By Nicole and Mallory

Nicole and Mallory are the Editors of The Toast.

  1. 1. Act blandly surprised whenever she asks if she can bring him to an event, no matter how long they've been together. "Oh, Dave's coming too? Sure, that's fine." 2. Suggest Sleeping With The Devil for movie night. 3. Learn exactly one thing about him; make that the subject of conversation whenever you see him. It will not be necessary to learn two things. 4. Always grab the bill before he does. 5. Whisper "I will bury…

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  2. Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Advice on Crisis Pregnancy Centers and Abusive Family Members. I was wondering what the polite response is in a work environment for "I like you, work-friend, but please do not come into my office and sit down to chat about your diet / our crazy clients at this particular juncture because…

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  3. The real Voight-Kampff test of our era is whether you have ever searched "grizzly man death footage" after watching the fascinating but ultimately unsatisfying Grizzly Man. You yourself have looked for it many times, late at night, usually alone. One night -- expecting nothing -- you find yourself clicking on a new link reading simply "Grizzly Man Dies." The video loads. At first there is only darkness. Suddenly, a piercing scream fills your small…

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  4. If you do not like the things we approve of, we suggest you revisit your stance. You are still allowed to like and/or engage in the things we dis-approve of, you are just wrong. Previous installments can be found here. – Eds. The Toast Approves of the Following Things: 1. TRAINS. 2. Kristen Stewart, no matter what she does. 3. Katharine Hepburn's queerness as canon.

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  5. Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Advice on Relationship Inertia and Past Badness. In a post-Christmas cleanup effort, I've been trying to rid myself of excess baby stuff, including a huge box of diapers my daughter growth-spurted right past, and a bunch of formula that my OB-GYN pushed on me. I kept it in case breastfeeding didn't work out, but it…

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  6. Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Advice About Dating Ladies and Having a Bad Sister. How do you know when it's time to break up with someone? I've never had to so I don't know. Like if you've been with someone for 6 years, and you're in your 30s and you live with them and you don't hate them but you don't…

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  7. Tell us about your hopes and dreams for 2014, or how you're planning on watching Sherlock before the Powers That Be want you to.

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  8. Mallory: Today is our six-month birthday. The months are "rattling inside us like pennies in a tin Band-Aid box." Where has the time gone? (Into the past, presumably). Nicole, what were you doing last January 1st? Nicole: Before we go ANY further, I want to make it clear that I will be truly celebrating this birthday tomorrow, as our actual launch day involved hackers and tears and being on hold with our hosting provider all day,…

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  9. A very merry Misandrist Christmas to you all. Please enjoy this lovely cartoon by Matt Lubchansky.

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  10. If you do not like the things we approve of, we suggest you revisit your stance. You are still allowed to like and/or engage in the things we dis-approve of, you are just wrong. Previous installments can be found here. – Eds. The Toast Approves of the Following Things: 1. Talking to a spam comment like it's a real person and being friendly to it. 2. Purely decorative hats on women. 3. Movies where something goes…

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  11. If you do not like the things we approve of, we suggest you revisit your stance. You are still allowed to like and/or engage in the things we dis-approve of, you are just wrong. Previous installments can be found here. – Eds. The Toast Approves of the Following Things: 1. Cheaper by the Dozen and Belles On Their Toes 2. Deep-dish, or "Chicago-style" pizza as a worthy equal in the wider pizza universe. 3.

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  12. Obviously, we love our original shirt, which will always have the ultimate hipster street credibility of being The First, but we put our heads together and decided to roll out one that a) you can still have before Christmas, b) comes in black, c) is hoodie-optional, and d) buries its misandry in plausible deniability:

    (Remember that you always have the option of taking to the sea.)

    That could mean

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  13. A Toast t-shirt (or tank, but not the military-industrial-complex kind*) that incorporates our little logo AND encourages its wearer and all on-lookers to ponder the wisdom of violent misandry? Of course you do. You have seven days, just like The Ring, and it'll be in your hot little hands (or those of your dearest friend or worst male enemy) for Christmas.

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  14. Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Dating Disclosures. My sister is a blonde, blue-eyed white girl and just went away to college earlier this fall. I just found out that she wants to transfer to go to a "less urban" college.  She's actually my half-sister, via my father and stepmother, but we typically don't make this distinction in my family. Due…

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  15. We emailed with the great Claire Zulkey, of Zulkey.com fame, and emoted a lot about our jobs and who that Nick dude is and our sustaining love for being goofs together.

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