean climate, so yeah, I fucking love winter.

    8. OncoMouse +3

      I love winter! I love how peaceful snow is when it’s falling. I love over-sized sweaters, boots, and scarves. I prefer being cold to being hot.

    9. ladyimogen +1

      I love winter! I miss New England winters for their shorter duration, warmer weather, better snow, and more daylight (compare to current home of interior Alaska). I feel like they are the best combination of true winter and seasons without unending misery!

    10. silverandsnow +2

      ME ME ME! Winter is awesome, you can layer on as much clothing as needed and get to play in the snow and then curl up indoors with comfort food and hot drinks. Summer heat turns me into a sweat puddle inside of thirty seconds. And because I am contrary by nature, when I lived in a less-wintry place I used to love bouncing in to work on a cold and stormy day, all cheerful and smiling and isn’t-this-great!! just to drown out my bitching-and-moaning coworkers.

    11. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      We love winter weather in theory but since we have been in (temperate, sunny) California our entire adult lives, it is *very* theoretical. We would move someplace with actual winters if given the opportunity, though. 🙂

  93. rangiferina +3

    Does anyone have an opinion on those dog DNA tests (like Wisdom Panel, etc)? total, inaccurate bunk or a fun way to find out your mutt’s background? (maybe both!) I’ve been thinking about getting one for my dad for Christmas so we can test our dog, but I’m still a little hesitant.

    (for what it’s worth, we’re pretty sure that the pup in question has a good dose of husky in her, so it’s not going to be a total crapshoot – I hope)

  94. eegghh +1

    Advice requested on any and all of the following products:

    1. home projectors. Any favorites in the 2-400$ range?
    2. anyone ever hired a cleaning lady and how did that work out?
    3. where does one buy clothing that makes one look like a sexy minimalist architect? In particular blouses that are not polyester and do not have buttons. Also allergic to wool, so i’m talking cotton, linen, silk and maybe some rayon/viscose. Is there any site that does that? I feel like all the minimalist blouses are polyester and all cotton blouses seem to be covered in trims and details.

    1. Goomaly +3

      Have you looked at Zara? They might have what you need re: clothes. Not sure about the fabrics but they are certainly sexy minimalist.

      Also, I don’t need a cleaning service so much as I strait up just need a housekeeper.

    3. robotneedslove +6

      I have a cleaning lady and it is amazing. She is amazing.

      I did not go through a service – I have done that before, with way less awesome results.

      I got a referral through a friend (I guess you need friends with cleaning ladies, what does that say about me). Anyway, I pay her directly and she gets 100% of the money, which is really important to me.

      1. dakimel +1

        That’s what I do. Got the referral from a friend, and she works a morning every 2 weeks. She was here today, so therefore I will be a happy person for the next 5-6 days or so, most especially when I curl up in bed tonight. I have never been able to make the bed as well as she does.

      2. Ab_Fab +1

        Tardy to the party on this, but what do you do about taxes? When I started looking for a cleaning person, all of the solo service providers wanted cash, under the table. So I defaulted to a large cleaning service company because (1) taxes and (2) insurance, but I know that they don’t pay their people enough…

    4. pamplemoussi +1

      Oh oh! I can answer 2!

      I recently hired Molly Maids for a one time cleaning and it was AWESOME. I looked into a bunch of different companies but in the end chose Molly Maid because they had the best yelp reviews (is that weird? Seriously, some companies offered groupons and their Yelp reviews were like, “The cleaner never showed up/the cleaner wiped down two surfaces and spent the rest of the time playing with my cat”). I just let them in before I left for work and they locked up and slide the keys under the door when they were done. Easy easy! And they did all the stuff I hate: cleaned the bathroom, dusted the living room, vacuumed everything. It cost about $160 for two people working two hours and that was enough time for them to clean most of my apartment.

    5. GreenGrasses +2

      Hit up Everlane for those blouses! They’re fairly priced, made of silk, and very high quality. There is no ethical consumerism under capitalism etc., but I think they make a real effort to source their material/labor from reputable sources.

    6. thecaitd +3

      I have my first cleaning service visit tomorrow. I’m using a woman-owned co-op recommended to me by a coworker, and they’ve come to clean our office before and were pretty thorough. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be impressed! Look for co-ops though, obviously they are good for workers but they also don’t press cost-cutting measures on the staff as much, so the staff cn do their jobs better.

