Please do not look at me directly in the eyes; I am a late-night Canadian college radio star now. You may refill my cigarette holder; there's a good darling. No, don't touch it with your skin; it's ruined now. Bring me a fresh one.
Previously: Why Aren’t We Talking About How Much Tim Curry and Dave Grohl Are The Same?
I am horrified and astonished that Johnny Weir and Tom Hiddleston have been running around existing for the last several decades without a single attempt to force them to pair skate together à la Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg because they are the exact same man.
Previously: Male comedians in drag, ranked by attractiveness. No woman, regardless of orientation, can long resist a boyish woman dressed in a well-tailored men's vest. Whether it was this scene from Just One of the Guys or this scene from Young Americans, there came a time in your young and vibrant life when you were shocked to alertness by the quick-moving, wicked-smiling presence of a woman dressed as a man on a screen in…
Last week I got an email from Jesse Lerner-Kinglake at Just Detention International, a health and human rights organization that "seeks to end sexual abuse in all forms of detention." She thought Toast readers might be interested in participating in their holiday campaign to send letters and cards to prisoners who have experienced sexual assault. Last year, JDI delivered 10,000+ unique holiday messages to incarcerated survivors – a record total that we hope to surpass…
Hello. I'm Ross Douthat. Is this thing on? [unintelligible mumbling] I thought there was a...a little secretary inside. With the magnets. Like a dictaphone. I just type in it, then? Okay. We can get rid of this part, though, right, before it goes to press? Great. I'm here to talk to you about a problem that's real bad, this problem: daughters: everybody's got them. Or at least it seems that way. Nowadays you can't…
This holiday installment of Misandrist Lullabies has been brought to you by an anonymous, misandry-loving reader, on behalf of her terrible, soon-to-be-ex-boss. Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen, Men are incapable of goodness; It is impossible for a man to be good. No man who claims the right to rule over others is good. I Saw Mommy Gelding Santa Claus God rest you merry, Gentlemen, Let nothing you dismay,…
Other entries in the series can be found here. Most recently: Adventure Time, Come On, Grab Your Friends. This installment of Femslash Friday is dedicated to Friend of the Toast Rainbow Rowell. I am going to make you want something that you may or may not have already known that you wanted. I am going to make you realize that the real love story at the heart of Gilmore Girls took place between…
In Memoriam of the Celebrities We Lost This Year: Bradley Cooper, let go of our hand in a Kroger's parking lot, got separated in the confusion. Blake Shelton, disappeared from his post as a lighthouse keeper, along with three other men on duty, leaving behind all of their equipment and a completely set dinner table. Taye Diggs, lost at sea. William H. Macy, lost at sea. Lucy Liu, went out for cigarettes and never came…
Previously: The Many Future Mrs. Skywalkers. It is a time of tranquillity for the New Republic. The remnants of the Empire now lie in complete disarray, and the reemergence of the Jedi Knights has brought power and prestige to the fledgling government on Coruscant. Yesterday’s Rebels have become today’s administrators and diplomats, and the factions that fought against Imperial tyranny seem united in savoring the fruits of peace.But the peace is short-lived. As…
Previously: Happy Halloween and Someone's gone missing. Each issue of Cook’s Illustrated begins with a folksy letter with news from down on the old Vermont farm by founder and editor-in-chief Chris Kimball. These charming, old-timey updates remind us all of a slower, simpler way of life, where neighbors stop to swap plowing tips out by the trading post and run when they see Old Henry coming. Who’s Old Henry? Why, what…
The following transcript of a speech given at the Ladies' Botany Society of Philadelphia in 1874 was believed to have been lost until it was discovered last month in the attic of a house scheduled for demolition. It has been reprinted here in full for the first time, courtesy of the Lady Doctors of Pennsylvania Association. Honored ladies of the symposium, I thank you for your invitation to speak today. I shall begin my address…
Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the Lord God made the earth and the heavens, And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the Lord God had not caused it to rain upon the…
"It is my belief that an acute [NOUN A] of (the) [NOUN B] is the cause of your [BODY PART] [NOUN C]. The only possible treatment is to apply [NOUN D] [LENGTH OF TIME], otherwise avoiding [OBSOLETE/MADE-UP DISEASE] may prove impossible."
We Have Always Stayed At The Sandcastle Inn "I could live there all alone. Behind the winding garden path to the small blue front door with, perfectly, a white cat on the step. No one would ever find me there, either, behind all those roses, and just to make sure I would plant oleanders by the road. I will light a fire in the cool evenings and toast apples at my own hearth. I will…
