Previously in this series: If Carrie Brownstein Were Your Girlfriend. If Cobie Smulders were your ostensibly platonic gym buddy for whom you have conflicted feelings, she would always have one stubborn lock of hair that escaped her ponytail. "Let me get that for you," you would say, and then you would use your calloused hands to slip it back under the elastic, with a curiously delicate touch. "Thanks, man," Cobie would say. "One of…
If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d make up little songs about whatever she was doing around the house, like “The Scrambled Eggs Blues” or “Gotta Get A New Vacuum.” Sometimes she’d even make up a dance to go with the song, throwing in one of those awesome power kicks. She’d toss the songs off like they were nothing, but they’d be super catchy and you’d find yourself humming them days later while making a…
Previously in this series: If Sarah Polley Were Your Girlfriend If the velociraptor from Jurassic Park were your girlfriend, you would have the weirdest meet-cute. You’re a handler on Muldoon’s staff. Handlers are classified as Essential Personnel so when the evacuation call comes, you stay. Your team splits up to put out fires around the island, but you’re the only one who returns to the visitors’ center. You see two raptors swarming with a…
Previously in this series: If Natalie Dormer Were Your Girlfriend
1. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t be annoyed if you showed up to the Toronto International Film Festival with cat hair on your carefully pressed shirt. She’d lean into you during screenings and you’d smell her hair and sigh.
2. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she'd hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your
Previously in this series: If Idris Elba Were Your Boyfriend. If Natalie Dormer were your girlfriend, you’d meet-cute at an academic lecture (open to the public), when she approached you afterwards to compliment you on the question you raised in the post-lecture Q&A. At first you’d be surprised to see her there, but upon further reflection, you wouldn’t be surprised at all. ‘I completely agree that we need to emphasise feminist and postcolonial perspectives…
Previously in this series: If Michelle Obama Were Your Girlfriend. If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, your guilty pleasure Mumford and Sons air-banjo jam sessions would no longer be furtive or suspect. If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he would accompany you to the comic book store every Wednesday to pick up your new issues. Your Comic Book Guy would know you both by name, but you’d be…
Jasmine Guillory's work for The Toast can be found here. Previously in this series: If John Cho Were Your Boyfriend. If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, she would make you get up and go to the gym with her at 5:30 in the morning every day, but she would stand next to you and lovingly cheer you on the whole time, cheering loudest when you finally managed to do one whole push-up. If Michelle Obama were your girlfriend, you would…
Previously in this series: If Hayley Atwell Were Your Girlfriend. If John Cho were your boyfriend, he would be thoughtful enough to warn you several hours before he cut that amazing hair of his, so you could maybe call in sick to work and make those hours count. If John Cho were your boyfriend, the cat you rescued back in college would desert you to sleep on his…
Also by Victoria Baritz and Sulagna Misra: If Chris Evans Were Your Boyfriend. If Hayley Atwell were your girlfriend, you would emerge from each make-out session like you'd been through a bloody war on account of all the lipstick. A sexy bloody war. If Hayley Atwell were your girlfriend, you'd never get caught in another "listening to a man" nodding trap again. "Excuse me, she has someone more important to…
Previously in this series: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend & If Kristen Stewart Were Your Girlfriend. If Chris Evans were your boyfriend, you might become the kind of person who likes going to the gym. You'd take a stroll on the treadmill, enjoy a smoothie, and maybe take a nap in the sauna. Then you and Chris Evans would go out for brunch. You'd ask for extra whipped cream on your pancakes.
Previously in this series: If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend. If Stanley Tucci were your boyfriend, he would never bother you about the fact that you own two clearly well-worn copies of both The Devil Wears Prada and Julie and Julia. If he knew you were going to have a particularly hard day at work, he'd call out "Gird your loins" after you as you left the apartment, because he would know how much that would mean to…
Yesterday: If Channing Tatum Were Your Boyfriend. 1. If Kristen Stewart were your girlfriend, you would never run out of slouchy blazers and carefully tailored men's shirts to borrow. "Just take one," she'd say, with a sigh of mock exasperation. "You're always wearing my stuff anyway." 2. She'd have her own strange way of ordering things in coffee shops as a result of having grown up with having things brought to her by assistants.