    7. OncoMouse +2

      I hired a woman-owned small business to clean my old apartment. It was fabulous. She came on Fridays. So I would get home from a long, shitty week to a clean apartment that smelled amazing. Then I bought a house and could no longer afford her, and I come home to a dirty house and am sad.

    8. Elizabeth

      Please –do not hire your cleaning person through an agency — they keep most of the money and just pay minimum wage to the actual cleaners. If you can, find someone who is her own boss.

      If you are in Europe, have you tried Cos for shirts?

  95. Unreadaethel +22

    My ex is coming at 6 pm to pick up as much of his shit as he can fit in his car! We broke up after he moved to Belgium for a year and a half, and I’ve had his stuff ever since. I’m excited about getting my hall closet back, and also anxious about the actual seeing him again. Because he is an asshole.

    We were supposed to do this on (this) Monday, since I have Mondays off. But he asked if he could crash at my place, and I said I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, but he could check out the variety of moderately-priced hotels in the area. He’d already made plans in town for the next day, and said “a hotel? you realize how inhospitable a suggestion that is. what could possibly be so objectionable about my presence?” He was also not willing to have his stuff left out on the front step while I was at work, so apparently packing his car in the dark is the best option for him. He also wants to ‘chill’ after, which I’m pretty sure is his way of managing to hang around until it’s late enough that I feel awkward kicking him out. This is not going to work out for him; rather than attempting to actually enforce my emotional boundaries (because that’s never worked), I’m going to tell him I have a church thing at 8. Which is true, as my priest is doing a pulpit exchange with a local temple this weekend, and I have the option of hearing him give the sermon at Temple Beth Israel at 8.

    Naturally, this is the day when the scheduling at work goes to shit, and my boss gets mad at me for things that aren’t actually my fault.

      1. Unreadaethel +33

        It’s at least courteous of him to consistently reinforce my decision to break up with him in the first place.

        1. Elsa is Emily +3

          Yeeeeah, when someone so loudly trumpets their annoyance and resentment over your very reasonable boundaries, they’re reinforcing the truth that you needed to set those boundaries in the first place. But it can be hard to stick to them anyhow. Good for you!

    2. paperbgprincess +10

      Way to go setting boundaries! What a juicebox. He should be glad you haven’t sold/burned all his stuff. Maybe you can invite a friend over while the exchange happens? Might be a good way of diffusing tension, and your friend can a) help carry stuff to the car and make it go faster, and b) invent excuses of stuff you have to go do together so ex-bf can’t POSSIBLY stick around, your’e far too busy.

      1. Unreadaethel +9

        If he can’t get all of his shit, and drags his feet about coming to get the rest, I’m just going to give him a day, tell him his stuff will be outside that day, and leave the decisions to him.

      2. Unreadaethel +5

        Oh my fucking Christ, he only got 2/3 of it, and he’s not actually moving back to town until…January. He was borrowing the car of the friend he’s staying with one state away, and hasn’t been able to find a car of his own yet (on Craiglist, because wtf). So I have a bunch of boxes for another two months, at which point we get to go through all of this again.

        At least the cat got spooked and refused to let him pet her. Good cat.

        1. Elsa is Emily +4

          YEESH. Whatever you decide to arrange for next time, remind yourself that you are doing him a favor and are entitled to set up whatever arrangement suits you.

          You’re serving as an unpaid storage center for his stuff; having done him this longstanding favor, you don’t also have to arrange yourself to his schedule. (If you decide to because it’s easier for you in whatever way, that’s your business and I would never judge you for it.) You can say “Come pick your stuff up on [date] or [date], I’m free from [time] to [time] and anything left over is going to Goodwill.” If you give him some notice and choice, you’re being quite considerate.

          You’ve been more than generous with him, and you don’t have to continue storing stuff for him, or accommodating his delays and dodges any more.

          1. Unreadaethel +4

            I’m taking the (small) first step of unfriending him on facebook. I was planning to once this was all over and I had no reason to put up with his whining anymore, but I’m not fucking waiting until January. I will, in fact, keep the rest of his shit here until he actually finishes moving to town, at which point he can come get it when it’s convenient for me.

