Animals

  1. It's people who are against vaccinating dogs, I should specify, not dogs who are against vaccinations.

    Dog anti-vaxxers, I have learned, hate two things: vaccinations, and taxes.

    "If someone goes up to the kennels and I am not with them, the dogs will bark. I will try and get some videos of the dogs on alert, when I get through with my taxes."

    220 comments
  2. Remember, "this category only covers animal disguises worn as part of a traditional folk custom or seasonal observance.

    It does not include catsuits, fursuits or animal costumes worn for promotional, advertising or play purposes, or as mascots at baseball, football or other sporting events, or as part of a theatrical performance."

    58 comments
  3. This post is sponsored by Adam Kranz, a longtime reader of The Toast who is thrilled to support the site.

    The Alameda County Fair, you guys. It's around for another week. I strongly advise that you do not miss it.

    43 comments
  4. "Oh, but Mallory, aren't you being sort of deliberately obtuse, calling out a bunch of thirteenth-century illuminating monk dudes for drawing goofy-looking deer, knowing as we do that medieval art was only semi-representational and more concerned with iconography than naturalism?" No. I am not. "Okay, but are you willing to concede that maybe there are more kinds of deer than the, like, one American kind you have only ever seen?" I am unwilling. Let us proceed in…

    100 comments
  5. Previously: haters of the sea. The desert is a barren wasteland devoid of all life but haters and trolls. Nothing can grow there; the ground itself is a griefer. "Oh, sorry, were you trying to grow roots," the desert says to pretty much every plant. "How about just kill yourself." This is why humans invented things like oases; we like to remind haters that no matter how sandy and gritty they get, you can't…

    33 comments
  6. Dangnation, what a page-turner this saga was, am I in the neighborhood of rightness or what? The wee cat, insinuating himself around the borders of my property, mewing scantily and clutching with his teethlings at whatever scraps I would render unto him! What was to become of him? Too small and scraggly to fend for himself, having been abandoned by kith and kin alike, I knew I had to snatchle him up. So I…

    137 comments
  7. Look, we can't just...not talk about it. That's the coward's way out. If you hadn't seen a turtle's penis, which you might well not have, I bet you would think it was sort of average looking, and scalish, and nondescript. And, you know, God in heaven, I wish you'd be right. But you aren't. And you have to know this. And you have to see this, and we have to talk about it. Because I had…

    103 comments
  8. Oh, my team, there is a reason and that right good for why I cancelled all my appointments yesterday and peered out of my windows like Mrs. straight up Danvers. A wee and eensy cat, so little its precise position is governed by the quantum uncertainty principle, wandered onto my back deck the morning last and started chirruping at me like some sort of chirruping machine. Friends! What am I to do? He is so…

    144 comments
  9. THE GRUMPY IS IN 

    Grumpy Cat takes over Dr. Drew’s practice at the Pasadena Recovery Center, treating a group of troubled stars who are looking for hope, redemption, and just a little bit of quality snuggle-time. Grumpy’s severe demeanor certainly inspires his patients’ confidence, but will his unquenchable affection for cruel memes adversely influence his therapeutic efficacy? According to a lawsuit filed by an incensed Shia LaBeouf after this…

    11 comments
  10. What's messed up of butterflies is everything. Never let anyone try to tell at you that a butterfly is beautiful, because butterflies are just full-on lies a moth tries to tell you. Let me explain. A of all, a moth is hands-up-and-back-down again the worst actual bug there is. Worse than spiders, which are bugs and don't let anyone tell you different, worse than worms that swim inside your leg from the Amazon and then hatch…

    175 comments
  11. For your more detailed perusal. 1. "The story takes place in a kingdom of lions in Africa, and was influenced by the biblical tales of Joseph and Moses and the Shakespearean play Hamlet." 2. "...despite the protests of Mufasa's hornbill majordomo Zazu." 3. "Jim Cummings as Ed, a dim-witted hyena who does not talk, only communicating through laughter. Cummings also voiced a gopher that talks with Zazu and replaced Irons as Scar in certain lines…

    50 comments
  12. One day as the Little Red Hen was scratching in a field, she found a grain of wheat. "This wheat should be planted," she said. "Who are you talking to," said the Duck. "Who on earth do you think is talking to you?" And the Hen had learned not to hear insults unless they were absolutely unavoidable, so the Hen did not hear the Duck say anything. "Who will help me plant this grain of…

    61 comments
  13. Previously: The Boxcar Children.

    ALIEN: i'm dying

    JAKE: oh no
    i'm twelve

    ALIEN: here is power in a box to become animals

    JAKE: we'll do that

    ALIEN: but only be animals for a little while
    and use it to fight aliens

    TOBIAS: im sad all the time

    185 comments
  14. Previously in this series: Two Monks invent dinner parties. MONK #1: do birds have meetings MONK #2: absolutely they have a Meeting Hat and everything MONK #1: what do they have meetings about MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or-- MONK #2: no that's dogs you're thinking of MONK #1: right right…

    113 comments