How did we do? Did the product meet and/or exceed your expectations? Did it arrive with speed and alacrity that put you in mind of the wing-footed Mercury? Did our customer service personnel manage to evoke your first-grade teacher, Mrs. Pugel, the one with the golden hair, who looked deep into your eyes when you spoke and truly cared?

Yes, we tried feeding her. The crying didn’t stop and we also forgot to make a sign that said “we already tried feeding her.” Thanks, though.

He was wearing a sunhat, but we lost it on the motorcycle ride over here.

I’ll cut his hair when I know he’s ready: after he’s bagged his first werewolf, like his grandfathers before him.

We live in a highly sophisticated world of gender signaling, mutable lines which nevertheless must not be crossed. For men, this can be a particularly fraught territory. Until all products have been sufficiently vetted and labeled, here is a helpful primer to some under-researched girly vectors best eschewed by males.

As a dentist, I vow:

to always keep my patient’s comfort a priority. I will do this by slowly laying out each tool in their peripheral vision and in total silence.

Next time you feel like you've been banging your head against the wall and it's time to give up your dreams and passion projects, do what I do: read a list of famous "late bloomers" to convince yourself that you still have time.

SECURITY WALLETS!

Fact: All lists and things being listed can be subdivided as for Jocks, or for Nerds. The MLA's Top 100 Novels list is no exception.

My thoughts: Man, Dionne is dense, Tai is obviously asking for pot. But I also don’t get why Tai is so excited about soda.

Which weekend retreatant helped herself to a full plate of green beans at Saturday lunch, took one bite, realized they were still crisp-fresh, then threw the rest off the side of the deck of the Hesychia hermitage out of embarrassment, even though the retreat kitchen has a perfectly good compost bin?

I’ve embraced the beauty that comes with living fully. Living the whole way. You know, being alive all the time, 24/7, no breaks.

Damage to right, rear corner of basement walls highly suggestive of the presence of a Basement Wyrm. While Wyrm’s temperament is unknown, age of home and condition of basement walls suggest that ritual appeasement should be done in another 2-3 years.

An orgasm is like getting your head cut off, but the chainsaw is covered in Molly.

As the French call it, “the little lunch.”

ZEUS: look, I have produced a daughter from mine own head
this is Athena
HERA: like fuck you did
ZEUS: What? No, she truly just app –
HERA: two can play this head-baby game, pal
ZEUS: I didn't do this to offend you, it just –
HERA: too late, I'm crowning

Image via Flickr

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. And now, for the first time, the cover of DAD MAGAZINE: THE BOOK, published by Quirk Books! It will be available for purchase on April 26, but is available for preorder RIGHT NOW at Amazon, IndieBound, and wherever fine books are sold:

…

Is this the name of a prizewinning showcat, or a striking but forgotten example of eighteenth-century masculine nomenclature?