Humor

  1. These new ads for bleach are raw as hell and I'm honestly not ready to live and die in this world. I'm not strong enough. I'm soft and afraid and my bloodline is weak; I know this. Rome has lost its breed of noble bloods, and I'm the most lost out of anybody. Have you seen this? Are you prepared to meet God?

    188 comments
  2. No really, I mean it. Why don't we?

    Honest, no kidding – I think we could do it
    Well, what have they got that we haven't? Exactly!
    Well gee whiz, it can't be that hard

    96 comments
  3. Which Grand Duchess are you? Take this quiz and find out.

    86 comments
  4. I don't want to talk about other ads you think are just as bad or worse. I want to talk about how much I hate this one. Last night Gene Demby made me realize I am not alone in this.

    You've seen it, right? They won't stop playing it on Hulu, so I've seen it at this point roughly 30 times.

    283 comments
  5. A good friend brings you chocolate and Midol when you’re on your period. A best friend replaces all of your glassware with Diva cups and puts a virus on your computer that makes it autoplay videos of soldiers returning home and reuniting with their dogs.

    105 comments
  6. I can get a little giddy reflecting on all the times I have taken the opportunity
    To explain things with history.
    But today I must soberly discuss how unfortunate
    It is that Trump’s popularity brings to the fore just how many men present
    Their misogyny in a way reflects how grossly uneducated
    They are.

    46 comments
  7. In his sleep he smiled and kissed his fingertips. He whispered, “If it looks good, eat it.”

    28 comments
  8. You go to a party where you don't know anyone. You:
    a) Go home. There's no point meeting people you probably won’t like.
    b) Remind partygoers that after an examination, their pupils remain dilated, and they should avoid looking at bright lights in order to prevent damage.
    c) Go over to the DJ booth and play some music you like.

    45 comments
  9. My balcony is only wide enough for two to dine so it is very exclusive. Not even the cat can get out here.

    69 comments
  10. FYI! YOUR KID SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO LIFE INSURANCE

    142 comments
  11. Name: Mary Lennox, once-bratty orphan who has rather improved in her demeanor
    Location: Yorkshire, England, where the wind is always wutherin’
    Size: Unknown, as owner Mr. Archibald Craven spends most of his time wandering the earth in a vain attempt to escape his sorrows

    23 comments
  12. If Justin Bieber were my son, I would have a Cobb salad for lunch every day, and a big goblet of iced tea beside it. If the tea were sweetened or flavored in any way, I would send it back. I would never drink tap water.

    If Justin Bieber were my son, I would say, "Well, then, maybe I need to speak to your manager" at least once a day.

    152 comments
  13. All of me
    How dare you try to take all of me
    Can't you see
    I exist wholly, with unbreached self-esteem, without you

    My lips are mine
    How can I lose myself in you? I am still myself
    My arms are my arms
    Romantic love is a conscious expression of philosophy

    43 comments
  14. How did we do? Did the product meet and/or exceed your expectations? Did it arrive with speed and alacrity that put you in mind of the wing-footed Mercury? Did our customer service personnel manage to evoke your first-grade teacher, Mrs. Pugel, the one with the golden hair, who looked deep into your eyes when you spoke and truly cared?

    69 comments