The poet Joel Brouwer says that marriage is not a story: I believe him. We were almost married, and that is not a story either. In our flat I keep finding scraps of paper with my notes, things I am amazed I ever knew: that, for instance, Scottish registrars will let you cherish and obey, but an English civil service must be entirely areligious; that elope to Scotland?! was once a feasible idea; that you can purchase a…
If Julian of Norwich were your professor, you would ask her what would be on the final, and she would reply, “All manner of things shall be on the exam.” If Julian of Norwich were your professor, you could drop by with a question anytime, and she would be in her office. There would be rumours that she actually lived in her office. Even on the rare occasions that her door was closed, you would…
1. "You seem like the sort of man who would prefer Arlo Guthrie's 'City of New Orleans' to Steve Goodman's." 2. "Oh, you think you're a Fool Saint like the insane minister's wife who enacted miracles in the life of Robertson Davies' Dunstan Ramsay? You're just a fool, son." 3. "I look forward to reading your book, should it ever be a $1.99 add-on when you purchase a 24 pack of recycled paper towels from…
Previously in this series: If Lupito Nyong'o Were Your Girlfriend If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would wake up one day to find that your bedroom was now decorated in a way that you had only ever dreamed of in your most secret heart. The duvet would be soft, the paint color soothing, and your favorite childhood stuffed animal would sit on the nightstand. You would walk into the kitchen, where Blake Lively…
Jasmine's previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone
You’d never have to call to see where he was, because his manifestation on our earthly plane was confined to your studio apartment. The one where he died.
Firstly, your eyebrows aren’t long enough. Buy some Rogaine and keep applying until your eyebrows are long and luxurious, falling down to your cheekbones and thick like a horse’s tail. Then, fishtail braid across your face for a bohemian look.
Previously in this series: If Tom Hardy Were Your Boyfriend If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he'd be outdoorsy, but not in a show-offy way. He'd take you for long walks in the woods behind his parents' house, and if you forgot to bring a granola bar to snack on, he'd just pick you an apple. He'd thank the apple tree, and you'd be impressed by how much he respects…
Sarah Miller's previous work for The Toast, including other sestinas by David Brooks, can be found here. Before I talk about you, Ta-Nehisi Coates, I want to say how interesting it is to be white, and what a kick I get out of receiving actual cash money to reflect upon the lives of people. And, although I enjoy my written meditations on all Americans, there’s something extra special about the African-American experience. Your whole…
If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would send you a selfie every day. Each one would have a dog somewhere in the background. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would gift you a rope bracelet early on in the relationship. When you ask what it is, he would respond intensely, "This could save your life." If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would live in a lovely but sparsely decorated London flat. He…
Previously in this series: If Will Graham Were Your Boyfriend If Ms. Pac-Man were your girlfriend, her kisses would taste like Sprite. Each kiss would remind you of summer nights in the 1980s, which is weird because you don't really remember those, you were too young. But every time your lips touch hers, you would distinctly recall driving past your high school while Journey played on the radio, the wind blowing through your hair, and why…
Before Will Graham became your boyfriend, he would just be another guy in the “Learning to Let the Ex Go” group therapy session you signed up for. The therapist would strongly recommend that you not start seeing each other, but Will would say he’s had enough of other people saying what’s good for him.
On your first date, you’d notice him visibly relax when you choose a seafood restaurant and do all the
Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend
If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you'd always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.
If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you'd ask her, giggly and a little
Samantha Powell's previous work for The Toast can be found here. In my childhood and early adolescence, Boston was filled with movie theaters. Over time many of them shuttered as the city transformed from a place that felt like home to one that I had trouble recognizing. Most of those old theaters were hidden away. One neighbored a Chili’s in a corner of my local mall. Another sat tucked next to one of the…
Previously in this series: If Harrison Ford Were Your Boyfriend. We recently featured The Fug Girls on writing as a duo.
If Prince Harry were your boyfriend, he would, in secret, change his listing in your phone all the time. You’d have added him in simply as “H,” but one day you’d get a text from someone called “Henry IX.” And then a whole chain of them: “H. Balls,” “Jack the