            The big issue is that my depression’s been acting up, so enforcing boundaries takes all the spoons I have (which, after a long day at work, is very few). So I’ve been limiting the number of things I’m willing to say that will set off whining or a hissy fit, just because I can’t even deal. Which is, of course, why I broke up with him in the first place.

          2. Elsa is Emily +5

            YAY FOR UNFRIENDING! You’re getting his stuff out of your home, you’re getting his stuff out of your social media, you are doing it!

            And yeah, that’s why I wanted to stress that whatever you decide to do, I would never judge you for it. Enforcing boundaries is hard work, no one does it perfectly, and expecting perfection is discouraging. You’ll do what you can.

            I don’t know if this is useful or welcome, but one way I deal with the most difficult, entrenched emotional trespassers in my life is to give them a chance to do it reasonably, then just plain give up and offer what I’m sure they consider a brutal ultimatum: Do it in this way that requires little future effort from me, or don’t do it.

            In this case, that might look like “What day are you likely to pick up those boxes? Great, at [time] on that day, I’m putting them out on the porch. If they’re not gone by [hours-later time], I’ll post a FREE notice on Craigslist.” Or it might look like something else. Doesn’t really matter, because if it suits you to take this approach, you can just make the offer and then stop. No negotiating, no nothing: I’ve already accommodated them plenty and it is over. It’s remarkably effective.

          3. Unreadaethel +4

            Once he notices that I’ve unfriended him, he’ll most likely have a fit (in which he’ll tell me that my discomfort “doesn’t even make sense” and that he thought we were friends, but I don’t even care enough to try, omg), and then perhaps these details will come out. Once he’s actually living in town again, I’ll give him a day when he can come get his stuff, including the bookcase he wants back (which makes me sad, as it’s a very nice bookcase). After that, things will go into three categories: stuff I want, stuff that goes to the thrift store, and stuff that goes in the trash.

            Every time he makes an ass of himself, this all gets much easier.

    3. GreenGrasses +15

      Stand your ground! Bodily remove him from your place by lifting him over your head if you need to!!

      1. Unreadaethel +12

        I do have a large, bearded coworker who offered to just kind of hang around at my place and be intimidating. Mostly, I plan to just shut down emotionally and tell him that I don’t give a shit about his problems. Because I do not, in fact, give a shit about his problems.

  96. perianwen +5

    Toasties! I also finally figured out what I am going to do for my Oscar dress next year…I had been agonizing over what to do with the trim on it and just yesterday the pieces finally clicked together in my wee brain, so now I have a Plan! *cackles evilly* Considering this is about the only thing that’s gone right this week, I am taking great comfort in it.

  97. fleurdelivre87 +3

    ToastMoms! My best friend had twin boys in April. I am going to finally meet them when she comes for a visit at Christmastime. I have sent them bibs and onesies and even did a diaper delivery service for them when they first arrived. What are some good ideas of Christmas gifts for babies and/or the parents? One complication: her husband is in the military and they are moving in early January, so I don’t want to give them anything big/ oddly sized that might be hard to pack up. Also, how is it possible to love these babies so much when I haven’t even met them yet?!

    1. houblonchouffe +5

      You could send them a big box of bath products–maybe see if they know their new address and send it there? One of my friends registered at Lush when she was pregnant–bath bombs for herself to use when her husband had primary responsibility for the baby, Ickle Baby Bots for when the kid wouldn’t settle down before bed, stuff like that.

  98. sausagedog +22

    Holy craaaaap I couldn’t read that whole thing, it was like an essay written by the Birds Rights Activist. “I have experienced many women who claim feminism” sorry whatttt does that even mean??

    Just ignore him. Save your energy for something productive. Like “mixing gin with tonic.” It’s Friday, not EducateManChildrenday.

    1. houblonchouffe +9

      I am intrigued by your theories and wish to subscribe to your newsletter. Gin AND tonic, you say?

      1. sausagedog +8

        Listen, I haven’t shared this with anyone yet, but… sometimes I even throw in some lime. Crazy, eh?

        1. houblonchouffe +11

          Well, I never. This will need full exploration in approximately one hour and forty minutes’ time.

          /actually ACTUALLY WOW HOW DID THIS NOT ALREADY OCCUR TO ME my boss has skived off for the afternoon, so I could probably do that too and there is a perfectly lovely little tavern up the street that I’ve positive has all three of the previously discussed items and could put them int a glass for me, all together, that I could visit anytime I liked…

  100. christina tesoro

    Oh, harsh away. I have been way harsher and way meaner screaming in my head about this.

