The Toast Looks Back: The Best of Western Art History -The Toast

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alliana07 128p · 458 weeks ago

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

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tppnceberesford 104p · 458 weeks ago

a gif has never encapsulated exactly how I feel so accurately

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OoTheHumanities 121p · 458 weeks ago

o-god-o-god-o-god it is really happening

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TheasyPeasy 129p · 458 weeks ago

Oh man, the "We're Fine Here" Nobody Is About to be Murdered one is by far my favorite.

Between "none of my boyfriends are riverbank corpses if that’s what you’re worried about" and "you’ll be able to keep all of your skin" I'm not sure which to pick as my favorite way of seducing somebody to definitely not murder.

5 replies · active 458 weeks ago

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apple_pi 110p · 458 weeks ago

That one is THE BEST if read in the voice of Louise Belcher. I'm sure someone has already come up with that BUT IT'S THE TRUTH so I have to say it.

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PolarBearGirl92 123p · 458 weeks ago

That "hey" picture of the Goya witches because OF COURSE they are Goya witches and we all know Goya witches are the too-witch-iest of all.

So, I guess, ain't no witch like a Goya witch?

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femaelstrom 122p · 458 weeks ago

"none of my boyfriends are riverbank corpses if that’s what you’re worried about" is my Twitter bio and I'm never changing it.

TheasyPeasy 129p · 458 weeks ago

I deleted my Tinder a few weeks ago where I had the legendary quote from John Waters, "We need to make reading sexy again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have any books, don't fuck them."
And now I'm tempted to restart my Tinder purely to put that in as my description. I'm sure that will bring all the boys to my riverside. And they'll be like, you killed him more gruesomely than me.

Unreadaethel 127p · 458 weeks ago

I would like to note for legal purposes, that nothing in the above line precludes them being "sheltered grotto" corpses.

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littlehuntingcreek 135p · 458 weeks ago

This is 600 years of women being bored to death by men

apple_pi 110p · 458 weeks ago

Reading these, only these, forever.

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Allen K. · 458 weeks ago

Can this become a book? I imagine I'm asking a "fair use" question here.

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

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allanaaa 94p · 458 weeks ago

I've been waiting for the announcement for a while. Also I will write an academic article about the "Ortberg Method" of public-domain reuse for lolz/social critique.

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Linabobeena 108p · 458 weeks ago

I would read it to death.

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angrypedestrian 135p · 458 weeks ago

No, this means there is going to be a retrospective of Two Monks Invent soon and I'm not ready. I'M NOT READY.

6 replies · active 458 weeks ago

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dakimel 122p · 458 weeks ago

you shut your heathen mouth that is unacceptable

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dakimel 122p · 458 weeks ago

plus meanwhile I am "resigned" to never finding out more about the Hey Ladies! adventures, but it suuuuuucks.

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angrypedestrian 135p · 458 weeks ago

This is where I must say to you, hush, we do not speak of this. We are getting seven more installments before July 1st and everything is going to be fine. This is the world I choose to live in.

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Hillabee · 458 weeks ago

I know, I keep wondering about the hey ladies! I hope that this is the content that will still get updated? Please?

MissBadcrumble 105p · 458 weeks ago

Kickstarter-thing for more Hey Ladies! over at CleverManka's upcoming site......?

Linabobeena 108p · 458 weeks ago

I will never be ready. Also animals/foods that are unacceptable. Nooooooo.

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Princess Sparkle · 458 weeks ago

My favorite is still Unhappy Girls with Birds: http://the-toast.net/2016/02/04/unhappy-little-gi...

I can't tell you how many times I've used "keep moving fuckos" in everyday conversation.

2 replies · active 458 weeks ago

PolarBearGirl92 123p · 458 weeks ago

"keep moving fuckos" has been enshrined in my heart, and if it does not always make an appearance in my everyday conversation, then I can guarantee I am thinking it at a very high volume.

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Mrs_Peel 117p · 458 weeks ago

There are so many Toast quotes that would be perfect for embroidered throw pillows, and this one is probably top of the list.

Someone (with more artistic talent than me) should start a side business...

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katmarie13 98p · 458 weeks ago

I have great fondness for the guaranteed giggle-fest of "Miserable Tambourine Players in Western Art History":

I play the drums as my mother taught me
slowly
and with great contempt

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Jenna · 458 weeks ago

Mallory, I need you to do art gallery tours in this style all over the world. I would drain my bank account to follow you.

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

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georgiewilliamsblog 71p · 458 weeks ago

I'm in for this, and I will bring my daughters. For realzies.

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Linabobeena 108p · 458 weeks ago

This is exactly the content we will never find anywhere else on the internet. Mallory, where are you gooooooinnng?

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trwexler · 458 weeks ago

I am too witches to drawn

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OoTheHumanities 121p · 458 weeks ago

I truly have a serious question, which I hope will be answered prior to or on July 1.

Mallory, exactly HOW MANY times have you been proposed marriage via Toast comment? I ran across one just now, I've asked before, and I MUST KNOW, it is a very important fact and not personal at all, so.

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

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Unreadaethel 127p · 458 weeks ago

For every proposal she's received, there are at least five timid commenters lurking, unwilling to embarrass themselves.

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shellygrrl 98p · 458 weeks ago

It was one of these that led me to The Toast. I forget which one, but yeah.

1 reply · active 458 weeks ago

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Dangerfield5 140p · 458 weeks ago

Me too! It was the Women Rejecting Marriage Proposals one. I laughed until I cried.

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nbdgy 133p · 458 weeks ago

shh nobody move
don’t wake him up
he’s conquistasnoring

you GUYS

Hannah · 458 weeks ago

This is the "too witches" one also http://the-toast.net/2016/03/28/oh-no-my-thing-is...

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Jessargh 101p · 458 weeks ago

This is all too witches for me to handle

mydonkeyfeet 103p · 458 weeks ago

"Women Trying To Politely End Conversations in Western Art History" link is broken.

Also, DON'T GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, art history toast. Nobody art histories like you do.

mydonkeyfeet 103p · 458 weeks ago

My garden is covered in flowers, and yet I still think to myself:

Nothing's wrong exactly. the flowers are fine
i guess i just thought there’d be more

more than the flowers we have blanketing the garden?

its fine i guess these are enough
i guess its fine if you dont really care about flowers

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Liz H · 458 weeks ago

Western Art History: these are my most bookmarked pages ever. Goodnight sweet prince...

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godzillas_pizza 73p · 458 weeks ago

Art History is my favorite Toast series! nooooooooooo
I shall continue to do pretend Women in Art History reactions to as many art pieces I see in my Tumblr feed, which is a lot, in that I follow medievalpoc and general art deco/art nouveau aesthetic blogs. Somehow, I've been remiss in commenting on most of those works. I shall endeavor to do more.
Recently, I did one on Erte's Spring Rain picture, focusing on how she's just standing in the rain rolling her eyes. It was too easy, really. I mean. Just look at it.
It went like this:

Women Rolling Their Eyes in Western Art History

Erte, i’m not standing in the rain while you paint me
Erte
do you hear me
i’m going now, Erte

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Squid · 458 weeks ago

I came here to say that "Gleeful Mobs of Women Murdering Men" was my first Western Art History, but looking at the publication date I am no longer sure. Regardless, it is first in my heart.

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Tarragoner 103p · 458 weeks ago

i shared "Gleeful Mobs of Women Murdering Men" on FB yesterday. It was not received in the manner I intended. Just when you think people know your sense of humor...