Anna Pulley's previous haiku for The Toast can be found here.

Tegan and Sara’s

jawlines once saved a kitten

from a burning house.

*

Tegan and Sara’s

jawlines proved Pythagoras’

theorem factual.

*

Their faces inspired

the movie Jaws five years

before they were born.

*

A rock brushed against

Tegan’s jawline and was turned

…

Anna Pulley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here. 

Fifty Shades of Spay

Our heroine finds

herself enslaved by the CUTEST

tripod tabby.

*

Fifty Shades of Stay

Surprise! That “contract”

you signed was for a time-share

in Provincetown!

*

Fifty Shades of Gay

A bisexual

is born and no one questions

her identity.

*

…

Girl has sexual

awakening with teacher/

roommate/friend. Dies.

*

Girl has horrible,

traumatic past, present, and

future. Then she dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening with drug addict.

Drug addict dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening. Kills her

mother/lover for “funsies.”

*

…

Petite Red Head and Caliente Latina Roommates Surprise the Pizza Delivery Man

With a lecture on

how his employer should

compost pizza boxes.

*

Two Blondes Engage in Some Much-Sought-After Pussy Play

Susan and Chris knew

…

Where are all the real people?????

Open-minded,

non-judgmental girls only please!!!

No bisexuals.

*

Why is a good friend so hard to find??

We must free the

libido from orgasmic

tyranny! Namaste!

*

…

Picture foreplay that
lasts longer than a few minutes.
Now, add crying.