    The thing is, he has literally no money. Which is also an adult problem and he should solve it but — I know my parents. They've been paying his FULL RENT since March (he moved in in May/June after graduation, and I covered all the utilities until he moved in even though he did live there sporadically during that time). They helped me out so much when I graduated (paid half my rent) — but I also got a job immediately, and had been working while I was in school to make sure I could do that. It's a shitty office job but it paid me enough that I covered half my rent and within a few months was telling them they should stop helping me out.

    Little Bro…has been unemployed until about a month ago. He was dead set on being a bartender — which he now is — but he is making $8/hr (and "tips" but he's a newbie bartender so I don't even know how much that is). He was so stubborn that even though I could have referred him to HR where I work he said no (bc he saw how much I don't like it, which maybe I was too vocal about, my mom says I scared him off).

    I'm so angry with him but…we definitely enabled this. I want to help my parents since they helped me so much and they…really can't afford to keep paying for him (but they will do it, unless we figure out a way to get him to the cheaper place.) But I also really don't want to move back home! And my brother, to make matters worse…sort of seems to have no sense of urgency about any of this? Which is probably the most infuriating part of all.

    Ugh. I don't know.

    1. Fazakerly +1

      I have been worried that if the Guardian has written about it, it must be A THING , so I am waiting for the fuss to die down,

      1. houblonchouffe +1

        That’s a fair point. FWIW it’s weepier than the John Lewis ad this year, probably as weepy as last year’s John Lewis ad, but oh man oh man if you’ve seen Joyeaux Noel then you know what’s coming.

    2. catoclock +1

      Is that the one with the penguins or is there a different Christmas ad that wants everyone to cry a lot?

  103. Household_Opera +7

    Toastrons! I’m spending this weekend listening to a whole bunch of people read Moby-Dick out loud. I don’t think I’ll be able to devote all day Saturday and Sunday to it, but I AM EXCITE. We’ll all be vicariously taking to the sea! Any NYC folks planning on going? It should be a ton of fun, and there will be chowder, apparently.

    And as for getting ready for Thanksgiving: this year I’ve decided to make fruitcake — real fruitcake, not that stuff with the bright red and green candied cherries in it — in time to bring some home to share with my family for Christmas. Which means I need to actually make the cake the weekend before Thanksgiving at the very latest, so as to give it a chance to “mature” properly in the month or so before it’s eaten. (And by “mature” I mean “sit on the counter in an airtight container being liberally spritzed with brandy every other day.”) We’ll see if I can get it together to fight my way through the crowds at Trader Joe’s to buy up a ton of dried fruit beforehand.

    1. houblonchouffe +2

      WE ARE ALSO MAKING THIS. It’s currently tightly wrapped up next to its friend, the bottle of Christian Brothers.

    2. Elsa is Emily +2

      Oh gosh, I love fruitcake and I think of doing this every year. I’m eager to hear how it goes!

      1. Household_Opera +2

        I did it last year and it was great, except I didn’t get around to it until after Christmas, so it ended up being February Fruitcake. (Which was not a bad thing. Last February was so cold and miserable that brandy-laced fruitcake was an absolutely appropriate thing to eat.) This is the recipe I used: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/alton-brown/fr… Last year I discovered that my loaf pan is a bit too small for this recipe, so this year I’m going to make one regular-loaf-pan fruitcake and one little baby fruitcake to bake next to it.

        1. Elsa is Emily +1

          It sounds so marvelous! I consider it every year and every year I decide against it. There aren’t enough people in my life who appreciate a good fruitcake, and it’s a lavish lot of trouble and expense to go to just to hear a lot of fruitcake jokes.

          Maybe I’ll just order a tiny fruitcake and eat it all myself.

  104. bookwormV +4

    My partner’s grandmother died very recently. He has just got confirmation of the date of the funeral: it is on my birthday. Obviously this is worse for him, and I feel awful for him, but am still sad that he won’t be around (I’m in university all day, and he’s getting back in the evening, so we should still see a bit of each other, but it’s still not brilliant).

