1. Previously in this series: If Tom Hardy Were Your Boyfriend If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he'd be outdoorsy, but not in a show-offy way. He'd take you for long walks in the woods behind his parents' house, and if you forgot to bring a granola bar to snack on, he'd just pick you an apple. He'd thank the apple tree, and you'd be impressed by how much he respects…

  2. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would send you a selfie every day. Each one would have a dog somewhere in the background. If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, he would gift you a rope bracelet early on in the relationship. When you ask what it is, he would respond intensely, "This could save your life." If Tom Hardy were your boyfriend, you would live in a lovely but sparsely decorated London flat. He…

  3. Rohin Guha's previous work for The Toast can be found here. BRB, setting up my biodata Tick tock tick tock. There is no technicolor line of cousins and relatives lined up and dancing at my wedding to bombastic bhangra. We are Bengalis; our weddings are somber affairs. That’s not why, though. The cousins and relatives who exist in my periphery–and seemingly only when there is a wedding or a funeral that brings us together–don’t…

  4. The good Indian friend is always up for “curry”. 
She will take you to a faraway Indian restaurant in East London for “curry”, even though she wanted dosas. She is a veritable mine of recommendations for the best Indian restaurants in Brick Lane, or Chapel Market, or indeed, wherever one happens to be. The good Indian friend ignores, on such occasions, her own cravings for grocery-store hummus. The good Indian friend knows all about the…

  5. Previously in this series: If Will Graham Were Your Boyfriend If Ms. Pac-Man were your girlfriend, her kisses would taste like Sprite. Each kiss would remind you of summer nights in the 1980s, which is weird because you don't really remember those, you were too young. But every time your lips touch hers, you would distinctly recall driving past your high school while Journey played on the radio, the wind blowing through your hair, and why…

  6. I am not a big fan of psychic charlatanry, which often preys on people who are in genuine grief. So when I read about psychic fraud Priscilla Kelly Delmaro, arrested in May for second-degree grand larceny, I should have felt smug about her downfall. Delmaro had induced a male client to give her over $700,000 worth of payment and gifts, including a diamond ring and a Rolex – all in exchange for her

  7. The words always stood out ominously: “Tell me about yourself.” Any time I met potential new friends or went on a date or had a job interview, that’s when I’d get into trouble. Sooner or later, there would be the big open-ended question. Sooner or later I’d have to talk about myself. I would try and start off by listing and explaining my interests, and then after a while I might say, “Well, I’m a…

  8. Before Will Graham became your boyfriend, he would just be another guy in the “Learning to Let the Ex Go” group therapy session you signed up for. The therapist would strongly recommend that you not start seeing each other, but Will would say he’s had enough of other people saying what’s good for him.

    On your first date, you’d notice him visibly relax when you choose a seafood restaurant and do all the

  9. GPS locator. After two months of dating—we'll call him Aiden—we decided to take a weekend road trip. Still in his work clothes, a lilac button-down shirt and black slacks, Aiden picked me up in his Volkswagen Golf on a Friday night. He pulled out a map and folded it down to the size of an index card, showing only the Northeast U.S. He slipped a pen in my hand. "Close your eyes and circle.” After…

  10. Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you'd always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.

    If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you'd ask her, giggly and a little

  11. Molly Minturn's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    When I showed up for my interview at the magazine, I was perfectly on time. The chapel clock chimed as I put my hand on the doorknob. Before I could turn it, the door opened and I saw Kevin, the managing editor, for the first time. The way I’ve framed it sounds like something out of a romantic comedy, but

  12. Hello? My name is Naomi Brattner.  I'm using the last of my walkie-talkie’s battery life to reach out to my best friend in the whole world, Jenn. Hey, lady, if you’re out there and can hear this, I just want to know, are you avoiding me? Or are you so busy dealing with the nuclear disaster that scorched our planet and extinguished most of humankind that you can’t return my broadcasts? You have a lot going on.

  13. Previously in this series: If Harrison Ford Were Your Boyfriend. We recently featured The Fug Girls on writing as a duo.

    If Prince Harry were your boyfriend, he would, in secret, change his listing in your phone all the time. You’d have added him in simply as “H,” but one day you’d get a text from someone called “Henry IX.” And then a whole chain of them: “H. Balls,” “Jack the

  14. Previously in this series: If Gillian Anderson Were Your Girlfriend.

    If Harrison Ford were your boyfriend, he would let you and only you quote lines from his movies* in casual conversation. You would both get an especially big kick out of using the tunnel exchange from The Fugitive. He would say “I didn’t accidentally bleach the color clothes,” and you would yell “I DON’T CARE!” just like Tommy Lee Jones did,

  15. Hey mom.

    I’m glad you’re not here.

    It was always hard for me to watch things like this with you. You overreacted to everything on the news. I hated that about you. Every storm, every wildfire, every random shooting, every nighttime strangler, you acted as if seeing them on the news would somehow magically make them show up at our apartment door. You issued nonsensical warnings like “Be careful out there. They’re