While cleaning up my hard drive recently, I found a folder of papers I wrote in grad school. Some of them aren’t total shit, but the titles are. So I’ve renamed them to reflect my post-academic hopes: that somebody besides me might ever want to read them. I swear to God, the original titles are real. Feel free to make fun. 

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Original Title: The Usefulness of Unease in Jacobean Tragedy New Title:…

BF = bullfighting

DH = Don Henley (everyone is married to Don Henley)

BFP = big fucking prince (if a big fucking prince appears in your house)

MIL = mops in living room

DD = Dudley Do-Right

DF = death fog

MOH = Master of Hessians

DPO = don't party outside

Previously in this gorgeous series.

Tess Durbeyfield (Tess of the d’Urbervilles)

A Vindication of the Rights of Women (Mary Wollstonecraft)

Eros the Bittersweet (Anne Carson)

Hard Choices (Hillary Clinton)

If Stones Could Speak: Unlocking the Secrets of Stonehenge (Marc Aronson)

Clarissa Dalloway (Mrs. Dalloway)

I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence (Amy Sedaris)

Oranges are Not the

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The premise of Dracula Untold is "What if Dracula was just a really good dad, you guys?" and that is more than enough premise for me. I am a very simple woman, and always have been, ever since I was a very simple child. I like movies set in vaguely medieval castle-towns. I like movies about guys who all they want to do is go back to their farms and wives a la Cincinnatus but dammit the world just…

Emily R.'s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

At the start of medical school we all had great aspirations. Vague notions of oncology research, of cracking open chests in the emergency department, saving the day, transplanting hearts. But gradually over four years it became clearer that those things were harder, and less glamorous, than they seemed in the abstract. A month in oncology was emotionally like being hit

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Previously: How to talk to babies about Marxist theory. BABY: read dog book ME: are you ready to find the antecedent BABY: [holds out book] dog book ME: okay are you encoding or decoding right now ground yourself in context before looking for meaning BABY: [waves book] ME: thats right find your spacetime coordinate   ME: [jingles keys] BABY: [gurgles happily] ME: okay baby what are you laughing at [jingles keys] are you laughing…

I am sure you have already seen Jaya and Matt's illustrated guide to why you looked weird in high school BUT IF YOU DIDN'T.

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a) please do not use the word "nazis" to describe anyone with any kind of breastfeeding stance

b) the people up your cancer-surviving ass about magically somehow breastfeeding despite having no breast tissue are fuckin' dickssssss just call them that instead:

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Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

His roommate, Evan's ice cream

His classmate's answers to the test

His roommate's Wheaties, tucked on the shelf behind his roommate's note about not eating his food or I'm going to fucking come after you Chris

This really cute golden lab puppy someone tied to a post outside of a cafe

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Did the America Landings really happen? Did Christopher Columbus really sail all the way across the Atlantic ocean using nothing but boats and things in boats? Or is this just another bizarre conspiracy, much like the Kennedy assassination, Liechtenstein, and cheese? Let’s look at some of the inconvenient facts history books don’t want you to know about.

1. Every person who claims to have seen these events first-hand is either dead or…

Why, today is Thanksgiving! You may consult here for more information.

Today I give you a real-life Femslash Friday: The Toast's very own Alexis Coe's Alice + Freda Forever

Hello! This has been a rather serious week (between this and this and a whole host of other stories) and I thought it might not be a bad idea to plug resources and services for people who have experienced sexual assault, rape, and domestic violence.

Toasties. Spicy hurts so bad but so good.