    1. bookwormV +6

      Oh, also: in a lecture the other day, one of my tutors was describing a very eccentric group of librarians (the Dewey Decimal System classification people? Possibly Library of Congress) and illustrated this by mentioning that one man wears women’s jewellery all the time. I was taken aback enough by this that I emailed her later that day to say that I didn’t think people doing gender non-confirming things was worthy of mockery, and there are lots of LGBT students in the cohort, of whom I am one (although I am still very much at the questioning “how do I even know what my sexuality is?” stage), and then felt really awkward about it. She sent a nice, apologetic email back, but arrgh.

      1. Elsa is Emily +4

        GOOD FOR YOU, and thank you. That awkward feeling is pretty common even when you’ve done the right thing in the right way. It’s easy to absorb the awkwardness that properly should rest on the shoulders of the tutor because that’s how social weirdness works, more or less: it gets distributed around to everyone.

        But that’s okay! It’s not your awkwardness! It belongs to your tutor.

        1. bookwormV +3

          Thank you! And yeah, I try to remind myself that when stuff like this happens, it’s not me making things awkward, it’s the person who says offensive things, but I still frequently feel bad about it. (For example: a friend’s wedding, where a posh, old, male friend of the groom’s parents made a speech – why? – and made a trans-related joke, at which I shouted, “THAT’S NOT SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT”. The best man came and told me I was making a scene, and I ended up in tears.) But I am trying to speak up more, because I know it’s the right thing to do, and whenever I don’t I just feel eaten up with guilt anyway.

          My tutor was very nice and apologetic (sincerely, I am sure), and I hope this doesn’t make things weird when I next see her this week. I think we are both feeling awkward.

    2. lemonadefish +3

      Perhaps you can move your birthday to another day? Then you could celebrate properly, if that’s what you like to do.

      1. bookwormV +2

        Good plan! I am bad at birthday celebrations, generally (my natural inclination being to stay in bed with a nice book, rather than to go out and do things), but planning something would be a good idea. Last year we went for a nice walk and visited a local wildlife rescue centre, which I loved.

    3. Elsa is Emily +2

      I’m so sorry — yes, first and foremost for your partner, who’s lost his grandmother, and also in a smaller but just as sincere way, for you.

      I second the possibility of celebrating another day entirely. Maybe plan something with friends or family for your actual birthday, then some time later an evening with your partner?

      If you decide to do that, the trick is actually doing it. I had to postpone my birthday this year after emergency surgery, and three months later, we still haven’t had it. We really, really should.

      1. bookwormV +2

        Thank you (on behalf of us both). You’re right, I should. My birthday is the Monday, and he has to leave on Sunday for pre-funeral stuff, but he just asked if I would like to do something on the Saturday, and I should plan something. It would be nice. (I am appalling at making plans, and currently piles of coursework and various part-time jobs and trying to juggle social events isn’t helping matters, but I think it should be worth it.) And I have now planned to go home and see my siblings for a meal with just the three of us, a few weeks after the birthday (we’re triplets, so it’ll be good to celebrate together, even if it is belated), which will be great.

        I hope when you do have your belated birthday celebrations they are lovely! Emergency birthday surgery sounds immensely inconvenient. I’m sorry you had to deal with that.

  105. ebbieann +4

    are there sf area toasties meet ups? have i missed all of them? i went to the reading last night and realized i would love to know more people that read the the toast around here, as i’m new-ish to the area and mostly know dudes so far :\

    1. paperbgprincess +1

      I was there too!

      Are you on twitter? There are a bunch of us who hang out on twitter and self-organize into a brunch club! I’m @lizbizfizz!

      1. gentlehangovers +1

        I have a twitter account, but it’s set to private and I don’t post anything (meaning: I don’t know how to use it.) Do I need to change either of these things to join the Toast Twitters?

        1. msjinxie +1

          It does make it easier to chat, but you should at least be able to follow us so you can see what we’re up to! Someone generally posts when we’re going to meet up. (Ok, let’s be real, we’re all constantly on Twitter.) I’m @MsJinxie and I was also there last night (with Ms Paperbgprincess above) 😀 You were so close to Toasties!

          1. ebbieann +1

            okay i was not on twitter but now i AM, y’all! i will do this. i’m ebbieann_ and i will begin following all toasties. 🙂

          2. gentlehangovers +1

            I don’t mind un-privating my account – just never had a reason to before. So – I’ll follow you and then try to figure it all out? I’m @richstar.

