1. GENERAL: Conan! What is best in life?
    CONAN: Never getting yelled at, even once! Never getting yelled at, even if it means never speaking to someone again, or stifling your own feelings, as long as it means that getting yelled at literally never happens.
    GENERAL: That is good! That is good.

  2. ALEC BALDWIN: who would like some coffee
    would anyone like some? I have plenty
    JACK LEMMON: I'll have some, please
    ALEC BALDWIN: coffee is for everyone
    GIL FROM THE SIMPSONS: I love coffee, myself

  3. It's very simple, and it's this. I would pay, let's say, two-thirds the price of a movie ticket – maybe seven or eight dollars – to go to the movies and watch a solid hour and fifteen minutes of previews alone. (If you don't like previews, that's fine. You don't have to do it. I like them. This is my idea.)

  4. Nicole: Okay, let's just get this out of the way IMMEDIATELY: obviously this is the greatest movie ever made.
    Mallory: I think at ten different points throughout the movie one or both of us leaned over to the other and said "This is the best movie I have ever seen."

  5. Eileen Brennan at her absolute blousiest, blousier than Bloomingdale's on a Tuesday, Tuesday being the day most retailers receive new shipments of inventory. Cybill Shepherd tearfully tap-dancing through her pain. And Madeline – the eternal Madeline – cocking her hips as she belts "JUST KICK HIM OUT OF THE HAY."

  6. Hannibal is a television series based upon the popular novels of Thomas Harris. Each episode lasts for under an hour, with the shortest lasting 41 minutes, and the longest 44. There were 3 seasons comprising 39 total episodes, many named after a food item or meal component (usually, but not exclusively, containing meat.)

  7. DEXTER: Three years ago I did you out of a wedding in this house by eloping. Which was very bad manners. I'll make it up to you by going through with it now as originally planned. TRACY: No, I don't believe I'll marry you again at all, Dexter. DEXTER: Not marry me again? Why on earth not? I've been skulking around your house for absolute hours, insulting your fiancé and making veiled, insulting insinuations about your…

  8. Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Here at the Final Girl Groves Retirement Home, we provide top-quality live-in care, recreational activities, and social opportunities for Final Girls in their senior years. If you’re a smart, resourceful, pretty-but-not-too-slutty woman who has survived brutal serial killers, zombie attacks, vengeful spirits, and the return of secrets from your own dark past, we believe you deserve to spend your golden years in peace…

  9. Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you'd take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you'd be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you'd look into the hamper and yell, "Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!" and Chris Pine would chuckle from…

  10. God, that's an awful, awful name. I'm going to have to find a better series title. Anyhow, here is one of the many flawless songs from Dewey Cox, it is a note-perfect imitation of Brian Wilson's "Smile," which I have never listened to, but that's what everyone keeps telling me it is, and I love it, so.

  11. Previously by Rebecca Shaw: A League of Their Own-Inspired Thinkpieces What the Portrayal Of Secretaries Tells Us About The Pressing Need To Dismantle Gender Roles Doralee Didn’t Sleep With The Boss, But Maybe She Should Have 9 to 5’s Cavalier Attitude Toward Paper Wastage Is An Indictment On Our Destruction Of Old Growth Forests Women, Marijuana, And The Slippery Slope To Violence How Feminism Destroyed America’s Thriving Corporate Culture…

  12. [Pete and Alice are having sex] Pete: “I want you!” Alice: [whispers in his ear] “You'll never have me.”

    - Lost Highway

    Of all the terrifyingly true things David Lynch has said, this rings the loudest bells for me: “Sex is a doorway to something so powerful and mystical, but movies usually depict it in a completely flat way…” He’s dead right. Despite the ubiquity of sexual imagery and objectified women,

  13. She parted her full lips and smiled. "My name is Shahliha." The mysterious, shapely maiden in the pearl-gray cloak who had shadowed his steps ever since he had alighted from Corsair's Breakwater had been his sister all along, then! The lass he had not seen in eighteen years, since the night of the red doors – kin to him, and his last link to a family he thought lost forever. "Thank goodness none of our…

  14. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here. E.T. doesn't give in to Scientology. The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time. The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini's tyranny. None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college. Sophie chooses not to run for office. She's got enough going on. In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once…

  15. It’s time to face some hard truths.

    Let’s Be Real: We’re not Elizabeth. If we’re anybody in this saga, we’re dark-clad Mary, who thinks conversation is better than balls. You know what, Mary? Conversation IS a better way to get to know people and we get you, we totally get you.