If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d make up little songs about whatever she was doing around the house, like “The Scrambled Eggs Blues” or “Gotta Get A New Vacuum.” Sometimes she’d even make up a dance to go with the song, throwing in one of those awesome power kicks. She’d toss the songs off like they were nothing, but they’d be super catchy and you’d find yourself humming them days later while making a…

Mo Moulton's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

"Peter, what did you mean when you said that anybody could have harmony if they would leave us the counterpoint?’" 

"Why,’" he said, shaking his head, ‘that I like my music polyphonic. If you think I meant anything else, you know what I meant.’"

This conversation between Lord

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Previously in this series: If Sarah Polley Were Your Girlfriend If the velociraptor from Jurassic Park were your girlfriend, you would have the weirdest meet-cute. You’re a handler on Muldoon’s staff. Handlers are classified as Essential Personnel so when the evacuation call comes, you stay. Your team splits up to put out fires around the island, but you’re the only one who returns to the visitors’ center. You see two raptors swarming with a…

Previously in this series: If Natalie Dormer Were Your Girlfriend

1. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she wouldn’t be annoyed if you showed up to the Toronto International Film Festival with cat hair on your carefully pressed shirt. She’d lean into you during screenings and you’d smell her hair and sigh.

2. If Sarah Polley were your girlfriend, she'd hold your hand at anti-austerity protests and share your

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My boyfriend Danny and I were dancing at a bar in downtown Boston on a recent Saturday night — my hands on his waist, his draped over my shoulders — when I noticed a woman, a 20-something brunette, approaching us. Judging by the giddy look on her face, I knew what was coming. “I just wanted to say that you guys are so cute,” she shouted over the loud music, out of breath after pushing…

I am on maternity leave. I'm not really here.

1. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would NEVER try to tell you about Slavoj Žižek.

2. If Channing Tatum were your boyfriend, he would think you were so smart. "Babe, you are so smart," he would say, while welding at you.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not Tim, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not Tim, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have…

"Someone I was dating/sleeping with chose someone else over me -- someone they evidently had very recently met. How do I not feel inadequate? Knowing that someone else was deemed better than me, how do I not feel not good enough?"

Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

1. July 29, 2012

In the months leading up to my wedding to Charlie, more than a few people have asked us, “Wait, is that even legal in Colorado?” Well, no, it won’t be legally recognized in any meaningful sense (we’re already registered with the state as designated beneficiaries, which is the only form of governmental acknowledgment available to

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I’m in an open relationship. I’m certainly not the only person in a non-monogamous relationship these days and my open status doesn’t score me nearly as many cool points as it once did nor is it as controversial as it once was. Everything I read about non-monogamy is like “Yay! So much sex! Whooopeeee! Nothing is hard!” Meanwhile, poor little monogamy is written about like “Snooooooooze fest, I’m bored. Divorce says it’s not…

This was supposed to be so simple. Get in, develop complicated feelings for the girl, establish a relationship after a dizzying number of back-and-forths designed to produce the maximum amount of sexual and dynamic tension, then never get out. I was only supposed to fall in love. Wanting to protect her -- that was never part of the deal. I was just supposed to discover I had feelings for her. I never expected that I'd find…

Cara Ellison’s “Sacrilege” is a small game, in that one playthrough takes about five minutes, even while playing it furtively on a work computer when anyone could walk by and see what you’re doing or hear the music playing at such a low volume that you almost don’t realize it’s playing at all. It’s a small game, but it is also expansive. It’s more than the sum of its parts. It says

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“You’ve been away too long.” My mother’s voice is a honey-thick purr and I am sitting cross-legged on my unmade twin-sized bed, the sheets in dire need of an industrial washing (beating). The pillows are suffused with cigarette smoke, a cheap brand that makes my lungs throb like a sputtering heart on a cold operating tray, unfiltered tobacco and nicotine that make my hands shake. I don’t even know why I took up smoking again.

His muse is his at last! Twenty years after Quentin Tarantino directed Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, Us Weekly can confirm that the two have taken their relationship to the next level. Sources tell Us that the pair recently spent time together at the 2014 Cannes Film Festival in the South of France, where they even shared a villa. "They had a thing and got together again recently," one insider tells Us. "He's loved…

Endless loaves of bread. After too many mornings of waking up at his house and finding there was absolutely nothing to eat, I started bringing my own food over. The coffee and peanut butter stayed in the cupboard where I'd left them, but the bread would disappear immediately. At one point I was buying a loaf a week for my own house, and up to three loaves for his. Then he started complaining all that…