          3. hedgelet +2

            hi bay area toasties! I am new here too, and would love to meet some people, but don’t have twitter. I’ll try to figure out how to make an account to follow you all. Anyone else going to the book swap Mallory’s hosting at The Booksmith next Friday?

          4. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

            Oh wow, I had no idea there were regular bay are toast brunches and other things! How do I get on board?

    2. gentlehangovers +2

      ha, I was there too! That makes at least four of us wandering around alone last night. Too bad we didn’t band together against the catcalling asshats who were congregating down the street.

      1. ebbieann +2

        i was not alone per say, brought a tall bf with me to ward off haight urchins, but i was super jealous of all the girls around!

  106. LaughableWalrus +4

    Toastrons! Hi! I haven’t been around in forever because time zones are the worst, but I am just coming back from a delightful night out with friends and remembered it’s open thread time! HOORAY.

    Things I’m trying to accomplish: getting back into Twitter. (Does it count as back if you were only half-hearted at best to begin with?) Rehashing what’s probably an old subject, but anyone want to do a Twitter handle exchange? Mine’s @itskez and I’d love to connect with some Toasties outside of blog-posting hours, since I usually miss the times when everyone’s talking on here.

    And now back to lurking!

  107. whizzdumb +24

    I’ve been thinking about how my participation ’round here and in certain twitter areas is probably too much or too often because white male voices don’t need to be any louder (now I’m plural). There’s no “but…” to that. This really is, by far, the best place on the internet and it’s hard to just read and enjoy and contemplate without chiming in–like in real life when women are talking I always need to elbow in the conversation and make my booming gruff opinion known to all within earshot. Yeah not really, but I am doing it now. I need to refine my comment-making criteria, like, only if x do I respond with y. Okay Talk AT Ya’ll Laaaater.

    1. paperbgprincess +23

      Obviously I only speak for myself but I do enjoy and value the participation of some white dudes! The type of guy who enjoys hanging out here is relatively rare and I like to be reminded that you exist.

  108. MuseKray +1

    I’m guessing this might be too late, but can anyone recommend me the best websites or staffing agencies for finding jobs in Seattle. I’m moving to the area no matter what next Feb/March but job searching is so depressing and stressful.

    1. laurenipsum +1

      Are you the person who posted this to the Seattle Hairpin group? I’m trying to remember where to find librarian-type jobs. (I am happy in mine and hope to keep it forever, so I have forgotten where all the good places to find jobs are.)

      1. MuseKray +1

        Haha! Small world.
        Yes I am that person. That site you recommended is super helpful so thank you! 🙂
        I am not super attached to finding library jobs so I’m pretty much open to being creative with my background, which a combination of library-ish research jobs and graphic design-lite (I use Illustrator and Photoshop a lot for my current job).

    2. Miss B

      TERRA Staffing is a nice little agency full of really nice people — you can get regular temp work through them, but they’ll also only look for interviews for permanent positions if that’s what you need/want. When I was unemployed, they sent me on a bunch of very well-meaning interviews (that were either for jobs I totally didn’t want once I’d actually talked to people at the various offices, or places that had nothing negative to say about me but just didn’t want to hire me — all of whom ended up finding people without using the agency, I believe, or so the nice staffing people told me). Anyway — they didn’t end up getting me a job in the end, but I feel really positive about my experience with them anyway.

  109. Calliope +3

    I just moved to Madison this summer, with my husband and baby, and it’s a really nice town. Very outdoorsy, very politically active, and very, very friendly. I haven’t made it out on the town as much as I could have (see: baby, above), but I’ve been favorably impressed. We moved here for the residency match. It sounds like you might be doing the same?

    1. ladyimogen +1

      We’re scouting based on PhD programs in human geography (for the husband) and livability/vitality/humanity/career for me. Madison’s program is really attractive and also quite competitive, so we’ll see- just trying to wrap my head around some of these places that are not in the far northern corners of the country!

