Previously in this series. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d have perfect facial hair that makes him look perpetually, endearingly scruffy, but would never be prickly when you make out. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, he’d wear his t-shirts to peak softness, then immediately hand them off to you to wear for lounging or to bed. If Chris Pratt were your boyfriend, that cliché about him loving you best with no makeup…
I waited for my mother to notice. I waited for what felt like weeks. It was disgusting, and I was disgusted with myself; they were crawling everywhere, falling off my head onto my school books, fat with my blood. But I never took any action to deal with it myself. I waited for my mother to notice.
Tucked away on English Street is a small apartment complex of twelve units. It doesn’t look like an apartment complex from the cobblestone roads, which is what makes it so perfect. Maybe not, though. It doesn’t look like an apartment complex so the police might pass it by, lights flashing, sirens wailing, before, finally, the cop in the passenger’s seat says, “Pull over, for fuck’s sake it’s supposed to be right here!” The apartment is…
Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let
The greatest possible good in life is never to be yelled at. There is no higher goal, no purer aim. There is no achievement sweeter, no more towering legacy, than to make it from birth to death without ever having once being yelled at. Better never to go anywhere, never to do anything, if the end result is to go through life without someone having yelled at you. Sweeter than immortality, more precious than fame,…
If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, he would be turned on by the fact that you win whenever you arm-wrestle. He’d look for excuses to arm-wrestle. If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend, you would wake up really early on purpose, just so you would have more time to laze around in bed together, reading. Sometimes he’d nudge you awake before dawn so the two of you could watch the sunrise on the roof with a blanket…
Spin My sophomore year in college, I attended a study-abroad program in a tiny cobblestone city in Tuscany that was so beautiful I thought it was pretend. The streets were narrow and lined with churches and cathedrals and museums; every ceiling was painted with stories; every wall molded into gargoyles and cherubs. At its center was a football field-sized square called Piazza del Campo where everyone met up, drank in the culture, and in my…
1. The Hunger Spirit Like many children of the 1980s, I first encountered the wendigo in Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark when Alvin Schwartz recounts the tale of a Canadian hunting guide lured away from his campsite. His companion searches for him, but finds only the guide’s tracks in the snow. The footprints are normal at first, but soon further and further apart as if the guide were being pulled along by something much…
Your roommate’s boyfriend Stranger who commutes on the same bus as you College classmate you pass on the street and blatantly ignore Person who talks to you while you’re waiting in line Strangers who you up-nod Coworker who is mainly your coworker but is also maybe becoming your friend Person whose name you know before you formally meet them Friend of a friend you drunkenly added on Facebook Person who is shopping in the same…
Previously in this series: If Lupito Nyong'o Were Your Girlfriend If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would wake up one day to find that your bedroom was now decorated in a way that you had only ever dreamed of in your most secret heart. The duvet would be soft, the paint color soothing, and your favorite childhood stuffed animal would sit on the nightstand. You would walk into the kitchen, where Blake Lively…
1. When you love a programmer, you must to learn to love the back of his head. You must love his curls at the nape of his neck as much, if not more, than his eyes. Learn every inch of his body, every freckle, every rib, every muscle, even when they soften with time. But know that if there is one thing you must master, it is the back of his head. He will be…
Geo Tracker – I didn't have a driver's license yet, just a ticket for underage drinking Buick Century – Bench seats in the front and the back Honda Accord – His mom and dad were home Volkswagen Beetle – Technically, we just got high in the airport parking lot Dodge Turbo convertible – "Exile in Guyville" was stuck in the tape deck Dodge Tradesman – Fuck yeah, you can reach the mini-fridge and the ashtray…
Jasmine's previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone
Feel free to ask Aunt Acid a variety of questions at advice@the-toast.net at any time. Previous installments can be found here. Dear Aunt Acid, As my understanding of racism and white privilege has grown over the years, I have learned to recognise subtle behaviours and microaggressions that are, despite declarations of "not racist," definitely racist. I grew up remarkably liberal and free from overt racism, homophobia, anti-Semitism, and general…
You’d never have to call to see where he was, because his manifestation on our earthly plane was confined to your studio apartment. The one where he died.
