Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Here at the Final Girl Groves Retirement Home, we provide top-quality live-in care, recreational activities, and social opportunities for Final Girls in their senior years. If you’re a smart, resourceful, pretty-but-not-too-slutty woman who has survived brutal serial killers, zombie attacks, vengeful spirits, and the return of secrets from your own dark past, we believe you deserve to spend your golden years in peace…
Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you'd take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you'd be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you'd look into the hamper and yell, "Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!" and Chris Pine would chuckle from…
You may have noticed that I am completely and utterly obsessed with Lin-Manuel Miranda's basically perfect musical, Hamilton, the cast album for which you can either buy or stream in full here (I recommend buying it, obviously, but you can also get it for free if you have Amazon Prime.) I have been listening to said album NON-STOP (that is also the name of a song), and one of the greatest pleasures of this has…
Butterfly Pavilion I stand before the cocoons, waiting for a twitch in the shells, a crack revealing a colorful wing. There are none. The cocoons are pinned to cork boards, each dangling from its tip, ordered by species and country of origin. Some look like snails. Some look like tiny black bugs. Some are the green of the first leaves of spring. Nothing today. I turn to the butterflies around me, broken out of their…
If you’d like to help Tall Man and other blood cancer patients, please donate your bone marrow in the country you live in, and if you have money, they’d love you to give it to Anthony Nolan in the UK or to Be the Match in the US.
Previously in this series: If Julian of Norwich Were Your Professor
If Stephen Colbert were your dad, you would have a lot of strange memories from your childhood. For instance, you’d remember taking fishing trips when you didn’t pack any fishing rods or tackle. Instead, you stood side by side at the water’s edge, as Stephen Colbert proclaimed to the fish that becoming someone’s dinner was just their job, and what were they,
So you got a super-short haircut! Good for you. You look awesome like that, and your eyes totally pop. But maybe you’ve decided it’s not quite the right look for you after all. Maybe you’re finding yourself inconvenienced by all the queer women, enamored with your bold and patriarchy-defying look, who follow you everywhere. (“Really, ladies, I’m just trying to order a latte,” you plead, but TO NO AVAIL.) Or maybe you’ve just had your hair…
Laura Passin's previous work for The Toast, which is lovely and always makes Nicole cry when she edits it, can be found here. I don’t exactly remember when I first encountered the writing of the great neurologist Oliver Sacks--I think I was in my teens, and somehow I heard about The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat, which remains the most charmingly titled science book not…
If Alexander Siddig were your boyfriend, you'd know how to play cricket. You'd own matching sweaters, which you'd wear when his and your families got together for a game. If Alexander Siddig were your boyfriend, you'd make breakfast together in a well-coordinated dance: he'd set out the eggs and butter up the pan while you put in the toast and set out the plates. Then you'd switch places -- you would grab a pan to…
I’m sitting alone in Girvan, Scotland, on one of the longest days of the year, looking at the late sun and thinking about the women who all of a sudden caught fire. There were a good number of them. Enough, in the 1700s, to constitute a chapter in the medical literature. The most-quoted British case is Grace Pitt, a 60ish female whose charred corpse was discovered one morning in 1744—like “a log of…
Whether you breastfeed exclusively, prefer to use formula, or have adopted a mix of both methods, we can all agree that nursing is a beautiful, natural moment between a mother and child. It's a shame we still live in a society that shames and sometimes even criminalizes parents for trying to feed their babies in public. Check out these pictures of parents of all kinds that remind us whether we breastfeed or not, it's a…
Previously in this series. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d have perfect facial hair that makes him look perpetually, endearingly scruffy, but would never be prickly when you make out. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d wear his t-shirts to peak softness, then immediately hand them off to you to wear for lounging or to bed. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, that cliché about him loving you best with no makeup…
Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let
If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would be turned on by the fact that you win whenever you arm-wrestle. He’d look for excuses to arm-wrestle. If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would wake up really early on purpose, just so you would have more time to laze around in bed together, reading. Sometimes he’d nudge you awake before dawn so the two of you could watch the sunrise on the roof with a blanket…
