1. Spend your entire childhood and adolescence in Australia reading books from the northern hemisphere. Pretend that you understand the following things: mint jelly; tobogganing; conkers. Dream about snow. Dream about roasted chestnuts. Dream about mince pies. Dream about Christmas tree forests, the heavy scent of pine and cold. Dream about Christmas sweaters, the uglier the better. Dream about opening presents in front of an open fire. Dream of deep, long, dark nights, and the hope
My mother makes latkes using pulverized potatoes, so I always thought pulverized were the way to go. Only in college did I discover that most people shred their potatoes. I fought with my entire college Hillel about this every year, alienating many. In my old age, though, I’ve mellowed out: I realize that taste is subjective. People like what they grew up with -- latkes are, for many Jewish people, inherently linked to childhood holiday memories and…
Happy Valentine's Day, friends and mild lovers. It's time to show those special someone(s) that you care (assuming you do). These delightfully dismissive Valentines are perfect for letting the people in your life know that, hey, you have plenty of other things to think about, too.
Like most members of the human race, I love being told what to buy. I am also, in my heart of hearts, a snoop, so I like to know what random Internet strangers find valuable. I rarely purchase any of these recommended items, as Canadian duties and shipping costs on these largely American-crafted lists are often prohibitively expensive, but one Friday in the late fall of 2012, an item on a Jane Marie Bargain Bin…
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare The perfect gift for: Your mom What you're really saying: "Your new boyfriend is not my dad and I'm going to make things very difficult for you." Le Morte d’Arthur, by Sir Thomas Malory The perfect gift for: Your absent father What you’re really saying: “See what happens when you ignore your kid?” The Odyssey, by Homer The perfect gift for: Your boyfriend What you’re really saying: “You’re always late, and I have…
It’s almost Christmas and all over the Internet, mom blogs are filling up with gift guides for babies. You’ve seen these. They’re packed with affiliate links and, therefore, stocked with the priciest and most instagrammable versions of things you might typically buy for a child. Gifts like this $167 hoodie. For a baby. And these $60 shoes sized for a non-walker. And this $198 rag doll. You read that right. Who in…
My father must have bought the cheapest Santa costume he could find. He’s frugal, never cheap, but this getup broke the rule. Maybe the Santa costumes with luxuriant white whiskers curling halfway to the floor and plush red jackets cinched by real leather belts were just way out of his price range. The original beard wasn’t so bad, but my father loaned it to another Santa in need, and a rogue Rudolph, unfortunately, ate it.
There has only ever been one Halloween-themed episode of television. It was during the fifth season of Boy Meets World. It was called "And Then There Was Shawn." It starred Jennifer Love Hewitt. It is the greatest half-hour of one of the greatest shows of all time.