  110. sofie_fatale +3

    Just coming here to whine ’cause I’m trying to apply for grad school and the professors writing my letters of rec have completely stopped responding to me hahahahHAHAHsjldfkjkjaldf. As far as they know, one of my apps is due T – O – M – O – R – R – O – W yet neither of them have acknowledged my increasingly panicky “Hey remember this thing you agreed to do two months ago, well, it’s coming up soon/sooner/NOW and I’m not entirely sure you still exist in corporeal form?” emails. Thankfully the due date was postponed so they have a couple more weeks to get their ish together. Now I’m just hoping their non-responsiveness is general professorial busy-ness and not reflective of any indifference towards me 🙁

  111. anklecemetery +2

    I buy the Uniqlo heat tech tights almost religiously; they are maybe slightly warmer than non-heat tech opaque black tights, but they NEVER SNAG and I have kept the same pairs for almost three terrible winters. I do not care for the shirts at all, and strongly prefer silk workout shirts (similar to underarmour), which I can wear alone and not as a base layer.

    1. beyonce pad thai

      I know this post is old but thanks for the tip!! I’ve destroyed two pairs of H&M thights on the first wear this week, might as well have set fire to my € 8

  112. annieleeroth +4

    You guyyyyyys I’m so late to this but I thought I’d post anyway… I’m having just the worst week, does anyone want to hang out with me on skype? My name there is “gokumata” and I expect I’ll be here all weekend. I don’t really have anything positive to add, except that my dog will make cute faces at you, so there’s that I guess.

    1. donkeywork +4

      I’m an unSkypeable Luddite, but I am cranking up my Victrola and adding a wax cylinder to tell you that I hope things get better soon, and I like the idea that you’re offering cute dog faces as an incentive. Better luck next week!

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      If I had not spent yesterday morning taking a stupid STUPID standardised test I would have loved to do this with you, our week has been horrible too. I would love to see you and your dog!

  113. cornpancake +3

    Can you guys confirm I’m not pregnant? I just switched to the pill from a copper IUD (loved it for 2.5 years, then it suddenly gave me problems- would still recommend!). I got my period overnight on Monday into Tuesday, started the pill the following Sunday, and then had sex with a condom twice the next Friday (five days after starting the pill). The pill is supposed to be effective right away if you start it within 5 days of starting your period; I started it within, like, five and a HALF days. And I am constantly terrified that condoms aren’t going to work, which is why I’m still paranoid, even though the condom didn’t break and there’s no indication he came inside me.

    2. lemonadefish +5

      It would be very very very unlikely. Pill plus condom is highly effective, and if you are watching for a broken or slipped condom, it’s easy to spot if something has gone wrong there. Plus it’s unlikely you’re fertile the week after your period (though possible). Is Implanon an option for you? That’s the one that goes in your arm. Slightly more effective than an IUD, so it could be good if you are too nervous about other methods working.

  114. autumnlorayne +2

    I think I’ve linked to this before on another open thread, but I can’t NOT brag on my mom, especially given the Moogle post today, so,
    https://www.etsy.com/shop/SecondChanceJournals , for some beautiful journals and cards made out of old books.

  116. hedgelet +5

    Whew, super late to this, especially since I’m on the west coast. I usually try to read the open thread throughout the day, but I just started my new job this week! Guys, I am exhausted. I barely have the energy to cook and make myself look presentable, much less do anything social. How do you do it, people with full-time jobs?? I am in a new city and want to make friends and get out and do stuff and try to date! but like…damn, actually all I want to do is go to bed. help.

    1. Beakses +3

      It sounds silly, but it gets better! Getting stuff done on the weekends to allow yourself to stay clothed and fed throughout the week helps. Getting used to your new job so that it’s routine instead of new! and scary! and stressful! makes a big difference- it usually takes me 2-3 months before the “omg I’m totally screwing up everything” settles down. And when that stress settles down having the energy to go out and do things and new people usually comes back.

      1. hedgelet +2

        Thanks Beakses! Yesterday was kind of a bust, so it was nice to come home to this 🙂 This week, I’m making healthy lunches ahead of time and reminding myself that it will get better. and breathing through the commute. ha.

  117. rolotomassi5 +4

    This is super far down in the thread so I doubt anyone will see it.

    Anybody watched “One Of The Greats” on Netflix yet? Chelsea is a goddamned American treasure.

    That is all.

  119. Shay

    Hey! Just wanted to speak up for Kansas City. Lawrence is definitely awesome, but Kansas City has its really cool neighborhoods, too. I love living here. There are LOT of art and live theater per capita here and some exciting development going on. There are job hubs all over the city so you're not obligated to go downtown to work. Plus it's a short drive over to Lawrence if you want to soak up the college town thing.

    I haven't got much to say for the rest of the state, though. 🙂